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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh crap. I've made an idiot out of myself.

49 replies

catsandstuff · 31/01/2015 17:46

I came out of a long term relationship a few months ago and since then I have been growing steadily closer to my work colleague.

We went on a work's night out before Christmas, got way too drunk and ended up kissing. Afterwards we both just put it down to alcohol and remained good friends.

Last night we had another night out and this time a few of us were staying over in a hotel, the guy and myself included. Not a lot happened between us at the bars however upon returning to the hotel we ended up in bed together. We did pretty much everything apart from full sex.

This morning everything was fine, travelled back together and talked about the night before. His parting words were 'See you on Monday!'.

Now, we've established that there's feelings there so I took it upon myself once I was home to message him & suggest that we maybe do something sometime. His reponse...'we are work colleagues catsandstuff, we should leave it as that. I don't mean to be blunt but I don't want to end up pissing you off'

WTF. What have I done?! I feel like such a turnip!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 00:28

What he's done wrong is lead the OP on, use her for a bit of last orders slap and tickle but drop her like yesterday's chips the minute she suggests dating. It's not very gallant..

daisychain01 · 01/02/2015 01:54

Very shabby behaviour. Really, I think you are cutting him far too much slack. Of course there is a flirty undertone, that's the whole point - he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, then goes "all coy" about the working relationship bit.

Bollox to that, he should have thought about that before he got intimate.

Treat him with icy, aloof professionalism

daisychain01 · 01/02/2015 01:55

...would be my advice. Sorry hit Post too soon

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 03:02

He's a Cad, a dirty stinking rotter.

limegoldfinewine · 01/02/2015 04:02

Is it the 1920s? What's wrong a one night stand between two consenting single adults acting honestly. Why is the OP embarrassed? What is there to be embarrassed about? And what has he supposed to have done wrong? Saying he tossed the OP aside like yesterday's chips is disgusting and borderline slut shaming.

Ebony69 · 01/02/2015 04:43

I agree with Lime. Neither of them have done anything wrong. He made no promises to OP about a relationship. They both consented and he was honest to her afterwards. There's not always a party to blame in these circumstances. It is was it is.

claraschu · 01/02/2015 05:07

The only thing wrong is the tone of his response, which seems a little blunt and condescending: "How naive of you to consider a relationship with a Work Colleague; everyone knows that's not appropriate."

Of course the OP would assume that someone who has been flirting with her for months, then spent a night with her, admitted to having feelings, and not had any regrets the next morning, would be interested in dating. His response should have been more tactful and thoughtful. This was not a ONS with a stranger.

WeeBridie · 01/02/2015 06:14

You both had the opportunity for a bit of fun and you both took it.

He's said no to anything else and the only thing he's done 'wrong' is the way he worded the text.

MissRabbitsSister · 01/02/2015 06:56

I don't think you should be embarrassed. I had a similar-ish situation with my now dh and it takes guts to say shall we go on a date. In fact it's better you know now that he's not interested in anything serious as it's early days enough for you to not be too invested. Neither of you has done anything wrong. Yes, it will take a while to move past your awkwardness but in a couple of weeks it will have started to fade already. It's then up to you whether you go there again the next time you're all out and drinking, probably best not to in my opinion.

wideboy26 · 01/02/2015 07:15

Isn't part of the problem that it's difficult to be eloquent and thus tactful within the limits of a text? When reading the OP's account, I was fully prepared for the pair of them to have dtd and THEN for him to have backed off. If I were 40 years younger, I'm not so sure I could have stopped at the stage they got to. (Different story now though...)

alabastergirl · 01/02/2015 08:24

I think he shouldn't have admitted he had feelings and then use you and then dump you from a great height.

I hope at work you can now practice studied indifference.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 09:17

'Borderline slut shaming' .... If I even knew what that meant I'd comment. It's not a ONS. There's a friendship, flirting, 'a connection', intimacy on two occasions and the OP was clearly hoping to take it further. He, on the other hand, seems to think she's OK for a fumble at closing time if there's nothing better on offer but that's it.

