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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice/Reassurance please

37 replies

passthenutella · 04/02/2015 17:58

This is my first relationships post. Bit of background, I've a usually wonderful DP who looks after me, cooks, hoovers, everything and I really can't fault him. We live together and im 37 weeks pregnant. Since I've been pg he's been great and hardly goes out, when he does he keeps in contact and gives me no reason to worry.
However last night I was on our laptop and he had left his Facebook logged in. I seen a message to his friend saying "if passthenutella asks then I went home with you". This was a night last summer where he was out while I was away on a girls weekend. I don't know if it's hormones but it's been playing on my mind now and im unsure wether to say anything as it's possibly innocent and I don't want to look like I was reading his messages. only reason I seen this was because he rarely fb messages this friend so it was visable without clicking. I wish I'd never seen anything.. I'd never ever even think of checking up on him before. Please someone tell me I'm just being silly.

OP posts:
candyce83 · 04/02/2015 18:07

Im afraid it doesnt sound promising :-/ I hope Im wrong.

BuzzardBird · 04/02/2015 18:10

I think you need to talk.

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 18:11

Me too, I've never doubted him before and I just don't know what to do with this information.

OP posts:
Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 18:41

Any advice on how I should bring it up? I honestly wasn't snooping I didn't mean to see anything but I don't know if he'll believe that.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/02/2015 18:44

You could tell him, "I saw something by accident and it's worried me so I just need to ask you..." (this is what I would do).

I think what might work better though is if you say, "I need you to be honest with me, and I can only give you one chance. I know Tom knows some of the details too..." and then go silent.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 18:47

possibly innocent ?

how so ? Sad

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 18:52

Thanks Vivica think might try that approach.
Innocent that he might have went to a party or something that he knows I wouldn't have been happy about so just told me he went straight home. I dunno. All I do know is that I picked him up the next day from his house to collect his car. We didn't live together at this stage.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 19:04

Do you have a history of trying to control his movements when you weren't even living together ?

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 19:08

I'm sorry are you suggesting I'm controlling?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/02/2015 19:17

Her question has a purpose OP Smile

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 19:21

No I've never tried to control him, or him me. I actually think we've a great relationship. This is the first instance I've ever worried about anything. I only picked him up that day because he asked if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 19:22

If you don't have a history of trying to control him then what possible reason would he have to lie ?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 19:24

You are filling in the gaps before you have even asked why he would deliberately not only lie by omission but rope somebody else into hoodwinking you

that's pretty shitty behaviour

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 19:31

I don't know. I really know what to think or do. It's so upsetting especially because I'm so pregnant. And I'm not just saying it but he is a brilliant partner giving me no reason to think anything before this.

OP posts:
Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 19:32

The thing that keeps playing on my mind is that he asked him to lie when I'd never even think of doubting how or when he got home

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 04/02/2015 19:34

It's clear that he did something that night that he didn't want you to know about.

What though? Truthfully I guess you will never know! He certainly isn't going to admit anything.

In your shoes I would say: tell me where you were this night and who with? When he says he went home with said friend say you know that's a lie and you're giving him one chance to tell the truth.

Do not mention FB.

Good luck

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 19:47

I know there's something he's not telling me. But I don't know how to not mention fb as it's going so far back how do I explain that I know he lied? I know that mentioning it can easily turn it back on me tho why was I looking etc. It's the row that could potentially happen that's putting me off because definatly wouldn't be good for baby. Neither is the stress of thinking about it I suppose.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 20:03

Why are you so concerned about him "turning it back on you" ? Does he do that a lot when you ask perfectly reasonable questions ?

You came across an untruth by accident. If he was a better liar and more accomplished at deceit you would never have found it. There is no high ground here for him.

andsmile · 04/02/2015 20:08

He may have been gambling/lapdance club/spent money on a hotel that he shouldnt have. Im just tryign to think of things he may have done apart fromt he obvious.

I do think you need to address this with him. Sould he have let that message there for you to see as a trap to test you? Does he play games is he insecure?

I had to sort something out when I was heavily pregnant and it's not nice at all. I did feel a bit vulnerable tbh.

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 20:19

No he doesn't its not that. I suppose I'm just upset at the thought that he lied to me and I'm worried about what may come out when I do bring it up. I can't stop crying. I know im going to have to talk to him this wondering is worse than anything.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/02/2015 20:22

I understand why you're so upset and worried. And I agree, not knowing is worse than knowing.

Original poster
passthenutella · 04/02/2015 20:24

No andsmile i wouldnt have said its a test because it was a message from months ago. And he woudnt really be like that. The only way to find out is to ask I suppose. I hope its not the worst that Ive been thinking.
I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable, I've absolutely no idea what I'll do if i don't like the outcome.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 20:32

I am sorry this is happening, love. But before you speak to him about it, I think it's a good idea to have a think about what you will do if you don't like the outcome. Burying your head in the sand is not really an option. Trust has been wrecked now. He owes you an explanation.

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 20:34

If you don't like the response, it's ok to ask for some time and space to think. You can say, "Ok, thanks, I need to think about this for a bit" especially if you feel the matter is unresolved one way or the other.

andsmile · 04/02/2015 20:37

I had been through worse previously with my DH (which I know on MN would be deal breakers for some EA) it was hell and we worked veryhard to rebuild. So when he did this I was incredibly upset - tired - hormonal.

I accept that neither of us are pefect and we have errors in judgement and fuck up sometimes. It depends how flexible a view you have and the capacity to tolerate and/or forgive.

It is never ever as easy as 'leave the bastard' But I dont see how you have any choice but to ask this will drive you nuts otherwise.

DH and I are happt with the marriage we have. I feel its been tested and we still standing. I appreicate others may take a more hardline approach than what I've alluded to in this post.

Take care