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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He asks me 'Why do you love me?'

50 replies

ScandiS · 05/02/2015 17:23

My OH and I have been together for 8.5 years and have two beautiful DD's. Relationship started out amazing, never been so in love or been so 'connected' with someone (and I have had other long term relationships in the past). Of course reality creeps in, but despite going through some seriously rocky phases I totally and utterly adore him Although not necessarily the way he treats me at times. So, we have hit rock bottom (no infidelity or abuse) and must 'reboot' or it will all end. It would break my heart. Much heavy talking going on and he wants us to write letters to each other where we tell everything that we think is wrong. 'Because unless we change that we cannot look to the future' type of thing. The other night when I told him I love him so much he asks me why? How do you motivate 'why'?
Anyway, just writing this as otherwise I will start bawling my eyes out at my desk at work.

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:20

despite going through some seriously rocky phases I totally and utterly adore him

What's a seriously rocky phase for you?

Glastokitty · 05/02/2015 23:24

He sounds utterly exhausting and a massive pain in the arse. He certainly doesn't sound much 'fun'. If my husband went on like this I'd be Hmm. Tell him to knob off, seriously, life is too short for all this. Its not meant to be this much hard work.

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 23:37

Thanks so much ladies. Yes he is a selfish twat.
He is moody and does not have a lot of patience. If I give more than a yes or no answer he zones out at times.
Family time is a day out on the weekends (not every). And then it is something which I suggest.
I work PT so can go to the gym the two days I am at home. My OH justifies his weekend sport on the fact that he is working long hours during the week. Fine of course I agree he should have some time but not SO much?!
On the critical side of thing apparently the way I am interacting with our DDs is not quite right either ....there is too much stress in the morning. School days, sorting breakfast and trying to convince a shouty four year old to get dressed in her school uniform. Yes, sorry, at times I loose my patience.
But also I am not having enough 'fun' Hmm with them. His way is throwing them up in the air and being very silly. Not me or my style. I go swimming with them, we bake, paint nails and skip to school.

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:44

He can get DDs ready on school days, sort breakfast and get them dressed without EVER losing his patience? Wow. How does he do that? Especially impressive from a short-tempered and moody man. Why do you ever bother doing it. Leave it to the expert. Oh, wait, hang on a minute, he doesn't ever do it, does he? Arm-chair general?

Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 23:46

I'm trying to write this fking letter and am really miffed. I've written him numerous letters through the years trying to reach out.
Rocky Phases being him nearly dying when DD 1 was 3 months old. Then follow on illnesses that kept him off work for near. I think the stress and strain of that and having two kids very quickly just knocked us both over. The stress a d sleep deprivation turned us both snappy and short tempered. We both speak before we think.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScandiS · 05/02/2015 23:47

AHat... Armchair General..I love it.

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:59

Here's a letter: "Be kind. Be affectionate. Be fun. Do not be moody. Do not be short-tempered. Treat me with respect. Listen when I talk. Spend time with me. I will do the same for you."

That's all you need to write.

Original poster
ScandiS · 06/02/2015 01:02

Thank you AHatAHat... That's fab :-)

OP posts:
Sophrosyne · 06/02/2015 06:59

He sounds like you have fulfilled your role in his life and he is thinking of moving on. He is painting you as the entire reason for the relationship breakdown.

If you are constantly trying to make it work, trying to make him see his role in the deterioration of the relationship and not just your own, then he is just looking for excuses to place blame elsewhere.

It takes two to make a relationship work. Not one person trying to convince the other.

Best piece of advice I ever got from MN, listen to him when he tells you what he thinks of the relationship, and not what you want or hope to hear

MessyHair9 · 06/02/2015 07:00

Do that yes. Write that.

Otherwisw u are jumping thru his hoops. He sounds hard work

HotLipsHoulihan · 06/02/2015 07:07

God he sounds awfully hard work. I think I'd be tempted to just put ' OH FUCK OFF ' in the letter tbh

LumpySpacedPrincess · 06/02/2015 07:35

Put the letter down and move away from it, right now. For heavens sake you are a grown woman and he is supposed to be a grown man. You say he is not abusive yet he undermines you all the time.

The whole situation sounds exhausting. He liked the old you, which he isn't sure existed anyway but he isn't keen on the new you, right? How about presenting him with a Whole New You! Someone who doesn't write angsty letters because she is not Molly Ringwold in a bad eighties movie. Tell him to shape up or fuck off, and to take his bow and arrow with him.

