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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

selfish DP

35 replies

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 22:00

I'm new to this so please accept my apologies if I slip up.

I've been with my DP for almost 5 years I have a teenage DD from previous relationship and we are bringing up my nephew. He adores my nephew and wanted to be part of our lives. I wasn't desperate for a relationship, quite enjoyed being a single parent for 6 years previous to him. The problem is, he practically lives in his log cabin/shed. He's up at 5:30 am as he needs to get his head together before work (he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help) otherwise he will be angry all day! He doesn't come back in the house until 8 am. He makes his and and DN their lunch, DN has additional needs so it take ages to get him ready every morning whilst I'm also trying to get ready, having to chase him round the house to eat, get dressed etc. We both work full time, I don't finush until 5:30 and dont get home until 6:45 pm most nights, whereas he finishes at 5 and walks through the door at 5:30! He wont learn to drive so even if I have a day off I feel obligated to take him and he expects it. I cannot remember the last time I had a lay in! When he gets in he goes straight in the shed, as I said I get in at 6:45 I then make dinner, he eats it and goes back in the shed. I put DN to bed, was doing ALL chores in house but now I've started paying someone to do the cleaning otherwise I spend all day Saturday, juggling shopping, cleaning, lifts for teenage DD, parties for DN etc. He won't even reload the dishwasher unless I ask him which I can't even be bothered to do anymore. He hates TV, won't ever watch a film with me as he doesn't like my kind of films, I said okay we will watch what you want - still never happened. He doesnt agree with going out for dinner, waste of time and money when you can eat at home! Joke really as I pay most of the time anyway. Ive put up with him paying about the same amount as a lodger would as i earn more than him, but not that much more!

If I go out to do food shopping or hairdressers on a Saturday, he makes out he's hard done by as apparently I'm out all weekend!

He's refused to come on a family holiday in the summer! I paid and would have paid for him, he would just sit getting drunk all day as he hates the sun, can't relax and would be utterly miserable. I spend all weekend alone, unless I go to a friends with DN but I would prefer to be home with him. He never used to be this bad and I've been putting up with it for a long time now, hoping he will see sense. Should I just get rid? I just feel awful to DN as for some reason he adores my OH even though he's only emotionally available when it suits! Please don't be negative, I'm just struggling with what's best for all of us, I can put up with it but I know I deserve better, its just my DN, I can't stand the thought of breaking his heart.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/02/2015 22:06

The only thing that would "break his heart" would be to lose his skivvy and his meal ticket

what is he actually for ?

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 22:06

PS he says he loves me and wants to be with me! I have tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and says I'm selfish as I just want him to be miserable.

OP posts:

AliceInHinterland · 05/02/2015 22:08

I think OP means breaking DN's heart.

CitySnicker · 05/02/2015 22:12

So you should be miserable instead?!?
I'd get rid of the shed when he's at work then deny all knowledge.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2015 22:14

Your nephew doesn't need a "man" like this in his life

Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2015 22:18

Sounds like you're keeping a rather expensive, non-house-trained pet for your nephew. Can't you get him a kitten instead?

AliceInHinterland · 05/02/2015 22:20

I'm with AnyFucker - this guy contributes nothing and is a terrible role model.

AliceInHinterland · 05/02/2015 22:21

Annie

Fairylea · 05/02/2015 22:23

What on earth is he doing in the bloody shed?! I'd torch it. Utterly ridiculous behaviour. My dh suffers from extreme anxiety and doesn't hide in a man room for hours at a time. My first husband did, he actually called one room in the house the "man room" and spent all his time in there watching star trek and collecting little model figures.... While I did everything else. He's an ex now. Thank god.

I couldn't put up with that at all. Your dn doesn't need a role model like that.

queenofthepirates · 05/02/2015 22:29

Yeah, blow up the shed!

Disclaimer, not with him in it

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 22:32

I promise I have felt like torching it many many times! He sits educating himself! Apparently! I love what Annie said.... Almost wet myself

OP posts:

Mrsteddyruxpin · 05/02/2015 22:32

Honestly dn will be better off in th long run with you as a sole role model and not the loser. I imagine half of his little quirks like hiding in the shed to calm himself are his way of getting out of any type of responsibility.

dump dump dump

Fairylea · 05/02/2015 22:35

Well wouldn't we all love a little shed to hide in. Mine would be full of chocolate and a posh coffee maker and a massive ipad and maybe a netflix enabled tv. Great. I can avoid doing everything all day long... that's fair isn't it? Surely the kids and dh can manage without me.

mayfridaycomequickly · 05/02/2015 22:37

What does he do in the bloody shed???

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 22:37

I just feel utterly guilty, I know its silly and in my heart I know what's right, its just doing it. He's spent 5 years convincing me I'm mad for wanting a normal relationship! Apparently all the men he knows go up the pub! I should be grateful he don't do that!!! I know he's taking the pee, but I just need a bit of support I suppose, as I don't think it is normal to live this way. I just need confirmation I'm not mad for wanting normality! Thanks ladies xxx

OP posts:

Fairylea · 05/02/2015 22:40

It's definitely not normal but most of all it isn't making you happy which is enough reason in itself. Not all men go down the pub or like sport or hide in sheds. Plenty are perfectly happy being at home and involving themselves in family life. You sound like a lovely person, I really do think you can do much better. Please don't settle for this. I know it's hard when you're living it but if you get out and look back in 5 years time you'll be glad you left.

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 22:42

He's got a 'workshop' he has 2 grands worth of PC, a couple of monitors a load of electrical gadgets so he can play games!!!! Or build things! His reason to get a custom built PC is because I saved and bought sofa and 3 nice new beds for kids and us! Oh my god as I write this is cringe!!!

OP posts:

Eustasiavye · 05/02/2015 22:47

Ask him to leave to give you space.
In that time decide if you prefer life with or without him. That will provide your answer.

GoooRooo · 05/02/2015 22:47

He's wanking to porn in the shed. Obvs.

Why are you with this manchild? You would lovely and he's taking advantage.

GoooRooo · 05/02/2015 22:47

*sound not would!

AliceInHinterland · 05/02/2015 22:49

OP you have done a wonderful thing taking on your DN, you really don't need to take responsibility for a full grown man as well. He needs to sort himself out, and relying on you so heavily is not good for him either. Liberate yourself, go back to the freedom you had before and don't look back.

meandjulio · 05/02/2015 22:51

You would not be preventing him from having a relationship with your nephew by him living elsewhere.

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 23:01

Eustasiavye I think I'm a little bit scared, he left last year as I moaned about him something trivial - I considered it that I asked him not to do something (drinking milk from the bottle) as well as me trying to talk to him about needing a partner (apparently that's being controlling) I think I am the least controlling person I know. I just think it should be good manners not to do some things. Then I end up doubting myself - is that kind of thing controlling?

OP posts:

Original poster

maryann1978 · 05/02/2015 23:05

Oops I was meant to say I am a bit scared as I was in bits when he left me and I don't want to feel that upset again. Then I question what the hell would I miss? I think my heart is hardening and getting stronger as I never ever want DN to feel emotionally abandoned by him which if this relationship continues he will feel just as emotionally abandoned as me. I try to fill DNs time so he doesn't notice it as much.

OP posts:

GoooRooo · 05/02/2015 23:06

That is not controlling, OP. That is being a decent human being.

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