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Original poster

When did things return to normal after having a baby?

36 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 11:57

Me and DH had a baby 10 months ago and things just feel different between us.

It was hard when DS came along, as I imagine it is for most couples, but something still feels like it is missing.

We are happy, we laugh together, are affectionate with each other etc and it feels natural to be like that with him but underneath the surface I feel like there is a tiny wedge between us that never used to be there.

Our sex life was never brilliant but we haven't had sex since DS was born. I know he wants to get the intimacy back but I feel so nonchalant about it.

He's a fantastic dad and in the first few months after DS coming along I was in quite a bad way and DH was amazing. I don't know how I would have coped without his love and support.

We have the usual differences in opinions and our little bickers but certainly nothing major. Sometimes though I feel I am unnecessarily critical of him when it comes to looking after DS but I think that's because I like things done my way.

I just don't understand why I feel like this. Maybe it's because we never get to spend anytime together anymore. I think we have been out together three times since DS was born.

We sleep in separate beds 2-3 nights a week (related to his work) so maybe that doesn't help either.

I don't even know what question I'm asking, I'm just getting it all off my chest.

I started back at work last week and I'm kind of hoping that by doing so it will even out the parenting (as before I did 90% of it) and this may help things.

Has anyone else ever felt like this in their relationship after the arrival of a baby?

OP posts:
Mandatorymongoose · 29/01/2015 12:06

Are you breastfeeding? That utterly kills my sex drive, as does being worn out constantly.

DH and I have a different relationship since DS was born and it took us a while to work out what that relationship was. I felt less close as a couple but more close as a family if that makes sense? and we had to claw back a little grown up time before that changed.

Tea1Sugar · 29/01/2015 20:18

Dd2 was born 9months ago. Sex life killed, very sparse before that though. Definite "wedge" here too

Azquilith · 29/01/2015 20:24

And here. 22 months post birth. Am confident we'll get it back though.

Brodicea · 29/01/2015 20:30

Similar here - nine months for us. I just have ZERO libido. I thought it was just the aftermath of the episiotomy but my whole body just seems de-sexualised. I think it might be breastfeeding. And the anti-glamour of weaning!

I really miss 'us'

whereismagic · 29/01/2015 20:31

I would guess that the wedge is absence of sex. Bit do you mean piv or at all? If at all then 10 months is an awfully long time considering men connect through sex.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 20:32

Hi Tea Grin - a username I recognise.

Yes I am breast feeding and thats what I initially put it down to but DS only feeds 2-3 times a day now so I was hoping things may have improved by now.

I had an appointment last week to have my Mirena coil put in but on the day of the appointment I cancelled it because I just couldn't be bothered to do it. I then lied to my DH and told him the surgery had cancelled it as the GP was off sick Blush

We've had sex once since I conceived. That's ridiculous!!

I read off people having sex after 4 weeks of baby going born and I think WTF?! My DS is ten months and I still have no interest whatsoever.

I'm hoping it's a secondary effect of DS being born as opposed to there potentially being a crack in our marriage Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 20:35

whereis - we have nothing at all. There's been no sexual contact since I was 20wks pregnant Confused

I'm worried that we're so out of the habit that we don't know how to get it back....

OP posts:
Brodicea · 29/01/2015 20:39

We've done it about four times since May - last time was two months ago. We didn't have sex for the last couple of months of pregnancy (although I can't remember that clearly!)

Brodicea · 29/01/2015 20:40

Those four times did feel a bit like 'duty' shags. Not that I didn't want to, just was 'meh'.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 20:43

I was looking at DH earlier and though maybe I should give it a go out of duty....