Original poster
ScandiS · 06/02/2015 08:02

Thank you so much ladies Flowers I really appreciate all your words.
And everyone seems to have the same opinion...
I was up past 2 am with that blimming letter.
I just want to find the right words to say to him that he is a selfish twat and take responsibility for your own part in the drama you arsehole. But maybe not in those very words ...

OP posts:
AltheaVestrit · 06/02/2015 08:13

I think you should use those words, or something like them. Or Ahat's short and sweet but very succinct message above. I don't think you should be using kid gloves with your 'D'P. The more you write, the more abusive and entitled he comes across. You should not be walking on eggshells, ever.

Original poster
ScandiS · 06/02/2015 08:48

I hear you on the eggshells Althea. For being a very intelligent man he is very very dumb. He expects perfection but does nothing to enable closeness and just want it all for free. No deposits in love bank.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 08:54

How about
'You are a selfish man, and need to take responsibility for your own part in the drama. And you need to step up to the role of parent. If you are not happy, please feel free to fuck out the door'.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 06/02/2015 09:59

If he is intelligent then he isn't dumb.

You said you've told him lots of times, lots of letters, but he doesn't do anything different, so he must be getting something out of it.

Let's see, he does exactly what he wants even saying cruel things when he wants, while you run around trying to improve yourself to make him happy. Sounds like standard spoilt brat of a man to me.

GoatsDoRoam · 06/02/2015 10:12

Oh god. Intense relationships with the self-absorbed. They are addictive, consume all your energy and joy, and are ultimately shit: there's not much time for mutual support and self-fulfilment, when you're constantly in a state of heightened emotion, and having to judge and justify whether everyone's needs are being met.

Just no.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/02/2015 14:20

You have evolved. He has not...or at least does not like the fact that you have. Of course your relationship has changed; it evolves too! You are parents now...things are not going to be the same.

I am rather cynical so ignore, but has he met another woman with the archery? The whole "but why do you love me" stinks of his making a comparison...
You may be doing the "pick me" dance and not even know it.

The letters make me cringe, sorry. I can see having a few points outlined for a formal conversation on topic, but you should speak in person, in the moment, rather than being reduced to a two dimensional piece of paper.
What do his letters to you say?
What does he do with your letters? Does he use stuff in your letters against you at a later time? Are they just for his entertainment? Has he created the dynamic where he is the professor and you are the student suffering angst for a passing grade- making you his subordinate?

From what you have written, maybe so much time at archery would seen as a relief.

MessyHair9 · 06/02/2015 14:31

lol at lumpy, yeh, say "good luck with catness everdeen!" as he leaves.

MessyHair9 · 06/02/2015 14:33

ps, agree wtih bandplayedon, I think there's a girl with a bow and arrow behind this 'tell me why you love me' shennanigans.

he wants to be able to pick wholes in your love. question it, make it worthless, and compare it to the pure, real love Hmm of some woman who hardly knows him.

MessyHair9 · 06/02/2015 14:35

ps

He's not dumb, and it's not that he doesn't get it. he gets it, believe it.

It's that he is determined to hold on to privilege and if playing dumb allows that then he'll play 'dumb'.

he says he's not having enough fun which will make you hesitate to ask him to do half of the mundane stuff. I bet you do 90% of the childcare and house work and yet he's the one not having enough fun. You think he wants to change that?!

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2015 15:21

I don't think you should be using kid gloves with your 'D'P. The more you write, the more abusive and entitled he comes across. You should not be walking on eggshells, ever.

THIS ^^^^^ absolutely.

And you wrote this in your OP.
Although not necessarily the way he treats me at times

I think he's abusive and you've had so many years of it you just don't see it!

Romeyroo · 06/02/2015 19:35

Not read all the responses, but from the title and OP; my XH used to ask me 5-6 times a day if I still loved him, and yes, sometimes, why.

The marriage was abusive. He was a controlling, self-centred narcissist.

Anything you write in the letter, he will have an answer for, and you are, in good faith, simply providing material for him to undermine him.

There is nothing positive that can come out of a list of what is wrong. The premise is so negative, it is horrible.

Romeyroo · 06/02/2015 19:36

For him to undermine YOU, I mean

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