Background: Narc Mother, a few periods of nc over the years. She's been behaving a while and 3.5 years ago moved to my town to be nearer her dgc's. I usually see her weekly, she has the dgc's occasionally (1-2 overnight babysits a year, occasional cover if they are sick or have an inset day). I tend to 'play the game' for a quiet life and have been a bit pants at setting boundaries but I'm divorced and want her in their lives as no other local GP's or family really. I have new DP who doesn't play the game, won't engage in small talk and finds NM's 'me me me' without the 'how are you, what have you been up to' type conversational gambits frankly rude, I have explained to DP is her not you. DP has professional experience of working with PD's and believes in boundary setting, I have never been brave enough.
DP temp staying with me while recovering from surgery, decorator (my xmas present from NM) here doing work - decorator an ex con, a pet project of a friend of NM's. Doing work very slowly, quite messily. I'd stopped caring was just letting decorator get on - I didn't really want the work done but NM decided my house was messy/chaotic affecting the DC's (it's not btw) so I just went with it. My long term builder/handyman and new DP expressed concern about decorators work rate and shabby quality of work, I passed this on, decorator improved...a bit. DP was here y'day and asked decorator to crack on and got frustrated by decorator's slowness and challenged him. Decorator walked off job.
NM has taken whole thing personally, DP was in NM's view out of line and has been called every name under the sun by NM (to me via email), slagged off for being working class, slagged off for every perceived slight . NM has now cut me out of her will and said that she will never speak to new DP again and new DP not welcome in her house ever again. The only fix with NM is that I ditch new DP and apologise grovellingly possibly for rest of life. NM so angry she's gonna move away as says there's no point being in this town if I won't 'let' her see the dgc's.
I am being calm and rational, trying to validate and keep the peace but all sense of reason long since flew out of window at NM's end. Have said I accept she doesn't like new DP but don't want that to cloud her relationship with me or dgc's and pointed out there's plenty of times when I can see her without new DP in tow.
Have just come in from work and found decorators keys returned and cheque from NM to cover cost of replacement decorator. I am now sat here feeling sad that there's this mess, all my 'should I even be in a new relationship when my dc's are only 18 months into accepting my split from xh' fears are surfacing . She's never gone as far as changing her will before, she's actually been on the phone to wider family appointing them as trustees for dgc's and venting her spleen so I am no uncaring vile daughter etc. etc. I feel like piggy in the middle being asked to choose between mother and financial security down the line vs. new DP. It's horrid and I'm worried and out of sorts.
Tips/advice anyone? I'm too in the thick of it to work out if I should be cross with DP or if it's just NM being well an evil narc.