Morose DH, had enough!

[chasingtail]

Apologies to previous OPs for shamelessly copying their threads but tbh their threads seem to sum up my situation pretty dam well.

The problem is my dh is getting progressively more and more grumpy and moody. He is so negative it is draining.

I have tried to speak to him many times about the way he is with us, but it generally escalates to a row and he turns it back on me saying I'm the withdrawn, sulky one. If I try to even gently tackle this he becomes incredibly defensive.

For background he does own his own business which is stressful, with long hours. I understand this and as a SAHM (both our decision) I try to make home as comfortable as possible but there's only so much I can take.

When he gets in he walks in the door I ask him how he Is and the stock reply is always "tired", followed by "I'm starving" followed by him taking himself off the lounge to watch the news. From that point on I have to explicitly ask him to involve himself in the DCs or he would just take no notice of them.
Any request is met with huffs and puffs.
He just moans or rants constantly, making sarcastic remarks under his breath about "things not being put away", "can't find anything in this bloody house".

I feel the whole atmosphere shift when he gets home, I'm second guessing his mood to avoid the result of his behaviour. Even the dog is scared of him!

He has an opinion on EVERYTHING (never a positive one) mostly going along the lines of "what a load of bollocks", which is exhausting.

Weekends are even worse as we have 2 whole days to deal with. It's always me who has to suggest things to do as a family, he spends most of the time with a pinched arse face, looking like he's in pain. Last week for instance, we went out with another family to a local forest park and frankly it was embarrassing. The other DH was amiable, jovial and engaged with his DCs. Whenever he tried to start a conversation with my DH he either got monosyllabic answers or a mini rant. Poor bloke gave up in the end

Everything just seems to annoy him and everything regarding us is too much trouble for him. Yet, he is not a lazy man and works so hard to provide for us. I know relationships are not perfect but all I would like is a bit of positivity and lightness

What do I do? I love him but don't actually like him very much. He's exhausting to be around and seems to think no one can be as stressed or exhausted as him . He has a business partner who also has a family but I get the impression from his DW that although there are down times, he manages to enjoy being with his family.

I feel like a single parent. I can't stand it anymore but short of leaving what can I do? But putting up with a miserable person, day in day out is exhausting and unfair on our DCs.

Any thoughts or advice SO welcome

But tiredness is a sign of depression. It's one of the first things they ask you. And if he's so tired (from doing a relatively normal job) that he can't enjoy life, then maybe something else is the matter.

It sounds like depression. Go back in and tell him he needs to see the doctor!

"I work and am then expected to do things with kids at weekends.... Etc"

Some fathers want to spend time with their kids, it's not something that feel 'expected' to do by other people as if it were some kind of chore.

My husband works very long hours and exercises and spends time with the children, I'm not sure why your husband is making such a big deal of it?

This is from the NHS website:

If you experience some of these symptoms for most of the day, every day for more than two weeks, you should seek help from your GP.

Psychological symptoms include:

•continuous low mood or sadness
•feeling hopeless and helpless
•having low self-esteem

•feeling tearful
•feeling guilt-ridden
•feeling irritable and intolerant of others

•having no motivation or interest in things
•finding it difficult to make decisions
•not getting any enjoyment out of life
•feeling anxious or worried

•having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:

•moving or speaking more slowly than usual

•change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)

•constipation

•unexplained aches and pains
•lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido)
•changes to your menstrual cycle
•disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:

•not doing well at work
•taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
•neglecting your hobbies and interests
•having difficulties in your home and family life

You don't need all of these factors.

I don't know about anyone else, but I know what the symptoms of depression are. But seeing the GP, getting some ADs and a bit of therapy is not going to magically transform his personality and choices.

Sounds like depression to me too. It's his responsibility to recognise it and do something about it though. Ignoring his own symptoms and going into denial is not fair to the OP.

I also think it is ultimatum time. I'm sure you've tiptoed round him quite enough and tried all sorts of tactics to get him to cheer the fuck up!

He knows how this makes you feel, he's been inflicting himself on you, the DCs and the dog for a long time. He doesn't seem to have a conscience about it. Time to tell him that he needs to take responsibility for his moods and behaviour, and that if he doesn't you will consider whether it is worth continuing to be married to him. He needs to stop blaming you and needs to stop pretending his behaviour is acceptable. If he's depressed, HE needs to take himself to the GP. If he's not depressed, then he needs to shape up and be a proper husband and father - if not, he is in danger of losing you.

Sorry to sound dramatic, but I think you've tried everything else and he needs to know that you know you are worth more than this.

My ex was like this.

I gave him an ultimatum: sort out your anger or we are over.

He went to the GP and started antidepressants. Things got better for a while.

Then as he continued on the tablets things reverted to exactly the same: nothing was good enough, wouldn't lift a finger round the house or with the dc.

He's still taking the tablets, I finally LTB 19months ago.

Diagnosis: Abusive Manchild. Quite different from the original diagnosis of 'depressed'.

