Update on DP after asking about incident with OW again.

[annabelflies]

I posted the other day about DP who had a message from OW and what to do about it.

As an update, I have asked himabout it in detail again, despite the fact we are not able to talk face to face at the moment (he's working in Scotland).

When I bought it up, he was irritated. He eventually seemed to see that it was fair of me to want to ask about the incident, having had to get over it the day after it happened as I had so much on with work, and having had time to think about it, more questions came into my mind and I wanted answers. I felt the chat went reasonably well, once he came round to talking about it. He went to bed (early start the next day), and I emailed him to say thanks for the chat, I appreciated him staying up late when he had work to talk about this nad put my mind at rest. The next day he acknowledged my email but that was it. I was genuinely feeling better, though, and as if he had taken my concern seriously.

Last night I asked for the rent payment (he contributes x amount per month in an arrangement we have). I have had to ask him for this payment a few times, and his excuse is that he is busy at work, so I left it. I asked again today and was quite irritated - said he had no apprciation that this is his responsibility and i should not have to constantly ask for it (AIBU?). He then messaged to say he the reason he hadnt paid it yesterday was because i had upset him by asking about the OW issue again - he repated that he felt it was unfair of me so he had then proceeded not to pay this portion of our rent. I have since become so angry with him - aksing why I am not allowed to bring up something that is bothering me, without him then playing games with rent and his responsibilities? He has since proceeded to pay me the money - but less than usual by about a quarter...not sure why?? and add to the fact that we had a big bill this month so 2 weeks ago he said he would pay in more than normal anyway! I'm sitting in tears on my lunchbreak..completely confused and hurt - why is he being like this? I don't understand.

The part that hurts the most is that we are saving for our own home and he will talk so freely about our future together - only for me to say i am unhappy about the way he has behaved and for him to then behave in what i can only call as being like a child. is this unfair of me? i feel physically sick and drained.

Sorry for typos, am on my phone with cold fingers!

but i just feel incredibly let down by him here. how can i trust him, how can i even talk to him about things if this is what he does?

i find it a betrayal, an immature action and very confusing and hurtful. what is he supposed to mean by that other than showing me how fickle and nasty he can be.

You know yourself what he can be. This is your future.

i loved our plans and our future. i couldnt wait for it all - i feel i am nothing with him.

um. Yes you are something without him. What happened to your self-respect? This is more about you and your feelings about yourself than about him.

He's got you over a barrel unless you give yoruself a stern talking to and separate from him. He knows you adore him. You on the other hand -know- what he is like, what happens when he is annoyed.

Again, consider the future. Consider the whole man, not just the nice parts. Consider what sort of person you want to be with, someone who genuinely tries to resolve things, or this.

His personality might be nice overall. His underlying character is mean. When you live with someone, it'd be a lot better to pick someone with a nice character.

This is your wake-up call with this guy.

Out of character? Or, it is just the case that this is the first time he's really up against it? - has been caught out in something, rightly called up on it by you, and has kicked back and shown his true colours?

His actions ARE financially abusive. He's (unconsciously or not) trying to train you - if you question me, or anger me, I'll use finances to take my revenge. Don't step out of line.

I saw your first thread and that was enough, really. He's out of order, he a bully, and now it's escalating into punishing you for not simply letting it all drop.

Your statement here:

'im too scared to end it, i loved our plans and our future. i couldnt wait for it all - i feel i am nothing with him.' (assume you meant without him)

• is the key. He knows you feel like this. He's got the whip hand. He's in control, and he knows it. So far, up until this point, the implications of that imbalance of power haven't been highlighted.

Now something has happened to highlight them, and what you are seeing is who sees themselves as boss in your relationship, and what 'boss' means to him.

I repeat, this is your wake-up call. Think very carefully.

Oh dear OP. Very sorry and all that, but you must see, he is being a Big Bad Bully. He is punishing you. It doesn't matter whether or not you can make the rent in this instance. He is punishing you for bringing up something that you have a perfect right to want to talk about. This is shocking!

