Another Narc Mother one...apols for length.

[Outtaideas]

Background: Narc Mother, a few periods of nc over the years. She's been behaving a while and 3.5 years ago moved to my town to be nearer her dgc's. I usually see her weekly, she has the dgc's occasionally (1-2 overnight babysits a year, occasional cover if they are sick or have an inset day). I tend to 'play the game' for a quiet life and have been a bit pants at setting boundaries but I'm divorced and want her in their lives as no other local GP's or family really. I have new DP who doesn't play the game, won't engage in small talk and finds NM's 'me me me' without the 'how are you, what have you been up to' type conversational gambits frankly rude, I have explained to DP is her not you. DP has professional experience of working with PD's and believes in boundary setting, I have never been brave enough.

DP temp staying with me while recovering from surgery, decorator (my xmas present from NM) here doing work - decorator an ex con, a pet project of a friend of NM's. Doing work very slowly, quite messily. I'd stopped caring was just letting decorator get on - I didn't really want the work done but NM decided my house was messy/chaotic affecting the DC's (it's not btw) so I just went with it. My long term builder/handyman and new DP expressed concern about decorators work rate and shabby quality of work, I passed this on, decorator improved...a bit. DP was here y'day and asked decorator to crack on and got frustrated by decorator's slowness and challenged him. Decorator walked off job.

NM has taken whole thing personally, DP was in NM's view out of line and has been called every name under the sun by NM (to me via email), slagged off for being working class, slagged off for every perceived slight . NM has now cut me out of her will and said that she will never speak to new DP again and new DP not welcome in her house ever again. The only fix with NM is that I ditch new DP and apologise grovellingly possibly for rest of life. NM so angry she's gonna move away as says there's no point being in this town if I won't 'let' her see the dgc's.

I am being calm and rational, trying to validate and keep the peace but all sense of reason long since flew out of window at NM's end. Have said I accept she doesn't like new DP but don't want that to cloud her relationship with me or dgc's and pointed out there's plenty of times when I can see her without new DP in tow.

Have just come in from work and found decorators keys returned and cheque from NM to cover cost of replacement decorator. I am now sat here feeling sad that there's this mess, all my 'should I even be in a new relationship when my dc's are only 18 months into accepting my split from xh' fears are surfacing . She's never gone as far as changing her will before, she's actually been on the phone to wider family appointing them as trustees for dgc's and venting her spleen so I am no uncaring vile daughter etc. etc. I feel like piggy in the middle being asked to choose between mother and financial security down the line vs. new DP. It's horrid and I'm worried and out of sorts.

Tips/advice anyone? I'm too in the thick of it to work out if I should be cross with DP or if it's just NM being well an evil narc.

You poor thing. So - your DP said to the decorator, "you're doing a bad job" and your mother cut you out of her will?

Well, she's done it now, hasn't she?? Nothing else left to do. Do not leave your DP. Even if he and you don't work out, you must not let your mother get the idea she is in charge of who you date.

You need to get a backbone and stop this 'playing the game' rubbish, especially if it's going to have an effect on your family life.

You're letting her have control over you for an easy life and some money when she goes, if you didn't need your house doing why on earth did you let her force her 'pet project' on you. Why are you letting her dictate to you.

She's appointing trustees to your children? She's slagging you off to people? She's slagging your DP off and giving you ultimatums? You aren't piggy in the middle, that's putting you as the passive character in this. You need to start taking control over the situation.

If I were you, and I know that's easy to say, I would say I won't accept her speaking about me or my DP like that and that you also won't accept being manipulated. It seems like it's gone on for too long.

Aaaargh! Wrote a long bollocking message to you and lost it.

Briefly, I wouldn't waste any of my time even giving your NM any thoughts. Tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck..then fuck off some more.

I can't believe you even wrote that your concerns were whether to support your DP, who to my mind is on the ball, or the 'possibility' of some cash down the line. Will you support you DP the next time she offers you a couple of quid

The bitch shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as sensible, decent human beings.

And breathe..sorry makes me angry that the OP has even asked what to do. There is no way on earth that my mother, and she is/was a bitch would be allowed to decide how I live my life and how I decorate etc.

Thank you - told you I had totally lost sight of it.

The decorating needs doing ...but in a 'one day' kind of way, it's shabby but I have 3 young DC so paintwork down the hallway does get kicked and scuffed or scraped by school bags being dragged along. I was railroaded into it basically, grandstanding on her part 'look at MY generous gift' as I said it would be lovely to do but was frankly out of budget for now.

I accept that DP may not have been as diplomatic as could have been with the decorator but decorator did need calling up on his work rate.