'meh' pretty much describes my feelings towards sex very well Grin

OP posts:
LillianGish · 29/01/2015 20:54

I think the best thing is to just get on and do it - just to get it over with if that makes sense. I remember, especially after ds (dc2) just not feeling like it at all, but after two months (when everything felt like it was back in place) I just sort of got on with it. I explained to DH how I was feeling and that it had nothing to do with him, but I just felt I wanted to try because I didn't want to have that wedge and actually although it wasn't mind blowing or anything like that it was lovely just to be close again. Everything you say about not having time, being really tired, things feeling different is totally normal. All those things are true and the fact is things are different - they will never be the same again, but in the nicest possible way. Your dh sounds lovely - you say he's a fantastic dad and he's been really understanding. I don't think how you are feeling is any reflection on your marriage. I do think you need make the effort though - and it might feel like an effort to begin with. But gradually you'll get back on track - it won't be quite like before with a baby in the house (and as your DS gets older with the possibility of being disturbed!) but it can be just as lovely in a different way.

redredholly · 29/01/2015 21:04

Hi OP. Firstly I wouldn't say 'only' 2 to 3 times a day - that's still a lot of bf (and good on you, I bf-ed my dd til she was 18 months old). You just need to get on and have sex, throw yourself into it best you can. It won't hurt at this point I doubt and it is necessary to keep the intimacy going. Also try and watch a tv series together and cuddle up on the sofa.

Meh is sufficient, and it's surprisingly more fun than you remember. Have a few glasses of wine and give it a go... x

p.s. Despite the fact that we picked up sex where we left off very soon postpartum my dh has still (and in fact I also did at one point) moan that things 'weren't the same' (i.e. not same frequency/passion rather than feeling)!! Super annoying, but I think just part of the process of adjusting to being parents together.

Koalafications · 29/01/2015 21:23

OP, if you don't want to have sex - don't. Only have sex with your DH if you want to.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and the last time we had sex was when we conceived this baby! Yes, I feel bad about that and I worry about our sex life but there is no way I would have sex out of duty. Fuck that.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 21:56

We've just been cuddled up on the sofa watching TV and he was stroking my head with one hand and my stomach with the other and it felt really natural and comfortable. I'm certainly not shuddering at his touch and I do want the affection, it's just the sex issue. It's really strange.

I know I need to just bite the bullet but I need to be honest with him I guess about how I feel. I don't want him to have unrealistic expectations of us having wild axe for hours whilst screaming his name in ecstasy when all I will he feeling is 'meh'. I just don't want him to take it personally.

I'm wondering if part of the problem is also due to me being petrified of getting pregnant again - but then why did I cancel my Coil appointment?

It's so confusing. Confused

OP posts:
redredholly · 29/01/2015 22:00

I think maybe the problem you have is that sex was too good/special when you used to have it. Before the baby we'd already got to a variety that went from the amazing/wild/whole shebang type sex to the relaxing/quick/unsentimental. I quite like that. It made it ok to do it as a kind of experiment after the baby. Lower your standards! Use contraception. Definitely talk to him about it! Just say 'it is kind of weird that we haven't had sex for ages'. Then 'I still really fancy you and like you it's just hard to pick it back up when you're out of the habit'. You might find this opens the door a teensy bit for things to slowly get going.

redredholly · 29/01/2015 22:01

Or do a few other, ahem, non-penetrative things to test the water.

redredholly · 29/01/2015 22:03

I was looking at DH earlier and though maybe I should give it a go out of duty....

Tbh the above plus the fact that you've posted indicates to me that you do kind of fancy a cheeky session, but have got out of the habit of recognising those feelings.

Georgina1975 · 29/01/2015 22:14

If by normal, you mean pre-baby life. It never went back to that normal...a new and different normal emerged.

I couldn't face sex for over 14 months. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted by the baby (bad birth, lots of illness after, no rest - baby would not take a bottle etc) that I literally didn't have anything to give...I think I was in shock at how my life had changed tbh. I found the change quite traumatic.

He basically had to wait until I felt ready. But we did a lot of talking - a big horrible elephant in the room would have been awful!

We have A LOT less sex these days. Actually we lost a lot of our old relationship through having a child, but we have gained massively in unexpected ways. Like how I feel about him/us when I catch him and our 5 year old just being daft together.

LuluJakey1 · 29/01/2015 22:32

We have a 4 week old DS and started DTD last week. I am not BF and I had a very straightforward birth- tiny tear, no stitches. I feel pretty much back to normal.

