anger & bitterness - ex taking child to old 'mutual' friends

[lillybee1]

Husband and I have separated and we have one year old baby. We've been separated for several months and he is seeing baby some weekly evenings & every weekend. He usually comes early, stays in house or takes baby off to visit our 'mutual' friends. The thing is I haven't heard from these mutual friends since the split - not a single text, fb message, phone call, nothing! I have known some of them for years - even been on holidays together and saw them regularly and am really upset/angry that they haven't even the decency to get in touch. It wasn't my choice to separate but I imagine ex has told them what he's been telling me for months - that all problems were mine and he's the innocent bystander in all of this.

I am really angry and bitter about the whole thing. I want to ring them up and shout at them or ask why the hell they haven't even been in touch but of course that would be silly and what's the point. If they wanted to get in touch they would.

I've realised it's not worth thinking about them. Maybe they haven't been in touch for other reasons, maybe they don't know what to say or maybe they just don't care. But every time ex husband says he's taking baby off to see them I feel really resentful. Why should they get to spend time with baby when they have completely ignored me? I know I can't stop ex seeing who he wants and I know they are all probably having fun including baby - I am just so bitter about all of this.

So my question is - for anyone who has been in similar position - how do you get over the anger and general sadness about the situation? I don't want to seem like a jealous ex but in this case I guess I am. I am not dealing with this split at all and things like this make everything much harder

Defriend not defined!

I have some but not many

I think people naturally like one person in a couple more than the other but are 'friends' with both because they can't have one without the other.

Maybe she's not taking sides by compartmentalizing being friends with the both of you by not reporting to the other when they see the other. She's not going to be a spy for either of you.

It might be more that he has stayed in contact with them and leaned on them for support than they have abandoned you.

I have been exactly where you are op and it's hurtful. I feel mutual friends haven't heard my side of the story but then some of the facts are out there and they probably know much of the truth ie he left suddenly, he hardly sees the children and I can't think they approve.

I have stayed in touch with some of the women in couple friends and that has worked out fine. Is that something you could do? I have to instigate the contact sometimes but they always seem to be happy to hear from me and meet up. Sometimes it is genuinely that people are getting on with their own busy lives.

The other thing I have found is that though you lose a few friends you gain new ones. Sometimes acquaintances or people you don't expect turn out to be the most supportive and understanding. I have formed close friendships with other women who have been through similar (there are a lot of us about.)

It is hard to accept after separating that you cannot control who your children see. When we separated I never saw or heard from DH family ( they live away).I was hurt that I had been "replaced" by OW. I saw them at a birthday party some years later and they came rushing over and were genuinely pleased to see me. They had been put in a difficult position and felt they had to take ex's side.

I found this aspect of my divorce very hard. We had been together a long time and for me the hardest aspect was that as grown ups they didn't feel they could just be friends with both of us.

In the end another friend said to me you know what Pantone these are not your people. It really stuck with me. OP these are not your people. Cut them out, delete from FB and move on, they don't deserve your friendship.

I didn't sound very sympathetic OP, but it is a horrible situation, you will feel so protective of your baby, but you are forced to let him him/her away with him.
Personally I would try to remain friends with both sides of a couple who split but I have so often seen that others just don't really want involved.

It's difficult. When a couple split a few years ago, H was his closest friend and I had become good friends with her. The split was quite dramatic and unpleasant but neither of us wanted to drop either friend. But if we met up with either when we were together as a couple, it was very difficult - the woman particularly would grill my DH about what her ex was up to.

I am sorry for you - it's horrible. I am wondering about those who are being unfriendly now are just feeling uncomfortable and a bit guilty

It sounds lie he us being a real shut and using them and your baby to get at you. Save your sanity and detach. Put it all in a mental box and label it Past then start working on Present and Future. It's easier said than done, but building yourself a new happy life will make him suffer more than talking to him about these friends. Just smile and nod, say "how lovely dear." And keep the conversation to the relevant stuff at handover. It will lessen the pain.

I can totally understand how you feel as I had similar feelings. I was godmother to my friends children and had an incredibly close relationship yet she felt she needed to be 'fair' to both of us. That isn't possible as when you separate you do need to have have distance to help you move on. The last thing I wanted to hear was about my ex through them. Even if it's not discussed it's hanging there in the air.

Recognise that you are grieving - loss of a relationship and family life and loss of friendships however you will get over this. My best friend was eventually dumped by my ex anyway so she was left with no one! Over time you will be so surprised how life will turn out for you and I'm sure it will be positive.

I truly believe you need to go through this grief to get to the other side and I suspect your ex hasn't had to face that yet - it might feel like he still has his 'old' life but you're doing the hard work now. I rebuilt my life - slowly but now have the life I am happy with. I think many people have to go through this, although it doesn't feel like it when you are sitting home alone.

My dh also lost his good friend when his marriage ended - funny enough some years later his ex got together with the said friend!! Which ended his and her subsequent marriage. They are now outcasts as time has revealed their true characters.

Try and focus on positives, your lovely baby amongst other things - it really does help to keep a gratitude diary as it encourages your brain to keep focus.

I really understand how you feel. My husband left almost two years ago, the divorce came through almost 6 months ago, we've 'agreed' contact through the courts, but the finances aren't settled yet. None of my ex husband's family will have anything to do with me, along with quite a few friends. My ex has blamed me for everything and told so many lies about me, to the extent that I've been interviewed by the police! One of the things I feel so sad about is the loss of his family, I don't have a big family myself and now my three girls are leading lives half the time that I know nothing about and cannot be part of. I thought it would feel easier as time went by but I still have really bad days. I know that one day it will be easier, just not sure when that will be.

I know family is different to friends but like Mum above, I don't have much family and none close by and ex's family and I were incredibly close. They dropped me like a sack of shit despite the fact he cheated & treated me and his DC quite shamefully at times.

Family feel loyalty more I guess but I got past this loss - and for me, it was almost as big a loss as the end of my marriage - by distancing myself. It was and is still so hard - they have since got in touch to say if I need anything, to just ask but their actions when I needed them most are what I will remember.

I also got back in touch with friends who I'd drifted apart from due to exh not liking them or living too far away. Rediscovering everything I loved about these friends was one of the best things to come out of my marriage breakdown - and I realised how much I missed them... we are all super close again. Perhaps you have one or two close friends who you've drifted from in a similar way who would just love to hear from you.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness as we all deserve that