You are right to be angry. Stay angry!

You have to stand up to him on this. Don't plead or cry with him. Tell him his behaviour is utterly outrageous and if he thinks it's ok to withhold the rent, which he is responsible for, then he can fuck right off. There is nothing more for you to say. You have to show that you will not be bullied like this.

Don't ever say you're too scared to end it. No. You deserve to be treated a whole lot better than this. You may love your plans and your future but your future with this man is not going to be all rosy if this is how he behaves. Don't fall for the fairytale. It is a mirage. He is showing you exactly what sort of future you are in for with him. Put a stop to this now.

He is trying to shut you up and shut you down. Don't let him do that. You are worth more. Really.

He thinks he has the right to "punish" you for not doing as he says.

He clearly gives himself more rights and privileges in the relationship than he will let you have.

You are being abused - he thinks of you as a lesser being compared to him.

The OW will get it one day as well, he just hasn't decided to shit on her yet because he's got you to do that on.

He will only get worse. The abuse will surface every time he considers you to have done something to displease him - so if you toe the line you don't get punished, step over the line, he punishes you.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS GUY!

He has had an EA, refusing to atone for it and is now punishing you for mentioning it

Bin this creep, he is not worth it. take your share of the money and put it somewhere safe

Have you asked him why he has paid less than he should? Sorry to say I agree with most posters.i have been in this situation and it's a mindfuck power game he's playing. A decent man would not have disrespected you by flirting with another woman, if you mean enough to him and he admits he fucked up he should be reassuring you every time his "deed" crossed your mind and upsets you. He on other hand has used you bringing up the OW issue as a reason to not pay because "it annoyed him" and knows your adoration of him is also your downfall to give you a lesson on bringing his "deed" up again. Sorry

He knows that he upset you with the messages from OW - a properly, truly repentant man would be doing anything he could to win back your trust. He'd tell you anything you ask, understanding that it was his actions that led you to distrust and question him, and that only by knowing all you can about it, can you lay it to rest and move on. HE is the one who should be reassuring you op, not the other way round.

your DP is actually acting like a guilty man - if your don't STFU about it, I'll do something you won't like (withhold money/sex?)

how can i even talk to him about things if this is what he does?

That's exactly why he did it.

How dare you for daring to question him. You're being punished for that now by being fined.

People have disagreements all the time, they don't then withhold part of essential household bills as penance.

Surely you can see how fucked up and controlling that is?

If my DH or inadvertently hurts the other in words or deeds, this hurts us too and we are desperate to make amends. We don't punish each other for daring to be hurt.

Yes he has cheated and yes he is abusive and is now acting up because you have called him on that.

The question is why you think this is all you deserve? Please do not buy a house with him.

The man is a cunt. How dare he withhold money that it is his responsibility to pay, because he was upset with your questioning?

Give him his money back and throw him out. How dare he punish YOU for questioning HIS infidelity!

He is an utter arse. You want a lifetime of this kind of nonsense?

Being upset with someone is one thing witholding money is another. If you live together the bills are equal and seperate to any up set going on. He does not see that your place together is equal responsibility but a favour he is doing. Who argues then refuses to pay the gas bill ! He is being controlling. Think carefully before committing to a mortgage with him.

How's it going OP?

Do not buy a house with this man unless your 'plans" incude being head fucked and financially shafted everytime youbdo or ask somthing he doesnt like. He will get worse the more you are financially enmeshed

My DP annoyed me last night and I was still upset with him this morning. I'm still going to pay my half of the bills that are due tomorrow though. Witholding money like this is definitely meant to punish you for questioning him about the OW. He's not worthy of you.

He's controlling you, trying to. This money won't disrupt his living situation but it inconveniences you and he's sulkily making a point. All because you needed to talk through something about his faithless untrustworthy actions.
He is not sorry.
He is horrid.

Imagine a friend/flatmate withholding rent because you had displeased them OP