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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problems - I really need to talk about this

33 replies

Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 01:45

Been with dh 13 years we have 5 children and have always had what I would consider to be "normal" sex , I have only ever had sex with him though!

Now for the last 6 months or so he has had problems keeping an erection, it just sorts of vanishes half way through. Even when he does have one its not the same as it used to be - this included when he is asleep a lot of the time too.

I have tried not to make a thing of it but tbh it's getting difficult not to get upset because of the way it is changing things and his behaviour about it . He will not consider ever seeing a doctor it is pretty much out of the question to him .

I am not really sure what I can do ?

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 01/02/2015 01:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 01:51

He is 31 , I have tried to talk to him about seeing a doctor but he then talks about things I can do to help ( which never work )

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/02/2015 02:02

You need to be straight with him - it can be easily solved I think and might be a symptom of something worse which needs treating. Certainly, it's not going away on its own.

Do you mean he won't see a doctor ever or won't see a doctor for sexual health stuff? At 31 he is not old but he will start to accumulate health problems as he ages. It's a phobia he's going to need to tackle sooner or later.

Perhaps tell him that it makes you feel like he doesn't value you or think that you matter, if he won't go and see a doctor (about this), and tell him you're worried that one day he will have a serious health condition and he still won't see a doctor and that you need him to look after himself.

That sounds a bit guilt trippy doesn't it Blush I think be honest. Brutally honest if you have to be but make sure that he understands that his behaviour is upsetting and worrying you.

Millli · 01/02/2015 02:04

Is he stressed?

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 02:09

If he is having problems having nocturnal erections while he is asleep it does mean he might have a mechanical problem. He needs to see his GP.

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 02:14

Bertie - in the whole time I have know him he has only seen a doctor once when he had a hernia about 7 years ago! Sob I think he would go for anything serious but he would never go to discuss his penis I think he would rather actually die.

I have tried to let him know I am worried buy any acknowledgment of the problem just makes things worse. This morning it happened again and he said "maybe we should just leave it for a while " which I'm not really keen on but he seems ok with. He just seems to be going off the idea altogether now.

Milli - I dont think that in general he is stressed but it is hard to say really tbh!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/02/2015 02:17

Have you actually told him quite bluntly that it makes you feel like he doesn't care about you/your sex life at all if he won't go?

I am sympathetic to phobias around medical stuff but just to refuse to go is really childish, and a lot of men do it. It's not a nice thing to have to do but it's worse to put it off forever. They probably won't even look at his penis if that's what he's worried about!

Wantsunshine · 01/02/2015 02:18

It may be stress with 5 children and working it must be difficult when he gets home

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 02:20

I haven't told him that in those words I might have to though! He does seem to care in that he will do others things to keep me happy Blush but tbh I don't really want to if he is only doing it because he feels he has to!

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 01/02/2015 02:22

he said "maybe we should leave it for a while" If you read some of the sexless marriage threads on here OP you will see that in some cases this is how it starts.

He needs to see a doctor because from what you describe it could be a medical reason.

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 02:22

Wantsunshine - we both work, in fact I work longer hours than him and we have a nanny who is here during the day so it isn't the case that he comes home to chaos and stress things are relaxed and the children are all good sleepers (youngest is 3)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 02:25

Helena - I will have a read - I would really worry if we ended up in a sexless relationship , we used to have sex a few times a week and I can't imagine never having sex.

It sounds really selfish but im not sure what I would do if it got to that situation .

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/02/2015 02:36

I would say this is an issue where yes you should push him to seek help to keep you happy. As said, I am sympathetic with medical anxiety or fear, I suffer from it myself with the dentist, but I think with a lot of men it's more laziness and a reluctance to do something which makes them feel a bit uncomfortable rather than an actual debilitating fear.

Sometimes they just need a bit of a shove Hmm My DH is similar, he won't ever make a doctor's appointment for himself but will go if I make him one. It drives me potty! Just be responsible for your own health FFS.

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 02:51

Speaking as a bloke myself, this attitude that some men have in avoiding the GP seems mad to me. I don't know if it's a macho thing or not, or some bizarre pride related issue. To absolve responsibility for your own health is childish.

