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Original poster

When did you know you'd stay together?

42 replies

justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 10:50

I am in a wonderful relationship, things are great and that is what is freaking me out a bit. There are no issues. This is what it is meant to be like isn't it? My ex was a horrible man and failed relationships before that never worked out more than about 3 years.

My relationship is still new so we are in that honeymoon period (7 months) but I could honestly see this really working out.

We've both felt like this for some time. How long were you with your partner before you knew that you just worked together?

OP posts:
Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 10:50

sorry posted thread twicr for some reason

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 11:18

Once you get past that initial period together I don't think time is as important as tests :) I was sure my exH was a keeper, for example. However, what I hadn't factored in was that, because we met at uni, the first few years we spent together were mostly challenge-free, responsibility-free, and I hadn't had chance to see how we worked together when real life didn't go smoothly. We never disagreed (because I always caved) and that should have been a warning sign...

It's great that you have no problems and I sincerely hope it continues, but I think the real test of a relationship is how it works when something goes wrong or you find something you disagree about. That's when you get a better idea of what you've got.

pregnantpause · 02/02/2015 11:23

I agree with cognito. My dh and I have gone through some awful times and each trial we face we come put stronger as a couple. I know we will stay together, we work. ( although should things change that wouldn't be the case )

FriendlyLadybird · 02/02/2015 11:29

About four months in, I got DREADFUL food poisoning. It was all coming out of both ends simultaneously; I couldn't walk and was barely conscious.

Now DH looked after me, took me to and from the loo, tucked me into bed (when safe to do so) and made sure I remained hydrated. He then cleaned up after me, and stayed awake and with me all night to make sure I was OK.
Then he never mentioned it (even though some of it must have been gross-ish).

That's when I knew.

Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 11:31

Don't get me wrong we have plenty of tests in both our lives but things with our relationship are very good. We both work very stressful jobs, I am a lone parent to a pre schooler, his Dad is terminally ill and not long left.
Things are just really happy. Considering moving in together at some point. Although early days on that front as only recently introduced to DD. All going swimmingly so far though. I feel very lucky.

OP posts:
Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 11:33

Cute Ladybird. I am really not a soppy and sentimental person but lately I am becoming one it seems. Gross.

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Joysmum · 02/02/2015 15:04

Mine was when the shit hit the fan big style and we had a massive argument. I looked at him, I was so angry, but I smiled because I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be without him. I proposed then whilst we were seething with anger Grin

To my mind it's easy for things to be good when times are good. The sign of a good relationship is that when things are bad you draw closer together rather than that pulling you apart. That's when you know Wink

Jan45 · 02/02/2015 16:17

I was in the honeymoon period for about 2 years so time is not the test, as has been said, it's getting through the bad times that test your relationship and that can take years to experience.

FinallyHere · 02/02/2015 16:44

First major relationship, he earned loads more than me, an engineering student who had six months employment each year and stupidly generous parents. He got to decide most things, like holidays etc coz he was essentially paying. We talked often, and laughed about, how once i had my masters and my career got going, i would easily out earn him and he would be the 'kept' one.

I thought that meant that i would get my turn of making the decisions. When it turned out that, instead, i was supposed to be sensitive and not ever make any reference to earning more, i kind of knew it wasn't going to last. Still took me a while to leave, but..

Funny, all the things that he said I would never mange in my own, turned out to be, well, trivial. "I'd forget to pay bills" , well i set up direct debits and there you go. Sigh.

I remind myself that it was a learning experience and to not wish i had made the break sooner. Worked out well in the end.

Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 17:34

So Finallyhere you thought you'd stay together then you didn't? Am I reading that right?

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CheersMedea · 02/02/2015 17:53

There is that old advice about knowing someone through 4 seasons.

When I met my husband, I like to think I knew pretty quickly that it was something special; but actually that is really just my romantic revisionism! I was just having butterflies which could have gone either way - tits up or LTR.

It really depends on your expectations for marriage and a long term future. Once you have the basic building blocks in place - sexual attraction, friendship, affection, respect - it's then really about two things whether you have the same world view (for which read compatible life plans and values) and whether you are personally compatible in your down times/crises.

By the same world view/compatible life plan - I mean things like wanting children/not wanting children; where you are in your life (settle down; saving; spending; responsible; partying); what you want to achieve and how you prioritise your lfie (career success; family priority; wealth; city living; country living etc). This is something you learn about a person over time and their values are very important.

By personally compatible in down time/crises, I mean whether together you are better as a couple than alone when times are tough. So a person who needs a lot of affection when they are feeling low would not be happy in the long term with someone who is intimacy avoidant when they are down. On the other hand, two intimacy avoidants will fit better together. That kind of thing.

