anger & bitterness - ex taking child to old 'mutual' friends

[lillybee1]

Husband and I have separated and we have one year old baby. We've been separated for several months and he is seeing baby some weekly evenings & every weekend. He usually comes early, stays in house or takes baby off to visit our 'mutual' friends. The thing is I haven't heard from these mutual friends since the split - not a single text, fb message, phone call, nothing! I have known some of them for years - even been on holidays together and saw them regularly and am really upset/angry that they haven't even the decency to get in touch. It wasn't my choice to separate but I imagine ex has told them what he's been telling me for months - that all problems were mine and he's the innocent bystander in all of this.

I am really angry and bitter about the whole thing. I want to ring them up and shout at them or ask why the hell they haven't even been in touch but of course that would be silly and what's the point. If they wanted to get in touch they would.

I've realised it's not worth thinking about them. Maybe they haven't been in touch for other reasons, maybe they don't know what to say or maybe they just don't care. But every time ex husband says he's taking baby off to see them I feel really resentful. Why should they get to spend time with baby when they have completely ignored me? I know I can't stop ex seeing who he wants and I know they are all probably having fun including baby - I am just so bitter about all of this.

So my question is - for anyone who has been in similar position - how do you get over the anger and general sadness about the situation? I don't want to seem like a jealous ex but in this case I guess I am. I am not dealing with this split at all and things like this make everything much harder

How much contact is he having with the baby? Are you happy contact is appropriate? I have a 1 yr old with my ex but I seem to have kept the friends and he is moving away. this stuff is hard. I am about to cut off from his family as they clearly beleive his (fabricated) version of events.

I had this. Dealt with it by detaching from them completely, defriending them off facebook and concentrating on the people who WERE there for me. And now I'm finding new friends. The people who can't even muster a simple "are you ok?" can fuck right off, in my view.

It's all part of the process OP. You'll be fine.

This is part of the process of rebuilding your life, sometimes you have to let go of people in your life but that space will be filled with new friends.

I'm not sure there really is mutual friends in a split as there is a tendency to go along with one person or another.When I divorced my long term friend stayed close to my ex, mostly because of her husband.I moved on with my life but was hurt at the time and a few years later she was desperate to be back in contact with me.I no longer felt the same as she had let me down at an important time in my life.

It is early days and your hurt is understandable but it gets better.

It really sucks, but people do choose.

But, have you been in touch with any of these 'mutual' friends yourself? Or have you waited for THEM to get in touch with you?

Because the best way to move forward, is to reconnect with those who matter to you. Establish a good support base of friends. And don't underestimate the value of acquaintances as well. There's nothing wrong with only being friendly enough with people to catch up occasionally for a lunch or a coffee, or even a quick drink after work.

Thanks everyone.

PintofCiderPlease I got in touch with a couple of mutual friends. One said she'd ring me back that day, never heard back from her and that was weeks ago. Another said she had heard (didn't think of getting in touch beforehand) and was sorry but then went on to defend him and say how awful the whole thing has been for him because he had to move out! Meanwhile I am sahm to baby & maintaining house alone - a walk in the park clearly.

knightofswords & newstart15 - thanks for reassuring words. I know it's early days - just hard to imagine things ever getting better right now. I guess I thought some of those people were my actual friends - have confided in them as they have with me over the years and now nothing.

They chose him and it sounds like they were never really your friends.

Can it give you any comfort to at least know that your baby is with familiar people?

I can understand your frustration and relate to it, OP. It's really horrible when people you consider good friends stop contact without really knowing what is going on. You will probably never know what has been said and what their interpretation of the events is. You'll probably never have a chance to explain your side of the situation.

It's really sad, because you're left with the feeling that they are taking your ex's side without giving you a chance.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's a lot you can do apart from letting go of them and the whole situation. I would unfriend them on FB, cut all ties, as there are not your friends anymore, even if they once were. But I'd also make a point to your ex that you're not that happy about your son spending lots of time with them. A little bit should be OK, but just that. After all, they've betrayed you, so why should you be happy about it?

Try to make new friends, and think that sometimes there is a good reason why people disappear from our life. I've been there before and the bitterness sort of stays a bit, but you can move on, and appreciate people who are loyal to you and value you as you are.

