No Contact: Slowly Coming to Terms With the Full Horror of It All

[SelfLoathing]

I was (and if I'm honest still am) utterly in love with obsessed with a MM. I originally posted here (I will post link below in a moment) asking for help to get out. It was a pattern of intense pursuit/happiness - apparent closeness - withdrawal/silence- reappearance.

Since then I have maintained no contact. I am now sure this man is a narcissist and he has tried to "hoover" me on several occasions - emails, text and by phone. I haven't responded. But I was posting on LeighHalfpennyisagod's thread about unfinished business and I realised that actually I was totally distracted by this man's behaviour so I never focussed on what mattered.

It was a magician's sleight of hand. I was completely consumed with the drama of it all and the confusion of how he would be so amazingly intense and into me and then go cold. I was obsessed with how to become "better" so he'd want me and I'd get the hot phase back and end the coldness. Obsessed with the high of seeing him.

So I never actually noticed the true horror underneath - ie. what mattered. That he rarely saw me at all. I have found coming to terms with this very very hard and extremely upsetting. It's like lifting what you thought was a beautifully carved sculpture and finding it is just a rock with vile things crawling underneath.

For example, I have realised:

• he never showed me any kind of affection outside of sex or in a lead up to sex. Sure we'd hold hands etc be only after a date in a run up to going to bed. How did I never notice? It hurts like hell.

-he never wanted to cuddle or put his arms round me.

• he never called me just to see how I was (except right at the start when he was doing his charming full on seduction thing).

• he never bought me a birthday present or even wished me happy birthday.

• he never treated me in the way that most people would treat a friend or an acquaintance - with a little bit of interest in how their life is.

• he only EVER saw me when it suited him. If I ever asked him to lunch/coffee/drinks etc, he would never come. Again I never noticed because sometimes he'd say yes but then have to cancel at the last minute. He never wanted to do anything I wanted to do (my interests), always his interests.

• I only ever saw him once every few months/few weeks. The actually time I spent with him was really minimal.

I didn't know he was a MM to start with but did once I got sucked in and was still an OW so I know I don't deserve any sympathy.

• I guess I must be "progressing" in some way as I'm maintaining the no contact. But for some reason just realising how awful it was exactly is making me really upset. If I think about it too much, I start crying sometimes.

Just that I must be so worthless for someone to think they can treat my
life as a drop in centre.

And even more worthless to have actually allowed it.

There's the rub, "all told". So you were not in a solid, continuous relationship for several years. You didn't share a home together or plan a future together.

You continued to sleep with him after you knew he was married and would never make any sort of commitment to you. You know he is never going to make any sort of commitment to you. Are you really obsessed with the actual man or with the fantasy lover you would like him to be?

If contact from him bothers you - then change your number, email address etc. Send back any letters unopened. Don't enable him, because he is playing with your mind.

Or send him an ultimatum - leave me alone or I'm telling your wife.

You can chose to move on or you can continue to think about how miserable you are. Sometimes it's easier just to be miserable and justify that to yourself than forcing yourself to be positive and make changes in your life even if you feel crappy inside.

Be thankful - you don't have any kids with him, you're not married to anyone else or were/are in a relationship with anyone else. He has to live with his guilt for however long his marriage will work. You on the other hand are free and single and can do whatever you want in life. I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it. Just be glad you got out while you could, realise it was a mistake and look forward to the future

Can'tbelieve no, thankfully I've managed to avoid having a dh at all! It must be awful though I know that. Just hope I could have some compassion for someone sucked in by a horrible manipulative twat, if I was unfortunate enough to be married to one.

The moccasins thing was just meant to mean we all make mistakes don't we

You last saw him in July? Over six months ago. I'll say it again - get a grip. There was no magician's sleight of hand or any other such nonsense. He was a bastards using you. I suggest a short reply to him along the lines of "go away you cheating twat. If you contact me again, I'll tell your wife"

Fair enough cow. Agree about compassion but IMO the OP comes across as a bit woe is me and a passenger in all of this. Perhaps I have been a bit harsh but I do struggle to have sympathy for women like the OP. I don't believe she didn't know he was married 'for a substantial period of time'. there are too many comments made in her threads that would indicate otherwise. She carried on regardless after finding out he was married but justified it as being 'sucked in', stated herself that he was shagging other women as well as her yet is now slating this bloke for how he treated her etc etc etc a if it is some sort of surprise. She is still bleating on about it all despite having not seen him since July of last year. She is clearly not someone who wants to move on from this car wreck or help herself. I would lay money on her hooking up with him again.

Im one of the ladies who's all -bar one- men have cheated. It has destroyed me and made me constantly compare myself to other hirls, thinking they are worth more than me. But! I see your point of view and am not judging you. Men like that are very good at lying.
I have dealt with 2 narcissists over the years. You cannot fathom how clever they are at manipulating, unless youve dealt with one. You dont know theyre getting in your head til theyre already there.

