Selfish, clueless or what?

[wonderwoman21]

I am with a man who is normally very kind, caring and deep thinking. The sensitive sort.
Yet...well today we spoke of making love and without putting too finer point on it, he had at least two erections. My daughter was with us all day and we were out most of the day (apart from the morning when we were in and spoke of making love and the erections).
I have an interview/teaching session on Monday that I have to prepare for tomorrow and I said about an early night...as I was tired and thought it would be nice to go to bed early (as you can imagine).
But no, he wanted to drink beer, watch telly even though I would be getting up early to work and he would be able to stay in bed for at least a few hours more than me. So I had to basically nag about going to bed (thinking about earlier erections, etc, etc). By the time we got to bed, it was late...and now I'm typing this. And by then, resentment had built. I would have been far better off going to bed early and just leaving him to it. We didn't make love, and in the end, ironically he fell asleep (though he didn't seem to want the early night!) and I end up on the sofa feeling pretty pissed off and tired. Of course he stays in bed and leaves me to it on the sofa.
It is like he needs it shouting in his ear "Let's get an early night, make love, go to sleep early!"
But saying that, he can't even seem to follow his own body signals! He had erections and then...nothing this evening.
So now I am downstairs and he is upstairs snoring! It just seems selfish and strange in some ways that he can talk of making love and nothing happens. He just says that he never really knows what I want...but what about himself, is what I ask? Do the erections mean nothing?
It is hard not to feel resentful that I was the one wanting an early night and end up without one while he sleeps.
We have a weekend away booked for Valentines and I don't especially feel like going :-( What do you think?

I think you need to communicate with him more directly. He's told you as much himself, it seems from your message. Tell him what your wishes, needs and expectations are. He can't be expected to read your mind - and it isn't fair to resent him because he hasn't been able to. I know it's not akways easy, especially when it comes to sex, but the level of annoyance you show in your post suggests you really need to prioritise improving communication or this could impact seriously on your happiness.

I have read this full thread and it's getting more confusing by the minute.......Your not happy that he wouldn't come to bed and then your equally as not happy because you chose to getup and he stayed in bed!! I honestly don't think it's inconsiderate or disrespectful that he didn't want to go to bed at the same time as you but at the same time can see what you mean, could you not (in future) make it clear that you don't want an early night solely for sleep, maybe have your time together or surprise him on the couch then if you want to sleep go have your early night and leave him till he's ready for bed! Everybody wins plus you get to enjoy having the bed to yourself for a bit!

Next time your having a wee cheeky convo, make the odd innuendo all day to let him know it's still in your mind, that way keeping it fresh in his head and more likely he'll act on it later, men are useless otherwise and as you say no he's not a kid but men still need a lot spelt out for them! My OH is everything I wasn't in a man, kind considerate etc etc but at times I still need to spell it out to him step by step!!

*everything I want

Lol Damn autocorrect

I don't know why it has to be so important to spell everything out, like you would to a kid.

That's pretty much what my response was. But that attitude was leading me nowhere but to disappointment, frustration and hurt. So I gave it a go - I spelt out exactly how I felt and exactly what I needed. "I'm really upset, I could do with a hug". And it worked.

What have you got to lose?

So when you couldn't sleep and went downstairs did you want him to get up and come downstairs too?

I am an insomniac. My DH sleeps like a log. Sometimes I lie awake resenting him for snoring next to me but I know that's pretty damn unreasonable. No point both of us not sleeping!

It's important to spell everything out so that everyone understands what you're saying. You said 'I want an early night' and you got one. You should have said 'I want sex, are you coming upstairs or shall I sort myself out?'.

FWIW, erections are not a promise of sex. And even if he had actually promised you sex 12 hours earlier, you really can't hold him to it. It's ok for him to have changed his mind. It's not ok for you to act all annoyed about it - you are not entitled to sex, no matter what he's said that morning or how many erections he's had all day!!

Quite frankly from your OP if you're talking about an interview in the morning and getting an early night you could argue from his perspective it was your way of telling him you've changed your mind!

So basically you sat there on the sofa huffing and nagging him about an early night?
Wow. I wonder why he didn't try anything.

By the way I have read the thread and am still not sure what his lack of consideration was.
You told him you wanted an early night so he watched TV and had a couple of beers? And?

What's your sex life usually like?

You may need to just ask for what you want, i.e.

• Let's go to bed darling
• No I'm going to stay here and have a few beers
• But how about you shag me senseless and then have a few beers afterwards?

Otherwise you might have to actually seduce him. But who's got time for that?! (half joking)

Or just push him back on the sofa and put your hand down his pants. Works on Mrreddress