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Original poster

How not to give in when he's nice

39 replies

breakingthebank · 04/02/2015 22:41

I told my dh tonight that he is a bully and an abuser (not the first time I've told him this because I've said I want him to leave but he refuses). He says he is the not the monster I say he is and I am the abuser & I've never loved him. We have been married for 12 years and have 3dcs.

I have put up with so much from him over the years, when dc1 was born 11 years ago he was very verbally abusive and physically abusive a couple of times. Social occasions have been frequently ruined by his drinking followed by pissing in the bedroom. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and the night I got home from hospital he went out drinking with his mate. When I was pg last year dc2 was ill and I was up with her from 3am. At 8am I asked dh to get up so I could go back to bed and he refused, finally getting up at 11am.

Now we have dc3 and dh refuses to get up with baby to feed him, I get up every day so never get a lie in despite working full time. When dc3 was 2 weeks old dh was looking for a jumper for work. I said it was probably in the washing pile and he huffed and puffed before saying "I've watched that washing pile up there" in an accusatory manner! I made him some sandwiches for work and he accused me of taking too long. He criticises my appearance, I never get to watch TV programmes I like because he hogs the remote and controls what's on. Everything has to be on his terms.

Despite this (and there is much more) I know he'll be nice tomorrow and I'll lose my resolve. I want to leave but it will be such a battle and I'll have to uproot 3 dcs.

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Justmuddlingalong · 04/02/2015 22:45

Your life now seems like a battle. I can't for one minute imagine you leaving him would be in any way a bigger battle.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2015 22:48

You just have to do it. And then cut contact. Talk only about the DC and refuse to engage with anything else.

Make a list of all the bad things, and look at it when you feel yourself slipping.

Remind yourself that he is not being nice just because that's who he is - that him being nice is actually a manipulation tactic, which means it's actually not nice at all. If he bought you a bunch of supermarket flowers, would you feel pleased and grateful or cheap and like he is trying to "buy" your forgiveness? The "nice" act is a bit like those cheap flowers.

Read some of the positive threads about happy marriages - you don't realise until you're out, but an abuser's "nice" is barely most people's "normal", or it's so false that it's jarring, like a sickeningly sweet perfume layered over something rotting. There are lots and lots of little, ordinary, unnoticeable things that you probably aren't aware that are missing from this relationship. His "nice" is not good enough.

Hope you're OK :)

BertieBotts · 04/02/2015 22:49

You just have to do it. And then cut contact. Talk only about the DC and refuse to engage with anything else.

Make a list of all the bad things, and look at it when you feel yourself slipping.

Hope you're OK :)

BertieBotts · 04/02/2015 22:49

Oops sorry!

Original poster

breakingthebank · 04/02/2015 22:50

It really is a battle, you're right. Before I realised he was the problem, I used to blame myself for my unhappiness and I just couldn't understand why it felt like I was in a battle of wills.

So for example, if I did an act of kindness such as making him breakfast one day this would never be reciprocated. Instead it would become an expectation that I made him breakfast every day! So any acts of kindness ceased.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 22:50

If you tend to cave, you need to ask others to help you stay strong for a change. Never mind that he doesn't help with the baby, he's violent, aggressive and abusive. You don't deserve that treatment and your children certainly don't deserve to grow up in fear.

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. The police DV unit is on 101. Get friends, families, agencies, Social Services..... everyone behind you. Then you and your DCs might survive

Original poster

breakingthebank · 04/02/2015 22:53

That's true Bertie. What I'm describing as nice would probably just be civil to others! So he will probably get up with baby and he will make an effort to talk to me about my day.

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Justmuddlingalong · 04/02/2015 22:53

So if you left him, everything would be up in the air for a while, but would settle and you would be happy.
But if you stay nothing will get any better.

Original poster

breakingthebank · 04/02/2015 22:57

But I suppose I just doubt my judgment Cogito and I feel like I'm being a drama queen. He hasn't been physically violent for 9/10 years. That was also when he was really verbally abusive so I would dread the sound of the key in the lock as I'd be called every name under the sun. But that was years ago so I'm really dragging up old issues there.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 23:10

It's not an old issue at all. The reason you don't challenge him about all the other bad behaviour will be because you remember the violence and the aggression and you don't want to get him riled up. You don't have to keep kicking a dog once it's learned how to be obedient.

Original poster

breakingthebank · 04/02/2015 23:15

I think that's right to some extent. I let a lot of things go that I'm unhappy about because it will turn into an argument and I can't face the conflict.

Plus I've tried to explain that even though he might only drink 1 or 2 pints now when he goes out, social occasions are still ruined for me because I will never forget that sense of dread I used to feel and I still get that feeling every time he says he's going out.

I have truly had enough of him though. I don't want to model this relationship to my dcs. He can't pay mortgage on his own but won't leave so I'll have to rent somewhere with the kids. Couldn't face going through divorce proceedings while still living together.

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Original poster

breakingthebank · 05/02/2015 06:52

*I've tried to explain to him

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Meerka · 05/02/2015 07:51

How to not cave in to the nice stuff?

You begin to manage that when you realise that you've lost trust. That you don't trust him to stay nice; when you're waiting for the next outburst when you say or do something he doesn't like. You can't be yourself.

Niceness doesn't mean anything when it's only in the good times and not in the bad.

Quitelikely · 05/02/2015 08:48

I'm so pleased that you have realised what a nasty person he is.

It's no surprise you mention about his niceness. Can't you see that once abusive men realise that they may of overstepped the mark or that their DW is pulling away they then act nicely for a day or two to reel her back in.