You may not fully appreciate what happened here until at some point in the future when some MM, or otherwise attached man, starts chasing you again (and it will happen). The next time you will see it more clearly - the attempted seduction of you by the man, the heightened sense of passion - but next time you will resist and see it for what it is. You'll better understand how you got sucked in last time - intermittent rewards are way more powerful than steady predictable rewards - and MM can only provide intermittent rewards due to their other obligations.

Continue on with the NC. Stay the course. When the next MM comes along to seduce you watch the process as if you are an observer and not the target. The Script for the OW is as predictable as it is for the other parties involved. From my experience rarely does the OW chase the MM. The MM is always in search of the OW. It's up to the OW to say No, over and over again - to each and every one of them. It's essentially a Whack-a-Mole game.

You shouldn't have started it. My husband had an affair for nearly 12 months, it destroyed me and still bothers me now. The OW kept trying to get back in touch for ages after. It destroy lives! She was a nightmare and wouldn't give up. I'm not thick I know my other half was at fault but why would you when they're married! It just isn't right. Move on and find someone single who can give you the time you need!

She didn't know he was married. So saying she shouldn't have started it is pointless

I find it really sad that despite the last two sentences of your original post, your first sentence shows how strongly you still feel for this man. Please take another look at your OP as it is quite striking. He treated you with such blatant disregard, he doesn't deserve even a second of your time or thoughts.

Do you feel ready to meet someone new? I think maybe focusing on another relationship could be helpful in removing him from your mind. At the moment, despite what a shit he was, you feel as though you have lost something. You need to make a change in your life, whether its meeting someone else or taking up a new hobby, that leaves you with no time to dwell on this man. Something that will show you that you can make a gain, make a better life for yourself, without him.

Sorry OP, no advice, just want to complain about some of the posters on here who are so up themselves and judgemental.

You are certainly not responsible for his treatment of his wife.

I've never had an affair with a married man but I can see how your situation could happen and I don't blame you at all for not walking away even when you realised the truth. Of course you should have, if only for your own sanity, but I personally never was able to walk away from someone I felt I was in love with.

You say he last contacted you on Tuesday .how did he do that ?

Does he text you or email you ? Block his number or email address .

im struggling to understand how he has been contacting you since last July and you have not taken any steps to block him . I'm also trying to understand why he would persist if you have never responded him in any way .

Are you saying he is stalking you ? If so, why haven't you contacted the police ?

just want to complain about some of the posters on here who are so up themselves and judgemental.

I know...... it seems some posters just can't feel any sympathy for someone continuing a affair with a MM and still obsessing about him six months after she last saw him. Strange that isn't it.

I don't blame you at all for not walking away even when you realised the truth.
Yes.... I can imagine you being so understanding if it was your DH shagging the OW on and off for a number of years.

Right OP..have just read all of you're last thread....to be blunt you really need to get grip,you sound quite unhinged
You were with a MM....fine...draw a line under that and MOVE ON.

And I'm not trying to be mean either...

I think you are in a better position now than you were before you got involved with this man. You have learned a lot about what behaviour is unacceptable in a relationship and how to recognise when you are being treated badly and that you have everything that is required within you to ensure that you are not treated this way again. Next time you meet someone you will take things slow, be aware of behaviour that shows someone is selfish, abusive etc and draw boundaries for them. If they don't treat you well ie the opposite of all the behaviours you listed in your post then you know to end it. When you say you must be worthless to wind up in this position, I disagree. Try to see that if this had to happen to you then it was an opportunity for you to recognise that you are worth much more than the way this man treated you and to build better relationships in the future. You're wiser and stronger now even if you don't realise this yet. Well done for no contact. Carry on.

It IS shocking to realise a relationship had not a drop of goodness in it. we like to think there was something , even if it turned bad and became a nightmare.

Read Melanie Tonya Evans about getting caught up with and recovering from a narc. She's a bit woo but imo we need all the help we can get because it can leave a mark for a long time if not forever

Get on your knees and pray that the love you feel for him goes, once and for all. You know he's a mirage - find someone real to love, who loves you back.

The love you feel for him will go btw, and in it's place self-loathing and revulsion (which has started) with an ocean of shame. It hurts like hell. BUT IT WILL PASS. You will learn to love and trust again - yourself, as well as someone else. Perhaps you could do with some counselling to manage this gruelling time.

His poor wife. She's stuck with him

What fluffy says

I hope you will pay attention to her post as its so forward looking and positive. I hope you are not enjoying wallowing in all the drama and supposed tragedy of it

I don't really understand why you didn't suspect he was married ? Did you :

Visit him at his home
Phone him at home on his landline
Meet his friends or relatives or colleagues
See each other at the weekends , go out for a drink /meal /to the cinema in his home town
spend birthdays and Christmas etc together

These are normal things that couples do together.

Next time you need to be much more aware of these red flags