I'm struggling to know where to start. DP and I have had some relationship problems for a while now, but I was hoping that as DS got older and needed less of my time we could work on our relationship. Just over a month ago, DP went out. Not unreasonable behaviour of course, but I discovered him getting home at 6 in the morning. Under pressure he admitted he had been round at this woman's house we both know who has recently split with her partner and was moving away the next day. She has been a friend of both of ours for ages. We had a bit of a ruck over it as he was supposed to be getting up at 8 to look after DS. Plus I found it a bit odd that he wouldn't say where he was for ages. About a week later, his phone rang. He went outside to answer it and after a few minutes I stood up to go to the loo (near where he was). I could hear this womans distinctive voice. When he got back, I asked him who had phoned and he made up a cock and bull story about it being a customer from work. I challenged him after a while and he admitted it was her.
2 weeks ago, I went for a walk along the river with DS and pulled up in the car park next to his car - he was supposed to be working. Something about his demeanour was odd and I looked out of my passenger side window to see this woman walking away. To my mind, that was it, that was definitive proof - bearing in mind that she lives miles away now it was not just coincidence that they were there together. I'm afraid I told him to f*ck off rather loudly in the car park. When I eventually got home, we had a huge row, with him getting all defensive and shouty because of my reaction in the car park to something that was "absolutely nothing". I went out all the next day with the full intention of the relationship finishing, but when I got back we did actually start to speak about some things, and he told me how much he loves DS and I and how he really wanted to work things out between us. He said he had lost me once before and didn't want to lose me again. He said he had lied to me but not cheated.
We really really had a great week together last week, talking about things together, planning things together, but I had an uneasy sixth sense about something on Friday and looked at his phone on Saturday morning. I know, I know, I shouldn't have looked, but I found this in his sent messages:
"Morning Baby how r u. Glad u slept well. I didn't get much sleep as he
was up at 6. I was a bit grumpy. Hope ur day is going well. Missing u, oh well lifes a bitch sometimes. Do u
think you could come up next week. If u do I've got all wed baby I know I
shouldn't really as it's not fair on you but i miss just being with you.
xxx big squeeze xxx"
I read it out to him as I told him it was the reason I would be leaving him. I then made myself scarce for the weekend. I got these two text messages on Saturday after sending him a text asking him to go out for the evening as I didn't want to see him:
"I really thought we were going to work things out and things were getting
better. the last thing I ever wanted were 4 things 2 get like this. It is
all my fault I just wanted to sort anything out without hurting anyone and
have ended up making things worse not better which I thought things were
getting"
and
"I understand what u think but this is not what I wanted i was trying to
work things out between us and i thought it was working but just felt I'd
made a complete mess and didn't know what to say without hurting anyone".
On Sunday I even got an ansaphone message from her. Telling me it was not what I thought - they were just friends and just enjoyed each others company and just spent hours gassing each time. They did like each other but they had talked about it but he loved me and DS too much to do anything. That was the general gist anyway. But then he's telling me he has only met her once in the car park near the river. And then, I'm afraid I delved deeper into his phone and discovered that he had rung her at 3 in the morning prior to the day when I found them in the car park, just 4 minutes before ringing for a taxi. He had woken me at 3.37 when he got in from his night out when those phonecalls were made. He'd been at the local pub who are prone to do lock-ins, but so local he sure wouldn't need a taxi.
When I got back from my day out on Sunday night and he was distraught, really genuinely distraught. Absolutely beside himself and inconsolable. We spoke. He said he sent the text as he wanted to see her face to face to tell her he couldn't carry on as they were. So I'm still here. Sort of. That text doesn;t read like that to me. He's now acting like nothing has happened (a man-tactic according to a male friend of mine). But I can't get my head round it all. Nothing makes sense. Nothing adds up. But right now I'm truly depressed. Not down in the dumps but proper depressed. I have just slid further and further downhill since last weekend. I know it is not helping me to see things in their true light.
I don't trust him, I can't trust him. Can I? Would you? I don?t know where to begin with how to feel.
If you have got this far, you are an angel with the patience of a saint.