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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DBro's Wedding - No invite

72 replies

bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 14:19

So, DBro is getting married in May.

Fell out with DM at Christmas and DBro is apparently very angry with me. DSis has been acting as go-between in that she has told me that he's angry, she's told me that he has taken DS's Christmas present back to the shop and that DBro has done the wedding invites.

She implores me to apologise and to build bridges but really, I CBA.

This is the second time he's been getting married and the second time that he's not invited me. Both times because I've been at odds with DM.

OP posts:
TheyLearnedFromBrian · 02/02/2015 14:27

He sounds a drama queen. As well as someone fond of sticking his nose into Not His Business. I can see why you can't be arsed... and I'd feel the same.

YANBU

bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 14:32

Leave them to it. I bloody hate weddings anyway, hope I never get invited to one again!

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 14:34

My fall out with DM did affect him insomuch as I'd invited family round for Christmas dinner and then following Drama from DM cancelled with short notice...

I think I'm just annoyed that rather than having any care at all as to whether I'm OK or what made me cancel at last minute (Christmas Eve) he's angry at me (more angry than DSis has ever seen him) and I'm now no longer on their wedding guest list.

Oh, and the whole family except for my sister is now snubbing me and DS.

FFS.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2015 14:51

Quite apart from his mother you are dealing with his mother's enabler (DB) and an associated flying monkey in DSis who is also acting here in her own self interest (it is certainly not yours). Both should be completely ignored by you.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend and family are no different. It is NOT your fault they are this way.

You do NOT need such dysfunctional people in your life in any shape or form.

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 14:56

I hear you Attila and I agree with you.

I just feel so sad to have such a family.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/02/2015 15:00

Does he know/understand why you did what you did? Have you actually spoken to him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2015 15:03

Its not your fault your family of origin are so dysfunctional; you did not cause them to act that way. (BTW what if anything do you know about your mother's family background; that often gives clues).

The best thing you can do for you is to keep your own self and any children you have well away from them. People like your DSis really do have their own reasons for wanting you to "apologise and build bridges" and those are purely for her own self interest; she would rather you cop the emotional fallout instead.

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 16:19

Nanny0gg - I didn't explain at Christmas, and after DSis told me how angry he is with me, I spent the week after Christmas in bed till 3pm everyday and just hid.

Then DSis said that he had taken his present for DS back to the shop and any thoughts of apologising vanished.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 16:27

Mum has lots if issues. Lots she has never got over and lots if resentment. A lot of the things that she's said / done to me she says that her mother did to her, but even though she knows how it feels she sees nothing wrong with putting me through it.

Ultimately, I can't keep paying for her mistakes - which is why I snapped/broke at Christmas and had to say enough's enough.

Both Bro and Sis say that it's just "mum" but I won't accept that. Absolutely no way. I don't suffer fools gladly and have ditched very close friends for lying to me so refuse to keep taking it from my "mother".

OP posts:
YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 02/02/2015 16:30

Did you post about this at Christmas? I remember a thread about it.

Now is the time to build a new support base for yourself, filled with people you know and love. People you CHOOSE to have in your life because they enrich it.

So invest your time and energy in good friends.

MimiSunshine · 02/02/2015 16:32

You haven't said why you cancelled Christmas dinner at yours on Christmas eve and you don't have to. But I think i'd be pretty angry as well if that happened to me with what sounds like no explanation from you especially if it was due to something I had no part of.

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood but you say you stayed in bed and hid. How did he know not to turn up, did you get in touch or let others pass it on?
Was the cancellation caused by something happening to you that he should have been worried about (illness, assault from your DM etc) or a fall out that he has potentially only heard one side of?

Taking a childs present back is mean but if I were you i'd try to get in touch with him to explain why and what happened over Christmas and go from there.

MaryWestmacott · 02/02/2015 16:36

Tell your DSis you're not bothered about going to the wedding, as it's his (and his DP's) day, not yours. You'd only be going to support him, and if he doesn't feel you being there would be a support to him, then he's right not to invite you. Take the 'power' of the invite away. (Your Dsis will feed that back, she's clearly the messenger).

Every time she brings it up "I couldn't possibly go to the wedding even if he did invite me now, it would only cause bad feeling, don't worry, I don't want to go. This isn't something you need to fix, I don't want to talk to you about it again."

LIZS · 02/02/2015 16:40

I would be very suspicious of dsis' motives and suspect she isn't bring entirely straight with any of you . Let the quarrel be between you and your dm. They have to make their own choices as can you.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 02/02/2015 16:48

I agree, Dsis may be a messenger?

Fill your live with good people. It's a shame you were born into this.

AugustaGloop · 02/02/2015 16:58

I would also be really cross if someone cancelled Christmas on me at the last minute because of a quarrel with someone else.

I can just imagine having to say to my DC on Christmas day that proper Christmas dinner with lots of others that they have been looking forward to spending the day with has been cancelled and we will just have whatever is in the fridge.

I would listen to an explanation, but would I think want to understand why everyone had been cancelled rather than giving the option of still coming without your M there and what thought had been given to how they might still have a nice day with some proper Christmas food.

Would still give child a present though- not his fault - and would try to have a conversation about it before deciding on wedding guest list (but would be annoyed I was the one that had to make the first move when I had been cancelled).

