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Original poster

Update on DP after asking about incident with OW again.

68 replies

annabelflies · 29/01/2015 12:42

I posted the other day about DP who had a message from OW and what to do about it.

As an update, I have asked himabout it in detail again, despite the fact we are not able to talk face to face at the moment (he's working in Scotland).

When I bought it up, he was irritated. He eventually seemed to see that it was fair of me to want to ask about the incident, having had to get over it the day after it happened as I had so much on with work, and having had time to think about it, more questions came into my mind and I wanted answers. I felt the chat went reasonably well, once he came round to talking about it. He went to bed (early start the next day), and I emailed him to say thanks for the chat, I appreciated him staying up late when he had work to talk about this nad put my mind at rest. The next day he acknowledged my email but that was it. I was genuinely feeling better, though, and as if he had taken my concern seriously.

Last night I asked for the rent payment (he contributes x amount per month in an arrangement we have). I have had to ask him for this payment a few times, and his excuse is that he is busy at work, so I left it. I asked again today and was quite irritated - said he had no apprciation that this is his responsibility and i should not have to constantly ask for it (AIBU?). He then messaged to say he the reason he hadnt paid it yesterday was because i had upset him by asking about the OW issue again - he repated that he felt it was unfair of me so he had then proceeded not to pay this portion of our rent. I have since become so angry with him - aksing why I am not allowed to bring up something that is bothering me, without him then playing games with rent and his responsibilities? He has since proceeded to pay me the money - but less than usual by about a quarter...not sure why?? and add to the fact that we had a big bill this month so 2 weeks ago he said he would pay in more than normal anyway! I'm sitting in tears on my lunchbreak..completely confused and hurt - why is he being like this? I don't understand.

The part that hurts the most is that we are saving for our own home and he will talk so freely about our future together - only for me to say i am unhappy about the way he has behaved and for him to then behave in what i can only call as being like a child. is this unfair of me? i feel physically sick and drained.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 29/01/2015 13:13

regardless of why he's upset, the fact is, he thinks witholding money he owes for his financial responsiblities is an acceptable way to punish his partner for making him angry. That you can afford to cover it doesn't matter, he thinks witholding money is ok when you are angry.

The thing he is angry about is in no way money related, so it's not like he's witholding money he owes to make you pay because he had to pay for something else he didn't want to. It's in no way related, so he considers paying his share of hte rent and bills as optional when he's in a good mood with you.

What a tosser!

Really, he's not faithful, he's childish, he uses money to hurt you, doesn't view his financial responsibilites as his responsibilities no matter what, you have to nag him to pay up.... do you have DCs together? If not, dump away, he's not really worth keeping.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 29/01/2015 13:14

Whose name is the rent in?

Annarose2014 · 29/01/2015 13:17

If I were you I'd be too scared to continue it, tbh.

He has LITERALLY fined you for challenging him on his inappropriate behaviour with another woman!

Honestly, if your friend was telling you this story, you'd be shocked.

diddl · 29/01/2015 13:22

"im too scared to end it, i loved our plans and our future. i couldnt wait for it all - i feel i am nothing with him."

Well that's what he is probably relying on tbh, that he can treat you like shit & you'll still be there asking for more!

It shouldn't be such hard work.

MaryWestmacott · 29/01/2015 13:23

yes, Annarose is right - it's a fine. He's issued you with a financial penalty for questioning him (about something not money related) and for failing to act the way he expects you to.

If you can afford the rent on your own, start paying it by yourself, without him in your flat.

Cocolepew · 29/01/2015 13:24

I was following your other thread. Stop being so blood nice, and tiptoing around him. You have done nothing wrong, its all him. You shouldn't have to thank your partner for talking through something that he has done to upset you.
You don't need him to be something, you are your own person.

MaryWestmacott · 29/01/2015 13:25

And Diddl is right, he has realised he holds all the power in your relationship because you won't end it, so he can do what he wants and you have to take it. This is just 'training' you to accept his behaviour.

simonettavespucci · 29/01/2015 13:27

Under payment absolutely is financially abusive and just nasty. It's not about whether you actually need the money - the fact that it occurs to him to get back at you in this way is the problem.

The 'logic' behind the irritable/annoyed behaviour is probably that the guilt/criticism makes him feel bad so he lashes out. Well that's the nice interpretation - alternatively he just feels you are rejecting his control by criticising him and he won't take that.

But although it's a common instinct, the fact that he hasn't got it under control is very worrying. You should be able to talk to him about the OW when you want to and he should suck it up - that's the price he pays for having an EA (I presume that's what happened?).

If I were you I would be asking why I was still in this relationship.

BafanaThesober · 29/01/2015 13:30

I speak from experience, I would dump and move on.
Ex and I had fights and he would then not pay his side of financial things. It didn't affect my standard of living, but it tell me what kind of person he was. I didn't listen, I carried on, he then thought that this was entirely appropriate behaviour.

You are worth more than this idiot.

When someone tells you who they really are - listen to them. His actions tell you very loudly - who he really is, and he is not coming across as someone I would want to have as a life partner.

BeCool · 29/01/2015 13:31

whether you want to see this as financial abuse or not, he is using money to punish you for expressing your emotions and requiring "honest" input from him.

Proceed at your peril.

worrieddadof2 · 29/01/2015 13:32

ive gone through something similar with my wife just now (not the money part).
I too wonder why she gets very angry when we try to talk about(in her case) this other guy. Is it because its true nothing happend therefore cant understand the questions. Or, is there guilt that makes it very uncomfortable to talk after all the denying.

