Struggling to believe DP and getting depressed. Please read if you half an hour spare. Would love advice

[feelinglostandlousy]

I'm struggling to know where to start. DP and I have had some relationship problems for a while now, but I was hoping that as DS got older and needed less of my time we could work on our relationship. Just over a month ago, DP went out. Not unreasonable behaviour of course, but I discovered him getting home at 6 in the morning. Under pressure he admitted he had been round at this woman's house we both know who has recently split with her partner and was moving away the next day. She has been a friend of both of ours for ages. We had a bit of a ruck over it as he was supposed to be getting up at 8 to look after DS. Plus I found it a bit odd that he wouldn't say where he was for ages. About a week later, his phone rang. He went outside to answer it and after a few minutes I stood up to go to the loo (near where he was). I could hear this womans distinctive voice. When he got back, I asked him who had phoned and he made up a cock and bull story about it being a customer from work. I challenged him after a while and he admitted it was her.
2 weeks ago, I went for a walk along the river with DS and pulled up in the car park next to his car - he was supposed to be working. Something about his demeanour was odd and I looked out of my passenger side window to see this woman walking away. To my mind, that was it, that was definitive proof - bearing in mind that she lives miles away now it was not just coincidence that they were there together. I'm afraid I told him to f*ck off rather loudly in the car park. When I eventually got home, we had a huge row, with him getting all defensive and shouty because of my reaction in the car park to something that was "absolutely nothing". I went out all the next day with the full intention of the relationship finishing, but when I got back we did actually start to speak about some things, and he told me how much he loves DS and I and how he really wanted to work things out between us. He said he had lost me once before and didn't want to lose me again. He said he had lied to me but not cheated.

We really really had a great week together last week, talking about things together, planning things together, but I had an uneasy sixth sense about something on Friday and looked at his phone on Saturday morning. I know, I know, I shouldn't have looked, but I found this in his sent messages:

"Morning Baby how r u. Glad u slept well. I didn't get much sleep as he
was up at 6. I was a bit grumpy. Hope ur day is going well. Missing u, oh well lifes a bitch sometimes. Do u
think you could come up next week. If u do I've got all wed baby I know I
shouldn't really as it's not fair on you but i miss just being with you.
xxx big squeeze xxx"

I read it out to him as I told him it was the reason I would be leaving him. I then made myself scarce for the weekend. I got these two text messages on Saturday after sending him a text asking him to go out for the evening as I didn't want to see him:

"I really thought we were going to work things out and things were getting
better. the last thing I ever wanted were 4 things 2 get like this. It is
all my fault I just wanted to sort anything out without hurting anyone and
have ended up making things worse not better which I thought things were
getting"

and

"I understand what u think but this is not what I wanted i was trying to
work things out between us and i thought it was working but just felt I'd
made a complete mess and didn't know what to say without hurting anyone".

On Sunday I even got an ansaphone message from her. Telling me it was not what I thought - they were just friends and just enjoyed each others company and just spent hours gassing each time. They did like each other but they had talked about it but he loved me and DS too much to do anything. That was the general gist anyway. But then he's telling me he has only met her once in the car park near the river. And then, I'm afraid I delved deeper into his phone and discovered that he had rung her at 3 in the morning prior to the day when I found them in the car park, just 4 minutes before ringing for a taxi. He had woken me at 3.37 when he got in from his night out when those phonecalls were made. He'd been at the local pub who are prone to do lock-ins, but so local he sure wouldn't need a taxi.

When I got back from my day out on Sunday night and he was distraught, really genuinely distraught. Absolutely beside himself and inconsolable. We spoke. He said he sent the text as he wanted to see her face to face to tell her he couldn't carry on as they were. So I'm still here. Sort of. That text doesn;t read like that to me. He's now acting like nothing has happened (a man-tactic according to a male friend of mine). But I can't get my head round it all. Nothing makes sense. Nothing adds up. But right now I'm truly depressed. Not down in the dumps but proper depressed. I have just slid further and further downhill since last weekend. I know it is not helping me to see things in their true light.

I don't trust him, I can't trust him. Can I? Would you? I don?t know where to begin with how to feel.

If you have got this far, you are an angel with the patience of a saint.

Couldn't read this and not post.
Do think it sounds very fishy to me. Not sure what I would advise. Doesn't sound like he's being honest, and in order for you to trust him and make a go of it, if that's what you want to do, I think you need to know exactly what has been going on. Have you considered couples counselling. Would it help if you could maybe get a babysitter for your ds so that you can be on neutral territory and just lay all your cards on the table - he NEEDS to be completely honest about what has happened in order for you to make an informed decision.

Agree with Pooka.

I think you need to have a totally honest conversation with him. Can you ask him how he'd feel if it was you acting like this? His is not the bahaviour of somebody who is being open and has nothing to hide, IMO.

Really sorry you're going through this - it's very hard unless he's prepared to be totally honest. If this was me, I would say to DH that he had one more chance to be totally honest with me, then we'd try to make a go of things. But I couldn't live with continued and repeated suspicion hanging over us. If it was DH, he'd have to make a decision not to see or contact this woman, I think and stick to it.

