Feeling peed off with him...AIBU?

[AmonRa1]

I'll try and keep this as short as poss.

Been with OH for nearly a year now, he is amazing and we are very happy.

When I first met him, he had 3 male lodgers living in his house, 2 'professionals' who were there Mon-Thurs and one full time lodger. I admit, for me (I like privacy and clean as tidy personal space ) it took a big amount of getting used to, at times, it felt like I was back at uni. However, I'm currently (aged 27) back home for a bit living with my parents to try and clear some debt/ save for a mortgage so it's not like I had a free house either.

OH admitted early on that he doesn't need the money from the lodgers (he has a very well paid job) but that it was just nice to have and in the past couple of years he has managed to accumulate quite a bit of savings from having them. Kudos to him, I wish I was that savvy.

Anyway, his professional lodgers have always been pretty fine as you very rarely see them and they are (mostly) clean and tidy. His main, full time lodger though has been nothing but a PITA. He is quite honestly the most aggressive, most unfriendly man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. He took liberties all the time, was messy, dirty and just generally not very nice to have around and always causing problems.

Anyway, one of his professional lodgers moved out a couple of months ago as he has relocated back to his home town, fair enough. That just left one of the professionals and the idiot, full time one.

Early Dec, OH found out that full time lodger had been stealing from him (he had suspected for ages and even confronted him at one point but he denied it) so he gave him his notice (hurrah!) He moved out a month ago, leaving just one full time lodger who is hardly ever there and honestly, it has been BLISS. I started to feel comfortable spending time there and started to spend more time there (something that OH had been wanting me to do for ages but I just didn't feel comfortable around there) After a couple of weeks he said 'do you know what, it has been so nice just you and I the past couple of weeks, we've been able to have friends round to stay, parties, our own space, I don't know if I'll bother to get any more and just have the one as we hardly ever see him. I don't need the money, it's just nice to have'

Inside I was thinking 'Yessss' as it has just been SO nice!

SO, cut to now.

We've literally (this morning) just got back from a weeks skiing holiday, the holiday was bliss, were on the plane on the way home and he says 'oh, btw, XXX (his lodger) has all his family down (wife and kids) this weekend.' I know it's harsh but my fist thought was 'oh god, I'm shattered and have to get back to yours to a bunch of strangers and kids running around (I'm not a kiddy person!) I just said 'yup okay, cool' as there's nothing I can do so no point creating an argument but I was dreading getting back to his.

We get back to his and he checks his phone and says 'oh yeh, I need to reply to all these emails re the spare rooms, got 2 girls wanting to come see both rooms tomorrow'

I left shortly after that, said I wanted to go back to my parents and unpack, say hello to them etc which I did, but really, I just 1) couldn't be doing with making conversation with strangers and 2) I just felt really peed off that, after all he said, he's got two girls coming around to view the rooms tomorrow.

To top if off, we are meant to be going to look at some puppies tomorrow (he's wanted a dog for ages and I am completely fanatical and have wanted him to get one too) why on earth would you be lining up new lodgers if you're thinking of getting an 8 week old puppy?! Puppies whine and poo etc a lot when they're young! I'm not sure lodgers would be okay with that?!

Also, 3 lodgers, him (and me 3 nights a week) and a puppy, it'd be like Piccadilly Circus!!

More than anything though, I am feeling peed off because I've so enjoyed the privacy and it just being us 2 the past month or so and I really am dreading having to go around his and deal with a bunch of strangers again and this time, potential, 2 blummin girls! I just want to have a normal set up with my OH is that wrong?

I feel fed up, we've only been together a year and he has talked of me moving in, I said no though as for me it's a bit too early (having been stung once there before) and also, I really want to save a bit more and pay off my debts before I move out again if possible.

Having said that, if we were still together come June/July time and things are still going well, I think I would take the plunge as I do adore him and spending time with him but there is no way id move in full time if he had lodgers.

At the moment, I stay there about 3 nights a week, I buy food/drink for us for the evenings I go around but don't contribute towards bills or anything. I understand that because of this I can't exactly have a say on him having lodgers but he has openly admitted that he doesn't need the money on more than one occasion and I can't help thinking he's putting financial gain (that he doesn't even need) before our relationship and happiness/privacy.

I'm 27 and he's 30, a lot of my friends are co habiting/ married and none of them have lodgers and they don't earn nearly as much as him. If it was either have them or lose the house I could totally understand, though he could downsize, what single person needs a 5 bed house?! But that's not the situation and I just feel a bit aggrieved.

AIBU?

I said that him having lodgers made ME uncomfortable

Oh the old "makes me uncomfortable" way of dressing up your diva-ish demands as a lickle frail pwincess just saying things that are in her heart.

Him having lodgers only "makes you uncomfortable" in the sense that you'd prefer to have his house to yourself when you stay over.

It's his house. It's his home.

You are a guest when you visit.

If being there makes you uncomfortable, then don't go over.

You don't get a say in how that house is run.

His lodgers have more of a right to be pissed off with you being there half the week.

Get a grip of yourself. Your feelings here are completely spoilt snd unreasonable.

