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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband...sex.. advice?

38 replies

Redwool · 01/02/2015 13:00

NC to protect husband as my usual username is identifiable.

Husband has issues finishing. If we haven't had sex for say 2 weeks for whatever reason, it'll take him up to 5 separate times to be able to finish. He (and I) find this really frustrating though I do my absolute best to ensure I don't show my feelings yo avoid pressure .. I'm very casual about it..We are tired... its ok.. next time etc.

For the most part avoiding this problem is an incentive to keep our sex life regular. Which has its benefits obviously. However I'm aware that any disruption in this.. working away, my monthly etc can land us back to square one. We are ttc too so right now for me it's getting really hard as each month passes by because by the time he's back in track our chance to catch has gone.

He doesn't over indulge in porn (actually it's a rarity) but does regularly service himself when I'm out of action which I'm sure is contributing)

he can be quite a sensitive soul and things can play on his mind alot, so if something really bothered him a few days ago he can play it over on his mind and I think this also is a problem- he says sometimes he gets "there" but his mind will "slip" (presumably he means somthing pops into his head) and that's it- ruined.

I just do not know what to do. I'm exhausted. I dress up.. I do thing I know he can't resist in the hopes of it "taking him all the way" ... I try to be the instigator. . I try letting him come to me (in the past he complains I don't initiate enough) I try to be as light and breezy over the matter as possible so it doesn't pressure him and give him stage fright... I try to be assertive. . I'm out of ideas! He's not remotely selfish in or out of the bedroom and while I enjoy all our time together I can feel it niggling that my libido is dropping because it feels like what's the point if end result is him getting upset and frustrated with himself.

Hopefully none of that is tmi .. or there's enough info given than someone can advise!?

Should add we are mid twenties, he's fit and healthy and no mental health issues. Together 8 years married 18 mo.

Tia.

RW

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 01/02/2015 13:04

Google 'death grip'.

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 13:13

Blush I'm too scared too! Shock sounds scary!

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 01/02/2015 13:18

Haha, I just googled it. Explains a lot - have seen a few similar threads on this recently. Usually men in their late 20s, early 30s. Happening with my DH too - just thought it was something that happened to guys as they got older.

justjuanmorebeer · 01/02/2015 13:19

Is he on any antidepressants at all?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 01/02/2015 13:21

Yup, I think quitelikely has it. Basically, using a strong grip whilst masturbating means that they desensitise themselves, and find it hard to finish without a helping hand (so to speak). He'd need to stop doing it to re-sensitise.

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 13:29

Chris thanks for the run down!

I knew it! I bloody knew it. So here's the thing. We tried sat/sun/mon - we hadn't had sex in 2 months (vvvv unusual but I had a miscarriage complication in Nov which forbid us) and I definitely wasn't expecting him to be able to perform after such a long gap anyways, but I told him let's wait a few days- do not wank and we'll try again on Saturday (yesterday) he was so beside himself with hornyness (may have just made up spelling or entire word there!) That he turned into a huge grump because as we have small child we couldn't just drop everything for a lunch time romp.

By bedtime he'd angered me so much and was only apologising so he could get some I sent him to the spare room and told him to get a fucking grip. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure he took it literally so not helped at all.

Fuck sake. I just want my own flipping husband to finish. It's not like I'm asking the earth!

OP posts:
OhMrGove · 01/02/2015 13:31

Death grip. Been there (left because of it, still friends but I didn't have patience). Didn't realise it was a known thing.

Good luck OP. Nothing helpful to suggest aside perhaps he should stop prolific wanking and let it build up for when you're together.

Greysanderson · 01/02/2015 13:35

If he doesn't masturbate for a month he will be sorted. I would advise no sex either so he can completely reset

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 14:11

Okay thanks for the help guys. I knew MN would help. Sit down chat with dh tonight I think.

OP posts:
redredholly · 01/02/2015 14:43

How annoying for you OP, hope you get it sorted.

hereandtherex · 01/02/2015 14:50

Physical or psychological?

If he has an erection in the morning then his problems are psychological - stress, tired etc.

If not then his problems are physical and he needs to see a Doctor ASAP.

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 14:58

No definitely physical. . He says himself it feel like a mental block - like if he doesn't finish a few times he will convince himself he never will..

But I'm pretty sure the masturbating is a big factor as above.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 15:00

Definitely not* ..He has no issues getting erections. He's like a dog on heat the majority of the time!

OP posts:
MysteryMan1 · 01/02/2015 15:43

I went through something like this for a while but founds ways and means around it. Certainly not the end of the world at all and in many ways a lot better situation than the other way around...

dejarderoncar · 01/02/2015 16:03

You mention ttc. Your partner is obviously becoming aroused but something is stopping him ´giving you his sperm´ so to speak. Is he wholeheartedly wanting a baby? Is he anxious re the miscarriage that you mention? Does he ejaculate when he masturbates?

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 17:20

Yes he comes when he masturbates and to my knowledge has never had trouble finishing that way.

He is indeed affected by the mc. It's been confusing for him as we hadn't known long before things went sour and I got really poorly so I think it's been a bit of a weird one for him. But I don't think this is an issue that can be blamed as we've had varying degrees of this problem throughout our entire 8 years. He is fully committed to ttc, but is a laid back person and welcomes no2 whenever it may happen.. no rush. This was the same for me. However 18 months later and mc I admit to secretly tracking my cycles etc. He has zero comprehension of a woman's cycle and I never indicate when that time is to avoid pressure. It's possible my patience is wearing thin over the matter.

He is honestly one of the good guys. I rarely have anything to moan about and usually we keep on top of this issue by simply keeping our sex life exciting and regular. . But inevitably there's times when you can't and with an small children it can be a challenge at times but I find this having to work around his issues every time we start again trying.

OP posts:
FlankShaftMcWap · 01/02/2015 17:35

Worth getting his prostate checked IMHO. If everything is tickety boo medically then I would suggest desensitisation too.

Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 17:43

What could up up with his prostate that might be affecting this Flank (sorry if silly Q but I'd like to know so I can explain when we talk later)

OP posts:
Original poster
Redwool · 01/02/2015 17:44

P.s thanks to all who replied. I know this problem is soo minor in comparison to the others here on the relationships board. I appreciate the time and help.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 17:46

Yep, another one backing the 'death grip' theory. Not uncommon.

dominogocatgo · 01/02/2015 19:48

The death-grip theory says that a gentleman who regularly masturbates has to increase his grip, over time, to achieve the same sensation. Why does this drop in sensation not apply to a fellow who regularly indulges in PIV sex ?

HootyMcTooty · 01/02/2015 19:53

Definitely sounds like a death grip problem. Also, if you're TTC he may well be feeling under enormous pressure to finish, which really doesn't help.

JaceyBee · 01/02/2015 20:32

Dab Savage's stuff on death grip is quite helpful.

www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14968

Eekaman · 03/02/2015 23:09

Speaking as a bloke, I honestly do not reckon it's death grip, I think it's more in his mind than in his wrist, if you see what I mean.

There's a mental block going on, talk. Lots. Good luck.

rb32 · 04/02/2015 10:28

No such thing as a bloody death grip!!! Stop spouting this rubbish please! It's that same thing as saying the more a woman masterbates, the less sensitized her clit becomes until she needs to use sandpaper to get any feeling there!
It's all in his head, probably under pressure because your trying to concieve and getting upset by his 'problem'.