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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Previously cheated on, helping him trust again

30 replies

sinningsaint · 05/02/2015 20:58

Been with my new boyfriend for nearly 3 months now and so far it is going great apart from one thing, his inability to trust me. His past 2 relationships have both ended due to him being cheated on so it is understandable, but I thought by now things would have gradually started to improve but they haven't. Is there any way I can help him build trust in me? I trust him 100% and do genuinely believe him when he says he loves me but I'm worried his lack of trust will start to tear us apart if it carries on for much longer as i'm starting to dread going out without him and I don't want it to ruin my relationships with my friends. He is invited every time I go out but due to work commitments and low/no self esteem (that's for another thread) he never comes. So any tips on how to help him build his trust back up?

OP posts:

Stealthpolarbear · 05/02/2015 21:00

He's not your problem to fix

AlistairSim · 05/02/2015 21:02

You can't and shouldn't even try to 'build-up' his trust in you!
You haven't done anything to make him distrust you.
The problem is with him and he is the only one who can work on it.

AuntieStella · 05/02/2015 21:03

You are not his therapist.

It doesn't sound OK that, only 3 months in, and you're already having feelings of dread because of his jealousy.

Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 21:05

He needs counselling for his low esteem and his trust issues. It's wrong for him to project them onto you.

If he refuses to get help then I think you need to reconsider your relationship.

tribpot · 05/02/2015 21:06

How does his lack of trust manifest? What happens when you go out without him?

Is he seeking similar advice, how he can build up his trust? This sounds like the start of a dark road to me. You're already on edge trying to 'reassure' him for what's essentially his problem, his alleged insecurity.

Original poster

sinningsaint · 05/02/2015 21:15

Sorry I should have mentioned he is having counselling every fortnight and is very much trying to fix the problem himself, I was just wondering if there is any way I can help at all. He has never voiced having a problem with me going out without him, it is more that I know he will be worried whilst I am out and don't want to put him in that situation.

OP posts:

AmantesSuntAmentes · 05/02/2015 21:15

I was cheated on in my last two ltrs. I can't describe the extent of damage it has done to me, my core beliefs, my outlook and my self esteem. I'm beyond 'repair', in that nothing can help me rationalise and my faith in others is gone. I haven't entered another relationship and I won't, because of this. I suspect there is nothing you can do about how your dp feels - you could never do enough (iyswim?) and nor should you have to. The negative impact his fears are having upon you, is truly inexcusable. If your happiness and freedom has been affected just 3 months in, it will only get worse, not better. I'd advise leaving while you still can - I.e., while you are still aware this is wrong and before it becomes the norm, to you.

moonfacebaby · 05/02/2015 21:29

I have trust issues and as Amantes has said, it's really changed me as a person.

I do have a DP now - he has been patient with me. I haven't been difficult about it - I'm aware that it's my issue & I work on this with my counsellor & through other avenues.

The thing that helps me is reassurance from my DP. I don't push for it or ask for it - but him telling me he loves me & showing it with actions (he does my DIY jobs for me) helps. He's laid back, so that helps & I think he tries not to take anything personally.

It's hard work for me. Being cheated on by my exH really did knock me sideways. In ways I never imagined. I miss the old me enormously, but I'm hoping time will help me heal.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:17

I was just wondering if there is any way I can help at all

Go out a lot. Seriously. Go out a lot.

You are trustworthy. You like going out.

You say you know he will be worried whilst you are out and you don't want to put him in that situation BUT if you avoid putting him in that situation then he can avoid dealing with his problem, it also implies that you might be up to no good. Go out precisely because you need to put him in the situation so he has to learn to deal with it. If he can't then the relationship has no future.

Joysmum · 05/02/2015 23:29

I have issues and luckily my dh had been nothing patient, understanding, open, honest and reassuring.

He appreciates full well that my issues were not a reflection of him, merely borne of experience and perfectly understandable as I'd trusted before but been let down so couldn't trust my own judgement.

It's take yonks to feel more comfortable and even 20 years in I have the occasional wobble but they are now few and far between.

It's only natural that negativity takes a lot of time to overcome, and there's no rushing time.

If you can't understand any of that, like so many of those who have already posted don't, you're not worthy of him.

One note of caution though, no matter what my issues were, I did not try to control my dh. If your boyfriend is showing controlling behaviours rather than just being understandable concerned, my advice is don't continue with him. I personally don't believe that's fixable or worth the risk to try given you've not yet been together 3 months.

