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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me why reading someone's email is bad!

39 replies

AT299 · 08/02/2015 10:56

I've NC for this. I've been seeing BF for about 6 months but, due to previous relationship traumas and personal issues, I'm very insecure sometimes and spend quite a lot of time thinking I'm not what he wants. I'm also quite nosey and don't like to think I'm missing out on something whilst he's quite a private person and doesn't tell me things because he thinks they are unimportant.

My problem is that I know the password for his email (I was chatting to him as he logged in and couldn't help but notice accidentally saw it). I keep telling myself that reading his emails to reassure myself that he isn't hiding things from me is a very bad thing to do but I need other people to also point out just how terrible this would be.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 08/02/2015 10:58

How you you feel if he did it to you?

I'd feel that my partner didn't trust me, was insecure, nosey, possessive and I would feel trust in our relationship was gone.

CaptainAnkles · 08/02/2015 11:00

DH's email account is linked to my phone so they get sent to me. Doesn't bother him in the least that I can see boring stuff from ebay and FB. If he was hiding something I suppose it would though.

Only you know whether he would be angry about reading his emails.

TweenageAngst · 08/02/2015 11:00

It is an invasion of privacy. Don't go there.

magoria · 08/02/2015 11:01

I would dump you if I found out you had guessed my password and we're reading my emails without my knowledge.

Especially after 6 months.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/02/2015 11:03

Those words were written for him to read, not you. Utterly horrible invasion of privacy.

You need to recognise that your issues are not his problem, and focus on strengthening your resolve to stay away from his private life.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/02/2015 11:04

Yes it is a bad thing to do. I echo magoria. If I found out someone had been doing this they would be dumped pretty sharply.

WowOoo · 08/02/2015 11:04

So, don't beat yourself up about this first time too much. But, stop doing it.

If you are a nosey person you can ask questions face to face - far nicer than being sly and sneaky. Smile

TheWhiteRoad · 08/02/2015 11:06

It would be a massive invasion of his privacy. How DARE you even consider this.

Your justifications for considering it are hugely weak. Don't delude yourself into thinking you have any 'right' to do this.

If a partner hacked my emails I would dump them - no question. Think about that.

warysara · 08/02/2015 11:06

It depends on the person. I don't really have anything to hide, but hate people reading my email and have been like that since a child (with good old regular post then). The "Well if you have nothing to hide" argument ultimately allows governments and the police to also read and see everything you do ...

On the other hand as some of the people above have said they are not bothered ...

Original poster
AT299 · 08/02/2015 11:07

Thanks for all the comments so far, they are just what I need. I've reread my OP and realised it is a bit unclear. I haven't actually logged in and read his messages, I just have this devil on my shoulder that keeps telling me I could do it.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/02/2015 11:08

It's a bad idea. Once you start you won't be able to stop. You may read between the lines so to speak and end up even more insecure. Plus what happens if you read something and your mind goes into overdrive, you won't be able to keep it go yourself as you'll want an explanation. He'll find out eventually.

girlgamergoesbad · 08/02/2015 11:09

I understand feeling like you need to read his emails, I've been in the same place myself with my current relationship. The thing is, you're setting up this relationship up to fail by carrying through old baggage and insecurities and placing those onto your new partner. I assume he's given you no reason not to trust him. Also it may start with the emails, but what about checking his texts etc. It can be difficult to stop this behaviour and you will get caught. Try and nip this in the bud now and focus on communication instead. Explain to him that you've been hurt before and want to feel secure in this new relationship. If hes right for you then he'll be understanding and want to help you feel better for the both of you. Good luck :)

DropYourSword · 08/02/2015 11:10

It's a breach of trust. You may be creating more problems than you think you're solving.

What happens if you do discover something that you want to discuss. How do you start a conversation with him without admitting you looked at his private emails?

You haven't mentioned that you think he actually is cheating or doing anything wrong, rather than being nosy. I don't think it's fair to check up on someone who hasn't given you any reason to doubt them. Because it then gives him reason to doubt you.