I am fully aware it's his house, I'm fully aware he'll do what he wants , I'm fully aware that because I make no financial contribution that I have no say.

I know for a fact all of my friends wouldn't be happy if their BFs had lodgers, whether that makes us all spoilt princesses or what, I'm past caring. At the end of the day, I've offered to do what HE has asked me to do before now and MOVE IN and share the costs in a few months time, however if I move in permanently, I wouldn't want to live with lodgers.

His choice

I tell you what, if his house made you so uncomfortable invite him round to yours for privacy.

Oh yeah, you can't because you share you space well your parents for the same reason he does.

You're dating, you're not in a partnership and you are making a choice on how you live for your financial well being, just as he is. How mercenary of you!

Is he shrieking at you because your home isn't private and he feels uncomfortable?

Talk about double standards.

It was extremely presumptuous of you to critique how he arranges his domestic affairs. You haven't been a couple for that long and you don't live in that house with him. He sounds pretty astute while you're living at home with your parents, trying to pay off debts.

If he's still interested in continuing to have a relationship with you, you should count your lucky stars. If I was a bloke I'd have kicked you to the kerb by now.

Christ OP sort your attitude to this relationship out! You've gone from one wealthy guy to another wealthy guy, meanwhile you've always been in debt. Why are you in so much debt?! Starting to think you're seeing this guy as a cash cow.

I've had exs like you. Didn't have thier own place but slowly started staying more at mine and then thinking that the fact we were together gave them rights to my flat despite them contributing fuck all. Pissed me off no end.

What's the female equivalent of a cocklodger? Clitlodger?

OP you're not bringing a relaxing private place to live to this relationship but you're expecting him to. You're starting to sound very immature. If anyone's mercenary it's you.

It doesn't matter what I say, you've obviously all made your minds up.

Jesus, if I was a gold digger id have stayed with my last ex who wouldn't have ever expected me to work, I'd be sat here right now with a massive rock on my finger, typing from my 8 bedroom farmhouse, complete with sauna, steam room, swimming pool OH and have my horses at his too, rent free. No, I moved on.

I work, bloody hard. I want to get a second job but whenever I've suggested it, OH says no please don't as we wouldn't see each Other, but I could really do with that second job.

I would only expect him to wave bye bye to lodgers if I were to move in and help with bills! Hardly asking him to bank roll me!

OP please answer my question - why are you in so much debt?

There isn't anything wrong with you telling him the lodgers make you feel uncomfortable if they do. Nor that, like him, you liked the privacy when they weren't there.

But when you talk about him being mercenary for having lodgers, and when you say that you can't see the relationship going forward if he won't get rid of them, then you sound like you are criticising him and his life. And you also sound kind of mercenary yourself - as though because he has money he should be spending it giving you what you want but can't afford for yourself.

Get a second job if you need to.

That is your decision to make based on your financial needs.

Why are you going on ski holidays if you are in debt?

I agree with PPs. You were presumptuous. You want somewhere to be private with your BF? Move out of your parents house.

Who the fuck gives a shit whether your friends would be happy with their boyfriends having lodgers or not. Why should he sell his house because you think 3 bedrooms are enough for him. It's his life, it sounds like he's pretty successful, one bad tenant excepting.

I must ask - despite your enormous debts did you pay for your share of the holiday or did he pay for most or all of it? If it's the latter then I'm not surprised he's angry. Home from a lovely holiday paid for by his financial arrangements which you've come home and shouted at him about within hours of the plane touching down. Not nice.

What on earth?! I paid for my own holiday thank you very much!!!!

I'm £5k in debt, yes it's a sizeable amount but not absolutely catastrophic. Im not £25k in debt, drowning and expecting him to bail me out.

Seriously, stop being so presumptuous.

Only 5k debt and that's had you running back to Mum? You said you were on a decent wage, surely 5 grand is manageable debt? If not then it should only be a few months until it's more manageable. Then you can look for another flat and start paying your way again. Hey why don't you rent a 2 bed and get a lodger? The extra money would really come in handy.

OP it would be ok to tell him that should you move in together in a few months time you would not want to share the house with lodgers. When you are living together as a couple, you get an equal say. However, if you are asking him to get rid of lodgers before then, that is being unreasonable.

It would have also been ok to gently let him know how much you value having privacy together at his house and that, whilst you understand that he does have lodgers, you much prefer it when they are not there. You should have said this a long time ago tbh instead of dropping it on him like a bomb.

YABU!!!! When my exH left, I took in lodgers in my spare room. I didn't really need the money, but in the aftermath of the relationship breakdown, it was nice to have the money as my 'emergency' fund and the company... If anyone dare critiqued what I was doing and dare insinuate I was being mercenary (I have two young DCs but have strict rules regarding them and lodgers I.e. I never left them in the house alone with lodger, they couldn't go into lodger's room etc...), I would have told them to f**k off to the far side of never! And many of my lodgers are now my friends...