Original poster

sinningsaint · 06/02/2015 11:54

Thank you for those of you who have understood and given me hope that we can make this work as this is the strongest I have ever felt and in other ways the best relationship I have been in, so leaving him really doesn't seem to be an option to me. Joysmum he is not controlling in any way and does encourage me to go out without him ensuring me he will be ok but I just know he won't be

OP posts:

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 06/02/2015 12:22

encourage me to go out without him ensuring me he will be ok but I just know he won't be

He wants you to go out. He is in counselling so he knows it is his problem. That is good. Go out. Do like he says. Go out. The more he practises coping with you being out the better he will get. Go out lots. It is the kindest thing to do.

NickiFury · 06/02/2015 13:27

This is bullsh*t. I was cheated on prolifically in my marriage, think the worst cheating on story you've ever heard then double it. I do not make the men I have had relationships with since pay for it. The only time in a healthy relationship that there should ever be trust issues is when someone in THAT relationship is cheating or there are obvious signs that something could be happening. Anyone who started bleating to me about trust issues because of previous experiences would be dumped pronto. Do not indulge it OP.

MyRightFoot · 06/02/2015 13:36

you say he doesnt protest when you go out but you 'know' he has concerns. how do you know? what signs is he giving you? do you know for sure he was cheated on? maybe he thought they cheated because he is insecure. my red flags are that its only been three months and he says he loves you, he has trust issues and is seeing a counsellor. my red flags are he maybe an abuser. and abusers always demonise their ex-gfs. i hope im wrong but do try to do a bit of investigating into his past.

Original poster

sinningsaint · 06/02/2015 15:20

We have a mutual friend and after he had been cheated on the second time she had told me about how he was struggling (there were other family issues at the time) so I know for a fact it is true.

OP posts:

brightreddress · 06/02/2015 15:27

My husband was a bit like this when we first got together. I kind of understood why, but it was tough. Things have changed, and now we're in the middle of an LTR and he is happy / normal. Also he'll find that there will be other problems in the relationship, not the ones he's expecting! I think, in relation to what Nicki says, it's often men who have been damaged by abusive partners, or who have been quite disrespected in a relationship, who act like your DH, rather than those who have been straightforwardly cheated on.

brightreddress · 06/02/2015 15:28

You DP, sorry OP! It's hard as I was from a very different social paradigm to my DH and did have quite a free flowing circle of friends, many of whom had casually slept together. I could see how this would be difficult to accept for someone with more boundaried friendships.

Joysmum · 06/02/2015 15:55

The other thing I would say is that you must go out. How can he practice his trust for you if you don't give him opportunity to?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2015 16:17

I'm sorry OP but I think you're being lured in with the 'sparrow with the broken wing' strategy. It's very romantic, not to say flattering, for someone to tell you that they are very damaged and that you are the only one who can save them. However, it's also the oldest trick in the manipulative person's book to make excuses for their behaviour at the same time as making others feel responsible for their mental health and their happiness. If he can't trust people he shouldn't be in a relationship until he has completed his therapy. It isn't far on you.

sanfairyanne · 06/02/2015 16:27

everything Cogito says

hamptoncourt · 06/02/2015 16:27

encourage me to go out without him ensuring me he will be ok but I just know he won't be

Well either this is all in your head then or he is somehow making it clear to you that he will be unhappy if you go out.

He sounds incredibly needy and I agree with PP that he should probably wait until he is on the other side of his therapy before he embarks on another relationship.

FryOneFatManic · 06/02/2015 20:00

leaving him really doesn't seem to be an option to me

OP, you are only 3 months in. The option IS there, you are not tied to him in any way. Yes, it might hurt a bit, but I suggest you don't tie yourself to him just yet.

I know he will be worried whilst I am out

If he hasn't explicitly voiced concerns, then he's obviously giving out some signals strong enough for you to pick up on, and you feel you don't want to put him in that position. So if you stick around, you'll feel obliged to not go out, so effectively making his problem yours. It's not.

I do think you should find someone without these issues.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/02/2015 20:05

Hes saying go out, go out, because if he will never build security when away from you.

Not going out and being worried about going out, is probably doing him more harm than good.

Joysmum · 07/02/2015 20:53

Cog the OP has said he's never said anything to her and encouraged her to got out. It seems her misgivings are due to a conversation with a mutual friend.

It's only natural for anyone ones been cheated on to have concerns, it's only if these concerns turn into controlling behaviour that there's a problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2015 07:55

He may have never said anything and he may not be explicitly controlling but, nevertheless, the OP is not acting like someone who is enjoying the early days of a new, exciting relationship. Instead she's asking for advice on a website using words like 'worried' and 'dread', thinking twice about going out because of the reaction, taking on the responsibility for his mental state. Her relationship with her friends is in jeopardy. Whether it's self-inflicted or not, it just doesn't sound healthy or happy.

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