Message withdrawn

That's what I think Pooka. I have asked him to tell me the truth and he comes up with things that just don't tally. If he says it's the truth but I just don't believe him is that just me being unable to forgive and forget?
(thanks for getting through all that by the way. Just needed to splurge it all out).

Thanks HM and Mellowma. Can't believe anyone took the time to read it when I saw the length of it myself!
I have told him that if he does see or contact her again the relationship is over. The problem is that I don't trust him after everything that has gone off - repeatedly lying to me over her (or so it would seem).
I spoke to his mum about it. She spoke to him the next day and when I last spoke to her I asked her if she believed him. She didn't say "yes" but what she did say was that he had said that he would have deleted the message if it had contained anything incriminating. What, like the message that was replying to and all the rest of them. Did I mention he changed his text messages to silent about a month ago?

I think he is behaving dodgily.

I think there's a chance he forgot to delete that from his sent messages - I know I can send a msg without saving it or with and sometimes I send it and save it and it annoys me because if I don't remember to go and delete it it means my phone is full of messages sometimes and I won't get an incoming one.

How terrible for you. I have recentl;y split from my partner for many reasons, one of them being his text intimacies with another woman who he insists are just friends. As she is 10 years older than him and not very attractive, i believe him, but they are still itimacies and inaproprate when we were apparently trying to work things out.

You need to tell him the trust between you is broken and it won't just come back. For the sake of your relationship and your famliy he needs to forsake this friendship - he needs to make a choice, and he needs to be loyal to his family.

And above all he needs to be honest with you, and agree to no betrayals of any kind and especially no lies of ommision.

Can you talk to both of them together? Get him to break it there and then?

I can't say I disagree Hunker! He has selectively deleted as all the messages I or anyone else sent him or he sent are there.
Bllcks

Oh, how horrible all this is for you.

of course his message doesn't tally with a story of wanting to finish it...but it, and her subsequent actions DO tally with him wanting to put his relationship with you first.

If he can be genuinely honest and truthful, I would maybe be prepared to have another go - maybe with some counselling - but if he continues to lie, I think you have problems. Partly because he will see lying as a 'succesful' way to get away with this sort of thing by the skin of his teeth - which wouldn't bode well for the future.

It's good you have told his mother.

Is there any way you can sleep separately for a while? It's impossible for you to pretend this hasn't happened. And it's deluded and selfish that he would expect you to.

He will be humiliated, and won't want to be reminded of it, but you need to ask him, make sure that you both understand that you are supposed to be on the same side. If he is putting someone before you; his partner, the mother of his child, even if they are only a friend, it's impossible not to be humiliated by that, and that?s when resentments start and things will only get worse.

FL&L - you already know the answer don't you?

You know that you cannot trust him and until he accepts that then there really is no way in which you can start to rebuild a relationship.

Until he actually and deliberately ends his relationship with this other person, then he cannot devote himself to rebuilding a new one with you.

How long you are prepared to wait until he gets to this point is up to you really - and how much you are prepared to gamble on him finally ending it with her and wanting to rebuild the relationship with you.

In the meantime, I would get some counselling for yourself - relate will see you on your own and will help you see your way through this crisis. I think the difficulty is that when people in a relationship constantly deny what we know to be the truth, it makes us question our own sanity! Don't let his denial of the issue make you feel you are going mad! Stay strong, believe what you know to be true and pay no attention to his lies.

Good luck - I fear you are goint to need it over the coming weeks and months

Oh, she knows MT. No need to break the news. I sent her a text thanking her for her part in the breakdown of my relationship (and I was amazingly polite too). She rang DP before ringing me.
I know about your relationship problems MT, and I was shocked to read that it was over, but not suprised. I am sorry.
Funnily enough you were the first Mumsnetter I thought about when all this surfaced as I remember your thread polling for opinions on whether it was worse for a man to have sex with another woman or develop a close friendship. I knew which one I thought was most appropriate at the time, and I know I am right now (whether they had sex or not is almost immaterial to me now).

I feel the same, sex would be immaterial, so the fact they tell me it?s platonic is meaningless - the betrayal is an emotional one. It's so sad.

me and DP are still living together, but he is in the spare room. I do have pangs now and again, it's hard to switch them off when I was so committed to our family, but then I remember the humiliations, the lies, the betrayed intimacies, and I can't forget them or forgive them.

Maybe if he apologised it would go some way to forgiving him, but he is in painkiller withdrawal and all his emotional energies are directed there, his family neglected once again. I have to protect myself and DS from his self absorption basically as I'm not sure he will ever come out of it.

I really am so sorry for you - I know how heartbreaking this is. Good luck.

Blu - deep down I think you are right but it is the lack of trust that is the barrier to me accepting it. I can't see him going to work without thinking he is going to be ringing/texting/seeing her.

