Feeling peed off with him...AIBU?

[AmonRa1]

I'll try and keep this as short as poss.

Been with OH for nearly a year now, he is amazing and we are very happy.

When I first met him, he had 3 male lodgers living in his house, 2 'professionals' who were there Mon-Thurs and one full time lodger. I admit, for me (I like privacy and clean as tidy personal space ) it took a big amount of getting used to, at times, it felt like I was back at uni. However, I'm currently (aged 27) back home for a bit living with my parents to try and clear some debt/ save for a mortgage so it's not like I had a free house either.

OH admitted early on that he doesn't need the money from the lodgers (he has a very well paid job) but that it was just nice to have and in the past couple of years he has managed to accumulate quite a bit of savings from having them. Kudos to him, I wish I was that savvy.

Anyway, his professional lodgers have always been pretty fine as you very rarely see them and they are (mostly) clean and tidy. His main, full time lodger though has been nothing but a PITA. He is quite honestly the most aggressive, most unfriendly man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. He took liberties all the time, was messy, dirty and just generally not very nice to have around and always causing problems.

Anyway, one of his professional lodgers moved out a couple of months ago as he has relocated back to his home town, fair enough. That just left one of the professionals and the idiot, full time one.

Early Dec, OH found out that full time lodger had been stealing from him (he had suspected for ages and even confronted him at one point but he denied it) so he gave him his notice (hurrah!) He moved out a month ago, leaving just one full time lodger who is hardly ever there and honestly, it has been BLISS. I started to feel comfortable spending time there and started to spend more time there (something that OH had been wanting me to do for ages but I just didn't feel comfortable around there) After a couple of weeks he said 'do you know what, it has been so nice just you and I the past couple of weeks, we've been able to have friends round to stay, parties, our own space, I don't know if I'll bother to get any more and just have the one as we hardly ever see him. I don't need the money, it's just nice to have'

Inside I was thinking 'Yessss' as it has just been SO nice!

SO, cut to now.

We've literally (this morning) just got back from a weeks skiing holiday, the holiday was bliss, were on the plane on the way home and he says 'oh, btw, XXX (his lodger) has all his family down (wife and kids) this weekend.' I know it's harsh but my fist thought was 'oh god, I'm shattered and have to get back to yours to a bunch of strangers and kids running around (I'm not a kiddy person!) I just said 'yup okay, cool' as there's nothing I can do so no point creating an argument but I was dreading getting back to his.

We get back to his and he checks his phone and says 'oh yeh, I need to reply to all these emails re the spare rooms, got 2 girls wanting to come see both rooms tomorrow'

I left shortly after that, said I wanted to go back to my parents and unpack, say hello to them etc which I did, but really, I just 1) couldn't be doing with making conversation with strangers and 2) I just felt really peed off that, after all he said, he's got two girls coming around to view the rooms tomorrow.

To top if off, we are meant to be going to look at some puppies tomorrow (he's wanted a dog for ages and I am completely fanatical and have wanted him to get one too) why on earth would you be lining up new lodgers if you're thinking of getting an 8 week old puppy?! Puppies whine and poo etc a lot when they're young! I'm not sure lodgers would be okay with that?!

Also, 3 lodgers, him (and me 3 nights a week) and a puppy, it'd be like Piccadilly Circus!!

More than anything though, I am feeling peed off because I've so enjoyed the privacy and it just being us 2 the past month or so and I really am dreading having to go around his and deal with a bunch of strangers again and this time, potential, 2 blummin girls! I just want to have a normal set up with my OH is that wrong?

I feel fed up, we've only been together a year and he has talked of me moving in, I said no though as for me it's a bit too early (having been stung once there before) and also, I really want to save a bit more and pay off my debts before I move out again if possible.

Having said that, if we were still together come June/July time and things are still going well, I think I would take the plunge as I do adore him and spending time with him but there is no way id move in full time if he had lodgers.

At the moment, I stay there about 3 nights a week, I buy food/drink for us for the evenings I go around but don't contribute towards bills or anything. I understand that because of this I can't exactly have a say on him having lodgers but he has openly admitted that he doesn't need the money on more than one occasion and I can't help thinking he's putting financial gain (that he doesn't even need) before our relationship and happiness/privacy.

