selfish DP

[maryann1978]

I'm new to this so please accept my apologies if I slip up.

I've been with my DP for almost 5 years I have a teenage DD from previous relationship and we are bringing up my nephew. He adores my nephew and wanted to be part of our lives. I wasn't desperate for a relationship, quite enjoyed being a single parent for 6 years previous to him. The problem is, he practically lives in his log cabin/shed. He's up at 5:30 am as he needs to get his head together before work (he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help) otherwise he will be angry all day! He doesn't come back in the house until 8 am. He makes his and and DN their lunch, DN has additional needs so it take ages to get him ready every morning whilst I'm also trying to get ready, having to chase him round the house to eat, get dressed etc. We both work full time, I don't finush until 5:30 and dont get home until 6:45 pm most nights, whereas he finishes at 5 and walks through the door at 5:30! He wont learn to drive so even if I have a day off I feel obligated to take him and he expects it. I cannot remember the last time I had a lay in! When he gets in he goes straight in the shed, as I said I get in at 6:45 I then make dinner, he eats it and goes back in the shed. I put DN to bed, was doing ALL chores in house but now I've started paying someone to do the cleaning otherwise I spend all day Saturday, juggling shopping, cleaning, lifts for teenage DD, parties for DN etc. He won't even reload the dishwasher unless I ask him which I can't even be bothered to do anymore. He hates TV, won't ever watch a film with me as he doesn't like my kind of films, I said okay we will watch what you want - still never happened. He doesnt agree with going out for dinner, waste of time and money when you can eat at home! Joke really as I pay most of the time anyway. Ive put up with him paying about the same amount as a lodger would as i earn more than him, but not that much more!

If I go out to do food shopping or hairdressers on a Saturday, he makes out he's hard done by as apparently I'm out all weekend!

He's refused to come on a family holiday in the summer! I paid and would have paid for him, he would just sit getting drunk all day as he hates the sun, can't relax and would be utterly miserable. I spend all weekend alone, unless I go to a friends with DN but I would prefer to be home with him. He never used to be this bad and I've been putting up with it for a long time now, hoping he will see sense. Should I just get rid? I just feel awful to DN as for some reason he adores my OH even though he's only emotionally available when it suits! Please don't be negative, I'm just struggling with what's best for all of us, I can put up with it but I know I deserve better, its just my DN, I can't stand the thought of breaking his heart.

How would your life be different if he wasn't there?

I'm not seeing a single thing that would be worse based on what you've written.

I'm going to try to get some inner strength over the next couple of weeks to do the right thing. Life would not be that much different. Although, I would have a massive shed to myself lol. I could shove a hot tub in it!! Bliss!

It sounds more like you have a Lodger living in the shed than an actual DP who has taken on the co-parenting of your DN .

I totally understand the need for some time alone every once in a while but this is just piss taking when there is a home to run & DCs to organise/look after.

You know how DN would (if he's a typical kid anyway) eat his weight in sweets, stay up late, run across the road...but you don't let him because it's not good for him? Well, this is the same. He might want 'DP', he might miss 'DP' but you are the adult, you know what's good for him and it sure as hell is not growing up in this screwed up situation.

You have a cocklodging, good for nothing, abusive, user living in your she'd. Get rid.

Pack his bags, put it all in the shed. Tell him to take what he needs and to text you when he can come back for the rest of it, in one go.

Tell him this is Not love.

OP, don't be one of those women that accepts a "relationship" with a man at any cost

No relationship is better than this. Get shut of him and all his expensive kit (whose money bought it, btw?) and make your shed into a chilled out play area for you and DN. Imagine that lovely space in the summer...a summer house sounds nice (without this leech in it).

That's the spirit op, you won't be losing a man child you'd be gaining a shed.

You are not controlling, that is his way of making you doubt yourself until you accept this version of reality.
You do not have to accept anything at all.

Of course he will try and turn things around to make out there isn't any fault with him, he doesn't want to change.

Keep thinking about the positive things and ask him to leave.
It doesn't have to be a final split.

Mala I don't think it is necessary to know that.

OP you CAN do this.
You will feel so much more relieved and confident when you have.
Of course it won't be easy and it will be painful at times, but the sooner you start the process the sooner you can start to heal and begin a new chapter for yourself.

It doesn't sound like the word 'partner' is anyway describes your relationship with this man.

It sounds like you and your children's lives would only be improved if he lived somewhere else, and was a famijy friend.

Is it your property that he moved into? Makes getting rid easy if so.