I think you make a lot of assumptions in your posts, that he should keep the rooms empty so if the relationship goes well, you will move in... Why should he? It's his house? He obviously likes having people around (like me! ). I think he's being canny with his money... Why on earth should he downsize to a three-bed just in case you have a future together? You are dating! Sorry, but you sound like you are placing too many expectations on him... I would be well pissed off if someone insinuated I was being mercenary by renting my empty rooms out to lodgers. It helps me in paying off my mortgage... And have a better lifestyle for me and my DCs than having two empty rooms. Hope you sort it out though. Sounds like you guys see money very differently. Best sort it out one than later!

I think you are both tired and cranky after the holiday, and you had built yourself up to bring the subject up so it came out wrong and made him feel attacked.

Maybe when he said he would leave the rooms empty he wanted you to suggest moving in, but when you didn't he thought he had miscalculated where the relationship was and has backtracked.

You are getting a hard time but I can see what you mean OP. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I guess he didn't know how uncomfortable it made you and he just saw it as easy money.

When I was younger and single I always had lodgers. It just makes financial sense.

When my boyfriend (don't understand the use of OH when you have been dating less than a year) moved in to my house the lodgers left. We then saved and bought a house together.

You sound very precious. You can have privacy with lodgers. Just go to his bedroom. What privacy does he get at your parents house.

It isn't often I feel sorry for men but in this case I feel sorry for your boyfriend. He sounds financially aware and sensible and in reality is a good catch. Is it because the new lodgers could be female.

You have known him less than a year. Stop trying to control him.

i dont think hes mercenary or ur a diva. after all, he bought the subject of lodgers up. then he changes his mind. he doesnt need ur permission to change his mind, but he could have let u know he was reconsidering before he actually set up viewings. u both sound serious about each other so he should be confiding in u over this.

and for the record, op is not asking him to get rid of lodgers. shes questioning why he wants to bring in new ones after saying that he didnt want ti replace the ones that had left.

If your future plans depend on you getting a second job, then that would seem like a sensible way forward. It'll give you more power in terms of choosing your housing arrangements.

Your partner has chosen to make his extra income by having lodgers, which is his choice. But he doesn't then get to dictate to you that you cannot work extra hours .

If he told you to "get the fuck out of his house" I'd end it.

If you were "a bit shrieky" and called him mercenary and the word fuck is commonly used by you both in a not very aggressive way and be said "oh just fucking well go home then", he has a point.

I think you're bang out of order for saying he is mercenary because he chooses to have lodgers and make money he doesn't need. So what? That's not mercenary, it's a sound approach to finances.

And as others have said, it's not like you're bringing a quiet family home to the table.

I know someone who earns 6 figures and has a houseful. He'd like to retire early. But also, he just loves a big house of people, and loves being the "host" even of lodgers. He's great fun. His boyfriends tend to fit in with that, because he dates men who appreciate his personality.

One year in is way too early to be thinking you can dictate how he lives.

It's absolutely fair to say "hey, if we work out, once my debt is paid and we're certain about each other, I want to get a place just us two together - maybe leave your place let out? It's really important to me, if we decide to take it to the next step, that it's just us. How do you feel?"

But it's not your choice now.

Anyway, let's face it, the reason you're a "bit shrieky" over this is because it's blumming girls, isn't it?

Ok, maybe you didn't communicate things as well as you should have, but it's done now. Hopefully the two of you can patch things up.

BUT, it's true what pps say in that you have no right to say how he should run his house. If he wants lodgers, so be it, his decision.

The thing you need to do is decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship based on that fact. Is he worth it, in other words.

I agree that you need to pay off your debts and then get your own place (even if you've got a roommate or two), regardless of any opportunities to move in with him. You need to live independently, not move from your parents to your boyfriends.

But the most important thing you need to clarify (not right now) is whether or not he plans to continue with lodgers IF you move in with him. If the talks get serious, you need to ask him. Not 'them or me', not 'you're NOT keeping lodgers after I move in, are you?'. Just 'Do you plan to continue renting to lodgers?'. Then make your decision.

OP - I'm going to be honest here and say I disagree with most of the posters opinions on this one.

I think it's completely fair to assume that when he gives the impression he's enjoyed the space without the lodgers, that when he the tells you more are potentially moving in, you react as you have.

Obviously I'm not sure exactly how the chat went, and no, you can't tell him how he should and should not live, but you are more than entitied to be upset that after having proper space as a couple, you now have to go back to effectively living like students.

I would also find it hard to understand a man who enjoys having lodgers when he has a gf. That's not an attractive quality at all, and I'm quite traditional in the sense that a relationship should be as private as possible. I would struggle to be with a man who didn't agree with that.

Re you living at home to clear debts and save - I don't see how that is hypocritical. You don't earn as much as him and don't own your own home. He does. He's doesn't need to save this extra cash, you do. It's completely different.

However, because he is used to these lodgers and used to their cash, it is perhaps too much to say you want to remove that from him without you making a change yourself. IMO, you say you want to move in properly and will pay x amount (what you can afford while clearing debs), and see what he says? Then you are offering to act more as a team and as a joint decision, rather than asking something of him but not adjusting your own position for the relationship at the same time.

I don't think this is about his attitude to money for you, I think it bothers you that he won't alter the privacy issue (which coincidentally relates to money).

Hope you are ok - I understand where you are coming from and I hope if you can have a better chat about the relationship that he may be more understanding.