Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ok, I think I need a slap.

32 replies

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 11:44

Have name-changed to protect the innocent.

I have been married for 2 years, and with my DH for 10. We met when I was a teenager. We have a house together, but no children yet, although we're trying.

I go away with work every now and again, and my job involves meeting people of a similar age throughout Europe, and occasionally partying with them.

I got back from one such event over the weekend, where I spent a week away doing the usual. Anyway, I was drunk, at a club, and dancing with some of the people I was there with. The club eventually closed, and to cut a long story short one guy walked me back to me hotel. He and I connected. I don't think there's much truth in star signs, but it really was like there was a force other than ourselves pulling us together (probably the alcohol). He admitted he was drunk and said something to the effect that we could stay up all night... Prior to this we had discussed the fact that we are both married, and he said something like he tries to be good, but doesn't expect himself to be good until he is 80...

Anyway, got back to the hotel room to find that a text I had sent him earlier in the night had only just delivered (iMessage waiting for a wifi connection), and so the conversation continued. It ended up getting pretty dirty, and was a real turn-on. He said he couldn't take his eyes off me, and was finding it hard to hold himself back when I was dancing, amongst other things.

Cut to today, 4 days later, and I'm back at home with my DH, whom I love, but I can't stop thinking about this guy. Please tell me I'm being stupid! He's married, is 10 years older, has 2 children, lives in a different country, and clearly thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife...

Honestly, what is wrong with me? It was hugely flattering to have someone compliment you in such a way when your self esteem isn't especially high, but why am I playing with fire here, and want this conversation with this man to continue?

Does anyone else find themselves going through phases like this in their marriage? What do you do to stop yourself, or stop everything ending in tears?

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 12:31

Bumping because I'm in need of some wise words, or some reassurance that I'm not the only person to have gone through this. Is it just a product of being with someone for a long time, or of settling down too young?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 02/02/2015 12:35

I have been with my partner 12 years and I'd never dream of behaving like that, sorry, I think what you did was really selfish and makes a mockery of your marriage, so yeah, you do need a good slap!

If your self esteem is that low that you need a married man to boost it then you should look at your relationship a bit closer and pay that attention and make improvements as it sounds like it's not that great.

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 12:40

Thanks for replying, Jan, I know I need a slap, and a healthy dose of reality. Can I ask if you have ever been attracted to anyone else during your time together? I want to know if it's normal to have a bit of a crush on someone (no matter how unsuitable they are), and that this passes?

I mentioned my self esteem being low because I am unhappy with the way I look. My self esteem wasn't low when I married my DH, but I think was triggered when my Dad died unexpectedly.

I believe my marriage really is great, but at the moment it's like I'm out to sabotage it in some way? I really don't know what I'm playing at...

OP posts:

slightlyworriednc · 02/02/2015 12:41

Nonsense! There doesn't have to be a problem in your marriage for you to be attracted to someone else once in a while.
The bad news is, you have crossed the line. (Assuming your husband would class sexy texts as cheating? Most would)
The good news is, you know it, and you feel awful.

Block this guy's number, your feelings will fade.

Make more effort within your marriage if you feel you need to. If it were me, I wouldn't tell DH. You haven't physically done anything, so I think confessing would do more harm than good.

supernaut · 02/02/2015 12:43

and clearly thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife...

Whereas you of course would never do such a thing.
This is how affairs start.

Jan45 · 02/02/2015 12:47

I never said you can't be attracted to other people, I do too and am sure my partner finds other women attractive, that's not the point I was making.

How can you have a great marriage but yet have dirty chat with some guy and can't stop thinking about him, I don't get it, sorry.

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 12:47

Thank you slightly, I have a lump in my throat that you seem to know how I feel. And no, I won't be telling DH. There's no need, given that nothing is going to happen, and that it would just hurt him.

supernaut, I know it looks hypocritical, I really do, but I meant physically cheat instead of emotionally when writing that. He was quite open about being happy to cheat on her. I do know I'm a horrible person.

OP posts:

slugseatlettuce · 02/02/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 02/02/2015 12:51

But even sexting isn't ok in any relationship. As someone has said block his number

supernaut · 02/02/2015 12:53

I don't think you are a horrible person - yet.
You have overstepped the mark and need to back off.
If you don't then I might change my opinion

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 12:54

Thanks slugs, you've hit the nail on the head; that's exactly how I feel. The rush was incredible, and I suppose made me sit up and take note, given that the butterflies have dwindled a bit after 10 years together.

Cold turkey it is.

Knowing all of this though, and entering into it regardless by texting him back was astronomically stupid, and I still don't get why I did it...it was clear to me at the time, but almost as if I couldn't stop myself...

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 02/02/2015 12:55

Congratulations, you are human. That sounds like a fun sexy night that went too far. No wonder you can't stop thinking about it - it isn't exactly run-of-the-mill stuff for a married woman.

But let it go. You'll be really pleased with yourself if you can get some perspective. Dodge this guy if possible. Seriously, whatever came next you will end up thinking he's a wanker eventually and the sooner you can get there the more of your own time you'll save.

