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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to the police this morning, bricking it.

55 replies

weedinthepool · 02/02/2015 08:41

Sad I've been named as a witness in a historical sexual abuse case. I've decided to take this opportunity to tell the police that the abuser I saw abusing the child in the above case also abused me as a child. He is a member of my family & whilst I don't have contact with that side of the family any longer my parents are not going to be happy. I can already hear my dad saying 'why are you dragging up the past?'

I saw my abuser just before Christmas with 2 small female children & I just can not deal with the thought that he might be abusing them too. I'm doing the right thing aren't I? I don't even know what to tell the police, I've just got a bunch of disjointed, dark memories and I don't expect them to do anything but I want them to look into the contact he has with those little girls.

I'm going to take the dc's to school and go. I will go through the door. I will Sad

OP posts:
PopularNamesInclude · 02/02/2015 13:09

You are brilliant for taking on this abuser. More hand holding.

StampyShortnose · 02/02/2015 13:10

What a brave thing to do, you are making sure this abuser does not have the opportunity to hurt any more children.

afreshstartplease · 02/02/2015 13:11

Well done op!

As for anyone who might say don't drag up the past I think that's pretty disgusting when this man has contact with children at the moment!

Katiebeau · 02/02/2015 13:14

Well done Flower. Very brave and selfless of you. You'll get lots of support here anytime you need it.

bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 13:15

You are absolutely doing the right thing. We all have a duty to protect the vulnerable from abusers.
It must be very difficult for you to do this, you are very braveFlowers
I hope this piece of scum goes to prison.
All the best.

OnceUponATimeAgain · 02/02/2015 13:24

You are doing the right thing

agreed with anyone who has the sheet gall to say dont bring up the past can fuck off to the far side of fuckofsville and then fuck off some more

Original poster
weedinthepool · 02/02/2015 13:25

afreshstart If I'm honest my parents behaviour surrounding the whole thing has been diabolical. I strongly believe my parents knew on some level that I was being abused (a doctor pointed out that I had an issue with my private parts that indicated abuse) they firmly swept it under the carpet. The other case was a child in their care and as I was a witness they made me lie to a social worker because it threatened their job. They have basically pressurised me for years to keep quiet in case it got them in trouble.

These are people who rant at me all the time for being 'too independent' and moan that I am always on the defensive with them. My dad said only last week that just because he told my eldest DS that I was a rubbish mum, it didn't mean anything and I should just brush it off and get a grip. So I guess what I'm trying to say in a very long winded way is that today is going against years of being told to keep quiet & they will be really angry Sad

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2015 13:30

The police are right, abusers don't change

Maybe this is a good time to review the amount of contact you have with your parents. It's not OK for them to tell your son that you are a rubbish mum. That's very manipulative

BastardGoDarkly · 02/02/2015 13:30

Oh, well done! As for those who may say you're 'dragging up the past' it is very much the present for any children he's in contact with now.

You're amazing, have a Brew :)

LulaPalooza · 02/02/2015 13:31

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are incredibly brave and strong and your parents have treated you appallingly. Sending hugs to you.

Stay strong x

heartisaspade · 02/02/2015 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 13:33

Your treatment by your parents is shocking, in effect they are complicit in the abuse this person has committed.
Based on what you have just posted, I think most people would support your decision to go NC.
They are a danger to children and can not be trusted to safe guard them.
I hope you never leave your DC with them.

DaisyBD · 02/02/2015 13:35

oh love. You are so brave, especially in the light of your parents' collusion in your abuse. You've absolutely done the right thing, as everyone else has said, and I hope this vile man goes to prison. I wish I could do the same for the man who abused me as a child, but he is dead (his death stopped the abuse). My parents know about it but prefer also to sweep it under the carpet. And their view is also that there's no point in dragging things up from the past.

The thing that has helped me more than anything else is psychotherapy, lots of it. I don't know if this is something you've tried or considered but it feels as though it has (almost literally) saved my life. It's transformed it anyway. I wish you peace.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 02/02/2015 13:37

Am so sorry that your parents have been so unsupportive of you on such a basic level, and have continued to remain abusive. As the police officer said, abusers do not change. They create a web of lies and anyone caught in the web is made to spin the same lies.
It is good to distance yourself from people like that, and get help to remove their influence from your way of thinking and your self esteem.
You are wonderful, and you know what is right. You did something marvelous and life affirming today. There is hope that things will be different for those girls. Things are already different for you. Bravo.

Thank you. Flowers

KristinaM · 02/02/2015 13:38

You will find up very upsetting, having to go over this again. Can you think about getting some counselling ? You coudl ask your GP if they woudl refer you .you don't have to give the GP any details.

flora717 · 02/02/2015 13:43

You've done so well OP. It's brilliant that you've done this despite the indoctrination from your parents not to mention it. Cake and Brew so well deserved.
Will you get any support with this process from police now?

dollius · 02/02/2015 13:47

Don't worry about your parents. Can't believe the gall of your dad. Not a good mother?? At least you don't stand by while someone abuses children in your care.

He is a disgrace and maybe one day you will find the strength to tell him to FUCK OFF. He deserves nothing more.

Aranan · 02/02/2015 13:50

If your parents dare to criticise you at all, perhaps a stark reminder that they allowed the abuse to continue would shut them up.

Do not let them bully you into thinking you have done anything wrong.

You sound like a far greater parent than they were to yiou.

notquitegrownup2 · 02/02/2015 13:56

'why are you dragging up the past?' - err, you aren't dragging it up, are you? Someone else has made a complaint to the police, and you are assisting them in their enquiries. If 'he' is continuing with his abuse then it isn't the past, is it? It's the real present, and other people deserve protecting. Huge congratulations to you OP for having the courage to go into the station and help those 2 little girls.

he told my eldest DS that I was a rubbish mum, it didn't mean anything and I should just brush it off So Sad and Angry for you OP. Do you need this toxic man in your life and in your dcs lives, or could you just 'brush him off'??

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2015 14:02

Well done OP, wish there were more as strong and brave as you. Thanks

cailindana · 02/02/2015 14:02

I think hard as it is, this has the potential to be a massively healing experience for you because you are putting your foot down and saying to all the people who hurt you and minimised your hurt that your feelings do matter, that you deserve to be listened to you and that what happened wasn't right and shouldn't be covered up. You are healing their hurt by saying very clearly to everyone and yourself that you are worth something and that your feelings should be taken seriously. It will be a hard road, but I think if you stick to it it will take you somewhere good.

I mentioned on another thread that you should cut contact with your parents, as they are continuing to abuse you and your children. I think that is the next big step you need to take, when you are ready.

Hansiemolly · 02/02/2015 14:03

Did you tell them of the probable abuse of the foster child in your house? Your parents let the abuse continue, and how many little girls were abused in those years since?

mummytime · 02/02/2015 14:04

Try to get yourself some support. Is your GP any good (or another Doctor at your surgery you trust?)?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/02/2015 14:05

I guess what I'm trying to say ... is that today is going against years of being told to keep quiet & they will be really angry

In which case you deserve even more praise for the very brave thing you've done for the current childrens' sake Flowers

Hopefully that wonderful courage will help you too; your parents will be angry at the same silence which allowed them to get away with too much being ripped away, but that's of their making and for them to deal with - it doesn't have to be your problem any more if you don't want it to be

HatieKopkinsgob · 02/02/2015 14:10

Hard as it feels you are doing the right thing, your voice has been rightly heard, keep talking do not collude with their silence, gather your support as Callin says no contact with them would be healing for you.

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