Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Anyone awake? Help..

30 replies

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 00:34

Hoping for some advice /support if possible.

On holiday with DP, DS his mum and dad and sister and husband. Background is been together 7 years.

His family are very confrontational. They are all pretty rude to each other, dismissive etc. My family isn't perfect but I was shocked at how they communicate with each other but love DP and just sort stay quiet if it's happening around me. However, P's parents have some opinions I find offensive, saville victims were making a fuss as it was a different era and some mildly homophobic/racist views etc

Tonight, P's M was talking about someone in their village being gay and said ' I would be very disappointed if my child was gay' there was a discussion where I basically said she was homophobic. DP and sister also challenged her. Then she said randomly and I guess as a get back at me calling her homophobic said 'I don't agree with people having children out of wedlock.'

I told her she was offensive and left the room pretty upset as it seemed like a direct attack on me. She came up 10 mins later and said they told her she needed to apologise so she was. I said I don't accept as she made it clear how she felt about my lifestyle choice.

They stayed downstairs for 2 hours arguing/challenging her on her opinions and views, no one came to see if I was ok.

I could hear every word, DP defended me and also told her that I was one of her biggest supporters as in the past one always tried to get them to be nicer to her, she can sometimes be picked on. She had a massive tantrum and they all said I'm sure it'll work out.

Anyway, I kind of made a decision whilst this was going on that I cant spend another 5 days in this environment, shittest holiday ever, their dynamic is never going to change or her views. But I can remove myself from this bullshit.

DP came to bed laughing about it. I said its serious explained calmly that I wanted to leave early and he should take the opportunity to work some of this stuff out with them (the bigger family dynamic). He started booking the 3 of us flights home. I said, sleep on it don't do anything rash if we all go your relationships could be badly damaged with your family. He said he didn't care he was going to protect his family (me and DS) and cut his family off as I was right about it not being on.

He then did a total change of heart and said he'd spent £3k on the holiday and I could either go home and leave DS with them. Or stay and get over it and accept an apology in the morning like I should as it's the grown up thing to do. She won't change and can't understand why I would be offended so I just have to put up with being offended.
He said why should I get to take DS home early and insinuated he wouldn't let me take him. I'm fucking furious. He also said if he comes home with us he'll cut his family off as a threat that it would be my decision/choice.

Any views? Please help I can't sleep and feel really upset and trapped.

OP posts:

MyRightFoot · 02/02/2015 00:47

keep contact with them to a minimum. no more holidays or prolonged visits. if you have to visit or they come to you keep it short andsweet. ignore their contentious remarks, go and do the washing up while they talk bollocks. i think your dh was using reverse psycholgy overthe flights home. he is one of them and finds it easier to shrug off their crap than you do.

quietlysuggests · 02/02/2015 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 00:50

Thanks I did say that to P that I am happy to have a relationship with them but not where im in a house with them for the next 5 days. He said that it can't work like that, if I don't accept and get on with it and carry on how thing are it's never going to be back to normal. This is all normal to him but I find it too hard to cope with in intense situations like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 00:52

I spose I felt I had to say something as I struggle with hearing those views. You're totally right about it being a sport, every dinner is the same controversial topics.

OP posts:

GirlDownUnder · 02/02/2015 00:53

I'm sorry you're up and worried about this, specially on your holiday.

I'm not great at advice but I wanted to let you know someone was reading at least!

I take it you DS is yours and your DPS? So his mum was also critiquing his choice to have a 'child out of wedlock' just how old is she?!

It sounds like no-one in your DPs family agrees with her nasty opinions and do try and educate her, so that's a good thing.

Has your DP been drinking? Does he usually threaten you or could his emotions be fuelled by drinking? Or does he lash out when he feels cornered?
Not that that makes any of it better, but it might help you park this until the morning so you can get some sleep and have a more rational DP and conversation later?

You fake accepting a false apology isn't going to help you either, you don't need to brush this under the carpet, but maybe after sleep you'll have more resources to deal ignore his mum for a few days and enjoy your time with your DS and DP?

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 00:56

Yes thanks. I feel calmer. DP is great I feel like he was panicking about being in the middle if I went home early and was trying to get me to stay using dirty tactics. I just feel doubly attacked.

OP posts:

MyRightFoot · 02/02/2015 00:57

apple is he saying holidaying en masse is a family tradition that cant be broken? maybe u should suggest bringing your family along just to even it up a bit. seriously, you do have a right to refuse endless days in this boxing ring. families like this always want an outsider to be their audience - tedious.

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 01:00

Yes he was saying that this is what happens, families go away even if it's not a great atmosphere etc. I think I'm just of the mindset that life is too short to listen to this kind of crap.

OP posts:

GirlDownUnder · 02/02/2015 01:03

Yeah I'd agree that he was panicking about being in the middle and maybe loosing face by having to explain why you felt you had to leave.

He knows his family and is much more secure with them than you'd obviously be, so he is much better equipped to argue back and not get upset, just for that alone as PP have said, I'd pick my battles or learn to 'fight dirty' as they all seem to do - not my idea of fun tho.

