Morose DH, had enough!

[chasingtail]

Apologies to previous OPs for shamelessly copying their threads but tbh their threads seem to sum up my situation pretty dam well.

The problem is my dh is getting progressively more and more grumpy and moody. He is so negative it is draining.

I have tried to speak to him many times about the way he is with us, but it generally escalates to a row and he turns it back on me saying I'm the withdrawn, sulky one. If I try to even gently tackle this he becomes incredibly defensive.

For background he does own his own business which is stressful, with long hours. I understand this and as a SAHM (both our decision) I try to make home as comfortable as possible but there's only so much I can take.

When he gets in he walks in the door I ask him how he Is and the stock reply is always "tired", followed by "I'm starving" followed by him taking himself off the lounge to watch the news. From that point on I have to explicitly ask him to involve himself in the DCs or he would just take no notice of them.
Any request is met with huffs and puffs.
He just moans or rants constantly, making sarcastic remarks under his breath about "things not being put away", "can't find anything in this bloody house".

I feel the whole atmosphere shift when he gets home, I'm second guessing his mood to avoid the result of his behaviour. Even the dog is scared of him!

He has an opinion on EVERYTHING (never a positive one) mostly going along the lines of "what a load of bollocks", which is exhausting.

Weekends are even worse as we have 2 whole days to deal with. It's always me who has to suggest things to do as a family, he spends most of the time with a pinched arse face, looking like he's in pain. Last week for instance, we went out with another family to a local forest park and frankly it was embarrassing. The other DH was amiable, jovial and engaged with his DCs. Whenever he tried to start a conversation with my DH he either got monosyllabic answers or a mini rant. Poor bloke gave up in the end

Everything just seems to annoy him and everything regarding us is too much trouble for him. Yet, he is not a lazy man and works so hard to provide for us. I know relationships are not perfect but all I would like is a bit of positivity and lightness

What do I do? I love him but don't actually like him very much. He's exhausting to be around and seems to think no one can be as stressed or exhausted as him . He has a business partner who also has a family but I get the impression from his DW that although there are down times, he manages to enjoy being with his family.

I feel like a single parent. I can't stand it anymore but short of leaving what can I do? But putting up with a miserable person, day in day out is exhausting and unfair on our DCs.

Any thoughts or advice SO welcome

Can you tell him that if he isn't happy he needs to reconsider where he lives as it is affecting his marriage, his wife and the kids. Competitive tiredness is so draining, don't you think?

This sounds so stressful for you. Have you actually sat down with him and said the things you're telling us?

Could he be depressed?

I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this. He sounds very like my DH who can be a miserable git quite often. If he is having a hard time at work he will be very grumpy when he gets home, doesn't want to do much at the weekend and shouts at the news a lot because everyone on there is an idiot, apparently.

I handle it by arranging things for the kids and me to do and asking him if he would like to come too or is he too tired? Then it's up to him and the kids and I don't miss out.

Also try and arrange things for just the two of you. Perhaps the cinema or a meal out? Some people find kids exhausting if they have had a stressful day so that might help.

If that doesn't work you could try chatting to a family member. My inlaws are a great outlet for both if us, and they tell him if he's being a misery guts.

At the end of the day though you need to tell him how this is affecting the family. He needs to help deal with it, or understand what he is going to lose if he doesn't.

I just think life really is too short to spend it with someone so mean-spirited and grumpy. If you sat him down and went through all the points in your OP with him, how he makes the atmosphere in the house, how you felt embarrassed about his behaviour last weekend and all the rest, what do you think his response would be? Because the correct one would be mortification but I expect you'll just get defensiveness. In which case I see little hope for getting him to change.

This doesn't mean putting up with it though. My exh was a bit like this, runs his own business, was tired and grumpy all the time, wouldn't really engage with the kids and spent his free time in the pub or on the sofa instead of joining us on trips out.

Now we're separated he is a great dad, has the kids 40% of the time and does loads with them and they have a much better relationship. We just didn't 'work' as a family unit.

Does he know it's got so bad you're thinking of leaving?

Thank you so much for your prompt responses!
I do wonder if he is depressed, he's not interested in socialising and has recently put on weight (he's always been in good physical shape but now does no exercise).

I'm now at the point where I realise that I can't fix whatever is going on with him as nothing we do seems to make him happy.

I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel, but then also ask him is there a reason why he is like he is. It might give him the opportunity to open up.

If he wants to, a trip to the GP could be beneficial.

Sounds like mine.
Divorce imminent.
Life's too short.

That's the ironic thing Ooer, if we separated he would be forced to step up and become an involved father (well he would if he wanted any relationship with his DCs).
I also resent the thought of having to organise desperate activities for me and DCs because frankly I could do with a bit if a break sometimes. Although do appreciate it could be a better alternative to having Mr Morose in tow.

I just wish he could take a step back and view his behaviour objectively - he's turning into the sort of DH/DF he's always been scathing about.

Sounds depressed. Get him to the GP.
But in the meantime, if you haven't already told him how his behaviour makes you feel, it might be a good idea to do so.
My DH has suffered from bouts of depression over the years, and he acknowledges that it can make cyou very self absorbed. Maybe he needs to know that he is not being fair to you. ( am assuming that he is a decent bloke on the first place AND that he has not always been like this).
DH also says that eating marmite has really helped his mood, I think its the Vitamin B? For him, that works quickly, quicker than you can get a doctors appointment round here!