I am pathetically quaking about the ruddy cheque....I need to acknowledge that I received it safely or DP will be accused of being money grabbing and I need to work out best course of action when cashing it = 'ha ha Outta does need my money I still have power' and not cashing it = 'Outta is an ungrateful cow and doesn't need me so I am justified in cutting her out of my will'.

My what shall I do wasn't 'oh who do I choose' but a 'what can I do to try and keep the peace'

I realise I came across as quite harsh in my post but I think you might have needed it what do you think you'll do now OP?

That money might be something you really need in the future, but is it really worth putting up with her crap, letting her bully you and potentially her pushing away the man who could possibly be your life partner? And I'm not sure how old your children are but it won't be good for them to see her pushing you around either.

In regards to the cheque, I'd probably say something like 'thank you for the offer of money, but we've decided we'd rather like to have a go of decorating it ourselves as a project' and give it her back. You're not ungrateful or money grabbing, and she absolutely is wrong if she tries to accuse you of either.

Burn cheque. She is buying you if you keep it and you didn't even particularly want the work done.

Let her get on with it.

Back up your DP (unless there are issues with him you haven't mentioned - if a good egg, then make sure he knows you support him).

Doesn't sound like he has done a thing wrong tbh. Sounds like going no contact would do you the world of good.

I think you ought to forget about the inheritance. She could laid that over you time and again in the future over anything you do she doesn't like.

Since you still want her in your life I would email her and state that you still want her in your and the dc life and whilst you appreciate she does not like your dp you will not be ending your relationship with him for that reason alone. Tell her it is not right that she dictates who you can and can't see. Advise her that she means a lot to you and if she has changed her will you will respect her decision.

Remember though, that there is no reasoning with irrational people! So good luck

DP being very supportive - but have not yet shown DP full extent of the unpleasant emails , not sure is necessary they are just intentionally hurtful NM has even included a swipe at DP's young ds (who DP co parents and NM has met v briefly twice) in one of her ranty emails.....and of course xh who she loathed for years is now golden man, wonderful father of her most precious dgc's.

DP is basically a good egg but can be a little abrasive (looked at from my generally passive/peacemaker pov) but is aware he sometimes comes across abpruptly and is always quick to apologise, is not unpleasantly aggresive in any way shape or form (as NM is maintaining).

Thank you all loving the sound advice. Making me feel sane and writing it down is cathartic and helping me get my head straight.

Quitelikely - have already said I want her in my and dgc's lives and respect she doesn't like DP but that doesn't have to cloud or ruin my and dgs's relationship with her. Have simply said I want to provide for my dc's and would of course be wanting her estate to go to them ultimately (so as not to be drawn to far into her 'look what I have done to punish you' thing) and offered validation to say that she's clearly angry and upset with me for dating DP and with DP for upsetting things with the decorator but latter no reflection oh her. Got vitriol back.

Sweetie as soon as someone starts using wills and inheritance as a means to get you in line - run, don't walk, in the other direction. The only solution is to have a 'meh' attitude towards it - she can do what she wants and that's fine with you. Show any interest, distress, you've validated that weapon of control.

It sounds like she's pushing your buttons all too effectively. If you want to have a relationship with her knowing her difficulties, you need to do a lot of stepping away from what's her issue in her head and not engaging with the silly stuff. Stop validating the silly stuff.

I'd be fucking abrasive if I was your DP. Someone needs to model this for you - to show you that 'playing the game' is a hiding to nowhere. Someone needs to demonstrate that NM is not reasonable.

Why do you have to 'acknowledge the cheque arrived safely'? You really don't, you know. That's a symptom of the hold she has over you. You know she'll disapprove if you don't give her that confirmation. So what? She's already saying awful things about your DP, how much worse can it be?

I'm also deeply sceptical that this happened yesterday and she's already changed her will. Does she have a solicitor on speed dial who offers a same day service? All these calls to relatives are for effect to scare you. She's playing you. Don't fall for it.

One line email sent acknowledging safe receipt of cheque and decorators keys... Got a reply suggesting I must discuss the trusts she's setting up for the dgcs with her in the next 48 hours. Said back is best she takes legal advice re trust vehicles and works out what provision suits her first (... Have your ball back). Expect I was meant to beg and plead for inheritance and have advised that I ve ditched Dp by now. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Oops old user name!

The inheritance issue seems to be clouding your judgement. She is dangling it in front of you like a carrot, to keep you in line. Accept it and any other sweetener at your peril.

I didn't give a fig about my narc fathers will - there was no way he was getting anywhere near my DC. No amount of mention was worth tolerating his shit for.
You really need to forget this will business and live your life as you want and is healthy for you and your immediate family ( DC and do). While you want that money she will always have control

I have recently gone NC with my parents for various reasons, one of them being that DM had started to manipulate my 4 year old in the same way she manipulated me as a child. I have no doubt that they will be changing their Wills, however the relief at not having to put up with their behaviour far outweighs any inheritance I may have received. Don't let her use up any more of your time/thoughts. She's certainly not worrying about how you feel.

