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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to make of this older, married man's behaviour towards me?

35 replies

LottieL · 29/01/2015 22:54

Don't want to give too much away.

Basically I joined a club a few months ago. The instructor, around 25 years my senior seemed to take a big interest in me, I just assumed he was chuffed to have another member at the club.
Now I'm wondering, he started sending me private messages on Facebook asking how I was, asking if I was enjoying the club and asking when I'd be next going etc. at the club he'd wait until it finished and everyone had left and said he needed to talk to me so I'd wait but then he wouldn't actually have anything to talk about, he just wanted to general chit chat. He even went in holiday with his wife and continued to send me messages saying various stuff had reminded him of me.

When he got back and club continued he asked if I had time to stay back and chat about something. He then went on about how he enjoyed our chats but he'd stop messaging me privately as he didn't want my other half or his other half getting the wrong idea!!?? But it's only ever him instigating these "out of club" conversations. Nothing inappropriate is ever said so why he's making such a drama out of nothing makes me wonder what is going on. On top of this he's 'liked' a Facebook photo of mine from years ago suggesting that he's been trawling through my old photos. It's all getting a bit 'not quite right'. I love the club but I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. He seems like a lovely bloke and he's well respected in the community but something just doesn't seem right?

OP posts:

buffersandbumpers · 29/01/2015 22:56

What sort of club are we talking here?

FamiliesShareGerms · 29/01/2015 22:56

Set your FB security so he can't access your profile. De friend him

Don't stay behind afterwards - say you have a date or a lift waiting for you or something

Original poster

LottieL · 29/01/2015 22:57

A sport club

OP posts:

MMcanny · 29/01/2015 22:57

Maybe he has a crush on you.

MadameOvary · 29/01/2015 22:57

Go with your gut. His behaviour is making you uncomfortable because he is overstepping boundaries. He is clearly looking for a response from you that will encourage him. Ugh. He sounds creepy and quite manipulative IMO.

Original poster

LottieL · 29/01/2015 22:58

I often mention my other half to him so he knows he exists.

OP posts:

buffersandbumpers · 29/01/2015 22:59

What MadameOvary said. Just unfriend him. Says everything you need to.

Rivercam · 29/01/2015 23:00

It does seem a bit inappropriate. I would stop agreeing to the post activity chats, making excuses that you have to hurry home etc. Also, block him on facebook ( not sure if this is possible or how to do it). At the club, socialise with everyone, and try not to be side-tracked by him.

defineme · 29/01/2015 23:00

You know he fancies you and you're uncomfortable withit. If it were me I would deffriend facebook, not stay after class and be polite but cool.
If he was pestering me I would ztraight forwardly tell him not to.

Thehedgehogsong · 29/01/2015 23:01

He's sniffing around, I'd probably be a bit short with him to put him back in his box and definitely not stay late anymore.

Mentioning your partner shouldn't be necessary. You're free to turn him down regardless of your relationship status. Mentioning his wife might be a better idea!

Anniegetyourgun · 29/01/2015 23:05

I think the expression "dirty sleaze" may have some relevance here.

TrojanWhore · 29/01/2015 23:14

You don't need to make anything of it.

Unless of course you want to, in which case keep having your little chats.

Original poster

LottieL · 30/01/2015 10:04

I just wanted to be sure I wasn't being paranoid. It's such a shame because I live the club so much but he's making if so awkward for me. Like he'll constantly ask when we can chat or will say something to me and tell me it's between me and him, a secret that nobody else in the club should know but he has members who have been there years and years ... Why is he saying stuff to me that he doesn't want to share with them? It's never anything sinister either which makes me scratch my head and think "why the drama?"

OP posts:

QuintlessShadows · 30/01/2015 10:07

Because he is a sinister and controlling shit.

ptumbi · 30/01/2015 10:08

Why is he on your FB? Why do you stay late enough that he can corner you?

Start going out the door the minute everyone else does. Tighten up FB settings, and defriend him. Mention your DP a lot, or even get him to come and pick you up after club?

QuintlessShadows · 30/01/2015 10:10

Why are you doing as he says?

Why are you letting him manipulate you?

shovetheholly · 30/01/2015 10:13

He sounds like a man who is getting a bit older, and confused about it. You've probably come in as a beautiful young thing, reminding him of a youth that is slipping away from him. Clearly he's realised that his behaviour isn't normal as he's tried to pull himself back, hence the setting of boundaries with the private messaging. I don't think he sounds sinister, but I would nonetheless avoid any hint of impropriety with him - be chatty and happy, but firmly resistant to private discussions and conversations, constantly switching the conversation back to mundane and ordinary things. He will follow whatever boundaries you set.

MaybeDoctor · 30/01/2015 10:46

This pisses me right off when a man's creepy behaviour makes a young woman feel uncomfortable about taking part in a sports club.

Original poster

LottieL · 30/01/2015 10:47

Well I suppose I'll just have to start setting boundaries.

Stop the facebook communication and be ready to leave after class with everyone else.

OP posts:

rednailsredheart · 30/01/2015 10:51

I would talk to your partner about it. Just so that he knows what is going on, and this guy can't suddenly start harping on about some emotional affair he is totally invested in, which doesn't actually exist in reality.

Stop replying to his facebook messages. Stop replying to his texts unless it's about club business.

Next time he asks you to stay after club, arrange for your partner to come in and join the "conversation".

Of course you could quite rightly be totally single and have no interest in him, but by getting your partner to physically be there during one of these "meetings" it makes it clear that you have no interest in this man and you aren't having any questions of your loyalty.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 30/01/2015 10:56

I think be brisk and firm- if he says can you say behind and chat, say 'no, sorry, got to dash off, see you at the club next week'. Don't get drawn into 'secret meetings' or keeping secrets or staying behind. Some might say it's a bit sad to have to think defensively but sometimes people do act a bit inappropriately. He sounds like a tit for behaving like this, as you say it's not you initiating it.

No need to be friends, you are not friends, just restrict contact to in-club times when everyone else is around.

Footle · 30/01/2015 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints · 30/01/2015 11:49

Change your mobile number, defriend him from fb, leave with everyone else.
If he wants to chat tell him your oh is on a promise, that should do it.
He fancies you and he is sounding you out for an affair.

DayLillie · 30/01/2015 11:52

It sounds like he does this a lot - hence wife not getting the 'wrong' idea etc

Agree with the grooming. He is isolating you from the other members. Do what you can to get to know them, away from him and get DP to come in and collect you, so that you can't be left alone with him. With texts, stick to business and fail to reply to anything else.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/01/2015 13:24

I'd start getting your OH to pick you up. Just a way to keep comfortable after.

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