Wantsunshine · 01/02/2015 03:02

Sorry it was just a thought. Maybe gp but to be fair I know my husband wouldn't go I hope yours may as others have suggested

differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 05:21

Dh had this issue for a while. Before jumping to the dr (he was very reluctant) we took PIV sex off the table. We started kissing, cuddling, 'petting' (odd word) working up to other stuff in time.

We did this because the constant failure to maintain an erection causes psychological issues that make it worse! Taking PIV off the table stop him, in his eyes failing at sex & took the importance of maintaining an erection out of his mind.

After a little while, there was no longer a problem.

What I am trying to say, in short, is that worrying about performance, can affect performance.

differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 05:25

Also, make sure you aren't putting pressure on him! I know that the first time it happened I made a remark & that upset him, so next time he was really worried that it would happen again & thus, it did, perhaps because he was over thinking it.

I think it is wrong for posters to suggest that this is how sexless marriages start, because 1] now you have that idea in your head & will take it to your dh 2] that will cause even more performance anxiety in your dh.

vinegarandbrownpaper · 01/02/2015 05:35

Work on general and psychological health and listen to his requests to leave sex alone for a while (if failure is in the back of his mind all the time all you will be doing is reinforcing it). He can do no porn no hard stimulation and also focus on general and psychological health. Consider ego boosting, treatment for depression, exercise (for him) to exhaustion, and viagra once or twice over a couple of months. If depression/lack of emotion is a cause I'm pretty sure this also affects night erections.. Also remember that its not the erection you are going to bed with. An unhappy distant mind won't supply an erection for you to play with, the two need to come together. Going to the GP to score recreational drugs (viagra) can be the story that motivates if he likes.

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 08:09

Different we haven't been having ded very often for the last few months maybe twice last month, I HOPE I have never shown him that I am upset in real life - if I have it hasn't been my intention to!

We have had in between various times where we have started of various thing but it's gone no further but not because we have chosen to it just kind of ends after a while because it is not possible to do anything else!! So perhaps knowing we are not going might help make that a little less frustrAting .

I know he masturbates sometimes but I have never really talked to him about this so I am not sure how he would react to a total ban!

I have tried to help him forget it including a few things that he asked me to do (fantasies etc) but I am thinking that his General health may be to blame.

He gets really tired when we have sex (even if I am on top) he also has back pain and leg pain which he also point blank refuses to see a doctor for.

I posted on a different subject a while ago that my doctor was asking me why i don't use contraception - I didn't feel comfortable talking about it without DHs say so so I didn't say that we hadnt had successful sex for many months! The laugh of it is that the doctor is now conviced that the issue lies with me even though I have denied any issue. i don't get why dh is so afraid to go - doctors pretty much ask women about sex and contraception as a matter of course don't they!. Dh acts as though they will have him sectioned for mentioning it.

I have told DH how nice this doctir actually is ! And how he didn't give a shit that he was asking about sex life but Dh is adamant that talking to a doctor is pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen to him.

The even more annoying thing is that even if you take sex out if it totally and ask him to go about say his back /hip issues he still refuses even though at times he is actually limping .
MIL doesn't help by reassuring him that it's "just sciatica" seriously is it normal for a 31 year old man to be limping around because of this - I don't think so!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 08:11

Oh dear I ranted a bit didn't i - sorry don't know what happened there Blush

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 01/02/2015 08:27

He should be going to the doctor about back pain as it could be something more serious or longer term. Not normal for a 31 year old.

Original poster
Sothisishowitfeels · 01/02/2015 08:31

I totally agree for- if I could pick him up and carry him there I really would (sadly he is 6 foot and I am a mere 5 foot 2)

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 08:36

Sorry op, didn't mean to suggest that you had said something, just wanted to warn you, as I know I said something (off the cuff) which really hurt him..I didn't want that to happen with you.

I don't think back & leg pain are normal, no. Unless it is from an injury, of course.

vinegarandbrownpaper · 01/02/2015 10:23

Back and leg pain and erectile dysfunction together show serious back issues. Reduced quality sleep because of pain will also make things worse. Doctor NOW.

vinegarandbrownpaper · 01/02/2015 10:26

Not normal and curable. naming a condition doesn't mean its nothing ' oh its just aids' Hmm proper guided exercise will manage the leg pain and reduce nerve stress. He might not admit it but if there is numbness or slight incontinence thats all back stuff too..