Trills · 08/02/2015 11:10

It's not just an invasion of his privacy, it's an invasion of the privacy of the people who think they are talking to him privately.

If I emailed a friend telling them about a date I went on, or about my piles, or about a family problem, I would feel quite upset to know that someone else had read my words.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/02/2015 11:10

Dh and I read each others emails on occasion. I find out loads of stuff that he doesn't tell me - births and marriages generally!

But we have been together a long time and we both know we read each others emails.

I think you are being hugely dishonest - would you trust someone who went behind your back like that?

Also, be honest, what stuff are you finding out that is of any real interest to you? Talking to him might be a better way. You're clearly trying to catch him out and that makes it twice as bad.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/02/2015 11:11

Fight the devil! Make it a challenge for yourself not to. Think how good you'll feel about yourself that you didn't sink to that level.

strawberryshoes · 08/02/2015 11:12

Its fine if he knows and is OK with it, it is dishonest and wrong if its in secret

Twinklestein · 08/02/2015 11:14

If you had strong reason to believe he was cheating or gambling, whatever then you're justified in checking up on him.

But without that, you're just an insecure snooping gf, do you want to be that person?

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 11:15

I would dump you if you read my emails.

Tell your boyfriend that you know his password, that it makes you uncomfortable, and ask him to change it.

I have done this to my DH (then boyfriend) before. I had been very jealous in a past relationship, and was teaching myself new boundaries.

IT sounds like you would benefit from similar self teachings.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 08/02/2015 11:15

You really don't need to do this - and more, you will become a better, stronger and more balanced person if you don't.

This will bring you down, and ironically make you MORE insecure, because a part of you will be thinking 'I'm a horrid sneak who reads other people's private emails. If he knew what I'm really like, he'd dump me.'

Don't be that person - be the kind, honest, moral, confident person who has the ability to do something underhand, and who CHOOSES to be the better person and to uphold your partner's privacy.

You will be happier. You really will!

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 08/02/2015 11:16

Agree with trills, it's an invasion of the senders' privacy as well. Think of a message you've sent your best friend being read by someone she'd dated for a few months.

Tell him you saw him putting his password in so he might want to change it, if you like. As (a) he might then change it and (b) you will probably feel less inclined to look if you do

MissRabbitsSister · 08/02/2015 11:24

I speak from experience here. Don't do it. If you're naturally insecure then you will find something you don't like, no matter how innocuous it is, you'll make it a big deal in your head. Then you'll start doing it all the time and its a horrible way to be. I've been like it for years and what I've had to finally do is literally take it one day at a time. Promise myself I won't look today. If I feel like looking tomorrow I can, but not today. By the time tomorrow comes i have the same conversation with myself and so far so good. I'm a month in!! Try to concentrate on what your bf is SHOWING you he is like, if you like the way he's treating you, if he's a nice man etc then use that as your indicators for how he feels about you. It's bloody hard, don't get me wrong, but you feel much better about yourself as a result and that's a good feeling.

skrumle · 08/02/2015 11:28

you need to tell him that you know his password and you would rather not know it so can he please change it.

my H and I leave our email open all the time but never normally read emails meant for the other - and we've been together 17 yrs. if i found out someone had been sneaking behind my back and spying on me after 6 months together it would be over.

rationaloptimist123 · 08/02/2015 11:28

Twinklestein
"If you had strong reason to believe he was cheating or gambling then you're justified in checking up on him"

Even in those circumstances, I would hope that the first step would be a mature adult to adult conversation about the basis of that belief - rather than jumping to snooping.

Unless you've explicitly agreed to keep absolutely nothing private from each other, people should be able to expect that their privacy isn't going to be invaded - especially after just 6 months.

SensationalGirl · 08/02/2015 11:58

Just tell him you accidentally saw his password and felt you owed it to him to tell him. His reaction will tell you more than you need to know. He may turn around and say he doesn't care.
My emails are open for my DH to see and he can read them whenever he wants. I don't read his text messages though...I'd bet good money they're boring as f*#k.