OP if it's who he is, nothing will change that.

Are there ever any good times?

He sounds awful from what you describe.

Feel so bad for you OP. You must feel trapped.

It's not ok, the way he's being.

It's not ok to blame tiredness.

I work FT - I'm fucking knackered (as most of us are - whether working out of the home or in, just to be clear!!).

But I have always found time and energy to take over from dh kids wise when I get home. Ummm mainly because, you know... I want to? They're my gorgeous daughters and I want to spend time with them in the evenings!

Even if he is chronically tired, even if he is depressed, it's still a choice to talk to you all and treat you all the way he is. He could be nice, gently, smiley, listen-y, tired dad! He could say 'Sorry I'm so tired, come and sit with me and tell me about your day' to the kids. He could say to you 'Sorry knackered again. Not really in a chatty mood, but how's your day been?'.

Ask him this: Does he speak to his colleagues and bosses the way he talks to you? Does he tell them he's too tired to work or engage? Does he have a cat's arse face every time he's asked to do something? Course he bloody doesn't.

By the way someone very wise once said to me 'you can't love someone you don't like'.

My DH spent about a year like this, grumpy, hypochondric, 'exhausted'. It was hell. It wasn't without cause but then when the cause was removed he stayed grumpy. I basically took the piss out of him and got on with things but also banged home how lucky we are, how its disgraceful that he's not grateful etc. Our DS had also got tired of him and was refusing to hug him. This took a while to kick in but I have to say he's now a changed man, and the constantly dwelling on being mindful and grateful has actually cheered us both up. He just must have finally got it into his daft head that he is lucky and snarling wife stops snarling if you interact in a positive way. His relationship with DS is very good again. I don't know your DH maybe he is destined to be like this but if he's just fallen into a bad pattern, maybe he can get out?

How have things been this weekend OP?

After it all came to a head yesterday, DH and I reached an uneasy truce. He has now left on a business trip for couple of days and I told him he was to have a clear think about his behaviour (as I will mine), but that he needed to sort his head out and make much more of an effort. No ultimatums or threats given but I'll see what happens.
Interestingly DS was up most of last night with a fever and while I handled it for several hours I eventually work DH up. Well today you'd think he'd been up all night - yawning head off, parked on settee, not lifting a finger (still at least he was cuddling DS).

Hang on what's the timeline here:

1. He didn't get up in the night with sick DS until you woke him then gave you all that yawning crap in the morning. Therefore it all came to a head and you told him to think about his behaviour. Fair enough. It'll be interesting to see if anything changes.

OR

1. It all came to a head and you told him to think about his behaviour. Despite this he didn't get up in the night with sick DS until you woke him then gave you all that yawning crap in the morning. Well, that's your answer then, he has no bloody intention of doing anything - he really doesn't give a crap.

Which one was it?

Joysmum's advice is sound.

OP, may I enquire what it is you expect him to do with the kids at the weekend? You mentioned that you envy the dads who are spontaneous and I guess who do adventurous things. Is that you expectation of him? What if he prefers a quiet time in with the kids or some not-so-spontaneous activities?

We all know what it's like to come home from a demanding job. There is not much energy left. A nice quiet non-energetic time with the kids is just fine. Quiet, relaxing weekends are also good. There's more energy for higher impact efforts during holidays.

If he is spending quality time with the kids at the weekend then that's okay, isn't it?

Does he have to work 12 hours per day? Can he look into ways to reduce that?

Tell him you aren't his flat mate your his wife and want to be treat as such

Tell him to embrace the children. It's something he will never regret

Tell him it's as though he's forgotten how to be happy, ask if you can facilitate anything that will bring a smile back to his face

Good luck

Quite likely - there's always one thing he's says is guaranteed to bring a smile to his face .
I will be showing him this whole thread on his return!

Sounds as if he does bugger-all with the kids at the weekend!

My DP can pull the "I'm too knackered to do anything" line at the weekend but he takes DD2 to dance, cooks and does housework (we both work FT but as I'm based from home I do most of the weekday evening cooking). And I still get fed up if he doesn't engage .

I wouldn't bother showing the thread to your DH, I don't think it would have the effect you're hoping for. I've seen before when OPs have shown threads to someone and MNers just get derided by the other person, who just ignores the posts.

Instead you can use the information to help in talking to your DH.

But I think you have quite a problem. If your DH was indulging in parking his arse and yawning after you'd had this talk, then I think he's just not listening to what you're saying and has no intention of changing.

Fry - I know
For instance he's gone off on this trip, gave us all a kiss but no mention of worry over DS (who has been really poorly still today) or concerns about whether I'll cope ok whilst he's gone.
Been gone 4 hours, (ok prob on Eurostar as I type), DCs now in bed; no phone all to check on DS or to say goodnight.

Just me? Do I have unreasonable expectations on what a DH/DF should contribute? Am I seeing this too much from a woman's pov?