I don't really know if this is normal or I'm just needy?

[Tinytillytot]

I've been with DP for two years. We argue a lot and it really gets me down. We haven't spoken for three days now because of something that happened on Tuesday. Let me explain even though I'm embarrassed to do so as it's so petty. We were walking and I was explaining something that had happened at work, I finished the story but DP was just looking straight ahead with no expression on his face. I thought maybe he hadn't heard so repeated but he continued to stare straight ahead with no flicker of acknowledgement or reply etc. I asked him why he was being so rude and his response (as always) was that I'm "mental". He then told me that earlier I'd walked in front of him and that was rude but he didn't feel the need to "pull me up on it". This sort of thing happens all the time. There are other issues, we don't have sex really, once every month maybe and he refuses to kiss me. Recently I asked him to kiss me and he sighed. I feel really unattractive. He will often talk to me like I'm a child repeatedly and robotically in a way that makes me want to scream and I have to dig my nails into my hands to stop myself. If i get upset when we fight then he laughs in my face and says im mad or mental. I'm sorry, this all sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm losing the plot a bit. I don't even know what I'm asking???

No it's not normal. Not speaking for 3 days after an argument is a horrible way to live. If you feel like this after 2 years, think how you will feel after 10.

If you feel you can't trust your own judgement, trust ours.

He's a twat and you can do much better.

He will bring you great unhappiness and no real happiness.

It's not a loving relationship.

You can do much better. Leave him now and find someone who loves you properly.

BEcause of your past you are accepting something that is well below what you deserve. You think you are lucky just to have someone and that if you are alone it will be proof that you are indeed not good enough for anyone.

THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

You are better off alone than with someone who treats you like shit and makes you feel mental. You deserve a loving relationship and this is NOT one.

Just because he's nice sometimes/mostly doesn't mean it's ok to be vile, demeaning and insulting other times. IT just isn't okay.

If he doesn't want to kiss you, what the fuck is he with you for? Don't accept this situation any longer. Start looking at flats/houses, imagine yourself with a life you like, with a space in it for people who are real and loving towards you, be that friends, or a partner. If you stay with him and have a child with him things really will get worse because children get right in any cracks that were there and prise them right open, and then you'd be really stuck.

Don't have children with this man, you'll regret it. He's showing you what he's really like.

Agree with pps. Sounds like it's an awful relationship. I'd end it!

I think you know this is not normal but doubt your judgement which is why you posted - a number of posters have said this isnt right. It childish at best - 'speaks to you like a child...in a robot voice' wtf.

being scared of being on your own re kids etc is no excuse to stay with him. - you'll end up having a child with him and 'settling' - do you really think he'd make a good father.

FWIW I think part of life is fiugring out what we dont like, dont want, wont put up with...use this to make a decision - either you state you values and expectations to this partner or leave and look for those values and expectations in another relationship.

It is worth taking the time to get it right - you may live for anoter 50 years fgs!

I watched The Perks of being a Wallflower last week and there was a brilliant quote..“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I think you need to sit him down and have a good talk. Make a list of the things that bother you first. It sounds like he is controlling your emotions and you are letting him. You each need to understand how the other feels (works both ways). If he doesn't appear to care how you feel and what is upsetting you then.....says it all really

Oh OP, I really feel for you. It's easy for us all to say 'get out' but you do have issues you are dealing with from your childhood which make it all so difficult. You say you never 'felt I was as good as other people' and you're still feeling that way. But at least you are recognising that feeling now, and understanding where it stems from.

You say your doubt your judgement but the facts are there in black and white, as are the reactions from everyone else on here. Not one person has said 'you're overreacting, that's normal behaviour' because it plainly isn't!

When I was in my early 30s I was in a crappy relationship. I stuck it out waaay longer than I should because I was scared, like you, of not meeting anyone and missing my chance to have a family. When I came to my senses at 32 and finally broke it off, within a month I'd met the man who would become my DH. We got married last year and I'm pregnant with our first. If I'd stuck with my ex, I think we'd still be wrangling over me even moving in with him! That's just my experience but please don't feel you are in the last chance saloon. I look back at how unhappy I was and am amazed that I didn't end it sooner. Benefit of hindsight I guess.

I can't tell you what to do, that has to come from you and from the heart. But please know that you ARE good enough and absolutely entitled to respect, love and support - as are we all. Good luck xx

Well. quite a few replies on here are saying, get rid, get rid, but it is clearly not what you want to do.
If you want to stay with him then your relationship needs working on. When he doesn't reply to a question it is called ' Stonewalling' , look it up. There is a lot about Stonewalling on Google.
Because of your Chaotic childhood, you admit to having issues of Self Esteem. It probably means that you are unclear about what can be considered ' normal' within a relationship. Also your upbringing can have an effect on the partner you choose. You could be choosing someone who replicates the background you are used to

I think that unless both of you wish to move forward then things are not good.
Also you need to have some sort of counselling to address your background and a course in Mindfulness to help with stress. If you have self esteem you also have self worth. If you think you are valuable and worthwhile then others will follow.

He then told me that earlier I'd walked in front of him and that was rude but he didn't feel the need to "pull me up on it"...

This is highly abnormal and a sign of a very entitled person and probably very controlling. "Walking in front of him" ?!?! WTF. "How dare you act in any way other than subservient to my high status?" It is very peculiar.