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 01:05

Yeh I'm not that sort of personality. What a mess. And only the 2nd day of the holiday - great!

OP posts:

Aranan · 02/02/2015 01:09

If you go, you will be escalting everything and seen as the bad guy forever. By all means cut down contact in the future and never go on holiday again, but for the sake of not causing an even more horrible rift, I think you're going to have to grin and bare it for the rest of the holiday. It's only 5 days.

MyRightFoot · 02/02/2015 01:10

i dont know many families that holiday regularly like this for the plain reason that there is sure to be some row when your caged up together.sounds like your dh genuinely loves being round them. only you can decide if this is something worth digging your heels in for.as i said before, detatching from them so you dont hear their bs is an option.

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 01:17

Ok I take your points on board thank you for taking the time to post. Going to try and get some sleep.

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 02/02/2015 01:17

Christ, that manipulative, bullying apple hasn't fallen far from the tree has it?!

DP is not 'great'. Far from it.

GirlDownUnder · 02/02/2015 02:18

I agree with Aranan and was thinking earlier (but didn't want to say) that if you leave now, from what you've said about his mum, she'll see it as you've 'flounced' and probably from now til forever, when ever you dare to have a differing opinion you will be derided for this and your voice will be even less heard.

Hopefully you've managed to get to sleep and tomorrow you'll be better able to just ignore her and make the best of your time with DP and DS.

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/02/2015 02:31

I think you over reacted tbh. So what if she doesn't approve of having children out of wedlock? A lot of people do feel that way and they're entitled to their opinion. Just shrugging it off and carrying on with the evening would have been the best thing to do (and making the decision to cut down contact and definitely never go on holiday with the again).

Suck it up, stick out the next 5 days and then don't go away with them again. As long as they're not a danger to DS I can't see any reason why DH can't take him away with his family if he wants to in the future, but you don't have to go.

Tryharder · 02/02/2015 04:15

I think you overreacted and you shouldn't have flounced.

If you were prepared to wade in and accuse her of homophobia, I feel certain you could've mustered up a good barney in defence of having children out of wedlock.

It would be madness to cut short a holiday. It sounds like your MIL was shot down in flames in any case.

ElmaTheElephant · 02/02/2015 04:35

I'm confused. So first of all you insisting on going home, he agreed, went to book flights for all 3 of you, you stopped him and told him to think it through and perhaps you should all stay, or just he should stay and you and DS should leave?

Then he changed his mind (which means he listened to you about staying for the sake of the relationship with his family) and now you are cross about that?

What is it you want, exactly?

ElmaTheElephant · 02/02/2015 04:36

And yes I do think you've over-reacted. You mnew what they were like before you went, but you still went. Grit your teeth, get through it, plaster on a polite smile, accept her apology and then vow to NEVER EVER put yourself in this situation again.

If you flounce your relationship with DP's family may never mend, and that's no way to live if you can possibly help it.

HappyGirlNow · 02/02/2015 07:23

Think you're totally OTT - she's entitled to her opinion. And to be annoyed no-one came to see if you were ok just because she said that? Really overly dramatic - maybe look inward before looking outward?

Can see why you wouldn't go on holiday again but to go to the expense of booking flights and the fall out that would entail for the sake of just a few more days is ridiculous. Just get on with it and vow never to go again.

Original poster

applecharlotte · 02/02/2015 07:25

Morning, had about 2 hours sleep. I totally take all your points about me overreacting. I just left the room as I didn't want to have to spend all night justifying my view/arguing but didn't feel like I could just sit there and keep my mouth shut. I agree I should have handled it better.

I didn't want him to come home as I knew that's would be devestating to his relationship with his family. I was going to come back on my own so the holiday wasn't ruined with any tension etc. We have been on hol before and I vowed not to go again but P's dad is not well and it was important to DP that we all go. I totally get it that I just need to get on with it.

Ok, thank you again.

OP posts:

however · 02/02/2015 07:32

Don't come home. Stay. Try to enjoy your holiday. You don't have to spend the entire time with them. Hire a car or something.

I must admit my reaction was to laugh at some old biddy giving me a cat's bum mouth about 'living in sin'. You should do the same. She has silly views, laugh at them.

Aranan · 02/02/2015 07:53

Good luck with the rest of the holiday applecharlotte!

Aranan · 02/02/2015 07:54

Suddenly thought that ^ could be taken as sarcasm in written form. Was supposed to be genuine!

tribpot · 02/02/2015 07:56

They've got what they want, which is to teach you that if you challenge them on their bigotry, they will come after you with full force. So the next time it happens, you say nothing - which will be taken as agreement - as the price of speaking out is too high.

Your DP then responded with the same massively heavy-handed tactics. He'll change all your tickets but if he does he'll cut his family off completely and say it's because of you. Or if you leave you must leave your DS behind with him. Why does he get to choose what the options are? Why does he set the boundaries?

You came on this holiday against your better judgement because it was important to your DP. Now it's been demonstrated that your concerns were justified. At a minimum your DP needs to understand he's played this card for the last time.

Can you get away from them even for one night?

Flip

1 2