I don't know the bigger picture though.

esiotrot2015 · 02/02/2015 17:01

Cancelling Xmas dinner in Xmas Eve is pretty bad though
They wouldn't have time to get any food in
Couldn't you still have had them round .& just not your mum if she was the one you fell out with ?

OnceUponATimeAgain · 02/02/2015 17:06

did you cancel the full meal? or did your DM say no one was coming? If you cancelled i'd be bloody mad - as i would if DM told no one to go, i cant quite get a handle on who actually cancelled the meal?

WeatherWatchingWitch · 02/02/2015 21:01

I would be furious if dinner was cancelled on Xmas Eve without giving me a chance to go and buy food. I would see it as you ruining my family's Xmas when you could just grit your teeth and fall out with everyone a day later. There may be an enormous back story here but without knowing it you sound as bad as your brother unfortunately! Confused

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 21:05

I had helped mum all that I could over Christmas as much as giving her money to buy gifts as she made such a song and dance about not being able to afford to buy any. What ever I did, it wasn't enough. Don't get me wrong, it isn't although I can afford to give people money but it just meant going without some non essentials.

Of course, it wasn't enough and when I went to see her Christmas Eve Eve, she started again about all of the gifts she couldn't buy, all the money she didn't have etc etc.

I couldn't cope with it any more. I went home and had a meltdown and the next day had to go to work with DS and spent the day in such a mess.

Text all of them saying that I couldn't do Christmas lunch anymore and that I was very sorry which I was. Asked Mum to give a better explanation.

DSis came round on Christmas Day to pass on DBro's anger and that mum had been crying all day. Explained better to sister and ended up in a mess again frightening poor DS.

Bro and his fiancé went to the fiance's family for dinner.

Then got a message from mum later saying that I'd not ruined Christmas, they'd had a super time without me.

Few days later, sis came round again telling me again how angry bro is an that he's returned DS's present to the shop.

Saw her again about a week ago when she again told me how angry bro is and did I realise he's done the wedding invites? That I shouldn't let a fall out with mum come between us.

If it were the other way around, I agree, I'd be angry but I'd want to make sure my sister was okay - surely he must realise that I didn't invite them round and then cancel just to piss him off

OP posts:
Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 21:09

It also wouldn't be an option to not have mum round for Christmas so my options were either ruining Christmas by arguing over dinner or ruining Christmas by cancelling dinner....

OP posts:
AugustaGloop · 03/02/2015 11:30

Why would that not be an option?

I really think (without knowing the history) that you should have offered this (even if you knew no-one would take it up) or at least gone to the trouble to try to explain it to the other guests.

MaryWestmacott · 03/02/2015 11:39

I do also question your view that it isn't possible to have a meal with your brother and sister but not your mum.

It could well be you've bought into the idea that she's the centre of the family, so if you don't invite her, then there's no family meal. You could have uninvited her and told your DB and Dsis they were still welcome and you were still prepared to host, but would understand if they didn't want to come now, putting the option back on them.

I think you need to reassess your attitude that your mum needs to be in the centre if you are going to stop her control over you and have a relationship with your siblings without her. You did have a 3rd option, not inviting her but still hosting your siblings (even if they then turned that invite down, it would have been them saying they didn't want to come, not you uninviting them). Honestly, why wasn't that an option?

WipsGlitter · 03/02/2015 11:46

It all sounds very dysfunctional. I'd be a bit pissed off if my Christmas had been cancelled at late notice as well and I'd had to beg a favour off my DPs family - thus making my own family look extremely flaky in the process. Plus taking to your bed and hiding, it looks like there are some deeper issues going on in your head.

I guess you are now reaping the reward of not 'suffering fools gladly'. It's up to you whether you want to take this any further. Perhaps writing to your brother, however if he, and your sister, are able to 'put up' with your mum I can't see him having much sympathy.

UsuallyLurking1 · 03/02/2015 11:52

Hmmmm Devils advocate here.....

Not getting all the back story and I don't recall earlier threads so I might be wrong and apologise if I am, but this all reads to me like you are the drama addict in this family and everyone else has had enough

You used 'CBA' very petulantly earlier on which smacks of you behaving childishly.
The rest of the family appear to have taken her side, Yes there are toxic family units, but usually this indicates at least some fault on your side.

All your post suggest "you couldn't cope" "you had a meltdown" nobody else seems to be losing it.

And you cancelled Christmas dinner by text!!!!! for a whole family Because you didn't like your mums attitude.

Based on what I'm reading, a few minutes in the mirror might be of more benefit than coming on here finding other people with issues with their mother and hoping they agree with you

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 11:56

Augusta - It wouldn't be an option because they say that I'm in the wrong for having a problem with mum. I'm in the wrong for rising to her bait and I should stop being so dramatic. Perhaps they are right.

They'd not come without her. I hardly see them anyway. Either they all come or no-one comes. I was amazed that my sister came round to be honest, albeit with no gifts for my son saying that either he goes to mum's house to open them or doesn't get them at all.

Their loyalty lies with my mum, not with me. Which is why my brother, again, has chosen to not invite me to his wedding.

Little sister finds it hard as she doesn't want to have a family like my mum has where the siblings all don't talk to each other. Mum is one of five and not one of them gets on with all of them.

I never wanted that either and I've always tried to keep my problems with mum between the two of us, but obviously because I ruined Christmas, there's only my sister talking to me.

OP posts: