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Original poster

Time to ditch my antenatal group friends?

31 replies

Thinkstoomuch · 19/10/2006 22:59

Would love to have some opinions and a bit of perspective on this.
My NCT group of 4 other couples was very close when all the bubs arrived and were an amazing support through those crazy first months of sleep deprivation, colic and BF struggles. BBQs, pub lunches, play groups, even a holiday, we were always there for each other. I always felt me and DH were a little different to them because they are pretty wealthy, with high-paid jobs (careers, really) and posh houses whereas we're...well we're definitely not! But they are lovely people and I've tried to put that out of my mind. This continued until c.2 months ago when they all went back to work full time/4 days a week and I'm happily a SAHM and planning to stay that way.
Contact's inevitably dropped off but we've still met up occasionally. But recently I've gathered from emails that they are in touch with each other more than with me and my feelings were hurt to find out that two of them are going to a playgroup on their day off without asking me along. They're now asking if I want to meet up with them during half-term because there's no group that week - which strung a bit.
Always thought I'd be the career woman type but have been surprised to find that motherhood simply makes me happier. But we're getting poorer and they're getting richer and they have jobs and stuff to talk about whereas I'm happy with going to the swings and play groups!
Am I being too sensitive or should I just accept we're different and let the friendships go?

OP posts:
somethingunderthebedisdrooling · 19/10/2006 23:07

i think i'd pass them up myself and do my own thing - and i work. i know how you feel in different circumstances but same outcome.

notasheep · 19/10/2006 23:09

I have got to the stage where i feel life is full of passing acquaintances...sounds like they are

Tommy · 19/10/2006 23:13

I wouldn't worry too much about it and let them move on (or you )

I remember telling someone I was pregnant with DS1 and she was so pleased for me. She said something like "We've met so many really lovely people and made good friends since having children". I really hoped that I would be like that too. I have made friends but I've drifted away form others.

I think the really good ones stick with you and the ones that don't care about you are not worth having anyway.

Go to the play groups and the swings - you'll probably meet more like minded people anyway

Walnutshell · 19/10/2006 23:16

That's really sad. Maybe it's just part of that underlying dynamic that we all possess in some way and which drives us towards 'like' people. And in your case you have become 'un'like because you choose to stay at home. It's probably not at all personal although I would feel the exact same way. It's a shame we women and all our talk of sisterhood and feminism don't find the simple common ground of child-rearing breaks all barriers.
Are you going to meet up in half term?

Walnutshell · 19/10/2006 23:18

Tommy - don't you find that many people become suddenly nicer when they have children? I am finding this a really interesting phenomenon!

Original poster
Thinkstoomuch · 19/10/2006 23:25

"I think the really good ones stick with you and the ones that don't care about you are not worth having anyway."
I guess I thought these were the 'friends for years' types - they are all really nice people and haven't done anything horrible to me, they're just different to me - but yes Walnutshell, maybe it was just a case of that 'all in it together' happy Blitz mentality you get with fellow parents of first children. Or maybe I'm just over-sensitive. My DH says I do tend to read too much into stuff. Hence the nickname.
Just to clarify, I'm not a complete Nobby No Mates - I've got other friends too!

OP posts:
jajas · 19/10/2006 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liath · 19/10/2006 23:34

I think this can happen with antenatal groups - mine was a huge source of support initally but as time went on you realise you often have very little in common other than having a child of a similar age. Mine is in the death thoes at presnt which is awkward as I still meet up with one mum but I guess that could make others feel deliberately excluded - difficult to know what to do without hurting feelings!

jajas · 19/10/2006 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threebob · 20/10/2006 00:31

My plunket group (like a post natal group) meet up in pairs and threes and I'm never invited. I've always kept myself busy and so was simply never available for spur of the moment things and eventually the invitations dried up.

I just go to the meetups that are for all of us and have a good time. I don't take it personally that they don't ask me to do things - after all I don't ask them either.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 20/10/2006 07:26

My ante natal grop is still going strong . The kids are now 7 years old . We maat up for pizza evenings and coffees , I love them .

nailpolish · 20/10/2006 07:38

i think you can have loads in common while the children are tiny babies, but as the children grow lives change and fall into slots, like for example sahm and wohm, and lives generally move in different directions

i dont know if i would go to the half term meet, you dont sound too upset at the thought of never seeing them, thinkstoomuch, maybe its the inevitable

FillyjonkthePumpkinEater · 20/10/2006 07:48

Do you want to go?

Do you want to meet with them and be friends?

If so, have you asked them?

If not, tbh, I'd walk away

think about what you want!

BloodRedRubyRioja · 20/10/2006 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rookiemum · 20/10/2006 09:13

Rookiebaby is 6mths old and we have a weekly meet up with local mums.

It was a complete lifeline at first but now I find that we kind of run out of conversation sometimes, there is only so much weaning talk you can run too. However I really like it when I meet up with some of the people separately as I find it makes for a more interesting conversation when there is just two people as opposed to when we are in the group, I suppose it gives me licence to move away from baby talk.

