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Original poster

Selfish, clueless or what?

35 replies

wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 00:35

I am with a man who is normally very kind, caring and deep thinking. The sensitive sort.
Yet...well today we spoke of making love and without putting too finer point on it, he had at least two erections. My daughter was with us all day and we were out most of the day (apart from the morning when we were in and spoke of making love and the erections).
I have an interview/teaching session on Monday that I have to prepare for tomorrow and I said about an early night...as I was tired and thought it would be nice to go to bed early (as you can imagine).
But no, he wanted to drink beer, watch telly even though I would be getting up early to work and he would be able to stay in bed for at least a few hours more than me. So I had to basically nag about going to bed (thinking about earlier erections, etc, etc). By the time we got to bed, it was late...and now I'm typing this. And by then, resentment had built. I would have been far better off going to bed early and just leaving him to it. We didn't make love, and in the end, ironically he fell asleep (though he didn't seem to want the early night!) and I end up on the sofa feeling pretty pissed off and tired. Of course he stays in bed and leaves me to it on the sofa.
It is like he needs it shouting in his ear "Let's get an early night, make love, go to sleep early!"
But saying that, he can't even seem to follow his own body signals! He had erections and then...nothing this evening.
So now I am downstairs and he is upstairs snoring! It just seems selfish and strange in some ways that he can talk of making love and nothing happens. He just says that he never really knows what I want...but what about himself, is what I ask? Do the erections mean nothing?
It is hard not to feel resentful that I was the one wanting an early night and end up without one while he sleeps.
We have a weekend away booked for Valentines and I don't especially feel like going :-( What do you think?

OP posts:
ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 08/02/2015 00:42

I've known a few men. Yes, the erections mean nothing and yes, you should indeed have just gone to bed. You seem to be getting very wound up. Why are you downstairs? Because of snoring? I used to boot Mr. BathTowel out if he snored...he was snoring, not me!

Let him get on with it and don't stress. Men get erections at the drop of a hat, and often no hats need to be dropped.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 00:56

Thanks ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel ;-) Love the name! Yes, kind of gathered the erections don't mean a lot, but it was more so the talk that went with them if you know what I mean. Like a promise. And its the whole not being considerate stuff too. See, if it had been the other way around, I would have thought of him needing sleep etc, and would have put him first. But that's the problem, I think sometimes. I should have just gone to bed. I am on the sofa not only because he was snoring but because ironically can't sleep now! I also suffer from anxiety :-( Sometimes it seems best not to expect and hope and just rely on yourself I think.

OP posts:
LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 08/02/2015 01:33

Me and DH get around this problem with the romantic "fancy a shag tonight?" Then no one feels disappointed by any making eyes romantic type gestures which are spurned.

I accept others prefer to be a little more spontaneous

30somethingm · 08/02/2015 01:39

If you don't mind me asking... Do you ever have sex not in bed, ie not just before sleep, or is that the only time you get privacy?

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 08/02/2015 01:42

I think that's the thing, you know. Men will talk up anything ;)

Seriously - men are much less considerate than we are. They are raised to put themselves first. I'm married to an only son, so I know! But I just carry on and do my own thing. Sounds like you're bending over backwards to please, and men don't notice or even appreciate this.

Make yourself happy. Not to be inconsiderate, as such, but you don't need to keep checking in with him. You want to go to bed, then go to bed. And so forth :)

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 08/02/2015 01:45

LastNight, we are totally not spontaneous. We have it at 10.30 pm of a Friday night. It's always been that way. MrBathTowel says he likes to know when it will happen. I'm inclined to agree - shaving one's legs every day on the off-chance is a terrible drag :)

Joysmum · 08/02/2015 07:13

This wouldn't be an issue for us. We both know that how we feel earlier on in the day might not be how we'll feel by evening, no big deal as it just makes the next time more keenly anticipated. Mind you, we're comfortable in our relationship and how each other feels. I can see how this would be important to those who aren't.

Vivacia · 08/02/2015 07:21

I agree that The Erections don't mean anything other than, er, he had an erection. Even if he'd been desperate to have sex in the morning, he's allowed to change his mind by the evening.

You seem to be expecting him to read your mind. It's ok to say, "shall we have an early night and have sex?" or "shall we go to bed early and continue that conversation from this morning?". You even seem to expect him to know in his sleep that you were downstairs at midnight unable to sleep! Wake him up and tell him, "darling, you're snoring and I can't get to sleep and I need to be up early in the morning for work".

It's ok for you to feel rejected and need reassurance, but you need to talk to him.

(Also, I'd be wondering if he was watching porn whilst you're in bed and he's staying up for a few beers instead of having sex with you).

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 07:31

Thank you so much for your replies. Made me smile too.
It wasn't so much the sex that was the issue really; it was his inconsideration and selfishness that got to me. I know some people wouldn't think it was a big deal what happened but I think women deserve to be treated well and with respect, to be thought of...especially if they would think of their man first.
It is just maddening that he can be so lovely and thoughtful and then a routine stuck, selfish prig the next. Plus me being on the sofa and him just leaving me to it and sleeping (and still sleeping now, snoring and will do for hours) sucks. And it is hard to concentrate on my work :-(
I don't mean to put men and woman separate but it is like they need a handbook sometimes and I feel disappointed because I thought I'd finally found a man different to that.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/02/2015 07:37

Are you packing your bag and hitting the library for a few hours?

