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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DBro's Wedding - No invite

72 replies

bigsister2therescue · 02/02/2015 14:19

So, DBro is getting married in May.

Fell out with DM at Christmas and DBro is apparently very angry with me. DSis has been acting as go-between in that she has told me that he's angry, she's told me that he has taken DS's Christmas present back to the shop and that DBro has done the wedding invites.

She implores me to apologise and to build bridges but really, I CBA.

This is the second time he's been getting married and the second time that he's not invited me. Both times because I've been at odds with DM.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 12:00

UsuallyLurking - perhaps you're right.

It would seem like I'm the only one with a problem with my mum and I was hugely unreasonable cancelling Christmas on Christmas Eve.

But mum likes to push me and has told me that she likes it because I give her a reaction.

Perhaps I am unreasonable for putting my own mental health before my family.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 03/02/2015 12:08

Are you namechanging?

MaryWestmacott · 03/02/2015 12:10

I think you need to think why you reacted to your mum pushing you by cancelling everyone. They might have refused to come without your mum, but that would have been their choice, not you uninviting everyone.

Again, it's the why was it everyone, you can have a relationship with your siblings without your mum, she might have conditioned you to think that you aren't able to, and that might have to be addressed first.

Your mum, brother and sister are not a unit. It's not just "family" as one big group. Now, they might turn down invites that dont include your mum, but you can start treating your relationships with them as separate things.

Why was it not an option to just not invite her? Honestly?

rinabean · 03/02/2015 12:13

You can't just say "my mental health, my mental health" - they could also all say that. Like if you wanna be all live and let live about it fair enough but you can't act wronged by them for acting wronged by you...

Your mom was awful, you were awful to cancel xmas the night before, your brother was awful to take it out on your son. Your brother sounds the worst but none of you is the clear-cut victim here.

Is throwing a fit and punishing everyone then acting the confused victim something else your mom does that she got from her own mom? You need to break the cycle. Ignore your brother for now and tell your sister to stop telling you about him. And ignore your mom (it doesn't matter that only you have a problem - she literally admitted she likes upsetting you! That's nasty!) It's difficult but you don't want this behavior to continue forwards. Would counseling be an option?

MaryWestmacott · 03/02/2015 12:15

oh just realised you're using two names and the post above was you too.

You didnt need to cancel on everyone, they might not have come without her, but you are now in the wrong for cancelling them, not just her.

They might not accept invites without her, but by not inviting them without her, you are agreeing with and going along with the view that she is the centre of your family life. Challenge that mentality in yourself, then challenge it by inviting them without her sometimes.

Oh, and I think you need to swallow your pride and apologise to your brother for cancelling his invite, be clear, you are apologising for your treatment of him - you still think you were right not to invite your mum anymore but that you should have given him the option to still come over without her - even if he didnt' want to, you shouldn't have taken it out on him. he might not accept that, but change the narrative within the family that you can only have realtionships with your siblings if it is via your mother.

TRexingInAsda · 03/02/2015 12:16

Oh dear. Well you did ruin Christmas for everyone. And if your dm was really hard up, she might've needed to return presents. If you've already apologised and they haven't accepted it there's not much you can do. Maybe it's best to all keep away from each other if you can't get on or see each other without this sort of thing happening.

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 12:29

I accept that I did ruin Christmas for all of us.

I think that at the time, it was all planned so well and I'd done so much to make sure that it was a lovely day for all of us, that when mum started on at me, I just flipped. Went home and cried and cried and then the next day came to work and was still upset.

In the past when we've had arguments and when she's manipulated me, she says things like "oh your brother can't believe how you're behaving" ditto for my aunt who I used to be close to and it makes me feel like I have no RL support.

So now when we fall out, I just take it as a given that what ever I do or say or the hurt that I feel and my feeling are just swept aside by her being right and me being wrong to have marded off. My feeling don't matter because, oh come on, that's just how mum is. It's like if they can live with how she is then why can't I? It's very much my problem.

