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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp is convinced im cheating

44 replies

hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 16:36

I tried to nc but it won't sodding work Angry

I have been with Dp 9 years & I'm currently 7 months pregnant with a much longed for baby .

Dp has been a bit 'off' with me for the past week or so & thursday he finally admitted that he thinks I'm cheating (well more than thinks iyswim)
I have no idea where this is coming from as I don't leave the house without Dp & only then it's once a fortnight & I don't speak to anybody other than Dp or my family .

I suffer from severe anxiety and depression which is one of the reasons I don't leave the house the other being severe SPD so I can barely move .
In all honesty I just stay in bed every day til he gets in from work as I can't even face leaving my bedroom I just feel that bad .

So why he thinks I'm cheating on him I'll never know. We have barely spoken the past couple of days as I'm just devastated that he could think that of me especially when I'm so bloody pregnant , he keeps saying he has forgotten about it and he does trust me but I don't know wether I can just forget it , forget that he can think so little of me .
I don't know what to do , my heads just telling me to leave but I don't have anywhere to go as I don't have any friends and my family don't have the space .

I need somebody to tell me what to do cos I'm just a complete and utter mess because of all this

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 16:51

Why he thinks you're cheating is less important than why he would openly accuse you, knowing you are in pain, anxious and basically housebound. Making groundless accusations is insulting and offensive, pure and simple. Can't be let slide,

As fake jealousy can be a red flag for a particular type of abusive behaviour I have to ask how is your relationship more generally? You say he's been 'a bit off' recently. ... what does that mean in practice? Are you getting help with your medical problems? Is he being supportive?

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 16:58

He isn't abusive verbally or physically which is why I'm at a complete loss to where all this is coming from as its completely out of character for him .

I'm so bad atm as my GP took me off all my medication when I fell pregnant , not getting any help from GP or midwife .

Dp looks after me , manages all the housework etc without moaning .
Does whatever I ask of him on top of his full time job

OP posts:
Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 17:00

What I mean by him been 'off' is that I could tell something was bugging him & he hasn't been sleeping for the past week or so

OP posts:
MaudeLebowski · 07/02/2015 17:10

Has he given you any indication of what his evidence might be?

MaudeLebowski · 07/02/2015 17:10

Because if not, I'd damn well be asking for it.

Pengting · 07/02/2015 17:12

Projection due to guilt?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 17:14

Then he has to explain himself. Crises happen from time to time, and I'm glad he's stepping up with support, but the answer to a bit of extra stress/responsibility (if that's what's going on) is not to act up and hurl ridiculous accusations, or to say 'forget about it' , it's communication. When your baby arrives ( and I hope it goes well) the whole paradigm of your lives is going to shift. As a couple you have to be able to communicate and resolve problems without it descending into resentment and insecurity.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2015 17:16

Id have assumed same as pen that he has done something himself and is accusing you to divert attention from his odd behaviour

Patatas · 07/02/2015 17:18

Could he be ill do you think? I was accused just before dh had a complete breakdown, he was suffering from morbid jealousy.

Obviously might be nothing at all like that, but its worth having on your radar if completely out of character.

Rinkydinkypink · 07/02/2015 17:24

Very common for the cheater to accuse the other partner due to their own guilt. Also very common for abuse to begin and increase during pregnancy and as health declines.

Red flags all the way op! Time to be vigilant and don't let him make you feel bad without challenging him on it!

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 17:30

I would bet my life on him not cheating its just not him & yes I know that sounds naive but I just know he isn't like that .

If anything it would be down to stress as I do put a lot of stress on him because of how ill I am

I have challenged him & he says he just doesn't know , it's a horrid feeling that he has

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 17:37

And has he apologised? Does he realise how offensive the accusation was and how damaging? Also.... If 'stress' is the reason, what is he doing personally and you doing as a couple to find better ways to deal with stress? Your presumably covered by a diagnosis and treatment. ... does he need to see a GP?

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 17:42

He has apologised profusely & can see what his accusations have done to me .

