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Original poster

Crap with dating and men, so can someone tell me if this is normal

27 replies

jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:04

Ok, I have a man that I met on the internet. We had a very brief coffee, went great, and since that he wanted to go on a date and was pursuing quite a lot. I agreed and he actually agreed to go to a party with me a couple of hours away but was called away on a work trip and had to cancel at the last minute.

He's been texting a lot from his work job and has actually skyped me twice from where he is away.

I do like him but keep noticing he's online a lot on POF, I mean, to the point he's obviously still exchanging messages with someone else. I'm not messaging anyone else, but do go online to check messages from curiosity but when I noticed how much he was online I found myself doing that embarrassing checking thing.

I know in my head that when you've been on one date and you're only texting etc. that no one owes you anything...but can't help feeling a bit miffed.

Am I being completely ridiculous and should just leave it and stop checking? Or is this a sign he might not be a very honest person?

I personally could not message anyone else while I am in this "getting to know you" process with him but I understand not everyone is the same.

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 04/02/2015 19:11

I don't think he is doing anything wrong I'm afraid. Online dating is tough. Have you arranged to meet up again? I don't think you can expect exclusivity after one coffee date. Sorry. You need to arrange dates with other people and not just text one person. It isn't like real life dating.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:12

Yes, we have a date planned the day after he gets back. It's not like real life dating, is it?! Hard to adjust

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/02/2015 19:20

That's fine until you have the 'are we exclusive?' talk.

Mind you, when I've dated I've not tended to want to be with anyone, even if it wasn't official.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:23

Yes, that's how I feel. It feels a bit like internet shopping and the whole ting where they are messaging multiple people makes you feel not very special. Maybe I am still wishing for the chivalry of yester-year.

I do like him a lot, and he's gone to a lot of trouble to plan our next date and he is talking about dates after that too so I'll try and take it that he likes me but he's keeping options open after getting to know me better?

He does text good morning every day and goodnight every night...which is nice.

OP posts:
Leviticus · 04/02/2015 19:28

I have no experience of OD but I wanted to reassure you that I'd hate it too, even though I'd probably say nothing (as long as he didn't carry on once we began regularly dating).

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:36

Really appreciate the reassurance, thanks, because it's awful feeling silly about it.

I think it'd be diferrent, except that our conversations are really intimate and etc. and I am building that bond with him and it feels wrong that he's messaging others despite the fact it's only been one date. He must have at least semi interest in whoever this person is because I know I put my profile on hidden so I could focus my time and attention on him.

I can't say anything though! Way too soon.

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/02/2015 19:40

You're at the very very very first stage of any relationship you might have, you haven't even had a date properly yet, of course he's keeping his options open right now! That's hardly deceptive, it's good sense. As long as he shuts it down in a few weeks if you start seeing each other properly, then it's ok imho.

Dp and I met online, we both kept in touch with other potential matches for a few weeks before it was obvious we were both serious about having a relationship.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/02/2015 19:45

He's doing the "normal" thing, but I'm afraid you're not! Don't invite men you've met ONCE to parties for your first proper date, especially not ones "miles away". That's why he balked and cancelled - it's inappropriate.

And stop opening up to him and making yourself become invested, especially if he's still online and chatting up half of England. Now you know he's still looking, YOU keep looking too. Follow his lead.

The texts are sweet but meaningless, it takes like 3 seconds to send a text so don't let it cloud your common sense.

See him again if you want to but KEEP LOOKING.

TabbyNicki · 04/02/2015 19:46

Unhide your profile and look at the site. He may bring up the question of exclusivity

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:47

oh great thanks James!

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:49

whatsgoing on, it wasn't like that. He suggested he come with me as otherwise I could not make a date till the week after.

I agree I will keep looking though, just so I dont sit there feeling resentful

OP posts:
MMcanny · 04/02/2015 19:52

Yeah, how do you know he's not just doing the same as you? 'checking' and then thinking 'she's online, I wonder why?'

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 19:55

Well, I don't know if he is or isn't doing that, but doubt it

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/02/2015 19:55

Because the OP has hidden her profile on the site.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 20:03

no, he can still see it, I just don't come up if new people search for me

OP posts:
alicemalice · 04/02/2015 20:12

Some people just leave their computers logged in, it doesn't mean they're looking for someone else.

