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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to leave...and 6wks preggie

29 replies

bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 15:15

Hi all, this is quite some post! I need advice but most of all hugs and a bit of love. Have a read Smile

I'm newish on MN and i joined tonsee if i was the only one feeling the way I do on my situation.

Background info:
Met DH when i was 20 he was 35...im 27 now. Married 2 yrs and we have a 15months old DS. Found out im expecting 2weeks ago Shock

I'm not from.the UK originally i met DH a month after i came here. Have no family and no more true friends around.

He moved to the UK at the age of 10 to attend boarding school (so far away from home and so young) I soon began to realise and understand why he seemed so harsh and almost overly independent...he had no choice. He mentioned that for a good 5yrs he'd see his mum and dad (disfunctional family. His dad remarried 5 timesShock ) 3times a year at the most. Self made man extremely well educated and there i was...20 not confident to try Uni (which i attended eventually and graduated with a 2:1 BA hnrs in languages)

Every week we argued amd every week he said its over we can't stay together...I had no money saved (very irresponsible) so my whole world was shaken everytime....i thought my only choice to move back to my home country... I was very attached and thought i loved him.

3months in he asked me to move in and i started to see how harsh he really was...he started to see that i had some anger management issues. A recipe for disaster. Overtime my confidence got lower n lower i began to be more n more intimidated by his knowledge. He'd constantly say "You're not experienced luke i am you'll understand when you grow up..." or "you've got to see the damage you caused is beyond repair...I'm very disappointed in you..." One night after a heated argument i thought i needed to back of rather escalate so i walked out to get a bit of air and cool down. When i returned the car was gone and the door was locked. He'd parked the car in a street nearby and locked himself in to make me think he was gone. It was 2am, I had my keys and a phone with no credit. I was locked out until 9.30 in the morning! He then said to me "you push me to do things i dont want to do...i wanted u to see that iif it wasn't for me you have nobody here so you shouldnt take me for granted" He shed 1 miserable tear took me out for lunch and we were back on. Everytime i kept beating myself up thinking i went too far yet again. This was 5yrs ago now...
I've always said to him why do we always argue about my problems why do we never discuss how your issues impact on us? I can't eveb remember what he would say other than stop taking everything persaonally!!!!
When we had our son he was worst than ever before. Don't do this
Don't do that
You know nothing about hygiene, I studied microbiology so i know these things...
You're not bonding with him
Pump.some milk
Don't smoke Don't drink
What are you giving him?...etc But when the HV or friends and family woukd come to visit and see the bby he would ve the opposite. I'd get breakfast on a tray with tea and sweet words. On his best behaviour and then again when we were alone. One day we were talking and he was holding the bby. He huffed, loopked at DS (5wks old then) and said "Ummmnn i know....You're disappointed too aren't you?" My heart broke into pieces and its been like that always. He's managed to make me feel that:
all is my fault
om nothing without him
i can never manage on my own
i don't know anything etc...

Yet he says he wants me to have a career and be emancipated.

I got engaged and married amd preggie right after graduating so ive got nothing...I haven't got a penny to my name. We have no joint account and he says i have to ask him for money when i need to spend some etc...

It was when i read so many similar posts on here that i realised i should have left a lonnnng time ago. He's controling but nobody will believe me. He's too smart and manipulative.

I want to plan my exit well (no refuges or couch sleeping with DS) but sometimes i feel i cant wait another day. He's destroyed who i was i have no sense of self anymore

Please help!
Thank you for reading
xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 16:02

Sorry for the typos ladies x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 16:07

I think you realise that you're in a very bad relationship which features a lot of emotionally abusive and controlling behaviour. It's clear you want to get out and that sounds like a sensible decision. As a married woman with children, you're actually in a good position legally in the event of a divorce.

How you go about it will depend on how bad things are at home. If you think being presented with a divorce request will put you in actual danger then you will need refuge. If life would be unpleasant but not dangerous then you may be able to stay put.

Suggest you contact Women's Aid in either case (0808 2000 247). Ask for the name of a local solicitor who specialises in Domestic Abuse cases and take their advice.

petalsandstars · 01/02/2015 16:08

You're married so his assets are half yours. See a solicitor for advice ASAP.

Finola1step · 01/02/2015 16:14

I'm sorry that you're in such an awful situation. But you have rights. Make an appointment with a solicitor. Many will give you a free 30 mins.

The best way to make a decision is with all the information necessary. But you are right to get out.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 17:01

Yes but if you hardly contributed to anything financially (bills/house/food/furniture etc...) wouldn't you feel like a total bitch to demand half just because you're married? That's totally how i feel Sad I keep thinking that i won't be able to leace with my head up high because even to get away from him, i needed him!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 17:09

I called wans aid last night after he disappeared but their lines were busy so i went to sleep.
Cogito yes sometimes i try to think about staying until i have something safe and reliable sorted so i can go without needed his "permission". He's not physically abusive so im not in danger like that....

Somebody posted a few days ago about how she was glad she planned her exit well etc....so i gpt inspired.

I can't take it anymore. always in the wrong even when i try to reach out to him.

I wanna ask the nanny to babysit on friday in a last attempt to open to him amd try to open his eyes. Is it worth my while trying at all?

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 17:14

you certainly are entitled to it; it's as much yours as it is his.

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 17:15

Keep trying Women's Aid too, they will help.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 01/02/2015 17:17

You sacrificed your earnings to be a housewife. You made it possible for him to earn without paying for help at home. You did not buy house/furniture etc because you were married to him. If you hadn't been married you would have built up your own portfolio. He could not have earned everything he did without your support. His children are his so he should pay for them. Don't feel guilty about the money.