BeCool · 29/01/2015 13:36

i loved our plans and our future. i couldnt wait for it all - i feel i am nothing with him

Do your plans for the future include being treated like this whenever you do something he disapproves of? because he is showing you who he is and how he rolls right now.

You are financially OK now - how about then you are on maternity leave or having a break from paid employment to be with young children - would you also be financially independent then? Because if he is behaving like this now, all signage points to him being a massive arse financially when you do something he doesn't like and your really are reliant on him financially.

Cabrinha · 29/01/2015 13:38

OP, even when I had full evidence that my now XH had fucked prostitutes, I paid my half of the bills all through the arguments and divorce!!!

Because that's what you do. It's entirely separate to anything else.

It was a bloody awful thing for him to do! And he has STILL paid you less than he owes? And it's not the first time you have had to chase him.

Oh and he flirts (at least) with other women and you're not allowed to talk about it.

And if he throws you a crumb to talk so you don't dump him, you are GRATEFUL???

As for "nothing without him".
You're not.
If you feel like this, you need counselling, ASAP.

But look... What if you were nothing without him? How would every care about you, if you were such a nothing?
Though of course you're not.

You NEED to sort your head out.
And step one is getting him out of your life.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 29/01/2015 13:39

Ok, text him with something like:

You are with-holding rent money because you are trying to punish me? Is this right?

If he says its not that, ask him what it is then. Because that's how it looks.

HootyMcTooty · 29/01/2015 13:41

He is being financially abusive, punishing you for not sweeping his indiscretion under the carpet. It's often not the cheating that breaks a marriage but the way the cheater behaves afterwards. Of course if you choose to forgive it should be on the basis of not dredging it up every time you have a disagreement. However, you have every right to want to discuss this whenever you want in order to come to terms with what has happened. He doesn't seem to care very much about your feelings, all he seems to care about is that he doesn't want to be reminded of his failings, that's a very bad sign of things to come.

If I were you I'd be using this time apart to detach, question why it is that you're so keen to carry on appeasing a man who cares so little about your feelings and who uses money to keep you in line.

You don't have to live like this. I'd seriously reconsider buying a house together at this time.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/01/2015 13:41

Is your self worth really worth trading in for a man who treats like shit?

Last man who did that to me got away with it for far too long, next man will not be doing the same.

ditsygal · 29/01/2015 14:12

Sorry I don't know the back story, but just wanted to say I wouldn't let a friend treat me like this (delay the rent payment because she was mad at me) so you definitely shouldn't let a man who is meant to be your life partner treat you like that. He is being abusive because he is punishing you for bring up a topic he didn't want to discuss.
Please don't waste your time with this man. Take it from someone who spent too long with a man who cheated and was rubbish with money - I wish I had told him where to go the moment I found out about him cheating, it was a waste of time to carry on.

chimichanga1976 · 29/01/2015 14:13

He comes across as immature in the extreme! Not only for under-paying his share, as some petty sort of revenge, for what? Because you had the audacity to want to hold an adult conversation, in order to raise your concerns about his behaviour? Dear God, is this man 12??? Certainly emotionally retarded IMOShock

Has there been other occasions where he has acted similarly childish? Any other petty little tactics if you, justifiably, try and challenge his behaviour or raise a concern you have?

Maybe you need to sit down with him and actually discuss this problem with him, telling him your feelings in the same way you have on here? Certainly he needs to know he cannot act like this and expect you to take it lying down! If he's doing this now, how will he be when you've bought your own home? This is not the behaviour of an emotionally mature, respectful partner and I would be massively pissed off if I were in your shoes.

DaisyChain87 · 29/01/2015 14:25

He's playing games with you and trying to control you. Withholding ANY of that money was clearly done to make you think (as you are currently thinking)- about why he has chosen to withhold it. He's done it to try and put you off questioning him again! Whether you NEED the money or not is irrelevant- he is trying to punish and control you.

If I was in your position I would be making plans to leave him. Sorry :(

Jan45 · 29/01/2015 14:25

OMG, what an absolute arsehole.

OP, you are plenty without him, he's abusive. How can you possibly have a future when he refuses to discuss something HE has done to upset you.

I too think you are being far too nice, thanking him for the chat, get real OP, he's treating you like shit - can't believe he has with-held money, again, arsehole.

Greencurtain · 29/01/2015 14:26

Do you have kids with him? If not, LTB.

Millli · 29/01/2015 14:31

If he doesn't want to discuss the other woman and is not being the perfect man with you showing you that he will do everything to make you secure then he could well be still having this affair.

BloodontheTracks · 29/01/2015 14:34

It's cognitive dissonance. It make him feel shit about himself to talk about it and so he avoids it, even though it would be helpful for you. He's afraid and he's being selfish and manipulative. You need to be the grown up and say it is absolutely not unreasonable for you to bring up anything you want whenever you want. It isn't, though it may be uncomfortable for him.

The other option is he is uncomfortable because of ongoing guilt related to ongoing communication. Only you know which is more likely, trust your instincts.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 29/01/2015 14:37

The PP's have it spot on!

You would, IMHO and IME, be making a big mistake to have a future with this guy as his behaviour will worsen for sure.

Abusive people are never 100% abusive 100% of the time.

aftereight · 29/01/2015 14:46

You love the future and the plans you wil have together?

I'm sorry but from what you've written, if you stick around the future amd your plans are likely to fall well short of those you imagine.

Please reconsider whilst you still have full financial freedom and independence. Marriage/co-owning a house will complicate your choices x1000