husband...sex.. advice?

[Redwool]

NC to protect husband as my usual username is identifiable.

Husband has issues finishing. If we haven't had sex for say 2 weeks for whatever reason, it'll take him up to 5 separate times to be able to finish. He (and I) find this really frustrating though I do my absolute best to ensure I don't show my feelings yo avoid pressure .. I'm very casual about it..We are tired... its ok.. next time etc.

For the most part avoiding this problem is an incentive to keep our sex life regular. Which has its benefits obviously. However I'm aware that any disruption in this.. working away, my monthly etc can land us back to square one. We are ttc too so right now for me it's getting really hard as each month passes by because by the time he's back in track our chance to catch has gone.

He doesn't over indulge in porn (actually it's a rarity) but does regularly service himself when I'm out of action which I'm sure is contributing)

he can be quite a sensitive soul and things can play on his mind alot, so if something really bothered him a few days ago he can play it over on his mind and I think this also is a problem- he says sometimes he gets "there" but his mind will "slip" (presumably he means somthing pops into his head) and that's it- ruined.

I just do not know what to do. I'm exhausted. I dress up.. I do thing I know he can't resist in the hopes of it "taking him all the way" ... I try to be the instigator. . I try letting him come to me (in the past he complains I don't initiate enough) I try to be as light and breezy over the matter as possible so it doesn't pressure him and give him stage fright... I try to be assertive. . I'm out of ideas! He's not remotely selfish in or out of the bedroom and while I enjoy all our time together I can feel it niggling that my libido is dropping because it feels like what's the point if end result is him getting upset and frustrated with himself.

Hopefully none of that is tmi .. or there's enough info given than someone can advise!?

Should add we are mid twenties, he's fit and healthy and no mental health issues. Together 8 years married 18 mo.

Tia.

RW

If he was suffering from this 'deathgrip syndrome', surely he would simply use that technique to finish anyway.

Rb32 - it's perfectly possible for a woman to desensitize her clitoris with too much stimulation. The remedy is the same for both - lay off the masturbation for a while.

Not sure why you brought sandpaper into it

OP, has this problem only recently started (or got much worse)? Or has it been the same for a long time? If it's started (or worsened) since the mc then I would point to that as causing stress, which might resolve itself in time. He may have made a subconscious connection between ejaculating - you getting pg - the pain of the mc.

Agree with Bifauxnen, I used to have a very powerful vibrator and found it very hard to climax through "normal" stimulation (either alone or with a partner) until I weaned myself off it!

Any part of your body will become desensitized if you put pressure on it for a sustained period that deadens the nerve endings.

I think it might be a bit of death grip but definitely stress and worrying makes any bedroom issues infinitely worse. Every time you shag now the awareness of the 'need to finish' will be there and the pressure is on him immensely because you are TTC. I'm speculating but I'd imagine if a voice inside my head was saying 'you really need to come now because otherwise you won't have another baby. come on, do it. come now. what's wrong with you? why aren't you coming??' it would likely put me off!! I also think he should lay off the self-help a bit, maybe not as long as last time as it clearly went a bit OTT !! But enough to build up a bit of urgency...

What if you finish him off manually? Does it work? If so maybe start with that then progress to other things?

By the way I'm not suggesting you personally are pressuring him I just think it sounds like no matter how easy going you both are, the situation is quite pressured by the nature of it.

Sixandtwo- I think you've got it spot on. We had a long chat and he agreed that he needs to lay off himself and a bit more on me! but he says even though I don't put pressure on him he's stressed because the mc made him realise he really wants another one soon (i didn't know this.. I thought he was still just going with the flow! ) but equally terrified of mc again.

So it seems just trying to relax and enjoy each other is the only remedy. Which is a relief as it seems there's nothing physically wrong. . Other than a bit too much self loving.

That's great, Redwool. The psychological thing is a killer, throw in some desensitisation and you've got a vicious cycle. It's great that you were able to talk things through :) keep those lines of communication open and you'll be fine.

Good luck with the TTC

AWw. Just take it easy on yourselves then. Do things that feel good for both of you. Glad you were able to talk about it it sounds like a very nice relationship...

I really appreciate the replies- it was great to talk this through and express my frustration before approaching dh.

This place is great for getting your thoughts straight :)

Look after each other. Going through a mc is incredibly hard. I'm really sorry for your loss it sounds like you're supporting each other which is how it should be.

Thank you, it's been a difficult time. Hopefully we'll complete our family soon. X