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Original poster

Submariner WAG - no contact for 3 months!

40 replies

charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 15:01

Hey!

I am new to mumsnet and really came looking for some friendly faces and a bit of a chat.

I am in a new city, in a new flat and a new job, and my DH got called away 2 days after we moved in together.

As he's a submariner he can't have any contact with me whatsoever. I get to send him 60 words a week, which has to take the form of a telegram and isn't private! So i'm going a bit loopy to be perfectly honest.

If anyone has been through something similar and didn't lose their marbles, it would be good to hear from them!

OP posts:

Original poster

charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 20:43

Yes I definitely ate a whoooole lot of my feelings in the last couple of weeks, and felt awful! You're right, it might be the only time I can outrun him :)

OP posts:

Original poster

charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 21:34

Hi SilverHoney sorry I only just saw your post.

I live away too so that is a good idea to get family to come and stay. Most of mine live in S England and I live in Scotland so it would definitely be a trip! I suppose you are right that it puts it into perspective when he's away for a few days!

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 06/02/2015 22:16

There's a forces thread on here, you might want to look on there and well as wherever you fancy on the rest of mn.

Sounds like you'll both need some support tbh, it's tough for you both, in different ways.

SorrelForbes · 06/02/2015 22:24

DH is a submariner and 10 month deployments are not uncommon. We've never bothered with the 60 word messages. I send him emails (he's in charger of comma so that may not be an option for all ship's company) and he tends to receive them in batches. Officially I never know where he is but I can usually work it out!

The smell of 'boat' when they come home is really quite indescribable. [Grin]

lovingmatleave · 06/02/2015 22:43

my dh did quite a few patrols. He came back with all the 60 word messages I had sent. They are printed out on a long thin piece of ticker tape. He said the messages were what kept him going, even though they were full of boring crap like took son to visit park, museum, etc. Would second keeping busy, and make sure you have something planned for each weekend. However, word of warning, the adjustment when they come back is difficult. You get so used to doing things your own way, not having to consult them on anything, having the house just how you want it etc. its almost like they get in the way when they come back.

ems1910 · 06/02/2015 22:43

Eww the smell! I remember it well from my ex-H coming back off his deployments.

I lived in Scotland too so am certain I know which town you are in :)

ems1910 · 06/02/2015 22:46

The longest we did was 6 months, but with contact when they were in port. I know this is different to your class of boat.

Have you made any friends?

Original poster

charlieb89 · 06/02/2015 22:53

LavenderHoney I have posted on the forces thread but not as active I don't think?

Ah yeah SorrelForbes no such luck for my BF he's an engineer so no emails for us. A friend of the family's neighbour has a submariner DH, she makes him stand in the garage for a while for the smell to go away haha. I might make him shower on base :)

Hopefully if I go into it knowing it will be a definite adjustment when he gets back it won't be too bad. I am pretty laid back about where things should be or how I do things. I think! We will put that to the best I guess!

Haha yes ems1910 I'm obviously in Glasgow, don't think that's confidential! I haven't made any friends yet, though some friends down south have put me in touch with people they know here. So there's friend potential! I've been ringing my family a lot, which has been nice.

OP posts:

ems1910 · 06/02/2015 23:03

A shower will not remove it! lol!

I moved to the town where the base is and OH went away for 3 months, I was 6 months pregnant, no friends, no family and in a pretty miserable state. It definitely got better! I made loads of friends there, the community was fabulous and I reallymiss it now x

miniegg123 · 07/02/2015 08:22

Hi Charlieb89,

I feel your pain, I'm 18 years into a marriage with a submariner and I'll will brutally honest. It get no easier. I was in exactly the same situation 23 years ago only with 1 small baby and it hard. What I've learned is this: It's good to have a plan, keep yourself connected to people, take each day as it comes, make a life for yourself that is yours and can support and nourish your soul so that you continue to grow, treasure the time he is home but don't let it overwhelm you, and only join in the naval family stuff that you want to. I stay in the Glasgow area and there is a great social app called meet up.com it's fab for finding groups to join who share your interest.

A funny thing about the 60 word family gram is that after 18 years I've learned to communicate in a very succinct manner

Original poster

charlieb89 · 07/02/2015 08:46

Wow ok, so I am not doing this with a baby or whilst pregnant so I really have a lot of respect for you guys!

Yeah miniegg123 I have had a lot of people telling me it will get easier, and although I know they are coming from a good place it kind of annoys me. I remember being just as upset when he went on training, and that was with phone calls - and this time is no different so I had an inkling it would always be pretty rubbish when he was away!

Meetup sounds like a great idea. i suppose the one big upshot of this is that I will never be overly reliant on my BF as I have to have my own life! I will have to be a strong independent woman whether I want to be or not haha :) (Which I do, obviously)

OP posts:

SorrelForbes · 07/02/2015 09:50

Nope a shower doesn't get rid of the smell! It lingers on all their kit too.

DH is a Weapons Engineer which covers the comms stuff too. He's always been on T boats so we've never lived up in Faslane which I'm relieved about being a nesh southerner

Original poster

charlieb89 · 07/02/2015 16:49

Oh crikey ok, I will be ready for the stink then.

Yes we specifically chose to come up here so the boats he went on were the ones with the shorter trips!

It is absolutely freezing. I don't want to look at the gas bill when it comes, it's going to be ridiculous but to not have the heating on in my flat would be self harm.

OP posts:

miniegg123 · 07/02/2015 22:09

Lol - ooft the smell is nothing like you've ever smelled before ah but it's do lovely when the boat pulls in.

I've been thinking about you today Charlie and how I felt when I first moved here to scotland and the hubster went to sea a month later. Reading your posts brought it back so vividly.
It is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for you over the next few weeks and then right in the middle of the patrol you will sense a shift in your soul. This is when you realise you have reached or just passed the middle point of the 12/13 weeks and the you shift into countdown to return. I see my children go through a process of grief every time their dad goes away. I've learned that no matter how often we wave him off on patrol the process of his departure, duration of patrol and subsequent return has to be felt. We've tried the denial, pretending and ignoring his absence and it's awful, the pain just sits there festering. But when we learned to feel his absence, get angry about it, cry because of our sadness it doesn't last as long. So from the midpoint on we make plans for his return, the kids make plans for what they'd like to do with him when he's home. I have a list of chores ready and make private plans for us too. Then when we get the letter with the estimated day of arrival, me and kids go to rhu narrows with flasks of tea and deck chairs and binoculars and we have bets on the time the boat will come in and who will spot the boat first. Then when it passes rhu spit we all cry and wave and shout daddy. And I watch my children faces and wonder if they will be able to bare the pain again if he goes away within another 6 months. But they do and we enjoy the time we have to the max.

I'll send you big supportive hugs till you reach your midway point and start your countdown rituals??

Jennifer21 · 04/03/2015 23:07

Hi Charlie,

My boyfriend is just back from a patrol a month and I still see times where I know to just let him be for a while. It is hard but you learn to make the most of the time you have together before he goes. I know how you feel though and I am here if you need any support. Thanks Jen x

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