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Original poster

Oh crap. I've made an idiot out of myself.

49 replies

catsandstuff · 31/01/2015 17:46

I came out of a long term relationship a few months ago and since then I have been growing steadily closer to my work colleague.

We went on a work's night out before Christmas, got way too drunk and ended up kissing. Afterwards we both just put it down to alcohol and remained good friends.

Last night we had another night out and this time a few of us were staying over in a hotel, the guy and myself included. Not a lot happened between us at the bars however upon returning to the hotel we ended up in bed together. We did pretty much everything apart from full sex.

This morning everything was fine, travelled back together and talked about the night before. His parting words were 'See you on Monday!'.

Now, we've established that there's feelings there so I took it upon myself once I was home to message him & suggest that we maybe do something sometime. His reponse...'we are work colleagues catsandstuff, we should leave it as that. I don't mean to be blunt but I don't want to end up pissing you off'

WTF. What have I done?! I feel like such a turnip! Confused

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 17:50

All you've done is make the mistake of hooking up with an arse. You're OK when it's convenient but otherwise not. Insulting

AnyFucker · 31/01/2015 17:55

Well, at least he has been clear with you

chalk it up to experience and move on

perhaps think twice about hooking up with work colleagues in future ?

I seriously don't understand why people do that, although I know it is common

now you have to face him at work. ...awkward

you don't even get to pick your wounds in private

BuzzardBird · 31/01/2015 17:58

Just another one of life's experiences cats, brush yourself down and get on with it. You will always meet arseholes, you just need to learn what you are happy with. One night stands will always come with a chance of rejection afterwards, sometimes they will, sometimes they won't, but you need to work out whether you want to put yourself through the possible rejection.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2015 18:02

I don't actually think this bloke has done much wrong, tbh

He never indicated he was in for anything more than some no strings fun from what you have said

I think you have attributed "feelings" rather unilaterally

Original poster
catsandstuff · 31/01/2015 18:06

Anyfucker, he has told me outright that he has feelings for me. It just seems he's not willing to put our working relationship at risk which is fair enough. I obviously just haven't thought of the potential long term consequences!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2015 18:12

Like cog said the "feelings" he has seem to switch on and off depending on whether anything else turned up. Purely opportunistic.

Don't beat yourself up but don't sleep with work colleagues.

lostoncemore · 31/01/2015 18:13

Some guys just say that to get you into bed. When you didnt dtd with him he probably realised you were having feelings for him and has done a runner.

Heyho111 · 31/01/2015 18:16

I don't think you've made an arse of yourself at all. Asking him if he would like to meet again is a lovely compliment and shows you in a lovely light. He have an honest response which is better than waffling or leading you on. At the heat of the moment it sounds as if you were level pegging. I'd put it down to a rather exciting experience and act in work as if none of it happened. It will eventually feel that way too.
Please don't feel bad.

Original poster
catsandstuff · 31/01/2015 18:23

Thank you Heyho.

I really wouldn't say he was opportunistic or a 'when it suits' person. We get on like a house on fire and there's always been a flirty undertone. I guess I just didn't expect him to turn me down, can't win 'em all I suppose! I know what he's saying is kind of right but I would have liked to at least tried Blush

OP posts:
pictish · 31/01/2015 18:27

I think he's been honest.
Do not grapple with him again though.

Twinklestein · 31/01/2015 18:28

In the circumstances it sounds like the 'feelings' he talked about was politeness and smoothing over your working relationship.

It's ok to do something like that at work, or someone rather, as long as you remain un-invested.

You haven't made a fool of yourself - you asked he said no - it happens to men all the time.

lostoncemore · 31/01/2015 18:34

I agree that you haven't made a fool of yourself. Just act like nothing happened and it will be fine.

BuzzardBird · 31/01/2015 18:36

...or, he is in a relationship but doesn't mind a bit on the side when he is on a work's night out?

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 31/01/2015 18:42

You haven't made a fool of yourself - but how you react now will determine that more than anything!

'Fair enough, see your point of view - not a problem' is the only kind of reply possible.

And then just focus elsewhere. That genuinely means what it says, btw. Focus elsewhere. That's the real trick to looking as if you don't give a shit, you know. All the 'Right, I'm going to act totally normal/blank him to show I don't care/back off and be a bit cool' - all that fails, because your focus is actually still on him and 'handling' him. And it shows.

Genuinely focus elsewhere, and make him genuinely not important, and get other stuff/people in your head.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/01/2015 19:18

or, he is in a relationship but doesn't mind a bit on the side when he is on a work's night out?

Some guys just say that to get you into bed.

All you've done is make the mistake of hooking up with an arse.

Er...what exactly has he done aside from give and honest response to the OP?

Fuck me...... I wonder what the responses would have been like of it was a bloke asking for advice.

InTrepidNation · 31/01/2015 19:40

I disagree with some here.

So he told you he had feelings for you and hooked up with you and then used work as an excuse.

Most relationships begin in the work place, I would suggest that in most cases it doesn't get in the way of "feelings". It's an excuse.

If it did really go against his ethics, he shouldn't have done it in the first place and he shouldn't have sent such a shitty blunt message.

Surely a knock back from someone fighting a battle between "feelings" and morals should be more polite about it? Ie Sorry Cats, I really don't think it would be a good idea. I had a great time and I do like you but we shouldn't take it any further."

I think he's used you a little bit. Yeah not technically a crime but certainly not whiter than white.

I think he IS an arse. He may be being honest, but in an arsey way. You are not a fool

fluffapuss · 31/01/2015 19:58

Hello Cats

This man seems like an opportunist !

Suggest looking for relationships outside work

Put it down to experience

Might be worth making up an exciting new relationship to stop any further unwanted attention if you have the energy !

Good luck

BuzzardBird · 31/01/2015 20:24

cantbelieve, it would have been exactly the same response. People were giving the OP different ideas for what has happened. Nothing to do with gender. Believe it or not, women enjoy no strings attached sex too!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/01/2015 20:49

it would have been exactly the same response.

I think we both know that wouldn't have been the case at all.

LadyLuck10 · 31/01/2015 20:55

Are you the poster who kissed a colleague and kept posting after he told you he wasn't interested?

lostoncemore · 31/01/2015 20:57

Think I would have said she was a bitch tbh. Sorry he sounds like he was only ever after an easy lay and as OP didn't give it away on the first opportunity he's walked.

MiniTheMinx · 31/01/2015 20:58

Your not an idiot for being a nice person with integrity who was open and honest.

It maybe that he is an idiot opportunist who has no integrity, who knows.

You haven't done anything wrong or to be ashamed about. Just be polite and keep a safe distance.

I mixed work and pleasure once, and I have two lovely Dc and a very kind and lovely DP from it. It can work but you have to be prepared for the worst if it doesn't. I hated the bloody job and I guess I would have happily given up the job if things had gone wrong. Depends how much you value your job, because there are plenty of men out there that you don't have to share an office with.

BuzzardBird · 31/01/2015 21:07

You are wrong then cantbelieve

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/01/2015 21:28

If you say so Buzzard Grin

FriendlyAppleEater · 31/01/2015 23:05

What has the guy done wrong exactly? Slept with a work colleague? Who slept with him? Where's the hate coming from. So many bitter people on here.