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 20:24

I don't think so, he sort of flicks on and off and there's a pause in texting so he's messaging someone a bit at least.

Okay, well at least if people think it doesn't necessarily mean he's playing me or he's a dick head or he's not liking me much then I will just suck it up and pretend not to notice.

I do like him, he seems nice, he's very attentive and is putting a lot of effort in and asking a lot of questions.

I'm sure dating didn't used to be this complicated when all we had to do was wait for the phone to ring. You shouldn't even be able to see when other people are online...!

OP posts:
talbotinthesky · 04/02/2015 20:38

This is the exact reason I don't do online dating. I'm old school, so I'd only date one person at a time, I think it's disrespectful to date more than one person but this isn't true of most OL daters.

Basically in most peoples eyes he's doing nothing wrong

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 20:43

I agree with you Talbot...that's how I operate. Not sure OD is going to be for me in the future after this one.

OP posts:
Lammy7 · 04/02/2015 20:54

I can't read this and not respond! Lots of OD experience here and most of it good.
First you need to realise that it is a like a candy shop for most people, so people tend to keep looking, meeting up, texting, messaging etc UNTIL they decide on one person who they want to concentrate on only.

It did freak me out too that someone I like and am in contact with is online so much, but then I had to get a grip and be rational and tell myself I am online too so why shouldn't they be?
If you can get your head around that then give this guy a chance.

Do not berate him for still being online and possibly chatting to other women.
Be patient and see how it goes with him.
And I disagree with "what's going on" ....if someone texts you it means they are thinking of you and yes it only takes a few seconds but it is sweet and enjoy it......
Unless his texts are only and always in response to your text....then it is like Pavlov's dog theory....he only answers when you "ring the bell" (something like that...not arsed looking it up)
Best of luck with this man.
See it as a bit of excitement and hopefully in a few weeks you both will be on the same page :)

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 21:07

Thanks Lammy

No, he added me on Facebook and his friends interacted in a way that made it clear he'd mentioned me and liked me which was cute. He also reads and likes my things, which I know is silly but it's the internet equivalent of a bit of attention.

He also texts as soon as he wakes up every morning on his business trip, then again a few times in his lunch hour, then for half an hour or so before bed and he's consistently done that every day and he spend time on the texts asking questions and discussing date plans and ideas for trips and things to do together.

He also sends photos of where he is, and Skypes me when I am free and has booked to Skype me again on Friday.

Overall all that is great and can't fault it as I admittedly did not expect so much attention while he was away on business after only one "half" date.

It's just the shopping around thing bothering me, and seeing it sort of shocked me after the amount of attention - and I do get why that might not be such a big deal so I will try really hard not to let it spoil what might be a good thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 21:08

(oh, and he always texts first!)

OP posts:
Lammy7 · 04/02/2015 21:17

Jess I really think you have to give him a chance (and believe me I am not one for rose tinted glasses lol at the idea).
It sounds great and long may it continue.
For what it is worth (and I am not making excuses for him) but even when I was dating I still went on the site each night to chat to friends I had made. I joined to get a partner (which didn't happen for me) and was totally unprepared for all the male and female friends I made and still have in RL.
Maybe that is why he is online a lot? Just maybe.
People will argue that there is FB etc to keep in touch, but for me there was so many on the site I genuinely was friends with and loved chatting to, that it made sense for me to still log in....
I sincerely hope it works for you and this guy. He can't have much to hide if you are FB friends!

Original poster
jessmay · 04/02/2015 22:50

Fingers crossed. I really have picked some stinkers lately!

No, he's got nothing to hide, that's true. He's been really open, and he was up for meeting my friends on a first proper date and was very sweet wondering what to wear. I'll try and keep my mouth shut and try and give him the benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:
aeon456 · 05/02/2015 00:31

Talk to others on the dating site when he is on there too and let him speak to you first. You have to act as if he is just one of many possibilities. It's far better to talk to several different people to prevent becoming clingy towards one person. Also, many men on dating sites don't want a full relationship so they like to keep their options open. You also get to know people on dating sites who you just chat to, so chatting doesn't always mean wanting to date - it can just be they've chatted for a while so are more like friends.

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