What to make of this older, married man's behaviour towards me?

[LottieL]

Don't want to give too much away.

Basically I joined a club a few months ago. The instructor, around 25 years my senior seemed to take a big interest in me, I just assumed he was chuffed to have another member at the club.
Now I'm wondering, he started sending me private messages on Facebook asking how I was, asking if I was enjoying the club and asking when I'd be next going etc. at the club he'd wait until it finished and everyone had left and said he needed to talk to me so I'd wait but then he wouldn't actually have anything to talk about, he just wanted to general chit chat. He even went in holiday with his wife and continued to send me messages saying various stuff had reminded him of me.

When he got back and club continued he asked if I had time to stay back and chat about something. He then went on about how he enjoyed our chats but he'd stop messaging me privately as he didn't want my other half or his other half getting the wrong idea!!?? But it's only ever him instigating these "out of club" conversations. Nothing inappropriate is ever said so why he's making such a drama out of nothing makes me wonder what is going on. On top of this he's 'liked' a Facebook photo of mine from years ago suggesting that he's been trawling through my old photos. It's all getting a bit 'not quite right'. I love the club but I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. He seems like a lovely bloke and he's well respected in the community but something just doesn't seem right?

Well I suppose I'll just have to start setting boundaries. Stop the facebook communication and be ready to leave after class with everyone else --- Ummm, Yeah! As a beginning. Why 'i suppose'? Don't you want to?

OP - I'm not saying the guy is dangerous, or even 'confused' as a PP has it, but he is overstepping your boundaries. If that unnerves you, or you don't like - why on earth wouldn't you reset your boundaries?

He is pushing - push back.

He's over stepping the mark. Block him on facebook, don't stay back for chats (ask your partner or a friend to come pick you up for the next few meetings if you think a bit of moral support would help- plus their presence will send a strong message to the guy). If needs be, change clubs.

He has done this before, this is his script, slowly but surely he will move on to the sexual chat, just don't hang about for it, be firm, block him from your FB and always ensure you don't stay back, this type of creep will take any kindness you show as a chance for him so don't give him an inch!

He's not a nice guy, he's an old perv.

DF did this with a much older guy (probably widowed or divorced) - didn't go to sexual chat but to chat about problems with the children, probs with hubby, probs with ancient relatives, then helpful support, kindness, flowers, bouquets, lunch, permanent loan of I-phone, then on to wanting a little something from her, obligation, demands......

She called a halt to it, he got nasty. Help from the organiser where they met was then required and OH had to get off his lazy backside and help too. Lesson learned.

Even if he is a nice guy - you can still leave on time, block him from seeing your FB, mention DP a lot, don't put yourself in a position that he could misconstrue.

Why are some of you not understanding why she's uncomfortable putting him in his place?

She likes "the club," she likes being part of it. He obviously has some longstanding influence in the club and she doesn't want to cut off her noise to spite her face by responding in a way that is too strong.

Also, if he is the dramatic kind, he will definitely react to even a slight change in mood from her, and make even more drama!

A teacher used to be like this with me. I'd go to sixth form one day, go to all my classes, not give a thought to this particular teacher and then get an email that evening saying "you were angry with me today... I could tell. What have I done?" Drama drama drama and manipulation.

nose not noise!

I think you should complain to management because your safety is being put at risk asking you to stay behind. Have you not thought that he could try it on and you have no one there to be a witness and then he will turn it on you that you were leading him on.

make other friends at the club
if he asks you to stay back - nope, too busy, getting a lift from x/going out with y/dh picking me up/going elsewhere. No apologies, just facts
dont listen to his gossip or repeat it, thats to discredit you/make you look unhinged if you try and tell people what hes like

and if he starts with the 'wrong idea' crap - be completely blank/shocked: 'god, why do you think anyone would think that- theres such an age difference! hey, ill blank you on facebook if your oh will be happier/ i dont have much time for it all anyway

Birchwood - no one is suggesting that OP is rudeto him! She can leave with everyone else; make excuses; if he wants to 'talk' to her, she is always 'busy'. Always.