Thanks autumnleaves123 - it's all so shallow though isn't it? I try to think of the people I know that have split up and wonder if I took sides but don't think I ever did. I just can't believe some people are so black & white - all nice to me for years, staying over, regularly coming round for dinner, going on holiday etc and now nothing, not a single word. If we didn't have a baby it would be easier but ex drops these names in - 'thinking of taking baby to see x, y and z tomorrow' and every time he mentions these people I can't help getting really annoyed. I tried explaining to ex about it and said I wast comfortable with him taking baby and his response was that they are friends of his so why shouldn't he see them! He said he can't be alone the whole time. I know he is right, just can't get this anger (with him & with them) out of my head.

I will try to make new friends, not always easy with baby and just depressed with all of this right now. In a dark place, no motivation to do anything, hoping these feelings won't last forever.

autumnleaves123 - do you have children? thanks for the advice

I understand how you feel, I had the same but with my husbands sisters. We were married 20 years and were very friendly, they were very much on my side when we split but 3 months later answered texts after about 2 weeks - I now no longer speak to them. My ex husband and I get on ok now and I regularly speak to my nephews (their sons who are in there 20's) but still don't speak to them - I don't know why they got involved, but it was really upsetting at the time and made my marriage break-up much worse than it had to be - if they wanted to be friends with me now I wouldn't give them the time of day as someone else said they weren't there for me when I needed them. It I was you I'd just do my best to forget them as you now know where there loyalty are.

unfortuntely friendships are usually a casualty of a split, because people generally feel that they are unable to remain friends with both parties. The fact that you have split means that you now need to make a new life for yourself, and this will include making new friends.

I don't think that anyone can be blamed for taking one side over another, or expected to take one side over another, people make their own choices in terms of friendships and they don't necessarily always choose how we would expect.

I disagree with the poster who said that you should tell your ex to limit the time spent with mutual friends with your baby You wouldn't want him dictating to you how much time your dc could spend with formerally mutual friends, so it's not ok to make the same kinds of demands of him either.

And friends choosing one side over another haven't necessarily betrayed anyone.we don't know what they know. indeed we don't know the details of your split or how people might see it.

Yes, you have to detach, it's their loss, ultimately.

I lost a few friends when ex and I split. The most galling was the one I leaned on a lot post split, who eventually ended up never contacting me again, although I know she sees ex and DS.

If they want to believe his lies that's their prerogative. You know the truth and your good friends will stay with you. Everyone else can fuck the fuck off (imo).

Sorry I meant to say it will get better. You just end up caring less, although it will always be a kick in the teeth.

I'm sure when I defriended them on fb it just played into their idea that I was a bitch from hell who had heartlessly cut everyone off (ex's version of events), but at the end of the day, so what?

A lot of people do find it difficult to keep friendly with both partners when there is a split. It's sad for you but a fact of life. If you really want to you can give them a ring and suggest a meet up in a casual way. You could ring them if you like but I wouldn't be accusing them of anything even if you do think they haven't behaved well.

I feel your pain OP H walked out on me and DS and told mutual friends a pack of lies and things that I had been saying about them (conversations we had as a
Married couple about people but he made them out to be much worse kind of 'wow x is a right mouthy cow when she's had a few" to "piece always said you were too loud and common for her" -
Which is not what I said iyswim). He played the poor old man act, yet it is all lies and they bought it.
Luckily decent friends didn't take sides but it makes it really difficult

The fact that your ex makes a point of regularly seeing them makes it more awkward for them to see you.

Either you have to pick the ones you would like to see the most and be proactive (i.e. do what he has done) or else accept they are now his friends.

I have some friends who split where i see both sides and others I don't. Generally but not always depends on how I met them e.g. were they friend of my partner, or partner of my friend etc.

The ones where i see both sides i work hard to stay friends with both but it isn't always easy.

This is really hard for you (and everyone else who has gone through this, myself included) and I have utmost respect for people who treat you the same regardless of what has happened. No-one knows what goes on between the H and W and if they are prepared to listen to a one-sided POV, judge you and make a friendship decision based on that, then they are not friends and not worth knowing.