Sorry to NC. I didn't want to be outed as there can't be many people cancel Christmas dinner the day before.

I think that no contact is the best way forward, though I still feel hurt not to have been invited to my brother's wedding. It isn't something that can ever be undone.

OP posts:
UsuallyLurking1 · 03/02/2015 12:30

Bigsis, like I said I don't know he full story and was playing a bit Devils advocate

Obviously if she's genuinely compromising your mental health then you know yourself better than I do and maybe avoiding is the best

Although if she's admitting to pushing your buttons for a reaction, maybe it's time for another strategy, laugh at her, ignore her (easy for me to type. Hard if you've had 30+ years of it).

I'd take it as a positive your other family members are angry with you, if they didn't care they wouldn't try. so you are obviously valued by them if not your mum.

JoanHickson · 03/02/2015 12:37

Take a break from your family. Weddings are not all that when there is tension.

LittleBairn · 03/02/2015 12:40

Your reaction at Christmas was out of order IMO and it's only 6 weeks later so of course he is still angry.
He may be worried about how you will react and behave towards your mother at his wedding so has decided the best way to guarantee that he and his fiancé have a nice day is to exclude you.

We did this to an aunt and uncle (siblings) who were causing family problems in particularly towards their father my grandfather.
If we had invited them no one would have been able to relax waiting for things to kick off. My mum was worried sick but trying to hide it from me and I decided my own mum enjoying my wedding day was more important.

My aunt reacted badly full of histrionics so we cut her out permanently.
My uncle understood and wished us well we have managed to heal the rift with him and he's been included in family gatherings since our wedding.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 03/02/2015 12:48

OP, it's obviously affecting you a lot, but it is not normal in most people's lives to stay in bed crying for a week because you fall out with someone.

Every one of you needs to just tone it down - all this drama, and who really lost out? Your son, on a family Christmas.

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 13:07

UsuallyLurking - Bro and Sis seem able to switch off when she rants, I can't and so take all of her woes on board for me to cope with alongside my own. I barely cope with my own life, and cannot keep helping her with hers as well.

Friends that I have that have problems, they have ideas of how to get themselves out of the situations that they're in and strategies of how to cope. Mum, she has no strategies, she just moans, letting other people work things out for her, either lending her money, giving her money or literally doing things for her.

I stupidly thought that as she seemed to be so upset about having no money to buy gifts and that she felt so guilty that she couldn't buy my brother a present, that if I gave her the money that she needed that she'd stop being unhappy and be able to enjoy Christmas, but instead, it wasn't enough. She needed more money, more gifts, more, more, more!

Which is where I broke. I'd had to trim down my expenses to give her the money and had given it rather than loaned it because I knew she'd struggle to pay it back.

She's a bottomless pit and I can't keep filling it.

We are dysfunctional, but that's the way it's always been. Loads of history and not much to glue us together.

OP posts:
UsuallyLurking1 · 03/02/2015 14:12

Sounds hard work, but sounds like whatever you've done to date hasn't worked and maybe it's time to try and take a leaf out from bro and sis's book and turn the other cheek, and not get dragged into supporting her financially.
What's the other siblings position on this, are they financially helping Her, if not, why not?

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 14:20

DBro lent her money last year but he and his fiance were worried because it was their wedding fund. They got it back but fiance is not keen on Bro lending her money again.

DSis makes it clear that she has none to lend and mum is more cautious about keeping her on side and not upsetting her.

It isn't just financial support but emotional support.

She is a constant moaner and her life is always shit no matter what is actually going on, there's always something to moan about. If not about things that are happening now, about things that have happened in the past, the way life is unfair and people treating her badly, she stews and revisits them regularly.

The more I type the more I see that she has a problem - but not one that she'll ever seek help for.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/02/2015 14:33

You can't let all this affect you so much. You can't keep supporting your mother like this - and you can't get so upset about it.