Don't tell your DH, obviously.

bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 12:55

To be attracted to another person is not unusual or a crime! At the end of the day you didn't do anything. I suspect the alcohol and being away from DH played a big part. Put it down to experience.

Jan45 · 02/02/2015 12:55

Maybe you feel the alcohol had a big part to play, if so, ensure you are in a better position next time so as not to be tempted, sounds like you have totally battered yourself with punishment so I'd accept and forgive yourself. I'm just a bit concerned that you felt the need in the first place.

DidThatSeriouslyJustHappen · 02/02/2015 13:01

OP, if you know what you've done is wrong, what will, essentially a bunch of online strangers agreeing with you do? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just intrigued.

Are you wanting to hear that you're not a lone and that secretly, we all do it?... We all have fantasies yes, but it doesn't mean you have to act on them. You've already crossed a line unfortunately. If you'd just been thinking about him a lot and had a bit of a flirt at work, that's one thing, but this is on another level. You have already been unfaithful imo.

Take a step back. Look at your relationship with DH and STOP the f**ing sexting!! Better still, delete his number!

Think. How would you feel if your DH was having the same kind of conversation with another woman?

camaleon · 02/02/2015 13:07

Meeting different people regularly in environments that seem detached from your home life, makes the scenario you are describing quite easy to arise. I travel a lot. My husband too. I take it for granted that we have both got these 'connections' with other people over the years. This is how you get to meet partners, isn't it? I have never been stupid enough (you need a slap you say) to text another man. If it ever crossed my mind to cheat, last thing I would do is leaving a trail of written text behind me.

Delete those incriminating texts instead of going over them nourishing the memories of this non-event. It will fade easily in a few weeks at most. Make sure you have a good strategy to stop yourself next time and don't blame alcohol.

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 13:07

Sorry, I probably didn't make myself clear. The sexting stopped the night it started, and absolutely will not be continuing.

As for why I turned to MN, I did it because the guilt was beginning to consume me, and I needed a sounding board. I didn't necessarily need you to agree with me, just to give me some perspective and honest views. MN is a great place for discussing what you can't talk about IRL. I have nobody to confide in and I don't want to burden anyone IRL with this.

As for how I'd feel if the roles were reversed? Absolutely heartbroken. Destroyed. I think that's why I feel as guilty as I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesiknowimatwat · 02/02/2015 13:09

Thanks Camaleon, texts were deleted the next morning, so I've not been going over them, fortunately.

I think a one drink limit may be the way forward!

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2015 13:14

As long as the lesson is learned and you take steps to avoid this happening in the future then I think you should let it lie. Delete all texts and don't reply to any more that he sends you.

Put a value on you

camaleon · 02/02/2015 13:20

You will not do anything with 5 drinks you would not do without them. Alcohol may make it easier, mainly if you justify yourself with it. If I drink too much I prefer not to be surrounded by strangers, text people or write e-mails. Not because I may say/do something I wouldn't do otherwise. Just because I don't want to forget about it, make a mistake and send e-mail to the wrong person, etc.
There is a little crack in your marriage, a very normal one. You will meet other men who you are attracted to and who may show they are attracted to you. You know you may do something stupid. Stop it. Draw boundaries regarding your behavior. I don't stay alone behind, I call my husband before going to bed (or text if the time difference is big). Much better to be 'Ms unavailable' than destroying your life.
Don't feel too guilty either. It will pass. Finding these kind of messages on my husband's phone would destroy my trust on him. But I can perfectly understand how this happens (to other people)

ThisWasntSupposedToHappen · 02/02/2015 13:21

It sounds like you have understood that you crossed a line and are putting plans into place to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It is absolutely understandable (to me, anyhow) how intoxicating it can feel for someone to see you as sexy and desirable. Normal married life involves unsexy stuff such as negotiating finances and hearing your partner having a poo in the toilet...

I'd like to know (for my own benefit) how you can get that rush from your long term partner? Maybe you can't?

DidThatSeriouslyJustHappen · 02/02/2015 13:32

Well Op, in that case, you've accepted what you're done is wrong, your penance, I'm afraid, is this continuing sense of guilt. You're right to feel guilty. You should, but not forever. It's done now. You say you won't do it again and I sincerely hope you don't.

heartisaspade · 02/02/2015 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supernaut · 02/02/2015 13:47

You will not do anything with 5 drinks you would not do without them.

I disagree.
Alcohol clouds our judgement. We don't consider the outcomes of our actions in the same way we would do without clouded judgement.
This is not an excuse for actions perfomed while drunk, but a reason for them.

springydaffs · 02/02/2015 20:04

oh gawd. YOu and a million others get/can get into scrapes like this.

He's a player and that 'connection' was his dick radar a-searching for a target.

Take no notice, twas the booze talking. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad about it - of course you will! - but you were an idiot that night and mr unbelievable forcefield zoned into your orbit. It's age-old lust. a mighty powerful force.

btw you are not a horrible person. What you did was horrible but that doesn't mean you are horrible. Just getting that clear.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread