Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am attracted to needy/unstable women? Any advice to remedy?

37 replies

Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 08:08

A forum poster mentioned that I might be attracted to women who are unstable and needy and it knocked me off my feet because he's right!

I never realised it but when my previous girlfriend told me about her broken family life, her ex's infidelity, her being bullied at school I felt great pity and fell very hard for her. If anything these warnings could have attracted me more because I saw an opportunity for my love to have a restorative effect.

I don't know if I thought I could fulfil some heroism need I have deep in my subconscious or whether my own hang ups could somehow be resolved by showing this girl all the love I had to give. I did, and we were in a honeymoon period for months, but when I wanted to pursue a better career a mass of unachievable needs were stirred in her due to a reduction in time together. I went through hell for 3 years trying to make her happy, every day losing confidence in myself, isolating myself from family and friends and becoming mentally and emotionally crushed.

Half a year from the split I am looking for a new lady, but in doing so I have struck up a discourse with another girl with a less than ideal past and her own host of hang ups. I am getting sucked in like a month to a flame but I need to extinguish the desire she has invoked. Any advice?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 06/02/2015 08:15

You need to walk once you have discovered their murky pasts!

You also need to take a chance on the sort of woman you wouldn't usually date. It might not appeal to you at first but you need to persevere so that you can experience a different normal.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 08:20

Thank you. That sounds like good advice.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 08:24

How about working hard to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy? And work out what it is that you are trying to do for them? And why?

Finola1step · 06/02/2015 08:27

You need to work out why you feel the need to be the rescuer.

lemisscared · 06/02/2015 08:28

do you want someone to be so grateful for your attention that they will let you do what you like without considering them? do you lack confidence? everyone has a past

Meerka · 06/02/2015 08:32

You generally can't rescue people ( there are a few rare exceptions here though, but they are rare).

People generally can only rescue themselves. What can help is providing an environment where they can find some peace - IF they can accept it. Other than that skilled help i needed to help people heal.

having a broken background is not necessarily a sign that all will go wrong, but it is a sign to be aware that the person might have problems. Some people emerge unscathed, but most show the signs of a troubled childhood. Knowledge and experience is needed to help them and those never really come from a partnership; far better off delivered from outside than in.

Find someone you really like and whom you think you will be compatible with.

Jaded2004 · 06/02/2015 08:34

This has only happened once, it's not a pattern yet. Many people have dodgy pasts and most people come with baggage of some kind and it doesn't mean they can't go on to have healthy relationship. The issues you have raised are sensible things to look at for yourself though. You can't 'rescue' other people and they can't rescue you.

gatewalker · 06/02/2015 09:20

OP - Consider psychotherapy. Until you've worked this through, it will continue to happen.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/02/2015 09:36

Everyone has had trauma in their lives, so anyone you'll date will have some kind of murky past. The difference is that some people have learned how to cope with it and done their own healing work. Those who haven't learned how to cope with it well, often try and dump it on their partner, for their partner to heal (an impossible task).

You have probably had a similar kind of trauma in your own life to your needy girlfriends (a needy or demanding parent, for example, who taught you to put your own needs after theirs), and your own unhealthy way of dealing with this wound to yourself, is to become a rescuer for others. Another impossible task.

Heal yourself first. Realise that you are whole and complete as you are, and that other people's stuff is their stuff, not yours to take on. And when you feel yourself attracted to the emotionally bleeding and you will subconsciously continue to be attracted to them, if that's how you've been conditioned then be aware that this is what's going on, and take steps to avoid being the rescuer again.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 09:39

I think perhaps I just need to stay single for a while until I figure out me. The involvement of children has been the factor holding me back from meeting her as I don't want to be another flyby male figure in their lives if we did like each other and start something. It's a shame because I like this girl but I can tell I have reservations that are already affecting me going into it with an open mind. Perhaps I'm still healing from my last relationship too.

Thanks for the advise. I think I have judged this girl too quickly to an extend and made some assumptions about her situation as you point out.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 06/02/2015 09:40

Stay away from relationships for a bit and find a good psychotherapist. A decent shrink will help you think through the experiences, expectations and relationship from your past that are nudging you towards this pattern again and again.

FWIW when I was younger I found myself repeating the same pattern of messy relationships and heartbreak again and again. I spent a spell in therapy and am now blissfully happy in a healthy, mutual and very positive marriage to a wonderful man. I 100% think I wouldn't be here if I hadn't spent that time sifting through my past and learning how things don't have to be like that.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/02/2015 09:45

and can I add, that rescuers are not attractive to people who know how to deal with their own shit. I've been in a situation where a rescuer type has been attracted to me once he heard about my past, and it was really flipping annoying: it's like he always wanted me to be upset or unhappy about something, so he could ride in and rescue me, and was actually put out that I was fine and didn't need him.

I'm not saying you do this. Just trying to show you that being a rescuer is not good for the other person, either. It is not generous and kind: it prevents the needy from learning how to cope with their own stuff, and it translates as needless interference for the not-needy.

sixandtwothrees · 06/02/2015 10:05

Yes, you're a rescuer, my dp was this (I do like to think he isn't rescuing me...), he attracts personality disorders like paperclips sticking on a magnet. You are obviously wired to fix people and tend to the vulnerable because somewhere deep down you have been taught that that is what makes you a valid person. But it actually is quite unhealthy...