Vivacia · 08/02/2015 07:39

Of course you're not packing your bag and hitting the library, because that's someone completely different Blush

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 07:46

Hi Vivacia :-) Thank you for your reply.
I understand changing your mind part, it happens to us all :-) It shouldn't be about reading minds though. Sometimes, I feel, things should happen naturally, as a natural progression. I mean, yes, I could say; how about an early night, making love, etc, etc, continue what happened this morning...but why does it have to be like that really? Why can't the man think like that, in a romantic way, without the subtle prompting? Asking too much really perhaps?
But it wasn't that so much, as I said a few mins ago. It was more the inconsideration. I guess it got to me too that it was in front of my daughter...the whole struggle of getting an early night. Shouldn't be like that. If he had an important job to do the next day and was stressed and worried about it, I wouldn't have been like that to him.
But I didn't expect him to know in his sleep I was downstairs though...he knew that. He was well aware that I got up and went downstairs as he woke up and spoke to me, knew full well that I was stressed and had gone downstairs and just let me do it, and went back to sleep. You know, the man who didn't want an early night! :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 07:49

I can more so imagine me packing a small bag and hitting him on the head with it! ;-)

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/02/2015 07:58

Sometimes, I feel, things should happen naturally, as a natural progression

I remember those days. They were before we had children. And serious jobs. And a mortgage.

Why can't the man think like that, in a romantic way, without the subtle prompting?

There have been a few men/women comments like that on the thread, and I just don't recognise them. I mean, I think people view men and women like that, but I think it's a social construct rather than a social reality.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 08:10

Vivacia, we have no children together, no mortgage...we haven't been together that long. Just over a year.
I guess I am a romantic dreamer but like I said, it wasn't really that that bothered me...it was the whole struggle of getting him to consider me :-( Normally he can be lovely but I think some men can be stuck in their ways...beer, telly, themselves...that sort of thing.

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 08/02/2015 08:10

I kind of understand the early night thing... However would he just think that you wanted an early night because you're tired and have an early start and therefore it didn't matter if you came with him or not?

I get up in the night with DD and don't sleep well so always go up to bed before DH. I don't expect him to come early just because I'm tired. He probably just didn't associate the sex/early night thing. Or he did but was no longer up for it and thought you genuinely just wanted an early night to go to sleep.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 08:27

Yes, GotToBeInItToWinIt, most likely that is the case. It just would have been nice if he'd been more considerate and I hadn't ended up on the sofa, unable to rest while he ironically did...just makes him appear selfish :-(

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/02/2015 08:40

It just would have been nice if he'd been more considerate and I hadn't ended up on the sofa, unable to rest while he ironically did...just makes him appear selfish

It would have been nice. But he isn't a mind-reader and he isn't a mind-reader who reads minds in his sleep.

I've learned this the hard way. I was brought up to believe "if you loved me, you would just know that I wanted X and needed Y". It's not true. You have to communicate clearly and kindly.

Vivacia · 08/02/2015 08:41

I think some men can be stuck in their ways...beer, telly, themselves...that sort of thing

I think that this Men are from Mars nonsense is a self-fulfilling prophecy that does neither men nor women any good.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 08:44

Thanks Vivacia :-) I did though. I communicated with him. He didn't need to read my mind in his sleep. I made it really clear to him...long before going to bed downstairs and also upstairs too because when I got up to go to the sofa, I spoke to him again as he woke up, listened to me, and then went back to sleep...he didn't have to be mind reader at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 08:49

I'm not dealing with a child here, who needs instructions! Having to communicate with him clearly and kindly because otherwise he won't understand? Is that because he is incapable of thinking?! I do get what you are saying and I believe communication is the key but your other half should be capable of considering your feelings without unnecessary prompting and sadly even nagging. And some people do get stuck in routines of what they have always done. We all get like that. It isn't a man/woman divide...sometimes we all just need a jolt out of our reality....to experience different things that can even be life enhancing.

OP posts:
araminem · 08/02/2015 09:05

I am not sure where the inconsideration was. You said he was asleep, woke up to talk to you and then went back to sleep while you went downstairs. But what good would the two of you being awake have done to anyone? You would just then be two tired people rather than one. I wouldn't expect my husband to know that that is what I wanted unless I clearly told him!

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 09:13

Thanks Araminem, I think you would have to read the conversation from the start to know what I mean about the inconsideration.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 08/02/2015 09:37

So - am I to understand that you wanted him to know that you wanted sex?

Have you thought of actually telling him this? Sorry but your posts are like spaghetti trying to unravel what you are banging on about.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 08/02/2015 09:42

No it was more about showing consideration, thought for the person you love. I don't know why it has to be so important to spell everything out, like you would to a kid. Men aren't stupid

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