How not to give in when he's nice

[breakingthebank]

I told my dh tonight that he is a bully and an abuser (not the first time I've told him this because I've said I want him to leave but he refuses). He says he is the not the monster I say he is and I am the abuser & I've never loved him. We have been married for 12 years and have 3dcs.

I have put up with so much from him over the years, when dc1 was born 11 years ago he was very verbally abusive and physically abusive a couple of times. Social occasions have been frequently ruined by his drinking followed by pissing in the bedroom. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and the night I got home from hospital he went out drinking with his mate. When I was pg last year dc2 was ill and I was up with her from 3am. At 8am I asked dh to get up so I could go back to bed and he refused, finally getting up at 11am.

Now we have dc3 and dh refuses to get up with baby to feed him, I get up every day so never get a lie in despite working full time. When dc3 was 2 weeks old dh was looking for a jumper for work. I said it was probably in the washing pile and he huffed and puffed before saying "I've watched that washing pile up there" in an accusatory manner! I made him some sandwiches for work and he accused me of taking too long. He criticises my appearance, I never get to watch TV programmes I like because he hogs the remote and controls what's on. Everything has to be on his terms.

Despite this (and there is much more) I know he'll be nice tomorrow and I'll lose my resolve. I want to leave but it will be such a battle and I'll have to uproot 3 dcs.

What you said about the sound of the key in the lock hit home with me. My father was a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic. I used to lie in bed dreading him coming home. Leaving will spare your dps from this. Good luck.

Well I have a viewing booked for Monday and I've told him today that I'll be moving out. He went from angry, telling me he's not going to let me take the dcs away to badgering me to reconsider. I haven't given in though, usually I would have backed down by now. "Badgering" is the only way I can describe his behaviour, he does it quite often if I don't agree with him. It's how I've ended up with a sofa I can't sit on, a Playstation 4 and probably lots of other things I didn't want and don't like. He just goes on and on until I'm worn down and just give in. He's now agreed to move out as he can't afford to keep house on by himself and he's currently doing housework. I know he intends to try and win me round and make me change my mind, we've been through this many times before.

Don't fall for it again. You know what he is doing, you have insight. Use it this time.

I need to keep focused. He has spent the day being Mr Lovely today. Done all the ironing, made lunch, suggested we all go out for a walk, done his fair share and more of every task. So hard to remain determined when he is being so nice and we are getting on so well. But we've been through this so many times I know it's just a ploy, it won't last.

If he can turn on Mr Nice at will it of course proves that he turns on Mr Nasty because he feels like it and simply because he wants to

You need to make a list of all the bad stuff he has done in your phone and keep referring to it. I started recording my ex when he was ranting and still listen to the recordings now and again if I feel I am missing him. If he manages to manipulate his way back then next time make recordings once the nice mask slips (and you know he will just revert to type) hope you can resist his nice act though.

AF has hit the nail on the head. He can do nice and normal when he wants needs to to keep you in your box but chooses not to in the normal run of things. Did he really think you would tolerate this crap forever? Let some other poor unfortunate benefit from his loveliness! He will come out with no end of bollocks over the next couple of weeks. You know this now, use this knowledge to get free from the mardey arsewipe.

I refer you to my 'charm offensive' comment above.

Proof of abuse is irrelevant btw. It makes a difference if you are claiming legal aid, but it absolutely does not make a difference as to whether you are "allowed" to end a marriage or how much of the assets go to whom. He doesn't have to have knocked you about (recently ), you don't need to prove adultery, he could in fact be the loveliest guy most of us would ever wish to meet (double ); the important thing is that you do not wish to live with him any more. You are also entitled to a fair division of assets.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: XH said that because I was the one who wanted out, whilst he and the DC wanted to stay in the familial home, I would have to walk and leave them to it. He was wrong. They say this shit but it is not what the law says.

Charm offensive sums it up DeliciousMonster. It's quite disorientating actually and I realise why I've always tended to give in at this point.

Basically I see this side of him and believe this is the real dh, if only I could get beyond the horrible behaviour. Which is foolish really when for 90% of the time he is his usual grumpy, critical, entitled self. So I'm sad but I know I can't allow myself to be taken in this time.

Good point Annie. This is something I keep trying to remember, I don't have to justify myself or prove anything. I just don't want to live with him anymore.

He has said he'll move out but I'm still going ahead with rental viewings because I know that otherwise he will make no effort to move out, won't mention the fact that I've said I am ending the marriage and just continue as though nothing has ever happened. I find it strange that he can do that but I guess it suits his purpose to do so.

Well I went to view the rental property yesterday and it was all a bit disappointing. The place is ok, I could live in it if I had to but I'm hoping he moves out so I don't have to. Not much decent rental out there at the moment it seems. I will keep my eye out this week for other places as I want to be in a position where one of us moves out this weekend.

How are things breakingthebank? Any sign of his actually leaving?

He is still being really nice Homebird. But no signs of moving out! He is looking after dcs this week while I'm at work as childminder on holiday so I won't be pushing it until the weekend.

I need to have alternative accommodation lined up so that if he decides he has no where to go or he just needs another week, etc I can just move out instead.

On a positive note, I mentioned yesterday that whoever stays in the house has to keep the dog and he said it would be me then. This is the first reference that he's made to the split since I told him I intended to leave him on Saturday.

OP, I'm sorry if this sounds brutal but I don't think you need to start putting some dates and times to things. I understand that you don't want this to happen immediately because of the child care issue, but it's easy for those practical matters to become excuses for non-action. And it gives him more time to play Mr Charming and test your resolve. I really think you need an action plan, with dates and times for his removal from the home.