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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm catasptrophising or not

44 replies

maryclarey · 07/02/2015 13:57

A week ago DP and I were having dinner at his friends place. We were talking about our future plans to move to the "burbs", save for a house etc. DP and his friends are about 7/8+ years older than me (I'm approaching mid thirties) and are mostly already married with kids save for DP and one other who is single. During the conversation, DP said something like, "well now that most of [our groups] weddings are done..." at which point his friend interjected and said "Most! Well that sounds promising, that's progress for you!" in a half joking manner, because he has had a sort of reputation I suppose, for not having a relationship that has made it this far before. Anyway, DP then said "well we have to buy a house first!" And then the conversation moved on.

All fine, except we are at least two to three years from being in that position, and what he said has sort of thrown me because I guess I figured we would marry first, not least because after a few beers (I know I know) one night last summer he proclaimed he wanted to marry me and would get me a ring when he had his bonus (which he got at Christmas by the way) and now I wonder if he is stalling. We are doing fine as a couple otherwise, we are both at the stage of our lives of wanting to settle down and we get along well living together, love each other, want to have kids, all that stuff. Although we are both a bit reluctant to leave the city with live in and all its conveniences for life in a smaller town, we talk about how the benefits will outweigh the perceived negatives too. He is a good partner, messy and annoying at times but then so am I! We are a good fit and I guess I'm keen to get going on our lives together, we are not spring chickens after all, but I don't put any pressure on the him or anything, as I don't want to force anyone into anything they are not comfortable with.

My main problem is my last relationship I waited far too long (7 years) for someone who didn't want to marry me at all and it was so painful extricating myself from that. I don't want to get in that situation again, especially as I'm older now. I don't want to be late thirties before I realise I've done it again, you know? BUT, I am prone to catastrophising things, so am I over reacting? When I compare this relationship with the last one, it's not the same at all (ex couldn't even have a conversation about the possibility of marriage/kids). I had CBT before and during the end of the last relationship so I know I might be over reacting now and protecting myself by imagining the worst possible outcome but DP does have form for arriving at decisions without much discussion so I am somewhat concerned. Not in a nasty way I hasten to add, but he is used to just making decisions and isn't much of a talker when it comes to getting himself comfortable with some change in his life. An example would be when, a few months into our relationship, he out of the blue called me his gf without any discussion. Which was fine by me, but it's a funny way to ask/tell someone you're serious about the relationship I feel, although I was happy about it! It's like he has to get comfortable with things in his own head or something and then decision made, it just is, it doesn't need an announcement or anything. I'm not explaining this very well! I hope that makes some sense. Does anyone have any insight they can offer? My brain is mush and yours probably is too if you've read this epic post!

OP posts:
Chaseface · 07/02/2015 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 07/02/2015 14:00

To be honest I think it sounds like he said something for the sake of saying something if you know what I mean. It's the sort of thing my DH would have said in a group of his friends (we've now been married 3 years and still don't own a house Grin) because he wanted to deflect the question/avoid talking about it. He hates people knowing our business, even his best friends.

But obviously I don't know you or your DP, or your relationship so if it is something that's causing you stress worry then I would advise just talking to him about it! You don't have to sit around waiting for him to make a move.

Lweji · 07/02/2015 14:06

Ignore that conversation, but do talk to him about marriage and children and buying houses. If it's important to you and you want to know if you are wasting your time, then it's time to discuss the actual relationship.

DeliciousMonster · 07/02/2015 14:06

Wouldn't marriage be a joint decision? Rather than you waiting for him to make him yours?

I think you need to both sit down and discuss your future.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/02/2015 14:06

Here is an idea why don't you ask him? Your relationship will never work long term if you bottle it all up. I cannot understand why you cannot have a straightforward conversation about this.

You both want marriage/kids/house in the suburbs. You should be planning the timescale for that together, not fretting about when he will decide - it is a joint decision!

holdyourown · 07/02/2015 14:08

I agree- why not just tell him what you've said here- sounds reasonable enough. Either that or set yourself a time frame eg six months, see how it's going then and discuss it with him then. I reckon he was put in an awkward position by his mates and just said something to shut them up, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
Maybe he's waiting for valentines day Wink

WeldedParentMaterials · 07/02/2015 14:11

Oh OP Thanks

I actually read that as him saying he needs to buy a house first before moving, not about getting married to you.

I think you might be catastro...sizing (good word but I can't remember how you spelt it!) but I do similar so I completely get why you're panicking.

But I think you'll be fine.

