I think I am attracted to needy/unstable women? Any advice to remedy?

[Arsenal123]

A forum poster mentioned that I might be attracted to women who are unstable and needy and it knocked me off my feet because he's right!

I never realised it but when my previous girlfriend told me about her broken family life, her ex's infidelity, her being bullied at school I felt great pity and fell very hard for her. If anything these warnings could have attracted me more because I saw an opportunity for my love to have a restorative effect.

I don't know if I thought I could fulfil some heroism need I have deep in my subconscious or whether my own hang ups could somehow be resolved by showing this girl all the love I had to give. I did, and we were in a honeymoon period for months, but when I wanted to pursue a better career a mass of unachievable needs were stirred in her due to a reduction in time together. I went through hell for 3 years trying to make her happy, every day losing confidence in myself, isolating myself from family and friends and becoming mentally and emotionally crushed.

Half a year from the split I am looking for a new lady, but in doing so I have struck up a discourse with another girl with a less than ideal past and her own host of hang ups. I am getting sucked in like a month to a flame but I need to extinguish the desire she has invoked. Any advice?

Google co-dependent (that's you)/narcissistic (your ex) relationships OP.

You sound textbook.

And then go and meet a nice, normal girl who wants a mutually enjoyable relationship.

I think its nice that you want to help someone. Go for it! Don't jet the jaded put you off.

White Knight Syndrome!

Marking this thread to watch, as I consider it may be relevant to someone I know

Relationships are inter dependant anyway, in this day and age it's highly unlikely to meet anyone who doesn't have some kind of mental health related issue brought on by childhood experiences, especially with regard to behaviour whilst in intimate relationships with another person..

Songs and poems have been written for millennia over the complexity of relationships and the joy and angst they can bring, stop fretting and take no note of some of the loons on this forum...

Yeah, going "through Hell" and becoming mentally and emotionally crushed sounds very nice for the OP......

Next Wednesday - we must have had the same boyfriend I think mine had control issues too - if I was dependent on him and needed him then I wouldn't leave. When I left (he wanted more commitment and resented my job - I was just getting back on the career ladder so was busy esp with two children) he really slated me - told me I'd never find anyone as good as him, that I was the most damaged person he'd ever met, and that I hated men and had never had a proper relationship... I was actually quite scared at the time cos he really lost it!

I told my ex -dh what he said, he fell about laughing and said that I was fine - it was ex bf with the issues!

It felt like he was always trying to fix me - when things weren't broken -so he felt indispensable -I spent much time bemused!

Well done for spotting this tendency in yourself. It's a massively unhealthy, damaging one which can tip over into making you become abusive - if you start expecting your helpless wounded puppy to be eternally grateful and/or push buttons so the person who was starting to recover is distressed again. One of the most toxic men I ever met had a thing about 'needy' women (his favourite film was Betty Blue, which says it all) and really fucked up a couple of friends of mine. He was great at psychological sabotage so the minute they were feeling a bit better about themselves he would start questioning the relationship/lying/running after another wounded puppy of a woman who 'needed his help and friendship'. Etc.

But you sound smart and thoughtful and with a bit of luck and possibly counselling, you will be able to lose this mindset and be a nice partner for a nice person.

There's nowt wrong with being a nice helpful kind person btw. Just be aware that you can travel alongside someone, but you can't do the walking for 'em.

Woah ... I'm an easy going guy and for me this tendency is not about control. I've not tried to impose myself or my values on anyone. I am just saying that in the process of trying to make people happy I seem to sympathise and fall for people who openly say they have had it rough. I don't know if it's the fact they confided in me or some fault in my character as you all seem to be pointing towards but at least I am open about it and receptive to the advice given here. What I don't like are the assumptions made without evidence.

In the long run this tendency has lead to heartache as I can't fulfil their needs.

Please note I did not put my ex down like some of the anecdotes you mention ... I just wanted a nice relationship and to make her feel good because she was very low when we met.

After moving in together I start to retrain for a new career which takes a lot of time but I am still there for her. She starts to think things are wrong when we don't spend all of our time together and yells at me. Where I can I modify myself to try to make her content and remind her that I am working and studying towards a better job so that one day if God blesses us with children we can live a comfortable life.

The fact that I refused to argue made her actions towards me worse. She accused me of not caring, adultery, and even incest. It all came to a halt when I needed space after my gran died of cancer and she was still making demands while I was grieving. That was the last straw. I was gone.

She accused me of not caring, adultery, and even incest.

Woah.

One thing to observe in a relationship: What do they get angry about, and how do they react and handle it?

Someone who accuses you of cheating and of incest is a really bad bet!