Financial control is common narc control method.

My brother now (finally) admits the control mum has because his finances are emeshed with hers. (She has other ways of controlling him but he is becoming wise to them) He admits that my other brother was smart and not got himself entwined.
All this started 20 years ago when none of us had any real idea of the type of person she was. I was lucky because I am a lot younger then them and not in a position to be involved.

By the time I was, I was wary of her and kept my distance.

Now she decided that she will give her money to her grandchildren. None of us care, except for that fact she has decided that she will have 6 dgs and the number of children we want do not count. Two of them don't exist as of yet.

Whatever!

There is no guarantee there will be money left by the time she dies. She is in good health and will outlive us all just to spite us.

Same with your mum. She could live to 100 and all this money she is holding over your head could be spent on nursing home fees. Meanwhile, you have spent all this time 'playing the game'

Listen, you can't 'keep the peace' with a person like this. Your mother will blow up periodically whatever you do, if only to keep you in line, and it sounds from your OP as though that has indeed been the pattern over the years.

Your DP has done nothing wrong-he protected your interests by challenging the decorator. Probably his crime in your mother's eyes is that he refuses to kowtow to your mother, and hence she wants him off the scene.

I would ignore your mother for a good while.

You've been well trained by her over the years and you are still jumping through those hoops she has made for you. Long term peace for you will only be obtained if you stick to going no contact.

Keeping the peace also does not work with such people because they never have or ever will play by the "normal" rules of familial relations.

The only way forward with narcissists like your mother (and the financial control methods used by her are commonly used by narcissists as well to maintain control) is to go no contact with her and stay no contact as well.

Re this comment:-
" I'm divorced and want her in their lives as no other local GP's or family really".

Some grandparents really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren and your mother is a case in point. She has behaved abysmally to you, did or do you honestly think she could at all be better around your most precious of resources, your children?. They are being now further exposed to her toxic manipulation of them. It will cpome back to bite you in years to come, you could bitterly rue the day she ever clapped eyes on your children and established a "relationship" with them. You should also be aware that such people either over value or under value the relationship with said grandchildren.

You do realise surely by now that narcissists make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. Toxic people make for being toxic grandparents; many adult children of narcissists drag out the fantasy to their own cost that their awful parent will somehow change and behave better with their grandchildren (even though they know that their parent is too emotionally unhealthy to have any form of relationship with). The narcissist has not changed and is still a narcissist.

It is painful actually watching a narcissist interact with their grandchild namely because there is no interaction. Its like watching a repeat of a tv show you've always hated.

Your above comment is NOT a good enough reason at all to have her in your childrens lives; she will mess with their heads similarly as she has done and still does to yours.

I'm too in the thick of it to work out if I should be cross with DP or if it's just NM being well an evil narc

Your mother is being an evil narcissist again. She has not fundamentally altered in personality since your own childhood. You are basically now the adult child of a narcissist with the same set of problems they all share.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist and this person must have NO bias at all about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. If such a person does, find another person to work with.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages, read the website entitled "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

Thanks all. I have a new copy of Children of the Self Absorbed on way and found a copy of 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' at work.

NM has reached the realms of fantasy and is on a distortion campaign as I will not engage or rise to her goading.

I have now been accused of threatening to sue wider family members (who she's spleen venting at and tried to rope into being trustees for the dgc's for her re directed estate with). This is so absurd I actually laughed out loud.

Have also been informed that DP's aim was always to alienate NM from the dgs's (utter tosh, DP had - until this week - failed to fully understand my wariness around NM). She's playing victim with this one, 'woe is me excluded from my dgc's lives because of Outta's vile DP and OUtta horrid and uncaring so abandoning me to lonely old age' etc etc. Yawn.

Time to set up the spam filter/bounce the emails. Just leftt with that '...wish I had a normal mother...sigh'...feeling.

I went NC with my narc mother 8 years ago. my brother and sister followed suit. She doesn't see or contact any of us or our DCs.

she started the 'poor me' routine with my DD when she was about 6. loved PP above who said it's like watching repeats of a TV show that you always hated.

we are all apparently out of the will. big fucking deal. I'd rather live on the street than let that woman back into my life.

DD is no worse off for not seeing her GM. i am certainly better off. Mother is 76 this year, alcoholic and diabetic. she will live forever, out of pure spite.

OP, we don't have to tolerate the abuse any more. as adults we can make our own choices in order to keep ourselves safe. please think about this.