SB and all others that mentioned counselling - I think I will go to see Relate on my own. I had briefly thought of it but sort of dismissed it (mostly due to childcare problems). Where there's a will there's a way.

Is he moving out at some point MT? It must be a very difficult situation for you

No, I don't think you should be putting yourself in a position of trust that will only be abused. it is far too precarious a position to be in.

If he is serious about recouping and repairing your relationship he has to be able to put her right out of his mind - and be gald to do so.

"baby I know I
shouldn't really as it's not fair on you but i miss just being with you."

And this was the text saying he wanted to see her because he wanted to end it? I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe a word of it. to me that text reads "I know this is hard on you that I'm with x, and I'm sorry, but I miss you and I want to be with you because I miss you". If you hadn't confronted him about the text, would he have met her? do you honestly think she would have come up so they could "talk" all day?

If he really loves you, and really wants to sort things out with you, then he needs to tell you everything, that is everything and that includes whether they've had sex, which tbh I think they prob have esp as he's been staying at her house till 6 AM/calling her at 3 AM and meeting her in carparks. those are not the actions of someone who is in an innocent friendship. And he needs to break off this "friendship" with her yesterday, change his phone number and delete her's from his contacts.

But first and foremost he needs to be honest with you, and you need to make it clear to him that you're ready to hear the truth.

You said he'd lost you once before. Was it over something similar?

very sorry that you are going through all this. I agree with your assessment that it just doesn't add up. It really doesn't sound like you have the truth of the situation yet. He has shown you emotion when it was needed and that stopped you leaving but now he has closed off again. That's quite manipulative (whether he is doing it conciously or not)and i think he is still a bit away from being able to be honest with you. take care

FLandL sorry to say in my book he's having an affair! He's giving away to someone else a part of himslef that omly you should get. I strongly suspect as well that he is or has had a physical relationship with this woman (going from my experiences with my dh)The worst issue here is betrayal and trust (sex aside!)He has brought a third party into your realtionship and this can never work.

If he truely wants to make a go of it with you he has to spell it out to this woman, cut off ALL contact with her, change his phone number etc and be prepared for a while at least to account for his every move and let you look at his phone.

My dh had a full affair with a work colleague, even when I found out he stopped the physical side but kept seeing her, ringing, emails texts....he could not at the time understabnd why I was freaking out! He was living in a fantasy at the time, she was a hige ego boost for him and she was very needy at atime when we'd lost each other a bit. He eventually came to his senses and realsied he'd risked it all, I waited for him but he came so close to me calling it a day. He says now how at the time he wanted to make it right all round, for me and for her to be there for us both but he now understands he brought a cancer into our relationship, that has and still is taking a long time to cure.

I read an artical last night which I agreed with it said affairs are rarely about love, they are temporary insanity and usually about the latent neediness in the person having it. Ofetn they are not even connected to problems in a marriage but to problems within the person themselves, they are a temporary high and are fantasy/escapism and therefore noot real and cannot be sustained.

Only you know if you are prepared to wait for him to come to his senses....he need to realsie what he's about to lose!

Personally I wouldn't believe him. That text sounded far too familiar. I would want to know everything that had gone on, I would need to know. It's the intamacy of an affair that bothers me rather than the sex. I'd also want him to never contact her again for any reason, even to say goodbye or whatever and to change numbers. He should expect to have to work hard to regain your trust and to make you feel like the woman he loves.

I agree with wanna I'm sorry to say. Why is he calling her "babe" if they're just friends and giving her a "squeeze", saying he knows it isn't fair on her, etc. My guess (mind you it is just a guess) is they had sex that night he stayed at her house till 6 or got very close to it. She'd just broken up so she was vulnerable and probably enjoyed someone finding her attractive. Gave her a boost no doubt. The way dh has been acting, I think he was happy to indulge in a fling of some kind but made it clear he wouldn't leave you and ds because of it.

It isn't nice, sorry you're going through this. Think he wants his cake and to eat it too and he's lying so he can have it both ways if possible. Ultimatum time I think.

If he genuinely wants to save your relationship (which ain't necessarily the case from those texts whatever he says) then he has to be completely honest with you and admit everything that's gone on without trying to hedge or justify. Doesn't sound like he's prepared to do that. And if he isn't, then there's not much of a future for you, is there?

I'm very sorry you are in such a horrible situation, but don't let him play games or distract you from the main issue here.

Do you feel strong enough to be on your own with ds right now? Or, given how depressed you are, do you think you need to keep things on an even (if not very satisfactory) keel until you're feeling more able to cope?

Make some small decisions, just for yourself, about what you want to happen. It sounds like you've been feeling out of control for a long time. xx

F L and L

I feel that your partner is conducting an emotional affair and such things can become physical given time and opportunity.

You say that there have been relationship problems for a while now; am sorry to say that this is probably the result of those same problems. Affairs are symptomatic of problems in the relationship, not the cause.

Will he be prepared to go to Relate with you, he certainly needs to prove that you can trust him again. If he does not want to go then I would go there on my own. This needs to be talked through.