It sounds like you have got used to the relationship and are scared to leave because you feel being with him is better than nothing. But it isn't.

He sounds unpleasant and at the very least extremely bullying. A bit of "we get on well" and "charm" makes no difference if the other side of those scales is silent treatment, ignoring you and belittling you.

The VERY FACT that you are asking "is this normal or needy?" indicates how much of a number he has already done on your self-esteem. You really should leave now before he breaks you totally. Why would you stay with someone who fucking well sighs when you try to kiss him?? Why? Leave it much longer and you'll feel no man will ever want you and be emotionally incapable of leaving. Which may very well be exactly where he wants you.

It sounds like the relationship (for him) is over but he just can't get round to telling you straight. He's a coward who's being increasingly distant, probably in the hope that you will say it first so he doesn't have to.

Sounds like emotional abuse to me, I think you should really try to leave him if you can

Please please do not have children with this man.

All the time you spend in this bad relationship is time you are stealing from a future good relationship.

This was the sort of behaviour my ex pulled before he descended into much more blatant controlling and putting me down. (Things in our lives changed, I know can see he 'upped' this treatment as my life became less centred on him).

I actually mentioned it to a dr because I was concerned it was some sort of depression (which he claimed with no diagnosis and still does ) because of this cold almost autmaton way of talking to me.

The Dr asked about how often, how he was with other family members. Obviously the Dr couldn't diagnose anything without him. But he gave me various suggestions based around it being depression. But I remember the Dr saying "do you feel you are in a relationship?". I froze, utterly. I knew it wasn't a relationship because he simply did not see ME.
I decided (like the insecure fool I was) that I'd make it amazing. Do everything 'right' these are all signs of just how completely he had me 'programmed to please' by that point.

Laughing at you, calling you 'mental'. Even if he's NOT doing it as some sort of control. He is a deeply unpleasant and uncaring individual.

Bugger that!

So sad to read this, it sounds like a classic case of Emotional abuse, dominating, belittling, critisizing then reeling back in, with kind behavior.
tell me does he critisize your friends ? he doesn't like you family? do you have any control over the finances, he criticises what you wear ? laughs at you infront of friends ?
You are in your 30's, You hardly have any sex life, he doesn't even like you enough to give you a kiss? & you wold even consider having a child with him ? (btw, the real abuse usually kicks in after 1st child is born)
The only solution is the door, better to start again than be in an abusive relationship.

It's not you, it's him. He's a right horrible bastard. Get rid!

How does he talk about previous girlfriends? How does he treat staff in shops, restaurants etc?

2 years! You should be walking on air, blissfully in love, not feeling shit cos the man you are seeing is a nasty dick head.

Sorry OP, this wont get better, it's a massive red flag, every time he puts you down, pull him up on it and if that means breaking up - good riddance. I hate bully's.

Just think to yourself - when you hear his key in the lock, are you pleased that he's back or tense and nervy until you discover what mood he's in?

God, get rid!! He's a nasty dick. A complete twat. You can do better by dressing up a broom handle and drawing a moustache on it.

And, and - people in this dilemma - caught in a shit relationship and hesitant - always say things like - 'well, most of the time it's ok/great. He makes me laugh. Bah blah...'

Don't you get it? It doesn't matter if he acts like a nasty hate-fuelled wanker only 5% of the time, THAT'S THE BIT THAT MATTERS. That's the bit of him that's going to make you feel just a tiny bit lonely and sad even when he's in a good mood, because you never know what's round the corner. That's the bit of him that's going to make you hesitate, all your life long, to say that you truly love each other and are happy. That's the bit of him that's always going to make your life harder as you make sure you don't ask him for too much support, don't look a fool in front of him because he'll sneer or laugh, don't tell him your deepest thoughts and feelings because he'll belittle them.

He's a nasty piece of work. Nasty pieces of work are, most of the time, fun and happy, just like everyone else, because that's how they feel like being at that particular moment. Nothing else. But what's different is the empathy, the care, the humanity. He'll only ever be happy and fun and nice when he wants to be for HIS own ends. Never to make you laugh to make you happy, never to cheer you up, never to go out of his way to show care or support.

It's like having a car with faulty brakes, and saying 'well, I like the colour, and the seats are comfy, and it's easy to park... no, I think I'll stick with it, most of the time the brakes work ok.' Is it a good car to have? No.

Please don't stay in this horrible relationship. Anyone who treats you like this - even if they only do it 1% of the time - is a nasty piece of work. And it won't get better, you're only 2 years in... Don't do this to yourself.

Sticking with him because you want to have children is a non-starter, because I think bringing children into this relationship would be a VERY bad idea indeed!! What's going to happen when your child annoys him in some way - Is he going to ignore them for 3 days? Tell them they are "mental" when they get upset? Refuse to show them affection? Worse?

It sounds as though the relationship your parents had wasn't a good example to you... So don't do the same - don't have children in an unhealthy relationship with someone who makes you feel small.

Leave this ass-hat and find somebody who makes you feel good.

Please do not have a child with this dickhead.

You could be pregnant within a year by someone else. Wanting a child is no reason to stay in this trainwreck. He's not the only penis in the world.

Imagine watching your childs face the first time his Dad tells him "Mummy is mental, isn't she?"

Makes you shudder.

You would be cruel to your unborn child to actively choose to have him with this man. You'd basically be saying "my child doesn't deserve a better Dad".