The friendships thing is really hard. However, I think you should try and look at this as a positive. These people have exposed themselves as deficient friends and at least you know that. You now have a chance to make your own friends who will really be there for you.

When exH and I split up I went through some of this especially as he had involved some of our mutual friends as co-conspirators with whom he would see his various OW behind my back. I took the decision to cut those people off for good and feel much better for it. The friends I have now I know I can rely on and I know they have no interest in him at all.

It is just part of the process of splitting up I am afraid. It is crappy for now but you will come out the other side. I know it can be hard to go out with a little one, but on the plus side there are lots of opportunities: library story groups, NCT groups, Mumsnet meetups and probably various other groups locally organised either privately or by your local council. Get the local mum and baby mags and ring your council to find out. Also look at doing stuff for yourself. Can you go to groups of some kind on the evenings and weekends your ex has your DC? Gyms with a creche are a great idea. Crafting groups tend to be very tolerant of young children IME. Is there anyone you can set up a babysit swap with?

I'd suggest you go to as much as you can bear to. Filling your time with interesting things and meeting new people is better than sitting at home depressed (and I say that as a confirmed introvert who carefully rations her going out time - I do find though that I need to go out a certain amount to stop me feeling down) and you will feel much better once you are not so isolated.

Yes, OP, I have children. And I wouldn't be happy if my children spent a lot of time with people I dislike, or feel betrayed by. I wouldn't tell your ex what to do with his life, but I would be honest about how you feel now about these people. If you pretend it's all ok when it's not, it will be worse in the long run.

Things will settle down in the end, and you will meet new friends, or reconnect with old ones. This difficult patch will not be forever, but you need to be honest with yourself, and those around you. By writing it all here, you've taken the first step. Hope it all goes well for you, and don't lose hope or perspective. You'll be fine.

This is still ongoing. I told one 'friend' how I felt after she had seen our baby but not even mentioned it to me - if she ever saw him in the past without me she'd send a text at least and usually some photos and say how cute he is etc and now nothing! She replied and said she was entitled to see my baby! How bloody rude! I don't even know who my own baby is with these days - a big punch to the stomach. Can't believe the shallowness of some people. How fake can people be? All smiles and chats pre break-up and now nothing!

It is really hard and that 'friend' obviously lacked the empathy to understand what you're going through. As others have said, you have to detach and you also have to prioritise your needs. If it was your husband who decided to leave, why is he coming to the house and telling you about his plans? You will feel much better if you limit contact as much as you possibly can.

Think about what you want in your life and the kind of people you want as your friends.

Thanks so much Change2013 - it is true about lacking empathy, some people are unbeliveable. Yes he decided to leave. It was on way back after he brought baby back that he told me about the day in very small detail, name dropping etc. It is so hard to limit contact with a baby though - unless we do a simple handover at the door. That's probably not the best thing to do though is it?

I don't think people always take sides. IMe it's more OMG they've split up then perhaps one calls round (in this case your ex) - what can they do, stand on the doorstep yelling at him 'how could you leave your wife you bastard', no too embarrassing, instead they'll just err invite him in and make pleasant conversation. They won't necessarily have a side.

But these friends sound like 'couples' friends, if you all went on hols together. Better you find your own real friends, and ime looking after a small baby is THE biggest thing you'll ever have in common with someone, so should help you make friends rather than hinder (though I accept getting out and about is hard but it is hard for all those other women stuck at home).

I can see it is very hurtful but in the long run if you were friends with these people still you could run into your ex regularly, hear lots of tales of ex said this or ex is doing that. Much better just keep away.

And they might welcome him now but things might change when he has a demanding toddler, or stroppy three year old in tow.

Start trying to build your own social life. I'm sure you will.

Hi, my children were older when my marriage ended so I know it is more difficult for you with a baby. However, it must hurt you very much at the moment to hear all the details of what your ex is doing with your baby. A period of limiting contact with your ex to the absolute minimum would probably help you. I know I felt that every time I saw my ex in the first year it hurt and set back my progress.

There are people out here who understand how hard this is for you. Have you got supportive people in real life who will listen to you?

I wouldn't defined. Just leave it be. It's really hurtful, I know. But I think some people just felt really awkward, they didn't mean any ill-will.