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Original poster

Submariner WAG - no contact for 3 months!

40 replies

charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 15:01

Hey!

I am new to mumsnet and really came looking for some friendly faces and a bit of a chat.

I am in a new city, in a new flat and a new job, and my DH got called away 2 days after we moved in together.

As he's a submariner he can't have any contact with me whatsoever. I get to send him 60 words a week, which has to take the form of a telegram and isn't private! So i'm going a bit loopy to be perfectly honest.

If anyone has been through something similar and didn't lose their marbles, it would be good to hear from them!

OP posts:
thisisnow · 06/02/2015 15:18

Not been through that must be so hard though! How are you finding our new job?

thisisnow · 06/02/2015 15:26

your not our sorry!

sharon56bus · 06/02/2015 15:34

So which one of our SSBN.s is he on Vanguard, Vigilant, Victorious, or Vengeance?.

Thought you were not supposed to talk about it ..............

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2015 15:59

Welcome..
I have no advice because I haven't been in that position.
It must be very hard for you.
Do you have any idea when you might see him?

msrisotto · 06/02/2015 16:04

I'm slightly surprised that we can't do better than that, communications wise.

3 months, wow. That must be really tough! I have no similar experience, just sending my respect to you! I go mad when DH is away 3 days.

Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 16:06

Yeah I don't think I'm supposed to talk about specifics! That's why I thought I'd keep it to my experiences back here.

My new job is good but I've been off with the flu for most of the second week so still getting used to it, and it's a new area for me so loads to learn.

I'll see him in around 3 months, but we don't know exactly when because his exact return date is confidential and I don't get to know it!!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/02/2015 16:07

I had an acquaintance who was married to a submariner and she found it enormously difficult - not just the lack of communication but simply having no idea where he was at any one time.

Are there no support fora for those left behind which you know of ? (I have a feeling there is at least one but my memory is playing up with it.)

YaTalkinToMe · 06/02/2015 16:08

Hey
No experience sorry.
Hope all the new things are going well for you.
It must be so tough, Im asking a nosey question now- do you take out small words like "and", so you can fit more in?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2015 16:18

I had a boyfriend who was a submariner and did the 60 words a week. My tips are:

  1. Plan things every week - time goes by quickly when you are busy. Do the things that you don't normally get to do when you are with him.
  1. Use in-jokes or known codes for the 60 words to keep it personal.
  1. Don't worry about other people reading it.
  1. News is good but not too much of "it was a fantastic party you really should have been there".
  1. Don't expect him to be full of happiness and energy when he gets back. My Bf used to take a week to adjust to being back in real life - before that he was tired, quiet and withdrawn.
Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 16:18

Yes - it is like he's disappeared. I send him these telegrams and it's like talking to a brick wall!

The support is a bit pants. Got a letter the other day saying if other families are up for it they can support us to organise stuff, but a lot of that is geared towards families and I'm just a lone girlfriend. Also I am not very pro forces - don't get me wrong I am supportive of my boyfriend but I am not all gooey eyed over 'our troops' and a lot of the forums etc are a lot like that.

Nosey questions are fine! Yes I do take words out, as you're not allowed punctuation either. So they end up sounding a bit funny. I pretend I'm sending him a tweet :)

OP posts:
Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 16:19

Thanks UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea that is really helpful, especially about when he comes back

OP posts:
Powaqa · 06/02/2015 16:21

If he was like my ex, he also stank when he came back

cozietoesie · 06/02/2015 17:21

He'll get a good belt of leave when he returns won't he?

Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 17:33

Haha yes I've been warned he will stink :)

Hopefully he should have a fair bit of leave yes. Shame I will be working 9-5 with a 1 hr commute each way, but at least it means he can do the washing up!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/02/2015 18:09

I've heard 4-5 months but I have no idea if that's true or a wild exaggeration. Even so, I've always felt that must be one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship with a submariner. Going from absolutely nothing to someone there 24/7 - just at the point when you've become accustomed to the solitude.

Do they have sleep disturbances, Unexpected ?

Dollybagwash · 06/02/2015 18:16

Hi Charlie, my fiancé is a submariner. It's hard!!