I honestly believe anyone who says "I just knew at first sight" is basically creating a romantic backstory and conveniently forgetting all the other heart in the mouth/butterflies moments they had with others that went nowhere.

I did just know Wink

Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 18:25

That is exactly it. I don't know if I am getting caught up in some sort of romantic ideal or if this really is something big.
I am no stranger to this new relationship butterfly ish feeling. This time it just seems sort of different. Better different and safer different.

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MadamG · 02/02/2015 19:17

I knew in 6 weeks. I just knew. We have been married two years and I still know he is the forever one.

Back2Two · 02/02/2015 19:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Linguini · 02/02/2015 19:51

We had only been on 2 dates and he said "I've just found out some bad news. I have HepC and may have done for some time. You'd better get tested" (hepC is not an STD btw)

I said to him "that's a shame because I want a baby. I can't with someone who has that can I?"

We both looked into it and within a couple of weeks of dating we had planned our future together.

This was over 2 years ago and we have a beautiful ds.

We both just knew instantly and I knew I had to take care of him, dp. I knew he needed me to look after him through his awful course of treatment for hepc and forever after. I am completely comitted to our love.
!!

TastelesslyDone · 02/02/2015 20:29

Me and DW declared love about 2-3 weeks in, engaged in less than 3 months, long engagement but now married with two DC's, nearly 15 years together and counting. Think I might have been lucky, this is my first and only relationship!

ChameleonCircuit · 02/02/2015 20:39

People say it's ridiculous, but when I first met my now DH it just popped into my head "I'm going to marry him". We started seeing each other and I knew he was a keeper when he bollocked his mother for being horrible to me. Smile Got married after four years together, been married 16 years now.

pepperpigmustdie · 02/02/2015 20:49

The day after our first date, we went for a carvery and while sitting opposite him I had a moment of clarity that I would spend a large part of my life with him. I felt as if id known him a life time.

There was no waiting for the phone to ring or a text message or playing chase. We were just a ready made couple. It really put me back together again after horrible relationships

Original poster
justjuanmorebeer · 02/02/2015 20:59

Lovely to hear. That is a bit how I feel as my last relationship was so awful. I think maybe I feel like I am not entitled to feel like this as it is so quick.

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GotToBeInItToWinIt · 02/02/2015 21:16

3 months in to the relationship when my brother died in a car accident aged 27. He was amazing and I knew from then that we would stay together.

Goneintohibernation · 02/02/2015 21:30

I knew two weeks in. I went to the doctor to get the pill, and was asked if I was in a long term relationship. I replied "yes" without even thinking about it. 12 years later, it seems I was right. We had moved in together within 3 months despite me being naturally very cautious and suspicious.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/02/2015 21:42

Hello OP

Obviously we can only speak from our own experience but I knew within a fortnight.
I know it sounds corny, but its true.
I do agree with others though, a lifetime can see a lot of shit thrown at you, even if you are totally together there are testing times.
I think even if you know its for keeps and they feel the same it doesn't do to become complacent.
I'm 99% certain my dh won't cheat on me nor me on him, but nobody can be 100% sure.
Of course there isn't just cheating to contend with though.
Money, raising children, division of labour, family bereavement, menopause, mid life crisis, careers, etc. All aspects of life can throw up challenges that you either overcome and grow together or they are too much and you separate.

I hope it works out for you OP, it sounds like you deserve some happiness, just go easy on yourself and whilst you may have the perfect relationship now don't get too cosy, too soon, just in case.
And no, I didn't listen to my advice neither and 26 years later we're still together. Grin

meandjulio · 02/02/2015 21:47

Second date - about a month after we met. I was right, too.

However, I also thought I 'knew' after about 2 months with my first husband and OMG was I wrong about that.

You can know, I think, that you are mutually in love and want to be together, and that is quite a large part of it all, but you do need to know that you want the important parts of life to go the same way, as a pp said.

Notagainmun · 02/02/2015 21:54

DH and I were very young getting married as we felt we couldn't live without each other and we really meant til death do us part. However, the early years were really hard at times, no money and two young children. Every year that goes by we just feel more and more in love and secure. We have been married twenty five years. We do have the odd spat but they are soon over.

That said I occasionally feel it is too good to be true and one day I will get the smile wiped off my face, but that is only when I am hormonal.

I would say that I knew we would make it just a few weeks into our relationship.

SaucyJack · 02/02/2015 23:02

I knew from very soon on. The reason it felt different with DP is that he was as keen as I was to verbalise a commitment. Even just silly stuff such as updating his FB relationship status- he made it very clear that he was serious about me.