WeldedParentMaterials · 07/02/2015 14:12

Plus he probably just wanted to sit his friends up, especially if he is planning on asking you soon

WeldedParentMaterials · 07/02/2015 14:12

*Shut, not sit

Malabrig0 · 07/02/2015 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brandysnapper · 07/02/2015 14:27

If you're what, 34? it might be wiser to do it in the order of baby-marriage-house rather than the proposed route! Could take a few years to find a house (or to save for it) and can take a few years to have a baby too. A wedding you can plan in a few months.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/02/2015 14:44

Everyone is right, don't look for clues, just have a discussion with him. If having kids is years off, you need to know- but you know that from your previous experience. If you are about to leave him over it, he also needs to know that to make the right decision:) Nothing in this suggests it won't work out, but surely by mid-thirties, these discussions are on the agenda and if he's strolling up to forty in a very relaxed way you may need to point out the consequences of that for you.

Original poster
maryclarey · 07/02/2015 15:09

Thanks all, I do need to talk to him. I mean, we have talked about houses, kids, all that but only about house buying in terms of timescale. I guess I'm a bit afraid of raising it from having bad experiences in the past with the ex, who would totally shut down when it came up. My DP will talk about things when it comes up but I do feel the marriage issue is maybe a touchy subject for him, given his rep with his mates, and also his family are always on at him, both his siblings are married (both younger). He is also traditional and I know he wants to ask me, he has said so. I know that's old fashioned but it is what it is! And I would prefer to be married before kids, the security is important to me.

I don't want to rush things either, I want to be sure it's all him committing to this, that he's not doing it because I forced the issue. But I can't go through the same situation again long term, and he should probably know that is where I stand if he doesn't get it already. The problem with a lot of men is they don't understand the declining fertility thing too, I'm probably too aware that if we want two kids and keep our careers going in between we need to get a plan in place. He's not a good planner though:)

Ach, I am probably over thinking things.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 07/02/2015 15:13

You're not over thinking, you're under communicating though.

If you want children you need to have that conversation now.
Oi, dp, we're not getting any younger and if we want to do the traditional marriage then house then kids we need to get started now!

Original poster
maryclarey · 07/02/2015 15:18

I know you're right seriouslyffs it's hard for me to raise these things but I am trying to woman up!

OP posts:
ChippingInGluggingOn · 07/02/2015 15:19

I agree with seriously & others who said much the same.

You need to talk to him, and soon.

I wouldn't read anything at all into the 'girlfriend' comment, but I have to thank you for bringing back a warm fuzzy moment I'd long forgotten about :)

ChippingInGluggingOn · 07/02/2015 15:20

X post

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/02/2015 15:20

How long have you been together? If under a year, not rushing is a good idea, between 1-2 ok, and if more than 2 I think if you are mid-thirties and content to drift along, that's how it will be.

If it's under two and you feel he's really committed to you and waiting for right time to propose, great, but I would have an internal deadline in your head six months from now.

Yes, I know women can propose, I didn't want to though -can't say I think it matters now, my husband reckons I was the keenest to get married and I think the same about him!

ChippingInGluggingOn · 07/02/2015 15:20

Woman up quickly!

Original poster
maryclarey · 07/02/2015 15:21

Glad to have reminded yiu of something nice chipping :)

OP posts:
ChippingInGluggingOn · 07/02/2015 15:22

:)

It's a daft thing, but it's actually really cheered me up, so, thanks again.

Original poster
maryclarey · 07/02/2015 15:30

thenapolean its about 2 years but we've only lived together since the summer. I am sure he is committed to us being together, all plans are inclusive of "us", he says how happy he is to come home to our home, rather than going out on the tear with work friends (in fact he has gotten quite antisocial). It's just marriage, I do wonder if he is scared of the permanence of it? Or maybe that it equates to being dull and boring. I think he views his parent marriage as being like that. I'm drip feeding now aren't I.

OP posts:
Paloma12 · 07/02/2015 15:42

I would stop over thinking and just lay it on the line. Far better to bring things to a head either way. Otherwise you could find yourself 40 and no further forward, or 40 and single.

Lweji · 07/02/2015 16:47

I want to be sure it's all him committing to this, that he's not doing it because I forced the issue.

This is what I don't understand. Talking about getting married is not forcing the issue, not more than a man asking a woman.
Neither is telling him that he has by X time to ask and marry you, if he is that keen on being the one who asks.

Lweji · 07/02/2015 16:50

Just because you are a woman you don't have to be passive in what regards marriage. And insisting in being the one who asks is quite controlling. Particularly if he won't do it.
Because it keeps you hoping, but it won't move forward. It is a way of shutting you up.

Don't fall into the same trap as with your ex.