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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I am being taken for a fool

31 replies

Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 12:53

I have 3 children that are not far off university age. I am mid-divorce but having to do a lot of the work myself. STBXH has said he will not contribute anything to the children when at university. He earns double what I do and I know that student finance will take that into consideration but I really don't think I can afford three children at university at the same time. I am struggling financially without that to pay. Children won't take him to court for the money. Is there anything I can do or ask for in the financial settlement to help with this?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 31/01/2015 12:57

I believe grants are assessed based on the residual income of the parent they live with most of the time.

Flimflammer · 31/01/2015 13:13

I'm sure you can ask for financial support for the children until they finish full time education and it will be seen as reasonable. Really though, isn't it something for the children to discuss with him, to ask him if he's proposing to let them go without while they are studying. If he wants any kind of happy relationship with them into adulthood he won't piss them off at this point. Does he have a good relationship with them?

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 13:15

Make the contribution part of the divorce, don't agree to anything less.

If you think he's going to weasel out like a fuckwank then go for clean break with much more money/assets directed your way for university contributions?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 13:27

When you say you're doing a lot of the work yourself do you mean you don't have a solicitor?

Original poster
Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 13:27

He only cares about his new life with OW. He has said many times he will not contribute anything as he does not believe in university. There is a polite relationship between him and the children. They are not close enough for them to ask him directly as he has distanced himself so much from them. His OW will not permit money to be diverted to his children as they have big plans. Can I actually ask a judge for university contributions as part of the settlement? Has anyone successfully done that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 13:29

No money for a solicitor so have been going it alone and hoping that we will reach an agreement. It has been going on a long time and still not made much progress. I hate to think how much this would have cost with a solicitor involved.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 13:31

Yes definitely!

I'm sure someone legal will be along to tell you definitely but my mother in law got £250 a month for DH 20 years ago in the settlement for 4 year course. So 3 children times what £400? Is 1200 a month for 3 years - the judge ordered it to be paid to DH though so an account was set up

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 13:32

'Hoping that we will reach agreement'

Er, is there any chance you're getting screwed over by compromising too much?

University costs are totally normal, if he's against them I'm wondering if you're getting your fair share in other areas?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 13:35

You can't afford to to hire a solicitor. See if you can persuade one to take most of their fee out of the final settlement. You need good advice to tske to the private mediation rather than winging it and making assumptions. Like the saying goes 'the man that represents himself has a fool for a lawyer'.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 13:35

Should have said you can't afford not to hire a solicitor.

Original poster
Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 13:52

I have spoken to many solicitors but they want money up front. No-one was interested in getting money after the settlement as I think they could see this would be a long drawn out expensive affair. Would it be worth paying for representation at the financial hearing only?

He wants 50/50. In order to do that I would have to sell the house and the four of us live in a two bedroom flat as there is not enough money to go around.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 14:01

You are being utterly screwed at 50/50 with 3 kids to support through uni.

Of course he wants to agree it between you. Hmm

Have you even had the initial half hour?

You need to read the threads on here to see what is usual and 70:30 is more often banded about - where do the teenagers live when not at uni? They are only there 30 weeks a year, that's 22 weeks they need to be at home?

You absolutely need a bigger settlement that must include proper financial support til end of uni - it's not in your interests to get divorced or sell the family home without a proper settlement. I would stop proceeding until you got some cold, hard facts from someone experienced - not me, I know nothing apart from what I've read on here.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 14:06

If youve not moved out of the family home then stay.

Let him proceed with the divorce, it will take years - maybe long enough til they've finished uni, which a judge may likely award you anyway.

If you're anything like me I got screwed in my divorce because I was overly accommodating - moved out, took nothing, wanting all the time to look reasonable and my ex of course still painted me as unreasonable constantly- as he wanted me to move out of the house the second he decided it was over and move his girlfriend in Hmm

Seriously, I got fucked because I stupidly cared what he thought 15 years ago - and I struggled for years because of my submissiveness.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 14:07

Blush sorry

Original poster
Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 14:10

I am now worried. The solicitors I spoke to said the family home had to be sold when the children are 18 - they are near that age. I always wondered what happens to the children when they come back for holidays. He wants 50/50 as he thinks 18 is the end of the parenting role and the need to provide a home for children. Would a judge think it was unfair for him to only have 30% for the sake of children at university for 3 years needing a room during holidays?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 14:11

I really think you need to beg, steal or borrow the money to get the solicitor. You can add the cost of any borrowing to your claim and settle it at the end. You're potentially talking thousands of pounds and it is too big an amount to leave to goodwill and hopes.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 14:15

This shouldn't get as far as a judge. Your solicitor should be able to advise what is fair, and that's the key word .... 'fair'. All parents know that financial responsibility doesn't magically stop on the 18th birthday. A young person in full time education is still a dependent, albeit to a lesser extent than when they are were children. You may not be able to argue that you should keep on a very large family home so that they have somewhere to stay in the holidays but there should be a fair compromise that includes the costs of further education and realistic accommodation needs.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 14:21

There's so many things to take into account.

If he earns double your salary have you compromised your career because you've been at home more? If so then because it's harder to catch up magically once they've left you may be entitled to more anyway because he can continue to earn more?

Ditto pension - if he's got a large pot, obviously you want half of that as that's family money gone into it.

If he's difficult about paying money now on and you think he will wriggle out of paying while there at uni then you want a clean break where the majority of existing monies are yours right now.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 14:22

Isn't it usually "18 or when they've finished full time education"?

OP, I think you're going to get a much worse deal if you don't get a solicitor. Please, please reconsider this. It could affect you for the rest of your life.

If your children go to university they will get their grants/loans based on your income and the number of children living with you (at school.) If you don't earn much, they earn much more. They can get part-time jobs at university - loads of students do that. A good idea is for them to work now for a supermarket as they can transfer to their university town and back again. If they are academic, please don't encourage them not to go to university.

If your children are still dependent, even though they are university, that should be taken into account. Your husband sounds as though he's lost every moral he ever had.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2015 14:26

And if it makes it easier you need to think of it as doing right by your children, even if your ex whinges and demands that they not go to uni on his cash.

You need to be more hard nosed and thick skinned if he just wants to abdicate responsibility.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 14:34

He and his new woman sound like a couple of prizes, tbh. I'd want to do it just to spite them, never mind anything else!

TheFairyBlackstick · 31/01/2015 14:47

Some information here about applications for continuing maintenance for children at university. Note the need to make the application before the child turns 18, otherwise they will have to do it themselves, which could be hard if STBXH puts pressure on them to drop it.
www.fishermeredith.co.uk/legal-advice/3674

fluffapuss · 31/01/2015 17:17

Hello Ghost

Look here, for course costs & living costs

www.studentfinanceni.co.uk/portal/page?_pageid=54,1266341&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL

Do your children want to go to university ? what about apprenticeship, jobs ?

Do your children want to have to start their working lives paying back student loans ? - this obviously depends what sort of course they complete

3 children

I would get some proper financial advice

Hope this helps

Original poster
Ghostlife · 31/01/2015 19:19

Thanks everyone you have been so helpful x

OP posts:
sakura · 01/02/2015 08:07

I agree with ImperialBlether that they sound like " a couple of prizes". Fancy begrudging the children their education... Others' advice to get a solicitor and make sure you fight him on this seems sound to me.