OP suggest you keep things firmly professional from now on. He's not a friend

Branleuse · 01/02/2015 09:20

pretend that the other night didnt happen. You did nothing wring, neither did he, but dont trust him if he tries to be friendly. Just treat him formally likw a normal colleague.
He will probably try and get into your pants again at some point

TRexingInAsda · 01/02/2015 10:18

Don't be embarrassed, you haven't made an idiot out of yourself at all. You've done nothing wrong. You had a bit of fun on a night out, the end! He doesn't want a relationship, and doesn't want to have sex with you and then ditch you because he's a colleague and there could be consequences to him of doing that. Well, how chivalrous! Consider that a lucky escape. It might also be that he's not very confident in his 'performance' and would feel vulnerable to office gossips if you two slept together and you didn't have a great time. But whatever his reasons, there's not much point trying to second guess him. Hold your head high and move on.

BolshierAyraStark · 01/02/2015 14:04

Chalk it up to experience, you enjoyed it so not all bad.

Stop with the flirting & don't make the mistake again with this particular man though-be interesting to see what happens on the next night out as he does sound like a chancer.

limegoldfinewine · 04/02/2015 04:35

'Borderline slut shaming' .... If I even knew what that meant I'd comment.

"Slut shaming" = shaming women for having sex. Borderline = on the border of.

He, on the other hand, seems to think she's OK for a fumble at closing time if there's nothing better on offer but that's it.

What does this even mean? This is what I mean by slut shaming. If two people decide they are bored and want to have sex, what is wrong with that? Even the OP was "up for a fumble at closing time", what's wrong with that? You seem to be implying that he thinks she's "that sort of girl" and she's not. I disagree that there is something shameful in a woman having sex or a ONS and thus there is nothing shameful in someone thinking that a woman might be willing to have sex or a ONS. It's different if there's deception, but here there isn't.

Tryharder · 04/02/2015 04:57

I would've replied to the text with a cheery 'oh well, that's a shame, see you on Monday'

Then act normally. Don't blank him or behave differently in any way.

C'est la vie.

But NEVER sleep with him again.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 04/02/2015 06:25

In your OP, you don't mention your colleague making any promises about the future. Sounds like one of those situations where you wanted more than he did, it happens unfortunately. At least he let you know sooner rather than later.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 08:54

I don't think there's anything shameful in women (or men) enjoying sex, having a ONS or similar. I think there is quite lot shameful in setting someone up with false expectations. There had been a long run up of flirting etc, they seemed to get along well, there was intimacy. If he'd said on the night 'I fancy a shag but that's as far as it goes' .... been honest..... the OP could have made an informed decision.

SmashingInAthleticWear · 04/02/2015 11:34

What Tryharder said. Don't be embarrassed, but for the love of god DO NOT have sex with him again.

pocketsaviour · 04/02/2015 11:47

What he should have said was "I have feelings for you... in my pants."

That said, work relationships can be (not always) a minefield, especially if you work closely together, so it could be a good thing.

Limegoldfinewine I think you're seeing right wing boogeymen where there is none. Nobody here has said "keep your legs closed then" or "well you shouldn't have had a ONS". The comments are concerning whether he led her on by implying there was a possibility of a romantic relationship rather than just a one-nighter. From what OP posted, I think he did, and therefore she is feeling a bit deflated when he suddenly says "Oh it was just a bit of fun and I don't actually want to date you."

I've been there (I'm sure many of us have) and it never made me regret having the sex, but when you think something else is going to come of it, you end up feeling like a right pudding when the penny drops that he doesn't actually like you as a person :-\

daisychain01 · 04/02/2015 11:52

It was the fact that he was all up for going beyond the "Workplace Professional Relationship" one minute- in fact not once but twice, then when the OP wanted to move things on, he got all po-faced and 'precious' in his text message.

Sort of "wag my finger at you - naughty girl for over stepping the boundary"

Cheers you arse

daisychain01 · 04/02/2015 11:56

I agree Cog, why didn't he set out his intentions honestly. Maybe because he wasn't as principled as he later tried to come across!

' Kept his powder dry' I suspect

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 13:20

No principles at all I suspect. Another thing I thought was a bit off was that he seemed to not pay much attention to you during the evening itself, only showing an interest when you got back to the hotel. What was the idea there? Doesn't want people seeing you together?

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