I'm 27 and he's 30, a lot of my friends are co habiting/ married and none of them have lodgers and they don't earn nearly as much as him. If it was either have them or lose the house I could totally understand, though he could downsize, what single person needs a 5 bed house?! But that's not the situation and I just feel a bit aggrieved.

AIBU?

Op: I hope you are feeling better this morning.
I think you've been given a hard time on here.
I think some replies are quite nasty and spiteful.
I agree with Tonight's post.
XH and I had lodgers six months after we were married, purely for the money. They were a lovely couple but it was horrible not having our own space.

Presumably your boyfriend bought a 5 bedroom house with the idea of having lodgers, which would go along way to paying the mortgage.
Personally I'd rather always live in a studio flat than have to share my home with lodgers.

Thank you tonight2u, it means a lot that someone finally understands.

I wouldn't have minded and would've just kept my mouth completely shut re lodger situation but after the last 2 moved out, he said within a few days how lovely it was, how the house felt more like a home for once than a doss house & how lovely it's been just us 2 and having me around more & that he wasn't going to advertise the rooms and just keep the 1 lodger who is hardly ever there. Yes, perhaps then I should've brought it all up but I thought, well he's come to this conclusion on his own, he doesn't need my two pennies worth. So I just agreed that it had been nice.

Re me being a hypocrite, I don't see how I am. I earn a lot less than him and trying to make ends meet, clear debts and save for a deposit. I NEED the extra money I've saved through living with parents, do people really think at 27 I enjoy that?! I don't think you realise how down it gets me. I'm trying to rectify my situation, that's all I can do.

And no, he definitely doesn't need the money, but I understand it's always nice to have!

I did NOT go in there all guns blazing demanding he get no more lodgers, I did say I'd prefer it if he didn't, especially after he's said he wasn't going to, but I never dictated, I was just honest.

Were going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

I can understand your feelings but saying "I'd prefer it if you didn't get lodgers" is very different to "oh how come you decided to get more lodgers now?"
The first one sounds a lot more demanding and prob got his back up with him thinking you're going to start trying to control him.

OP why the fuck did you even start this thread? Because you just seem to want people to agree with you.

Have to say - I think you bringing it up in the way of "I'd prefer it if you didn't get lodgers" would really get my back up. You would have been much better casually asking him why he changed his mind after he said he wasn't going to. You have only been a year together and anything could happen, and maybe he is thinking that he should maximise his earning potential before it gets more serious with you.

(Incidentally, I hope he declares this extra income to the taxman or he could be hit with an enormous bill and fine)

Pinky- no I don't. I understand that I am in the wrong to some extent, but FFS, I haven't drowned any puppies or made nasty remarks about anyone. If you can't put your point across without being nasty or sweating at me then just don't bother.

Swearing even*

I don't see who you are to dictate he doesn't need the money because he's more fortunate than you?

We're also doing rather nicely, I'd expect you'd say the same of us but we want a good retirement fund, it'd be nice if we could retire early and then travel, we'd like to set our daughter up to afford a home and go to uni or have a SAHP if she wants kids, we've had a number of relatives with a dreadful end of life needing to pay for care, we've been helping out family members.

At early 30's there's no way your boyfriend will have enough of a pension to ensure retirement matches life. There's no way he'll be mortgage free.

Either way, it's sensible to build up some equity for later in life, especially if your going to be with a partner that curtails your right to do so when you're only dating!

Tbh I think you need to tell him you think he doesn't need lodgers and see his reaction. He needs to know your attitude to be able to make informed choices as to whether you're worth compromising on his beliefs for.

All you ever had to do was say, 'when I move in would it be just the 2 of us?'

You're not demonstrating much maturity in being able to express yourself if you got shrieky at something so simple and aren't sharing your views on HIS choices. How is he to know the real you to know if he'd want to share his life with you?

I think you're both trying to dictate to each other but in reality you're the only one that's giving in - why are you letting him dictate you having a second job (a great idea) when you can't dictate how he lives.