Maybe his eyes will be best opened by you leaving.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 17:22

A marriage is a partnership. If the partnership dissolves, everyone in it has to be able to set up and start fresh. When you got married you will have promised something like 'all my worldly goods I thee endow'. That's not just frilly words, that's a hard nosed contract.

Your contribution may have not been financial but it's still significant. It is not being 'a bitch' to walk away with your fair share..... but I'm sure he'll try to tell you that

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 17:25

'Is it worth my while trying at all?'

You must do what you need to do. However, please understand that men who bully, coerce and abuse women don't act that way because their eyes are closed. It's not some problem of misunderstanding or lack of comprehension. They are driven by the need to control and the ends always justifies the means. They despise women.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 17:26

Please keep trying Women's Aid. They are busy because a lot of women, just like you, are in rotten circumstances and need help. You deserve support

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 18:16

Fffffffeeeeewwww! Thank you ladies for being honest and simpy for participating. Anything helps at this point.

Ok will try women's aid again when he's out.

I can't believe he played it so well....you'd have never thought 10yrs ago he was so sick and okay with it. Somebody who left me on the floor when i passed out because he thought i was putting it on and manipulating him...what a joke ey

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 18:53

Abusive relationships are no joke, sadly. Please put your safety first and foremost. Even if he has never harmed or threatened you physically up to this point, there is a a strong chance it can go that way when you tell him it's over.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 19:02

I will. Thanks so much. Will post again after I speak to women's aid Xx

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 01/02/2015 20:17

Marriage is a partnership, you've sacrificed your own earnings capability in order to look after your children and home, you have every right to seeks 50% of the marital assets (at the very least - you'd probably get more than 50% since you have two young children).

He sounds very controlling, but the problem you have with planning your exit is I'm not sure how you are going to fund your exit if he doesn't allow you access to money. If I were you I'd seek legal advice and keep trying women's aid.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 20:37

Thanks Hooty.
The thing is he's never asked of me that i never work amd commit my life to running the house. Iy happened because i felt so worthless i thought I'd be better off staying at home...
About funding my exit it's all such a ling term thing i don't know that i will be able tp wait that long.
I want to train to become an interior designer so thought id sign up for a few short courses and maybe find a basic part time in a design company. Just to set foot in the industry and to earn some money.

I worked for 3motnhs whilst pregnant with DS and new i had to same my money because he would say no to everything id want to by for DS...and that's what happened.

I'm rambling here. Feel so exhausted sorry

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 01/02/2015 20:53

It doesn't matter why you became a SAHM, you're still a partnership, like a business partnership, you just have different roles in the partnership.

I think training for a career so that you can start to stand on your own two feet is a great idea, not least because it might improve your feelings of self-worth. In the meantime, see a solicitor, find out what benefits and maintenance payments you'd be entitled to. Things are not likely to be as bleak as you think.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 22:45

Well he's just asked me to leave. We had a mild argument...he kept asking me not to be confrontational bcause i told him it's not ok to ignore me for days...he said he was avoiding an argument. I challenged his response by telling him to stop playing the hero. He said "you're nothing but a pain. If u don't like it here just leave! in fact i invite you to do that.You think i don't mean it?"
At which point i blew up telling him everything i think about his sick personality and how he will never put me down agsin now i see him for who he really is. He remained totally silent until i walked away...
I feel a bit shocked to be honest. He seems to dislike me profoundly. I think he wants out too. It's probably for the best but it hurts no less Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 23:00

If you are not in danger, don't leave your home. If you feel threatened, call the police and have him removed. You're entering a power battle now and the prize is your freedom and self respect. However, you have to stay safe at all costs.

WinterBabyof89 · 01/02/2015 23:05

It doesn't hurt any less, you're right my love.

I've chosen to stay at home with my son for the past 18 months, & in the event me & DH divorced I would be claiming half...
Don't think for a moment you are being greedy - It's quite clear that that money's not your motive. You need to be able to provide a safe & secure home for you & your little ones :)

Face your issues head on, & gather as much legal/professional advice as you can so that you are informed when the time comes.
Wishing you all the best Flowers

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 01/02/2015 23:10

Thanks all

WinterB how do you manage? 18months is a long time. I feel like blowing up amd breaking free every day.

Cogito yes safe for now so im not leaving amd im not having him removed...I have an appointment tomorrow to renew my passport and supposed to change my name to his. Hadent done it as the passport was still valid. Feel like if i change to his name i will forever be forgotten (the real me). But if i don't it means I've officially given up on being his wife and there will be no going back

OP posts:
Vivacia · 02/02/2015 09:26

It doesn't decide that your marriage is over. It just buys you time and gives you more options.

WinterBabyof89 · 02/02/2015 09:34

It's tough staying at home.. He'll be 4 this year so I'm looking at heading back into work - I worked for a year whilst he was 1 and found it much easier balancing work & motherhood, than being a SAHM.

Do what makes you happy would be my advice. If that's being a SAHM, fab. If thats finding a job in a sector you love, fab!
So find what makes you happy - my time at home made me realise that I love teaching so that's what in pursuing Smile

WinterBabyof89 · 02/02/2015 09:37

& I've also not changed my passport name yet (4 years married ha!)

Just leave it for now until you're in a better place and it'll feel a while lot more satisfying when it's coming from a better place, than when you're filled with uncertainty about your future Flowers

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