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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex, do they change ?

26 replies

Allinuse · 05/02/2015 08:04

Is it possible for a man who was mostly horrible to you throughout your relationship to meet someone else, fall madly in love, get engaged and married to them within a year and a half, and it be genuine and happy?

By horrible I mean emotionally, financially and sexually abusive and controlling. Looking back he was all these things and though I felt unhappy in between the highs when I was with him, I couldn't see the full picture of what he was. He also stole money from me and I believe he finally stole my wedding ring and engagement ring from my ex husband which I was going to give to my daughter. So all in all nasty and a user

He always rammed home the point that it was all me that caused the problems and so when I discover this latest bit of news I do have a momentary doubt that he was right. Ridiculous really as I am now in a very happy relationship with someone who values me. Do these people change or did I cause him to be the person he was when he was with me?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/02/2015 08:14

No, I don't believe so. Not unless he has some kind of revelation and has had a LOT of psychiatric treatment for it. Undoubtedly his new partner is as unhappy as you were (or will be once he switches the charm off and shows his true colours.)

Perfectlypurple · 05/02/2015 08:14

It was not you that caused him to be an abusive arse. He may be happy but I doubt his new partner is. He is extremely likely to be the same with her, if not now the being nice won't last and he will do the same to her as he did to you.

I am glad you have a decent partner now. Hold on to that and just think about how you deserve your decent partner. You didn't derserve your ex.

Nolim · 05/02/2015 08:17

Unless he gets profesional help no.

Original poster
Allinuse · 05/02/2015 08:24

Thank you, I think deep down I knew this but looking at then at face value it does make you wonder. She's forever singing his praises via social media. He's been married twice before so this will be his third marriage

Looking back I can't believe I tolerated the things I did. He had no respect for me whatsoever and I do wonder if it's different with her because he respects her.

My current BF never disrespects me and thank god we have a good relationship

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2015 09:30

What on earth could you have done to the poor man to turn him into an emotional, financial and sexual bully and a thief, when he wasn't like it already? No, seriously, what could you have done? Because I can't think how you would have managed it, let alone why you might want to.

Presumably he was nice when you met him or you wouldn't have had a relationship with him in the first place. So he does know how to make himself agreeable, and no doubt is doing so right now to his current victim. Pity her.

Original poster
Allinuse · 05/02/2015 09:45

I do pity her very much and she going to MARRY him so it's even worse. When I have my logical head on I imagine that once he has her exactly where he wants her he will begin the abuse. It's just the after effects of abuse are far reaching and I sometimes still doubt myself

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 09:49

Oh god, I hope this isn't true. My abusive Ex is now dating a much younger, very naive girl. I think he chose her as she is much easier to manipulate and more conformist to his views than I ever was.

Secretly though I am hoping he has changed and although it would be really hard to see, that it was just me who brought out that side of him.

If he does what he did to me to her, I'll kill him!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 09:49

Fundamentally though, I don't think they do change.

Original poster
Allinuse · 05/02/2015 09:53

Hmmm in my case though it seems his two wives before me that also brought out that side of him

OP posts:
bobs123 · 05/02/2015 09:55

No they don't change - just get more manipulative and sneaky about it. Just give it time.....

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 09:56

Funny, that, isn't it All Im wondering if my Ex will also use that excuse. Although his current GF is worlds away from the person I am, so if he does that will be compounding evidence that he is the twunt, not me.

dalmatianmad · 05/02/2015 10:00

I left my ex after 18 years of physical and emotional abuse , he is now in a relationship with the most stunning girl who is half his age and they're getting married and are trying for a baby Confused I often wonder how he's managed to turn it all around but it's early days and I can't imagine he will stay this "nice" for too much longer+

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 10:04

Thats the thing dal, my Ex was incredibly charming at first, perfect gentleman. Then he progressively got more and more abusive until we get to the point we are at today. His new relationship is just that, new, so I guess it will be another few months until the cracks start to show. Although maybe he finally grew up Hmm

Lottapianos · 05/02/2015 10:06

'She's forever singing his praises via social media'

They say that an indicator of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on social media! I know a few people who are forever banging on on Facebook about their amazing husband/wife/partner. It makes me think there must be something weird about the relationship that they are covering up. If a relationship is genuinely healthy and happy, surely you just get on with it rather than making announcements about it all the time!