If you're not going to move in together (don't, it's too soon) then you both have spare money to do cheap premier inn nights to have privacy and go out. Right now it should be about dating and having fun.

I am a bit concerned that your boyfriends a bit money oriented and may never want to live alone or with a partner - that amount of extra money is quite seductive, I think I'd find it hard to give up as it would basically buy me a holiday every month.

OP got shrieky because her boyfriend is getting girl lodgers this time.

I understand you about the lodgers, my MIL has lodgers and I find it uncomfortable when we go to visit that we have to have dinner with them. My MIL also provides meals with the lodging hence why this happens. These people aren't people i'd necessarily choose to spend time with and I feel awkward.

Perhaps the solution would be for just you two to look at renting a place together, your BF could fill his house completely including what was his old room with lodgers and still derive a rental income that would pay for own your place. If it doesn't work out then he is able to move back into his own property no problem. I don't see your relationship moving forward unless you get the chance for more privacy and if he is reluctant to do this then i'd move on

Wow, some harsh comments for the op on here.

Financial judgements aside, who in reality would be really happy at the thought of their partner/bf moving in two female lodgers when he had stated how happy he was with the recent status quo at his home? I know I wouldn't. Perhaps that makes me insecure but my gut instincts would tell me this was wrong.

I think you thought this was a permanent arrangement but you got it wrong and there is clearly a communication breakdown. Perhaps you did handle it badly, but equally so did he.

We don't need to examine every detail of the op's life here and be hyper critical of her financial arrangements - you don't owe anyone detailed answers here.

You are understandably disappointed and questioning your relationship but he has made it very clear to you that this is how he wishes to live his life. It does not really seem an equal relationship.

I'm not sure I understand the comments about OP not being allowed to say to get bf that she prefers it without lodges. The amount of time they have been together is irrelevant really - it's all down to the context of the relationship and op said they had touched on her moving in and her bf said he wouldn't want her to take a second job as they wouldn't see one another. I think he is entitled to ask her that just as she is entitled to her opinion here re lodgers.

To be blunt, IMO your bf sounds quite immature. This is assuming that a) he is serious about you and b) he genuinely doesn't need the money (maybe he does and is hiding somethjng like debt from you?)

Either way, I find it pretty odd at his age to be financially secure and in a relationship with prospects, to then be living with a group of strangers. My stance would be that he needs to respect his relationship and start growing up. Who does he think he is to tell you to fuck off because you just want a normal set up with your bf? I'd also worry like a poster above, that he may be far too stuck into the routine of having such a lot of extra money each other.

Try and talk calmly to him again. Why at his age and with his money he would want lodgers is beyond me - I'm too traditional in a relationship to want that. Worth mentioning that plenty of people have spare rooms and don't hsve lodges - there's a reason for that. If he desperately wants more cash each month he should downsize. Not many woman will want a man who lives like that, IMO.

Each nonetheless, not each other!

Each month not each other! On my phone sorry!

I wonder if bf has any plans to ever settle down into a full time relationship without a house full of lodgers or if he prefers the cash from a bunch of lodgers.

OP I am a bit confused as to what you actually want. Did you say that you didn't want him to have lodgers now or when you move in?

Earlier, you said I would only expect him to wave bye bye to lodgers if I were to move in and help with bills! but now you are saying that you don't want him to take any more lodgers in even though you are not actually living together and, let's face it, may never be.

Is it because they are female this time?

It sounds to me like you accepted that he had lodgers because you realise it is actually none of your business but that you hope and expect that when you live together there will be no lodgers.

That all changed when he said he was going to have female lodgers, have I got that right? So now you don't want him to have lodgers at all even though you don't live with him and because you know it is still unreasonable to suggest that, you are using the argument that he was so happy without lodgers, even though he now says he does want lodgers again?