The woman falls for it because that is the part of her dh that she likes and craves. But it's a permanent cycle and the nice guy comes out less and less.

He obviously contributes absolutely nothing to your life, he is lazy, doesn't respect you and he is setting a terrible example to your dc about how to behave as a father and husband.

The idea about looking for alternative accommodation is a good one. Even having a peek on right move, seeing what extra benefits you can get stuff like that.

Plan ahead and don't wobble. You are doing the right thing.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2015 09:05

Thing is, if he can demonstrate nice behaviour, it proves that he knows how to be nice - he just chooses not to be.

So, while you're working full time and doing all the childcare and making his lunch and being expected to be on top of the washing, what's the other half of this supposed partnership doing? Watching the washing pile up, wtf? Watching it, knowing it needs to be done, knowing it includes stuff he will need, yet not even thinking of putting a load on himself? He watched you taking too long making his sandwiches for work? Does he have arms?

It would make sense for you to pick up the bulk of the household chores if he were working full time and you were SAHM (although if he's got time to watch you doing stuff and energy to criticise he's got time and energy to muck in and do it himself, surely?). But that isn't the case. You're doing everything he's doing plus everything he can't be arsed to do whilst Lord Muck strolls around with his hands in his pockets calling you lazy!

And then when you've reached the end of your tether he winds in a bit and makes like nice until you relax. Then it's back to Square One.

Jan45 · 05/02/2015 12:15

Emotional abuse can be worse than physical, look, he's not going to change, not going to make you happy, he verges on hating you - is it not time to call it a day, you and your kids will be lot happier.

BertieBotts · 05/02/2015 13:45

Also - when you are used to abusive behaviour you tend to be oversensitive to anything non abusive and interpret it as nice. So similar to how I said "nice" for him is "barely normal" for others, your threshold for what "nice" is is probably very very low. Your example - getting up with the baby and making an effort to talk to you isn't nice. It's not nice that he has to make an effort to be interested in you and talk to you - he should look forward to hearing about your day and be genuinely interested because he cares about you. The fact he has to "make an effort" speaks volumes.

I know because when I was in an abusive relationship if I ever read or heard about (what I now think of as) healthy or normal relationships, I'd be so astounded that I would think people were exaggerating or deluded or that it was all made up.

Isetan · 05/02/2015 13:52

How not to give in when he's nice?

When he temporarily behaves in a manner that doesn't leave you feeling worthless, purely to get you to STFU, thats not being nice, thats being manipulative.

This is who he is, its time to stop putting in the pound coins in the hope of a payout.

Original poster

breakingthebank · 05/02/2015 18:08

Thank you all. I've felt positive today because I know I'm going to leave him. I want to be free to be myself without a merchant of doom standing over me telling me I'm not good enough!

I've spent quite a long time over the last few months looking on Rightmove and checking benefits entitlements, dreaming of living with dcs without him.

Today I've actually identified a house up for rent that I'd like to view so I've rung estate agents and asked to view it. I spoke to a friend at work about it too, she has a similar dh and has put up with it for 35 years so she understands.

Can't tell him yet though, don't want him to make me feel guilty and unreasonable.

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GelfBride · 05/02/2015 18:30

Sounds like you are seeing the light Breaking. Good for you. You will get an immense amount of support on here if you post as you go along. A common thing said on MN is that abusers ARE nice some of the time, otherwise no one would ever be with them and they wouldn't hook anyone in. Fantasising about being away from him is your gut feeling telling you what you need to do for your own best interests. Follow that and you won't go far wrong. Just keep listening to you inner voice (and MN) and although the road ahead may be a bit bumpy, it will be so worth it to not have the High Priest Of Doom bringing down your every happy moment! Many of us have been where you are and have good and sage advice on how to make it all that little bit easier. He sounds like a charm free knobber!

DeliciousMonster · 05/02/2015 18:43

Can't tell him yet though, don't want him to make me feel guilty and unreasonable.

No, don't tell him yet! He will put a charm offensive on.

He has you well trained, you need to break free when he is out of the house, do not tell him until you have already left. Which needs to be a priority matter. You can always come back [with the police if necessary] to collect belongings.

Remember - this man is a violent abuser. They don't often let their minions leave just like that.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/02/2015 18:50

If you would rather stay in the house without him there, it's worth looking into the possibility of having him removed. It will depend on various factors such as whether the house is bought or rented, whose name it's in, etc, but a court might order him to leave and keep payingthe mortgage if there is evidence of his abuse of you. It might also be possible to force a sale of the house and get a share of it.

Original poster

breakingthebank · 05/02/2015 19:21

Trouble is there is no evidence of abuse Solidgoldbrass. And these days he doesn't do anything that would warrant calling police so he'd just say I'm making things up. He already says he's not an abuser, I am!

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SolidGoldBrass · 06/02/2015 19:33

Fair enough but, if it's a shared mortgage, he doesn't get to keep the house and pay you nothing. If it's rented then yes, it would be easier just to take DC and move, of course. However, if you do share a mortgage, consult a solicitor about making sure you get your share: it may be possible to force a sale of the house even without 'proof' of abuse. Couples with shared mortgages do split up for all sorts of reasons, but the law doesn't allow one partner simply to keep all the assets of the relationship because he wants to.

Original poster

breakingthebank · 06/02/2015 20:43

Thanks SGB. I do need to consult a solicitor. I figure if I get myself out I will have breathing space to decide what to do next and get legal advice. Just gotta keep determined. I've got a viewing booked on rental property on Monday, dh doesn't know.

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