And that's what they all say OP - its your fault, you do this to me, you drove me to it, if you weren't so XYZ I wouldn't have to do this. Its part of the script. Its utter nonsense. None of this is your fault - it was his choice to behave the way he did. I'm so glad you got away from him and are happy now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 10:11

Spot on Lotta. Whenever my sister is having relationship problems, loads of pics of her and her BF appear on FB.

Auburnsparkle · 05/02/2015 10:26

If it helps the new partner of my abusive ex sings his praises from the rooftops too, and blames me for his abuse, etc.

I would take what his new GF is saying with a very hefty pinch of salt. Like the lady does protest too much. I don't think an abusive man will change, he will just move on to his next victim. The best thing you can do is block them everywhere on social media, and stop looking. I know it is tempting, but just think about yourself now. And thank your lucky stars you're not with him anymore. And agree with others - don't believe the hype......

Original poster
Allinuse · 05/02/2015 10:30

Thank you all and I too am so glad I escaped. I've been with my current BF a year now and he's so different, it has taken a while to quite believe it though and even now I have wobbly moments but all his reactions are so different.

I do feel very sorry for this woman and her poor children as I do for his previous wife, who incidentally I did meet and she seemed fine

OP posts:
bobs123 · 05/02/2015 11:26

You are lucky Allinuse you can move on now. However I understand that you want his new relationship to fail so that you can say to yourself - "it was all his fault - it wasn't me"

I had 21 years of shit from stbx and I always told him that he might understand what he's like more when his next relationship fails...and the one after that. The trouble is that EAs are incredible insidious and manipulative and it can take literally years to show itself/for the OW to understand what is happening. Unfortunately, as in my case, the fallout by that time can be incredibly damaging if there are DC involved.

However he is not your problem/responsibilty anymore Smile

Joysmum · 05/02/2015 11:33

That's not always the case about FB and it bugs me that this is often circulated.

I only post about DH when things are good, when they aren't I don't post.

So it's a case of if you can't say anything nice say nothing at all, I don't think I'm unusual in that.

My thoughts are to see when the posts stop or are less frequent showing he's not in his nice phase.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 11:33

This is what worries me bobs, my Ex introduced my DD to his GF after about a week. She now stays over at his where him, GF and DD are all sharing a room Hmm This is after 2months together! New GF also has a pic of Ex, her and my DD as her profile pic on fb. I said it made me uncomfortable, so now she's blocked me so I can't see if she is posting pics of my child online Angry

Auburnsparkle · 05/02/2015 11:38

puds - you can set up another secret FB profile to check up on her - but I dunno if that is just torturing yourself by looking at what she posts. Her having your DD as her profile pic is just wrong on so many levels.

Lottapianos · 05/02/2015 11:39

Joysmum, its not that relationships should never ever be mentioned on pain of death on FB. However, the example I'm thinking of is someone who posts almost daily about her husband - stuff like 'just got home from a long day at work and DH has cooked dinner and put DD to bed. I am the luckiest woman in the world! My hero!' It just seems ridiculously over the top and makes me think that there's something she's in denial about, or she's ridiculously pleased with herself that she has a partner at all.

GoatsDoRoam · 05/02/2015 11:52

I often wonder the same thing as your OP.

Specifically, I wonder: "If his new partner stands up to him, for every little thing, right from the start, would he be less of an arse with her than he was with me? Or would he dump her for being too contrary?"

I wonder if I had been more assertive, would it have kept his abuse in check, and will another woman be more successful at it...

But then I remember that I did stand up to him when his abuse and control took place, and that he would talk me down or shout me down or use any of his tactics to show me that he wasn't having any of my assertiveness.

So I don't think they change with new partners, no. All I can do therefore is hope that any new partner will have the wherewithal to leave him, before too much damage is done.

bobs123 · 05/02/2015 11:59

puds I should just stay aware. If she suffers any EA from her dad she will probably not realise it herself but it could make her quieter/more withdrawn.

Can she post pics of a minor online? don'y know myself but might be worth checking out

Luckily my DC are old enough to decide for themselves and choose to have nothing to do with their "dad"

iloverunning36 · 05/02/2015 14:05

Madly in love and getting married that quickly are both warning flags. My stbxh's other child's mother and I are opposite in every way. Mainly she is strong and I am quite a pushover but he abused us both and even said some of the same stuff to us! She lasted longer than I did but she didn't use mumsnet.