Has he always been like this? Has he ever engaged in family life?

I will try and talk to him about seeing the GP, hopefully he won't see the suggestion as a personal attack.
We've been together 25 years, married for 15, so we've pretty much grown up together. He's always been opinionated and a tendency to be a bit grumpy but generally the good times outweighed the bad.

He will see it as a personal attack and he's not likely to do anything about it.

Even if he did go to the GP and get antidepressants and his 12 CBT sessions, realistically he's not likely to change much. It's not going to fundamentally change his personality.

Oh you're not like a single parent - they don't have to put up with crap like this!

My ex husband had a problem with depression and it manifested itself in that kind of life-sucking behaviour. I told him that if he didn't go to the doctor, I would divorce him as I couldn't bear my own life. He was shocked into going to the doctor and I think just talking about it helped him a lot. He was put on ADs and they made an incredible difference, to the extent that I could tell if he hadn't taken them for a couple of days.

Twinkle - he's never been one of those spontaneous type Dad's like "come on kids, let's go swimming/bowling/to the park.
I've always been secretly envious of families where the DF is so involved but have learnt over the years the grass isn't always greener.

Sounds depressed to me too as withdrawal from the good things is an indicator of that, as is not being to be able to communicate with your nearest and dearest.

Rather than talking about his behaviour, which is negative, try telling you're worried and know something's wrong because you can see he's not happy and he's not appreciating how wonderful your kids and marriage is.

You need to be trying to share his feelings, not talking about the results of those feelings.

I'd give him an ultimatum. He can't possibly think his behaviour is acceptable, he needs to help himself.

Wot Mintyy said.

Would couples counselling be a possibility?

It sounds to me as if he has checked out of this relationship and now just hasn't got the gumption to end it. I have seen this before with men and women and imo they rarely check back in. Try everything to get professional help, although i suspect he may refuse.

If this is the case then you obviously need to plan your future life around the fact that he will not change. Could you live like that? (plenty do i suspect) I know i couldn't and would end the relationship no matter what difficulties that would cause.

I think you have to put your foot down and tell him its not acceptable behaviour. We all have stresses and strains and have to deal with them. He sounds like a sulky teenager. I know because I have one! He does that Kevin thing of being stroppy. Or turns stuff around on me. Its called gas lighting aka never taking responsibility for your actions. Trouble is he's nice to pretty much everyone but me. Makes me want to scream at times.

H suffers from depression..takes ADs.
But he uses it as an excuse for bad behaviour... I got sick of hearing "I can't help it, its the way I am".

They take it out on the closest, 'safest' person. Doesn't make it right.

My DH went through a phase like this, and can be very grumpy. He is also a great one for competitive illness and tiredness. Recently on top of generally being a misery guts to live with, he started doing this very manipulating and controlling thing which involved nagging me about going to bed earlier and earlier each night, and telling me that if I didn't, I couldn't expect not to be tired (it wasn't my bedtime that made me tired, it was working FT and commuting a long way and doing all the running around and putting up with his moods, IYSWIM). It came to a head when he grumpily tried to send me to bed at 8.50pm at the same time as our 5YO while we were on holiday at Christmas in a nice hotel.

At that point I lost it and told him I had had enough. I told him he needed to stop imposing his grumpiness and irritability on the rest of us, that my 11pm-7am sleeping patterns were completely normal for a woman of 47 and he needed to stop interfering and telling me what to do just because he liked to lie in bed for up to 15 hours a day (I am not exaggerating, BTW), that he needed to get a grip and start joining in with things and stop moaning the whole time, that it was setting a bad example to the children, and that if he felt that miserable and depressed he needed to go to the doctor and do something about it rather than having it hang over family life like a cloud.

He was quite shocked and went away to have a think. 24 hours later he apologised and he has completely stopped all that nonsense and while he will always be a hypochondriac, it doesn't really impact much on us any more.

I think you present him with a few stark choices. Either he sees a doctor, gets some kind of treatment and engages more in family life or he engages more in family life unilaterally without treatment. If neither happens, the future of your marriage will be at risk.

If he had been super-involved and then he withdrew well that could be purely a manifestation of depression, but it sounds to me like he was never that invested in the family.

It sounds as if his life is his work, he doesn't really connect or involve himself with the children, and he expects the OP, as a SAHM, to run round after him, feed him when he gets home, make sure the house is tidy, while he goes off and watches TV. He 'huffs an puffs' when he's asked to do anything, and everything regarding the family is 'too much trouble for him'. When they do go out as a family he looks like he's 'in pain' with a face like 'a pinched arse'. He imposes his moods and his anger on the whole family.

If that's how he sees family life there's not much you can do about it. Ameliorating any underlying depression may not result in any major change of MO. Plus, if he doesn't want to change, all the therapy in the world is not going to make any difference.

So have just had it out with him. Says he's not depressed just very very tired, but says I'm just as rude and grumpy as him .
Not sleeping brilliantly but says work is ok at the moment.
I think he still needs to see GP but in the meantime do some sort of regular exercise (sitting on his arse for 12 hours a day is def not helping). Well that was red rag to a bull "when do I get time to exercise?... I work all day and am then expected to do things with kids at weekends.... Etc"

When I said it seemed like he didn't want to be with me or DCs he got upset and said he definately didn't feel that way. Actions speak louder IMO though