But my friend who is BF and had a difficult birth last June has not felt like DTD or any kind of sexual contact at all so I don't think you are at all unusual, probably much more the norm than me. I have another friend who has two teenagers and has only DTD once since the first one was born. She conceived the second one andhas not bothered since. Says she was never much interested to start with.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2015 22:48

When DS was regularly breast feeding it was just draining - it felt like he was attached to me all of the time and I missed having time to myself and being a single entity, just being me. When DS was asleep it was the only peace I had and the only chance I had to feel free and so when DH would come over and try and cuddle me or kiss me I felt totally suffocated and angry that I was never allowed to be alone, if I didn't have DS attached to me I had DH on me and I just didn't want it. I was tired of having to meet the needs of DS and then being expected to meet the needs of DH too, I used to hate it. I would shake him off and squirm away, telling him I didn't want a cuddle as I just wanted to have some breathing space.

Thankfully that phase has completely passed and I accept all the cuddles he's offering so I hope that things will get better.

At the moment I just feel so drained. I went back to work last week which means for two days a week I'm out the house for 15 hours and on a third day I'm out for 9 hours. Those hours make me pretty tired and then the four days I'm not at work I have DS from 06.00-19.00.

Between my work hours and being with DS it's a long time of being constantly on duty to someone else and so all I want to do is make the most of the time when I'm not at work and DS is asleep, and that usually includes wanting to eat chocolate whilst taking a long hot bath - not having sex with DH.

OP posts:
Gintonic · 29/01/2015 23:02

I can really relate to what you and others are saying here OP, I also feel this wedge. For me I think it is stress. My life was so carefree before, now I have constant worry as I am always behind at work and behind at home. It leaves me feeling tense and closed off to other people. It is gradually improving, my DS is 2 now. Talking about stuff is really important.

Levismum · 30/01/2015 01:28

My DC is a year old next week. Only 1 bf a day. Im not back at work but I really don't fancy dtd.
No interest what so ever. Dp's pretty useless so its swings & round abouts!

At least your having a cuddle, I cant remember the last time we hugged. I has to ask for a kiss after giving birth to our DC.

Give it time.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 30/01/2015 06:54

I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

I bumped into a woman yesterday who I met through baby massage session when our babies were much, much younger. I haven't seen her for about 6 months and as we were chatting she told me she was expecting again and was four months pregnant.

My initial thoughts happened so quickly that I barely had time to register them but before I said congratulations I was thinking, "So she's been having sex with her husband for ages, what's wrong with me?"

OP posts:
LillianGish · 30/01/2015 07:01

I think you might have to accept that once you have kids - especially little ones - you are never just going to feel "in the mood" the way you did pre-kids. All the things you list - the demands of the baby, the demands of work, the never having a moment to yourself mean that sex falls right down your list of priorities and can end up feeling a bit like another duty, something else to add to the list. If you wait for the perfect moment - for the way you felt before kids - it might never happen again! As a previous poster said, you have to lower your standards to begin with. Having wild sex for hours while screaming his name is certainly going to be off the cards - you no longer have hours for a start and you won't want to wake the baby (or the teenagers in my case!) This is definitely the time to discover the joys of a quickie! My Dcs are 13 and 11 and it is rare to find the perfect moment even now - if I'd waited I could easily have been like the poster's friend for whom it still hasn't happened. The longer you wait, the greater the pressure in a way. Think of it as starting again (which is what it felt like to me) and you'll soon find a new groove.

Hotbot · 30/01/2015 08:58

Writer, I felt exactly the same as you .re wanting your body to you for a bit.. Have you thought about going out and catching up with friends, ahve a couple of drinks?
Sometimes having a roaring time with the girls makes you more giddy and receptive to your dh. Have you discussed this with your dh at all, I eventually plucked up the courage with mine , and said that it wasn't him , I still,loved and fancied him I just needed me for a bit. Tbh he was relieved I loved and fancied him still.