So, in short, are you saying

a) you are happy for him to have male only lodgers until you move in together and then no lodgers at all

b) you are happy for him to have male or female lodgers until you move in together and then no lodgers at all

c) you are happy for him to have male lodgers now and after you move in together

d) you are happy for him to have male or female lodgers now and after you move in together

e) you don't want him to have any lodgers at all

Sorry, that wasn't very short after all but I can't tell if you are being reasonable here or not unless I know what it is that you actually want.

I think it's either a) or e)

What if the boyfriend said "babes, I can't relax at yours with your mum and dad there. You only owe £5K and can still afford ski trips, so I guess you earn enough to rent a bedside and service your debt - so why don't you do that, and have less money, so I can enjoy time alone with you? I'll pay something towards bills as I'll be there a lot - but you'll still have less disposable cash overall - OK?"

The numbers are different but the logic is the same.

The main point here, is OP hasn't actually properly talked to him, just read a lot into casual conversations about how it would be nice to be lodger free if they lived together.
They don't!

And I'm a bit at the idea that OP's rent will replace that of a lodger. The lodger pays the market rate, end of.

How many posts have we seen along the lines of "I feel like I'm paying my boyfriend's mortgage" only for the majority of replies to say "you need to be on the deeds" and "you should pay proportionate to your income".

This guy is just her boyfriend. She just needs to, you know, TALK to him.

Isn't it just really a massively responsible and sensible thing to do, to rent rooms in your house out and save money? Means help with housework, safer from burglary as people are home more often, all sorts of great stuff. Plus, if you live alone, it's often nice to have people around.

It's fine to say you'd rather not have lodgers when you move in with someone, though if someone moved in with me with this expectation I'd want to have a big chat about finances, because it would be a big loss of income that I'd want to make sure wasn't going to be a problem.

But yeah I mean.... I do live in London, but here it's a jolly lucky 27 year old who doesn't live with flatmates, and that's in houses they don't even own.

If you were moving in, then fine, that's a conversation to have. If not, I'm sorry but I don't see how you have any right to expect it. It's not 'I prefer a different brand of toilet paper'. It's 'I want you to reduce your income by a very significant degree because I find it inconvenient when I visit'.

I can see where you're coming from.

One thing you can do - take that second job. Yes, right now.

'But we'll never see each other' - so, fine for him to ask you to make financial sacrifices for the sake of your relationship, but not ok the other way around? Ok. Or, not ok, especially as his financial decisions you don't like are simply to put him further in the black, yours were to get you out of the red.

The thing with the lodgers - you have ONLY raised this because HE has been the one pushing for you spending more time there, talking about the future, mentioning you moving in. It's entirely fair for you to say - Just so you know, if you decide to get more lodgers, I won't be spending more time at yours in the way you want, because I don't feel comfy with it. Your decision, but fair to let you know before you go ahead, rent the rooms, then get pissy with me when I spend less time at yours'.

If that hasn't come over, write it down and make it clear to him. You're being straight with him over what you won't be doing with YOUR free time and free will - no more. Then point out to him that given his attitude over your second job, there's a teeny bit of hypocrisy there, and possibly worse - does he think you should take him into account in a way he has no intention of doing for you?

Finally, you make the point that what this has really highlighted is your uneasiness with such a vast disparity in finances. So again, you'll be taking the second job, and making sure that YOU prioritise - just like him - financial savviness OVER your consideration of his feelings. Seems that's sensible for both of you, and will hopefully put you on a more even footing if you do both want to continue the relationship.

Oh, and the massive verbal attack? Bad sign.

Dh and I were in a very similar situation, except smaller flat. He rented out one room, to the laziest slob guy ever, who would help himself to everything. I didn't say anything, but then the guy moved out, and a girl moved in. Within a week she had made a pass at dh, so I did comment I wasn't happy at all- in front of her, politely. He proposed about a month later anyway, we gave her notice (she was so pissed off) and I moved in, lodger free.

The thing is if you're not moving in it really isn't your place to say, my dh basically saved a huge amount by having lodgers, which enabled us to put a huge deposit down along with an inheritance of mine. Unless one of them oversteps the mark or makes a move on him, if they're female. This girl was well aware we had been serious for a good while, yet still made a pass at him, I'd be a bit concerned about females to be honest but that's my insecurity.