We keep talking things through & then everything seems ok but then I get angry/upset again .
I'll suggest him going to see the GP

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 19:34

Do you think your anger and upset is going on unreasonably long - is your illness causing you to react longer or worse than you might otherwise? Is he still off with you - are you reacting to a continued poor attitude rather than a one-off? What is the usual way things are left when you talk them through?

TendonQueen · 07/02/2015 19:42

I think you both need to see the GP. He will be stressed by effectively being your carer as well as working and presumably worrying about how low you are feeling at the moment. You need to tell the GP how bad your SPD and depression are and that you can't be left without medication or any other help any longer.

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 21:03

I have spoken with my GP in regards to my depression but I can't go back on any medication until I have had the baby as he is insistent the baby will be born an addict Confused

The midwife I now have because my usual one is off sick is very erm 'shut up & put up with it' if that makes sense & if I'm been honest my spd wasn't as bad until I saw her & she kept pressing on my pubic bone (i think that's the right one) , she kept pressing on it trying to get a stomach measurement which left me unable to walk for two days until the pain eased off a bit .

Dp is trying his best to put things right but I still feel as though I need to earn his trust back which is hard when I don't know how I lost it in the first place

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 07/02/2015 21:20

Poor you Hodge it all sounds very miserable for you. In our area there is a Perinatal Mental Health Team who can advise and support you and your GP with help and advice about suitable medication.There are things you can take if you need to. Perhaps you could be referred? Either the GP or the Midwife could do so. Some GPs don't have much experience in this field, so say things that aren't correct.

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 21:31

The waiting list for perinatal MH team is too long and I will have had the baby by then

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/02/2015 21:33

He isn't abusive verbally or physically which is why I'm at a complete loss to where all this is coming from as its completely out of character for him

Abusive traits often first show themselves when the woman is at her most vulnerable, such as during late pregnancy. It's a time to test if she will accept the abusive behaviour. Quite often she will because she thinks it's a 'one off' or 'out of character'.

It can be very subtle so make sure that you hold your boundaries firmly in place.

I still feel as though I need to earn his trust back

You don't, so stop acting like you do. You can be angry with him for making accusations based on nothing. You can be disappointed in him that he would think so poorly of you. You can be suspicious that he is trying to cover up some behaviour of his own by diverting attention on to you. And you can tell him all that. Be strong and be alert for further instances of unusual behaviour from him.

But do not feel that you have to do anything to put this right. He owes you big time and he the sooner he understands that the better imo.

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 21:47

He doesn't expect anything from me , he agrees that I don't have to earn his trust back etc , that's just how I feel

I have also been extremely vulnerable before & he hasn't done/said anything

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 07/02/2015 23:00

It is a well known tactic for an abuser to establish a period of abuse when their victim is vulnerable, as then the pattern of power is - well - established. So he now has you jumping through hoops (by choice, so you think) and whilst still 'being there for you'. Bless. And you feel even more obliged to prove yourself because he did some housework.

What will happen now, is that you will always feel guilt at leaving the house, thus positioning you as his house elf.

Until you come to your senses in about 10-15 years.

Jackw · 07/02/2015 23:08

You don't need to earn his trust back. He is bonkers if he thinks a pregnant woman who is depressed, in pain and practically housebound is going to have the opportunity to have an affair. Who does he think you are having an affair with? The window cleaner? The postman? Either he doesn't really think you are and this is abuse or he is mentally unwell. Which do you think is most likely?

CinnabarRed · 07/02/2015 23:09

As an aside, I BF DS2 and was pregnant and BF DS3 on Sertraline, and neither was "addicted". Your GP is talking shite. It's the recommended AD for PND preciseky because it's safe for BF and pregnancy.

Original poster
hodgepodgepanda · 07/02/2015 23:33

Dp is not abusive , I grew up round abuse & I would not stay & take it , however naive I sound saying he is not abusive he really isn't & I don't know how I can put that across

OP posts:
Jackw · 07/02/2015 23:40

Then he is ill, because there is no way that this is a normal thought. Please don't feel that you are in any way responsible for this abnormal thought nor behave differently in order to pander to this abnormal thought. Yes, GP is the first port of call.