Yes, your mother has a problem. She doesn't want any help. There's nothing you can do about it. Are you going to allow her to keep hurting you (and your family, by extension) like this?

I think you need to learn how to detach. Perhaps you don't have to go NC with her, but you need to set boundaries, and enforce them. And stop coming to your mother's rescue - let her manage on her own, she's a grown-up. And let your siblings think and do whatever they like - it's none of their business.

I know this is easier said than done, though. Talking to a good counsellor or therapist might help.

BeeRayKay · 03/02/2015 14:34

you sound like your mum version 2.

you barely cope with your own life? cancelled Xmas dinner the day before? sort your life out.

and before anyone has a go at me.

I had big issues with my mum, she is a narcissistic bitch who destroyed me. one week before my wedding she told me she always regrets not aborting me blahblahblah.

I went virtually no contact with her, despite protestations from siblings. was my uncle s 65th birthday this week and he was having a meal EVERY ONE was attending. including me because Im an adult. (unfortunately I couldn't go in the end, dd had a d and v bug. and I felt awful!)

in addition to this I have severe mental health issues, which imsteasd of using as an excuse to retoire to bed til 3pm I get on with for my DDS. your poor son. what a shit Xmas he had!

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 14:52

BeeRayKay - Thank you, your words really helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 14:57

BeeRayKay - Please also tell me that you're a LP with a possibly SEN child with absolutely zero support from your family or school and tell me how I go about "sorting my life out" - you seem to have is sussed and I would like to know how I can be more like you.

For your kind, encouraging words, thank you.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2015 15:05

Oh dear. There must be a backstory we haven't had but it looks as if the timing was beyond awkward. Evidently you were going to blow at some point, unfortunately DB DSis and your DS got caught in the crossfire.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but what a pity you couldn't have filled your siblings in on what was happening between you and 'D'M. Naturally she would give only her side of the story.

If you are the eldest it is often the case the parent leans on you and you take the flak.

If you want to salvage the situation surely you have to talk to DB in person. If you weren't so unhappy I would say okay, maybe this now is the turning point, you do your own thing, you separate from the rest, youmake that choice.

Original poster
bigsister2therescue · 03/02/2015 15:13

Donkey going back to the wedding, they don't want my "naughty" DS there anyway.

OP posts:
ocelot7 · 03/02/2015 15:18

Is yr mum elderly? Just that it seems quite common to be moany past a certain age & as others have said - you need to decide to detach and not think you can solve everything for her. Ask advice from yr siblings & establish a united front. Tell yr mum she doesn't have to buy (expensive) presents for a start! Or decide to do a secret Santa with a £10 limit - it really is the thought that counts.
You have acknowledged here that you ruined everyone's Xmas - & it's hard to admit that we don't always do the best thing so good on you for that - but have you also openly apologised to yr family? Is there a way you can make it up e.g. at Easter?

Patchworkpatty · 03/02/2015 15:31

is there some huge back story here or have I missed something ? I am afraid to say you sound like a petulant spoilt drama queen who got hacked off on Christmas eve and actively decided to cancel EVERONES Christmas after falling out with your dm. in my family I doubt if any siblings or extended family would be speaking to me let alone wanting to socialize at a wedding. Not 'mental health'.just very very selfish and you need to apologise or accept these consequences and hope they calm down.

tobee · 03/02/2015 15:33

I can't understand why you want to go to your brother's wedding if you feel like this.

Btw, I find both of your choices of mumsnet names very interesting. I hope that they're ironic

Hakluyt · 03/02/2015 15:42

So , hang on, you cancelled Christmas dinner with all your family because you fell out with one of them on Christmas Eve - and you're wondering why you haven't been invited to the wedding?

Right. Can I lend you a mirror? You might want to have a bit of a look at yourself.........

NorwaySpruce · 03/02/2015 15:45

You'd make a crappy sock puppet OP.

And you do sound terribly self involved.

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