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Original poster

He asks me 'Why do you love me?'

50 replies

ScandiS · 05/02/2015 17:23

My OH and I have been together for 8.5 years and have two beautiful DD's. Relationship started out amazing, never been so in love or been so 'connected' with someone (and I have had other long term relationships in the past). Of course reality creeps in, but despite going through some seriously rocky phases I totally and utterly adore him Although not necessarily the way he treats me at times. So, we have hit rock bottom (no infidelity or abuse) and must 'reboot' or it will all end. It would break my heart. Much heavy talking going on and he wants us to write letters to each other where we tell everything that we think is wrong. 'Because unless we change that we cannot look to the future' type of thing. The other night when I told him I love him so much he asks me why? How do you motivate 'why'?
Anyway, just writing this as otherwise I will start bawling my eyes out at my desk at work.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 05/02/2015 18:12

Why have you hit rock bottom? I find it strange that he wants to know why you love him as it's hard to put things like love down on paper. It's more how you treat each other that shows your love right?

thisisnow · 05/02/2015 18:14

Sorry I misread your post. Writing down what you both think is wrong might be a good start?

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 18:33

Thisisnow It is his opinion that we have hit rock bottom/are broken. We went to Relate a couple of years ago as we were fighting loads. Things improved greatly, for a while... Then things started to slide again and when I reminded him of the techniques we learned he was just arrogant about it all. I have pointed out repeatedly that we need to work on things continuously and not take things for granted. He wants closeness and being connected but does nothing to enable it. Very frustrating and upsetting.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 05/02/2015 18:38

What is your opinion?

thisisnow · 05/02/2015 18:57

Closeness in what sense and being connected in what sense? Sorry for all the questions just trying to understand what he wants from you exactly. He sounds very deep Confused You must be very confused because to an outsider it is sounding confusing!

Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 19:13

What are you arguing about?

Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 19:13

Same topic or random

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 21:02

Quite likely, We are not really arguing per se. It's more that 'we are not having fun' (his words). When we met I was of the bubbly vivacious kind. Very smiley. Now I feel like I am walking on egg shells a lot of the time. And I'm very self conscious about being chatty as he has said that my conversation doesn't engage him..? Thisisnow, I am very confused indeed. I really do not understand what it is he wants from me. Well, I do...I should be happy, smiley, easy going and 'fun'. I hate that word now. And I should be all these things it respectively of him being less affectionate, moody, short tempered and putting his own hobbies before family life.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 05/02/2015 21:11

What are his hobbies? Does he spend a lot of time doing his own thing then? You don't engage him enough? That's a bit harsh in my opinion. I'm certain a lot of people don't have fully blown in depth discussions of an evening as most people are too knackered from work! Does he make you happy still? Sounds like your a bit clouded at the moment and he sounds very intense!

Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 21:17

Wow he's obviously given you some sort of character assassination there.

No wonder you're walking on egg shells. The sad thing is he should be accepting you for who you are now. In the beginning it is all fun and giggles but life gets in the way and we grow up!

I think he is asking for the impossible. He shouldn't be moving the goal posts.

He should be looking at what he can do to improve his life, not blaming you!

Sickoffrozen · 05/02/2015 21:18

You told him you love him so much...but it sounds like at the moment he is making you unhappy so why not tell him the truth. Are you scared of where it might lead?

To an outsider he sounds like a pain in the arse and a moody one at that.

Does he have any of the qualities he had when you fell in love?

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 21:56

'Character assassination' I like that expression Quitelikely Smile.

Sickoffrozen; yes he still has the same qualities but unfortunately he is not displaying them as much, which of course is due to us 'not being close and having fun' Hmm

Regarding his hobby/sport. He is doing archery. It started as something that was half a day on the weekend. Has evolved in to (and trust me I looked back at the last two years family calendars) one full day, sometimes both Sat and Sun every 4 out of 5 or 3 out of 4 weekends. He cut back a couple of months ago as we have been doing diy stuff in the house. Even his parents think that he is selfish about it. But no, it's lil'ol'me who is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 05/02/2015 22:06

Scandi, it sounds to me like he wants the moon on a fucking plate! What do you want? How do you feel in the relationship? Does he tell you what he loves about you? Or does he just tell you about your shortcomings? I think writing to eachother is a good idea, but it has to be honest, rather than just an who boost for him which is what it sounds like he wants. Maybe I've got this wrong, but that's how it seems to me as an outsider.

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 05/02/2015 22:06

Ego boost* that should say.

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 22:15

Foulsome.... 'Moon on a plate' Yes! Exactly. Everyone around (clearly you ladies are getting a somewhat biased insight seeing as I'm the one telling the story) can see that he is unrealistic and I personally think rather naive (for his eh..advanced years..he is 47) I just wish he would bloody well open up his eyes and realise that!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 22:17

And no he is not telling me what he loves about me, but says he loves me.
Although the other night he was saying how maybe he remembers the way I used to be (pre kids) in an idyllic light and not the 'real me'

OP posts:
FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 05/02/2015 22:44

That's a very unkind thing to say to you. He thinks it's acceptable to tell you you're no fun, and perhaps never were (his comment about remembering you in an idyllic light), yet when you tell him you love him it's not enough and needs expanding on? He should treat you how he expects to be treated himself.

dalekanium · 05/02/2015 22:51

Sounds a bit of a self absorbed dick to me....

Linguini · 05/02/2015 23:03

To tell someone that their conversation does not engage is really harsh. It's almost saying "You're a bit thick".
He sounds like he thinks he is a lot better than you.
If this reflects his overall attitude, no wonder your confidence is shattered and you aren't as 'bubbly'.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:04

I am very confused indeed. I really do not understand what it is he wants from me. Well, I do...I should be happy, smiley, easy going and 'fun'. I hate that word now. And I should be all these things it respectively of him being less affectionate, moody, short tempered and putting his own hobbies before family life.

Um, so, he is demanding you pretend everything is awesome while he behaves more and more like a selfish tit. And he now wants you to write each other letters explaining what is wrong.

Are you expecting him to make any changes based upon what you put in your letter? Or will your letter be like water off a ducks back? While you agonise over his character assassination of you.

In what way is he short-tempered and moody?

MessyHair9 · 05/02/2015 23:09

i wouldn't be racking your brains trying to tell him why you love him. He sounds critical of you, and patronising telling you that your conversation doesn't engage him! You are understandably on edge now, having been told that your conversation isn't up to scrap.

id give him a jolt. I'd tell him in the letter that he's right, it's not fun walking on eggshells and it's not FAIR being made feel responsible for the pair of you not having 'fun'. He's presenting you with a list of your flaws and yet fishing for compliments. Tell me why you love me. I'd tell him that you did love him when he was loving towards you but that that was a while ago now. Tell him he loved you when he found you interesting and engaging but now you find him critical and a blamer.

He sounds like he's making you interview for your job. that kind of scrutiny never makes me perform well!!

MadeMan · 05/02/2015 23:09

Why does he want you both to start writing letters to each other focusing only on the negative stuff? Why not write about the good things you have instead?

CocktailQueen · 05/02/2015 23:09

God, he sounds like a selfish twat. What time do you spend together as a family? Wht do you get to do by yourself? I cannot imagine dh spending all that time on his hobby - he just wouldn't think of it.

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 05/02/2015 23:13

I completely agree with MessyHair

Nextwednesday · 05/02/2015 23:15

I can't see any point in focusing on what is going wrong in the relationship. You have had counselling; the starting point is why you fell for each other, what you like/admire about each other, not the negative stuff. And writing it down sounds so heavy. What is he playing at? Does he just want out?