Someone on another thread was talking about attachment styles - how you attach to other people determining the kind of people you end up with - this might be worth looking at for you.

No reason you can't have a level adult-adult relationship with someone with a dodgy past who owns their shit and can offer you the same support you offer them, but it needs to be even, not rescuer-victim or parent-child.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 10:06

That sounds very true

OP posts:
APlaceInTheWinter · 06/02/2015 10:13

You should consider counselling to see why you are a 'rescuer' and also to help you tease out the difference between 'pity' and 'love'. You felt sorry for your ex and confused that strong emotion with love.

fwiw both of you created the dynamic in your last relationship. Labelling partners as 'needy, unstable women' implies you are in a superior position but you're not. You have to acknowledge that actually you helped to create an unhealthy dynamic in your last relationship and that your desire to 'rescue' is also unhealthy.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 10:24

That is probably true. I made it especially worse by giving in to her demands and hysterics.

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/02/2015 10:27

I've been in a situation where a rescuer type has been attracted to me once he heard about my past, and it was really flipping annoying: it's like he always wanted me to be upset or unhappy about something, so he could ride in and rescue me, and was actually put out that I was fine and didn't need him.

Heh, happened to me too! thanks guy-long-ago but while I can't say I've got my shit completely together ... I really don't want to end up falling apart just so's someone can rescue me :P

sixandtwothrees · 06/02/2015 10:28

Exactly what APlace said about the difference between pity and love... And that it takes two to create this dependency.

Anecdotally, I once asked dp (in an exasperated moment) why the hell he stayed with his very screwed up from terribly abusive parents, utterly incapable as a parent herself, extremely selfish, lying and abusive exw for so long (nearly 15 years). I said I won't be even remotely jealous if it was that the sex was great or she was really awesome in some way, or she was stunning, or whatever. He said honestly, that he thought he was looking after someone who really needed looking after, he thought if he just gave her the context she would be able to sort herself out, and he was perpetually scared that she would top herself if he left. Fifteen years!!! And before that, numerous similar shorter relationships. He says repeatedly (we have been together nearly 2 years now) 'I just can't believe how much I am getting back from you...' It's like a revelation to him that he can be looked after too. Do not be that guy arsenal !!

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 10:31

That sounds similar to my previous situation. Thanks so much for sharing - inspirational

OP posts:
sixandtwothrees · 06/02/2015 10:41

No probs Wink

Definitely read around it and get a bit of therapy if you can afford it.

Norest · 06/02/2015 10:51

Having been on the receiving end of rescuer behaviour I can tell you it will either feed into the current issues and enable of the person is wanting someone else to come and 'fix' them, or it will be bloody annoying because the person doesn't want or need a white knight.

Taking things slowly with someone who has 'ishoos' can help you figure out if they are actually dealing with them, or have already dealt with them.

The last person who tried to 'rescue' me made up quite a lot of stuff in their head about me in order to fulfil their need to be some uber saviour type. They were pretty pissed off when they realise I didn't want or need their 'help'. It was ALL about them and their ego, to the point where they tried to make me into the needy person they wanted me to be.

Original poster
Arsenal123 · 06/02/2015 11:51

These comments have really opened my mind. I thought I saw signs that she needed a rescuer etc but perhaps they were misconceptions in reality.

She's a beautiful woman for sure but in the long run I need a girl who can take care of herself because while I believe I have a good balance despite this attraction to so called perceived needy women (apologies for that label) I can't waste anymore of my life with drama.

I've never actually dated anyone with kids so that also has something to do with the stalling and overanalysing.

OP posts:
GelfBride · 06/02/2015 18:40

If you meet someone with a bad background, don't let that be an automatic red flag though OP. I had an unbelievably shite childhood but there is very little I can't do and get narky if DH tries to tell me how to put a new fuel tank in the Land Rover and stuff like that Grin
With some people a bad upbringing can make them want to be a high achiever (ie the opposite of someone in need of rescue) so try and get a feel for the personality first before you run for the hills if you find out she had a rotten childhood. It's a fine line you tread but realisation is a long way to sorting it.

Twinklestein · 06/02/2015 21:37

Have you read any books on co-dependency OP? That's where the term 'rescuer' comes from.

I agree with pps that everyone has baggage, it's how you deal with it at issue.

I wonder if there are any issues in yourself that you haven't dealt with, that you may supress, that you distract yourself by trying to fix other people's issues?

Nextwednesday · 06/02/2015 21:51

I had a year long relationship with someone I would class as a 'rescuer' and it turned out to be about control. I was going through a difficult time and he wanted to do everything for me. He would offer me money, go out of his way to get things for me, insist on doing things to 'help out' that I didn't want.

He wanted me to be all helpless and dependent on him.
When I ended it, he said he felt 'used.'

I only mention this in case it helps you reflect on what your motives really are. If someone is helpless, they need you and depend on you. Do you Like that feeling?

Someone else I recently went out with (yes I must attract them with all my shit) said, I want you to see you cry so I can help you fix it. The rescuer is more screwed up than the 'unstable/needy' one (your words.)