Please keep sending the letters as my df has told me on return that these keep him going knowing someone at home cares.

I've never used the forces support but find for me really focussing on me for 3 months is helpful. Work, hair appointments, redecorating etc.

There is no easy way to handle it and defo do not expect too much when he comes home. It's hard as you miss them so much but push too hard and he will withdraw (obv don't know your partner this is just my experience)

Now we have a baby I'm dreading the next patrol Hmm big hugs and keep busy!!

Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 18:31

Hi Dolly, thanks for the reply. It is good to know I'm not the only one! I will definitely keep sending the messages, I do it every Tuesday afternoon hoping that he reads them at some point.

I guess that is a good idea, to try and use the time to do what I want to do. I have unpacked the flat and made it look nice which is something!

I think that's really good advice about not pushing them too soon once they get back. I am quite an emotional person whereas he is less so, and I think I will need to keep that in mind not to demand his attention 24/7.

I hope your df doesn't have to go for too long! It must be much harder with a baby.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2015 19:11

Sleep depends on the individual I thi. It's a strange way to live and my ex bf found it frustrating having lots of leave when all his mates were working. Try to book holiday for when he has time off.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2015 19:12

Thi = think

roland83 · 06/02/2015 19:14

What would happen in an emergency? Do they just not know about it until they are back?

I guess you have to take the positives from it and think that you get loads of alone time to develop yourself, but it must be really hard.. I don't know any submariners, so I just presumed they contacted every week or two by phone, how difficult for everyone involved.

Get creative with those 60 words! Grin

MGFM · 06/02/2015 19:17

Is he your DH or BF? I am in the Navy, as is my DH (not submariner) but we still do a lot of time apart but granted we have good communication. If you are living in a Married Quarter then the community support is usually pretty good. I have excellent forces neighbours.

Due to consecutive deployments, one year we were apart from Jan - Dec with only 2 weeks together in August. It is always more difficult for the one who is left behind. I remember getting very sad in costa on a Saturday, sat by myself, with my kindle, eating my muffin and watching all the couples doing couple things. I did put on a few pounds while he was away Shock.

I know 3 months seems like a long time but actually you do get used to it. Surface fleet deployments are now 9 months long, and the other type of submarines also do about 8-10 months away. SO I guess it could be worse?

Or just think of ways to spend all of his money when he gets home lol! A fancy holiday etc! Gotta Love SM Pay! :)

cozietoesie · 06/02/2015 19:27

roland

My memory is that once at sea, that's that, emergencies or no. That was some years back though so things may have eased more recently.

Original poster
charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 19:38

Re: emergencies - they don't like them having bad news and they won't come back to drop them off so they discourage it massively. If your telegram has bad news, they just don't give it to them. You can ring RN Welfare if something does happen and they'll help you, but deaths in the family etc have to wait until they're back.

Sorry MGFM getting used to the lingo on here! He is my BF :) so I'm not living in married quarters. We are lucky to have a 3 month deployment - there were much longer ones but he applied for the shorter ones and very luckily got them. Couples are seriously getting to me at the moment so I feel your pain from that experience. I just want a hug!

I have decided to try and get fit in the 3 months he's gone so he will be amazed by my transformation, and also the endorphins from the exercise will keep me happy, hopefully. And learn to drive! So thinking of things to keep busy.

OP posts:
MGFM · 06/02/2015 19:43

I think I did comfort eat to replace the lack of cuddles/hugs etc. If you have the motivation then the get fit idea is a good one, you can really get into it and then take him out for a run when he gets back! 3 months at sea with just a few rusty rowers, I am sure you would be able to outrun him! lol

SilverHoney · 06/02/2015 19:54

Just wanted to say 'hi' as another one who's been through a few 3 month deployments. I use the time to see as much of my friends and family as I can. I live away so invite them to stay for weekends, as I know when he's back we're going to want to spend all our time together.

To be honest it works for us. I like that it means I keep my independance, while some of my friends end up sobbing when their bf is away for a lads weekend. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, but it means we appreciate our time together more rather than getting sick of each other!