Thinkstoomuch it might also be that some of these mums are struggling with the balancing act of working and motherhood and are jealous or guilty about the fact that you are a SAHM.

I don't think there is a definitive right or wrong in terms of working after you have a child but perhaps it is a case of the grass being greener on the other side and they don't want to be reminded of this.

Personally I would let the friendships go, it doesn't sound as if its making you happier meeting up with them.

peegeeweegeeWITCH · 20/10/2006 09:17

I think groups like that do grow apart when circumstances change...
I can see why you would be a bit hurt, I would feel the same, but I would move on and leave them to it...
You will probably meet loads of other nice SAHM's at the swings/playgroup/nursery and eventually school...

I have lost touch with all my antenatal friends, some went back to work, 3 of them have their children in the same school so they see each other still, but I live in a different village so my ds went to a different school. I just drifted away from the group and slowly made friends with mums at my ds's school.

LemonTart · 20/10/2006 09:20

I think notasheep is right about friendships.
I thought that some of the people I worked with bf DD1 arrived would be friends for life. We shared so much in common. Then I had DD and realised that that career orientated side of me was over whereas they were firmly working mothers who had very different life priorities to me. At first I thought it would be ok. Very quickly I found myself out of the loop and rather lonely.
While some friends might be around for a large chunk of your life or even your whole lifetime, the majority of friendships have a shorter natural lifespan. Enjoy your new found friendships with other mums in similar positions to yourself and move on

mustcackleorsuckbloodmore · 20/10/2006 09:22

I'd say move on. IME, I have a few friends that have lasted from uni and work, but as a SAHM, Mum friends are quite transient. Its just life, and I wouldn't dwell on it.

JJane01 · 20/10/2006 13:09

Hmmm, difficult one. Could you go for it next week and see how you feel after that?

I was the opposite to you - working Mum joining into a little morning group of SAHMs... my son was also an early riser so by the time we met at 10am he'd be having his morning nap; their children having woken at 8am and being full of beans.

I ended up bowing out because it was obvious they were meeting up all the time (despite one of them saying she hated cliquey people!) and I found we couldn't be there every single week, week in week out... which they didn't like. It was just easier for me to take us out of the equation and, to be honest, I've never regretted it since. It just didn't work for me; I'd love to be a SAHM but it isn't an option (I work part-time as a compromise)... it just seemed I was "odd" for going back to work.

sleepfinder · 20/10/2006 14:19

You're being sensitive. Don't cut them off, but find some more people you can spend time with so things feel a bit balanced.

TheDaVinciCod · 20/10/2006 14:20

do you make the effort ot meet up
maybe they are tired ot meeting upa dn arranging it for yo

TwigTwoolett · 20/10/2006 14:22

I find it quite difficult to meet up with people who still work tbh

I find they seem to 'pity' me and I feel similar 'pity' for them (well the fact that they think I can be pitied)

Of course its worse with people who are in the same field as I used to be .. becuase they think I miss it

marymillington · 20/10/2006 14:37

Thinkstoomuch - honest answer - I think you're being a teeny bit paranoid. In any group of friends, some people are closer than others, its just the way it is - I don't think it sounds like they are trying to exclude you in any way. If you want to hang out with them a bit more, just start going to the playgroup as well. Simple.

Original poster
Thinkstoomuch · 20/10/2006 15:40

All the wise words greatly appreciated, big thank you.

But feeling a bit sad. We were very close and that time was one of the most powerful in my life so I can't quite accept that it's over. I think I owe it to myself to give things a bit more time, but I sense it's coming to a nature end.

The money thing seems to be something I can't get past - always thinking our house isn't as nice as theirs, they have endless holidays, have cleaners and nannies, etc. I don't think they think at all that we are the poor relations but I can't seem to help feeling that way. As the kids get older that will become even more of an issue - toys, private schools, etc. Can rich people really be friends with poor people?? (I'm using 'poor' loosely and relatively; I know loads of people are worse off than us.)

Plus the working mums/SAHM thing bugs me more than I realised. I find myself wondering why, when they are all wealthy, that they aren't taking this time with their babies. But please don't jump on me about that - I know that work is more important for some than others. Plus I'm a hypocrite because I fully intended to go back to work myself part time but ended up in a legal case with my crap employers over discrimination (long story, another time) and was in a way forced into staying at home, which I now love. To me this issue feels like the fundamental difference that might mean we can't stay friends (Rookiemum I think you are possibly right about the jealousy too).

Thinking I might meet them next week and just see how it goes. Can't go to that group with them beyond that because it's more of a singing class-type thing they've signed up for. So, we'll see. Might have nothing left to talk about or it might be like the old days.

OP posts:
MadamePlatypus · 20/10/2006 15:50

I think you are taking it all too much to heart. As a SAHM, you have more opportunity than they do to go out and make other "parenting" friends, so I would still keep in touch with them if you like them, but try and branch out a bit. If you want to still see them, arrange some get togethers on your own terms. You will have plenty of opportunities to meet other people.